About New Years

I think I had a mild panic attack, but i am better now. I think. I hope. I think what I was doing was subconsciousnesly making a metaphor out of how I felt about my life. It sounds crazy, but I really can not explain a lot of stuff without one, not even to myself. Yesterday I felt sick to my stomach, hopeless, whatever and I did not really know why, but I did know why I just did not understand why. This is what went down, I was simply through metaphor explaining to myself why I felt the way I felt. I did this by trashing my room, then throwing everything I just trashed away. The problem is I am not crystal clear on what I was trying to explain to myself. I want to believe what I did was not mindless. Anyway, I have constructed some intense reasoning on the incident. I trashed my room because I was pissed at myself, for having spent a year doing nothing but accumulating all this stuff. I threw it away because a lot of it was broken after being thrown around and trashed. I continued to throw things away after all the broken things because either I wanted to forget/get rid of my mistakes or I wanted a fresh start, maybe both. I finally stopped throwing away stuff, when I decided I got my point across. The point I got across being unknown to me. That is the hole in my rationalization of yesterdays events. If I was doing more then something mindless then I must of been trying to tell myself something. I really hope I was trying to tell myself something.