If you could see me whoever I am.

Oh my dear god, I wish someone would just stop me and ask, "Do you need help?" and I would reply, "Yes, yes fucking yes! Can you please teach me how not to fail so often." By someone, I mean absolutely anyone willing to help me in any aspect of my life, but preferably someone who could co-sign a god damn loan so i can work less and finish my independent field work before it snows and I have to dig for it. I want this semester to end. I want this year to end. I want to be done with college.

Not fucking worth it.

I miss that feeling of confidence I had, but at least I am use to the doubt. I really do not think I can keep doing this much longer. I want to quit. Can I?

All you need is?

I think I am actually starting to gain some real friends. People who are not just drinking buddies, not just acquaintances, or people I am associated with, but real and long lasting friends. People willing to help me out. Its really strange to think that I have only had maybe 6 or 7 really good friends over my lifetime and that at least half of them have fallen to the wayside at some point. To be honest I dont see why people like me on the small scale I am super loyal, fun, and, willing to be there, but on the larger scale I am sort of a selfish flake, that just wants to go places, no matter who is where. There have been few willing to stick it out, but I have a feeling that if I do this right there will be more, and if I work hard this time, I might be able to keep one as more than a friend for an actual substantial period of time. I seriously cannot understand how people can deal with me.

Crew

My eyelids are heavy, my hands are blistered and calloused, my legs are sore, and my shoulders ache. I gave away my weekend, my time to study, my time to do homework, my time to relax. I gave it up to make a eight hour drive, to sleep on the floor of a racquet ball court and wake up at six in the morning. I gave it away to pick up heavy boats to carry them over my head, to carry oars around, to move heavy boxes filled with riggers. I gave it away to be stressed out by all the people and all the boats that were to close to my precious Polcock. Its gone because I wanted to maticulously rig boats, to check the boats I did not rig, and to fix the ones done incorrectly. It is gone all because I decided it would be a good thing to spend an hour rowing calmly to the start of a race, working on set, check, and power, focusing on getting in the mind set to race, listening to click of the oar locks, dropping the blade in the water in perfect unison, driving hard, and flipping the blade out of the water in again perfect unison. Feathering and squaring, feathering and squaring, for over three miles. I gave all away to sit at the finish while our cox yells at us, gets us to line up our boat, it has to be lined up perfectly, so we don't hit any boats, so we can travel the shortest distance possible. Then at the last possible second we pass a fist bump from stoke seat to the cox and back to the stern again, it is customary, it is not a race without it. I gave it all up to race, for the words, "ready all to row," and, "row!" The rush, the first three strokes, the power ten, the long hard three miles this time taking only twenty minutes rather than an hour, the power tens dispersed throughout, the last thousand meters, killing myself, the last 500 meters, the adrenaline, the last 20 power strokes, leaving everything on the water, the sound of the air horn as we fly across the finish, the 3 second collapse before rowing back to the dock. I gave it up to pick the boat back up overhead, with shaky arms, shaky legs, dry mouth, and torn up hands, to walk it back to the trailer, to sit around for an hour until I get to do it again. I gave it all to race, to feel the adrenaline, I gave it up to try and win. I gave it up to pass boats. I gave it all up to give my all, to feel like vomiting, and to not be able to stand. And I will do it again next weekend.

Thanks

I'm going to do something with my life, eventually, I promise. Thank you for being the only thing in my life that remains constant and genuinely concerned with my well being. You are seriously the best dad ever. I would probably be completely screwed without you. I love that you give me my independence without hassling me constantly and that when I need your help, really truly need it, you give it. My roommates parents pay their rent, you don't pay mine. My roommates parents call them twice a week, you don't know my phone number. But when I realize I have to choose between rent, dues, or a tuition payment, you loan me tuition and dues. You think the way I live my life is reckless and selfish. You do not value the same things as I do, but you give me your opinion on them and that is all. You do not prevent me from doing them. I want to thank you for not showing me how to live, and for letting me figure it out my own. You may have messed up a lot of details and missed all the memos on how to parent. You suck at showing compassion, your punishments were intense, and I was never spoiled. But somehow you figured out the big picture. I just want to be something that makes you proud, and somehow I will be.

Observations in the LRC

The confidence one has when they know that they belong to something bigger than themselves is only shadowed by the confidence a person has when they are aware that others can recognize it too. Alone a person is nothing.

Struggling

Why does it bother me so much that I am not the best, if I am not the worst?
I will never be able to settle for good enough.
But my best is not cutting it.
When can I decide it is not worth it?
Can I ever decide it is not worth it.
Am I allowed to give up?
I am not sure I know how to.
God, I am such a cliche.
Will somebody please tell me if I am doing it right?