pomp and circumstance

Everybody always seems to bring up graduation in conversation. Graduation, the end of an era, the end result of four years of hard work. Graduation is a new beginning, graduation is an end. It is crazy how hard it is for me to wrap my head around the idea that I will no longer be able to answer, "what do you do?" with, "I'm a student." I have no desire to attend grad school at anytime in the foreseeable future, that makes my final exams my final exams. Will I never sit in a lecture hall again? Will I never again stay up all night working on a homework assignment? Will I cross the Mackinaw bridge for the last time in my life? With the realization that that the ties holding me to this city will all snap in 33 days, is there a spot in my future for Marquette, when there was not a spot for Flint only four years ago? Every conversation I have had ends in the inevitable and expected question, "what's next." A simple question that expects a simple answer, yet somehow, the hardest question I have ever been asked. However, I find the answer I give rehearsed, although genuine. I know how to answer, the reality, my life, my future. I give my articulate accurate true response, and on more than one occasion a reply comes, "wow, moving fast, you're going to miss it." Moving fast? Why do so many graduates take time off immediately following graduation? Free for the first time in their lives and they feel compelled to work minimum wage and delay. I am not rushing, I am just refusing to stall. That degree will not be a crowning achievement for me, college will not be the best years of my life. I will not mope for months after walking across that stage in search of purpose. Yes, I enjoyed myself. Yes, I believe that there will be aspects of the experience that I will think of fondly, but to be honest, those four years were just a couple of hoops I had to jump through. It was the second to last shackle on my ankle, and the only shackle remaining, I feel confident in my ability to drag along with me. I can chip away at my debt slowly, but it is not holding me back, it is not holding me in Marquette. I am confident in my future. I am terrified of my future. But if there is one thing I know about life, it is that the longer a person delays something they want to do, the more reasons they find to not do it. Humans are creatures of logic and risk is risky, sometimes you just have to do it. So if I am rushing, it is because being idle is not a thing that comes to me easily, it is because I didn't come to the edge of a cliff to stare at the water. I am excited, antsy, nervous. I am nostalgic, accomplished, terrified. I feel a sense of pride not only with what I have done, but with what I will do. I am going to do what I have said I would do all along. I am ready. I am not looking back.

Speck

I bought a winter coat in high school. Brown, heavy fabric, faux fur lined, it fit my personality at the time. I remember buying it, it cost me nearly a hundred dollars at The Buckle, which may or may not be BKE now? Anyway the point here is that the woman who checked me out, was chatting about how much she liked the jacket as well, and how high quality it was, basic stuff retail employees are suppose to talk about, and she said at one point, "Yeah, it will probably last you forever, the last jacket you'll ever need to buy." Two weeks into my freshman year of college I bought a 300 dollar North Face. The moral of the story is vague, but ultimately, "the last jacket I would ever need," is sitting in my closet down state gathering a fine layer of dust. This is a round about way of of arriving at the cynical sounding point of this post, nothing is forever. Growing up I remember countless instances of talking about, "when we're older," with multiple different sets of best friends forever. I remember talking about going away to the same universities and trips we would take, "we'll go sky diving," "stand atop Mt. Rainer," "Drive to the coast." I remember promising to always keep in touch, exchanging addresses, and promising that nothing would ever change between us. Things change and I have lost touch with almost all of the people I made those promises to, there are a couple of exceptions, people I haven't lost touch with and I mean beyond the occasional like on Facebook, but these people I can count on one hand. And things are not the way we said they would be. I honestly believe this is the way things generally go, it is the reason high schools host reunions or used to at least, it is to see where everyone has gotten themselves in life. But eventually people stop going off in the world, they stop losing touch, they establish, reconnect, and they buy the "last house they'll ever need." People start to landscape, plant trees, buy pools, renovate, and invest. This is the permanent address I am so often asked for on forms. I can't see it. I don't want it. My friends are one by one falling into careers. I asked someone how long they planned on working at their new job, and they told me, "until I retire." I nearly puked. I have worked seasonally for my entire life and I see no solid reason to quit living my life this way. Temporary employment, temporary housing, temporary coworkers, and temporary friends. I think that is just the life I am suited for. I will just live seasonally until I find a reason to do anything differently. I have no desire to own a home, or a car, or really anything. Nothing is permanent, it is just an illusion of human perception. I could own a home on a plot of land that I also own, but when I die it just goes to somebody else anyway right? Just like my friends, when I leave they just go to somebody else. I might as well just be as fleeting as everything else is, no matter how hard we attempt to believe it is not. Human life is insignificant. The existence of the human species is insignificant in the scope of time. The existence of planet earth is insignificant in the scope of time. And you are worried about edging your lawn? I just do not have the time or energy to invest in staking out a temporary claim of temporary goods on a temporary planet. Id rather just borrow everyone else's stuff and have the best time I can, while it lasts. Your future is getting shorter by the second.