She just cant remain with all that outerspace.

I am bored with this place, these things, this path, these morals, these rules, this luck, this mind, this personality. I am just bored with this life. I think I need a change of pace before I go insane. Too bad I cant change anything without fucking up my entire life. I mean I could in theory but I just cant in principle. It is like everything I do is just what I do. It is all just second nature, nothings ever new, and nothings ever changing. I just want something to change. Something new, something to hold my attention for a bit. I am not creative and I do not have a good imagination, all I do is do. I do and I observe. I just need something new to do and somewhere new to see. I guess my only option is to wait out this school year and change things this summer.

Warning: this is a metaphor

Whoa there is a huge elephant in this room, in my life rather. The best course of action right now is to keep on ignoring its presence, until it demands my attention. I mean if it wants me to notice it, like if it gets hungry or something, it could get my attention. Right now its choosing to be less then demanding, just kind of obnoxious. Shitty, but I think I am choosing to wait until it gets out of hand to handle it. I just do not think I am in the right place in my life right now to commit to elephant ownership. Sooner rather than later it seems like, maybe. Hopefully I can just get a sheet throw it over the elephant and call it a coffee table, at least until school gets out.

Dear Prudence

Show much to say.
I was going to blog about how much I like to drive, and how relaxing it is. Not anymore. I still like to drive in fact I enjoyed every second of it except for the ditch part. As soon as I got out i was drivin and jammin again.
Car accident revelation: I am such a pleaser, first thought was did i hit another car? The second thought was shit I had plans, I am going to have to flake out. Then I checked to see if I was alive.
Anyway here is what is really bothering me. So I crashed about ten feet from what I assumed to be a creek, in a ditch. That creek was the Indian River, I was in fact, in Indian River, Michigan. Which now leads me to believe, that I am obsessing over my total lack of faith/purpose, these really are signs, or I am being haunted/protected by my mom. So the reason this holds significance is, I spread my moms ashes in the Indian river, that I crashed next to. I did not make this connection until my sister called and asked me where I was, when I told her, she said, "I miss mom." It made me want to puke. So I have all these "signs" and no explanations. Street lights shutting off, seeing that postcard, a thing with some deer, the whole convenient car accident location, and something else. I give up, I want to know what it means, if it means something, and if it means nothing, I would like to know that as well. So whatever mystical being or higher power is fucking with me, can you make it a little more obvious.

Well this is shitty

Since Bri told everyone already, I fucking wrecked my car. I am not a bad driver. I Would be philosphacal about it, but you know im sitting in a burger king in the middle of nowhere waiting for tow truck guy to pick me up. I do not know which is going to be worse sitting in a closed burger king or his creepy garage. I would say fuck my life, but my life is fucked. It could be worse, but it could be better. Ill be deep later i only have 40 minutes on my battery and my chargers in my trunk and i have no idea where my trunk is.

My life

This shit must annoy you. Maybe, I should figure out a different coping mechanism. Unfortunately, this is what works best right now. So I am going to keep doing this.

Sleeping is giving in, so lift those heavy eyelids

Eleven forty five, I am in that dazed state of consciousness, I am not exactly asleep, but I am definitely not awake. I hear all that is going on around me, but am definitely experiencing an alternate reality. I am unaware that this is happening me as a dream begins. I crawl out of my loft and walk towards the door, I begin to walk out into the hall and suddenly find myself walking off a cliff. I instantly snap back to reality and my whole body jerks in my bed as I try and catch myself from plummeting to my doom. Wide awake before even catching fifteen minutes of sleep. I role around rearrange my blankets until I finally fall asleep a little after three. At one AM I had my eyes closed and swore that there was a strobe light going off in my room, I opened my eyes, there was not. At two AM my left eye started twitching, like it occasionally does. At Three AM I got up and went to the bathroom and made faces at myself in the mirror for a good fifteen minutes. Shortly after returning to my bed I fell asleep. I had lab at eight AM. I am dog tired and just ate lunch with my RA she asked if I was high. I have three more hours of class and then I work to close. I have a house government meeting after that. Sleeping should work out tonight. I guess that is the story of a college student. I make a conscious effort to go to sleep at a reasonable time and refuse to let myself sleep.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes

You know how I always said i would never grow up? Still true, but I am going to start dressing more grown up. It is not because I want to be more respected or taken seriously. The amount of respect I get now is perfect. Rather I am dressing more grown up or nicer, so I can act less grown up. I am trying to keep a nice little equilibrium, if I dress nicer I can get my nose pierced. If I dress nicer I can spend my summer playing outside with a bunch of kids, and call it real world experience. I do now know why I am deciding to do it now, but it is really awkward to dress differently than I am used to. The funny thing is I am not even dressing nice, I am just not wearing sweat pants three days a week, and I am weaning myself off of my insane T shirt collection. I still pretty much dress just as chill but instead of t shirts everyday I wear flannel like shirts. It is all I have right now. I am working on buying some classier clothes, but this takes time. Anyway this is not because I want to act more grown up, it is just the opposite I want to stay a teenager forever. I am still the same person exactly as I always am, I just look better I guess. That was not deep, more of a disclaimer, I guess.

this is an extension of the last post

Are you trying to tell me something, or am I just turning everything I see into a sign because I am confused?

I see the opposite happening here

Lately I feel as though I keep getting signs from someone to do something, problem being I have no idea what they mean. I am actually highly convinced they are glorified coincidences that I am just noticing more and more. They mean nothing, except that I am becoming more observant. At any rate, it is just kind of weird. So here they are. I did not ever want to go to Northern for college, this was my last choice school. I wanted to go Colorado State or Cornell, both of which accepted me. For financial reasons and the fact that it was as far away from home I could get without leaving Michigan this is where I ended up. I do not regret it at all, I love it here, but lately I have been reminded of Cornell and Ithaca, a lot, I have a friend going to Ithaca college, a prof who graduated from Cornell, and a friend who lives in Ithaca but attends Northern, I have never heard so much about what could have been. It is really kind of shitty. Also I find myself walking under lights right as they turn off a lot, three times yesterday in fact, twice in the Wal~mart parking lot and once in Halverson's parking lot. There is a lot more too, but I am not going to go in to that on this blog at least. I know it means nothing, but I wish it did. I mean I am looking for a sign right now, desperately, I do not know what sign I am looking for, but it is obviously making me play tricks on myself. I over-analyze every little coincidence now. This stuff definitely always happens, but normally I just write it off, I want to get back to that.

I had the most incredible urge to say, "but im not the only one."

I just have so much to say, and no words. I think that I think in pictures, shapes, colors and, ideas, not words. There are no words in my head, I have to make the words. So I make the words, and they do not ever fit my thoughts. It is like I try to explain them to someone or put them in print and I always catch myself saying, "I mean," or, "no you do not understand," or, "It is deeper than that." I read my old blogs and think wow no one is ever going to understand what this actually means. I just do not have the words to explain it, they might not exist. Maybe I am just a dreamer. Maybe my ideas must always have to be ideas. Maybe I just need to find a new way to express them. For now, I guess they will remain in my head and poorly expressed. I guess poorly expressed is better than never heard, a vague understanding is better than ignorance. Right?

This is not rethorical

She's starting to live her life
From the inside out
The sound of failure calls her name
She's decided to hear it out

I mean honestly is there even a difference between success and failure? I mean success and failure can not really exist because it is all based on opinion, right? So does it matter if I fail? I did not set out to fail, but I do not even know what failure is. Maybe this is me succeeding. I do not know what that is either. Maybe it is all in our heads. It has to be in our heads. I must be trying to prove to someone, something. I do not who or what, but its starting to look like they are going to get let down in more ways than one. I hope I am not trying to prove it to myself. I am sick of letting myself down.

Everything that keeps me together is falling apart

It is like I can not take anything seriously. I can not take anything that matters seriously. Well it is like I can not take anything seriously immediately relevant to my life. I can take things that arguably will never even actually matter seriously, or things that are not meant to be taken seriously seriously. I can spend hours debating topics in my head, and blogging on random obscure mental dilemmas. I can not take anything that has potential to produce immediate tangible benefit seriously.

It seems like I always end up on the same subject

I figured it out today, everything, life, I figured it out. I figured it out watching a documentary about mushrooms, the guy was talking about how he was convinced the hallucinations he was having were real, that his spirit lived within the mushroom. His purpose in life is to eat these mushrooms so his true spirit can be free. That is when it hit me life has no purpose it is all man made. Any purpose in life is just a construction. I have been so concerned with finding myself, discovering who am, shit like that, when it is not even out there to find. Life is a figment of my imagination. I have to create myself, make my own purpose. I need to stop worrying about what is noble, or moral, because there are no morals no higher purpose. I am just star dust the result of a chain reaction of elements getting heavier of proteins bumping into acids, forming nucleotides. It is like everyone is just betting, betting on this divinity that no one can even prove the existence of or disprove for that matter. Life is not just preparation for death, it is not about higher purpose, or an afterlife. It does not exists, it might, but I can not prove it, or disprove it. I would not drive 3000 miles to climb a mountain that someone told me existed, I would not go see it on faith. I refuse to live my life on faith to give myself false hope no matter how much I crave it. It is my duty to myself to deny myself false hope. I am not going to lie to myself. I mean this guy doubted his mushroom spirit less than most religions doubt god, he is like a hundred percent sure his spirit is trapped in those mushrooms, most religious people have confessed doubts, they have to keep convincing themselves it is real. I am not saying it is right but the guy with the mushroom holds equal merit in my eyes. So I am done looking for answers, I will just make my own like everyone else. It is not about why I live, it is just that I am doing it deliberately, freely, for myself.

Dream

I own a coffee shop, perhaps some sort of cafe, its a bit of a dive but it is always crowded. This is the coffee shop I use to say I would open, I would call it espresso yourself. It is funny because I do not even like coffee. There is a long bar running the length of one wall that is where I stand, talk to the customers, take their orders, serve their food and coffee. There are three waiters there working as well serving patrons that opt to not come order form me, and wiping tables. the shop is cozy, but large. The tables are are collages of pictures or words the chairs are random arm chairs, bean bags, camping chairs, rocking chairs, and the like. The walls are collages with pictures, articles, posters, signs, whatever a patron feels like hanging up stays forever. There is one wall that was white but is no covered in signatures and quotes. There are two stages in the shop for people to perform, but something is not how I use to imagine it. One stage is in use some singer sing writer guy is standing there whining about life and strumming his guitar, but on the other stage is the solar system. It is suspended there in the middle of the stage, floating in mid air. The sun, the planets orbiting, and turning on their axes. This solar system is clearly not scale. There it was though, no one seemed to notice, or care, they just watched the singer-song writer and sipped their lattes. Something obviously is going to go wrong. The stage bursts into flames, the one with the solar system. I stare at it, and everyone else runs out of the building. I stare at it. I grab that hose that is apparently underneath the bar and I spray the stage. The fire goes out but the solar system falls and hits the stage, which is now more of a pool or some kind of tub, filled to the top with water, but draining to a black abyss. I stare and put the hose away. I still have not actually moved. The singer song writer did not leave he is chard and still whining about whatever to the sounds of his guitar. The pool holding the solar system is drain, I walk over and I stare, the water is now halfway down, I jump in all of a sudden I am in some large body of water perhaps the ocean. The solar system is gone except for earth which is now about the size of a basketball, and I am frantically swimming for it. This is the cool part, I reach it and lift it above my head and the ocean disappears, because the ocean was from the earth being in water. So anyway I am on solid ground now and I start walking to somewhere, but I trip and the world flies out of my hands and hits the ground where it proceeds to shatter, and the ground beneath me crumbles and I am falling, falling, falling.

life is easy

If I believe I cant save everyone, unfortunately I am not that smart yet. I will continue to save everyone and everything except, of course, myself.

Well nothing ever went Quite exactly as we planned

I over analyze everything, I mean everything. Every word I say, every facial expression, every hand gesture. I like spend a ridiculous chunk of time at night just like replaying every single thing I said or did, and the way it was done or said. I imagine how the people who witnessed what I had done, reacted, what they thought of it, what kind of impression it left on it, how it changed, or fit in to, rather, their day. Usually I am pretty critical, most people are critical with themselves, I think, unless they are lying to themselves, which is probably worse. At any rate, the point I am trying to make is I have a problem, with over analyzing and it is not just small things like that. There is not a day I do not doubt the big decisions I make, but it is not like regret, I only regret one thing, but that is a different story, I just analyze them. I play out all these different scenarios, how my life would have been if I went to a different college, or did not go to college. T hat does not bother me, I mean I wish I did not care to analyze it, but I mean, who does not, You know wonder, "What could have been?" What is really annoying is the time I spend over analyzing the future, playing out every possible lifestyle I could have, contestant, continually. It is not even like I am, "planning for the future," I have no plans just a bunch of scenarios

Just looking for closure

I still have not forgiven you, I told you I did. I told myself I could forgive you, I tried to convince myself I forgave you. I have not, I may never be able to forgive you. I do not hate you, but I pretty much blame you for her death. I mean, I blame myself too, and I have not forgiven myself either. I want to believe it was not her fault, I know people always say there is nothing you could have done, blah blah, she was just really depressed, blah blah, but I know I could have done something, and if I could have done something, you could of done more. You lived with her, you were her "significant other," I only saw her on weekends, generally, thanks to the custody agreement. When we were there she did not seem sad at all, I mean, I could tell she was drinking more, and I noticed how sad she was when we went home, but in my defense, I always told her to stop drinking. I always dumped out her alcohol, made sure she did not take her pills, and what did you do? You replaced the alcohol I dumped out and did not even flinch as she took pills and washed it down with a shot. You set her up, because you were selfish. She was better off poor and happy, but you made her move into your big new house. You wrecked her. She was never an alcoholic, you made her an alcoholic. I blame you for that, I told you I did not, but that was because I felt bad for you, you blamed yourself, I thought it was enough for you to blame yourself. It is not, I need to blame you too. I need to blame you, so I can stop blaming myself.

Do You Realize that everyone you know someday will die?

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Can people please just stop reminding me that it is February, it is hard enough to pretend like I am over it. It is not even the 16th why the fuck do I have to feel this way? It is not like I did not say goodbye, we were in a good place when you left, but I still feel like, I could have, I do not know, stopped it. I am sure I could have, if I paid more attention.

un-title-able

I am not sure what this blog is about, I think I am just killing time and avoiding commitment the only way I know how.
How can I look at chemistry for three hours open up my notes fifteen minutes later and wonder what I was tripping on when I took them. This shit does not make sense, my mind refuses to accept it. It is not that I do not believe it, or see its merits. I do, I get it chemistry saves lives, all that. It is just that there are so many better, more interesting things to learn, in my view. For some reason though I need to learn this pitiful shit, before I can call myself and ecology major. Ecology has nothing to do with chemistry, chemistry has nothing to do with my life, yet it is running it. At least the weekend starts tomorrow after a lecture quiz I am totally unprepared for. To bad my weekend consists of working and chemistry. A least Friday will be a great day of broom-ball, and me getting trashed Friday night because someone will ask me to and I wont be able to say no, because I do not have that ability. Plus I will be looking for an outlet to release all this bullshit stress over something I could not careless about. This is an apology in advance, to myself, sorry I got you shit faced, please do not blog when you get back tomorrow. It was really embarrassing last time.

dont read this

Sometimes, I do not have enough to say to fit in a little paragraph, but here is what I want to say:
summer is coming.
I drink to much.
I do not smoke enough.
chemistry is killing me.
I am in love, maybe, probably not.
I am being used.
I got the job.
I am desperately reading the bible, it seems to be confirming what I already knew.
I think I am crazy, but that would imply sanity is possible.
The first step is not admitting you have a problem, it is more of realizing you can have problem.
I have not slept in like three days, but it does not bother me, yet.
I would die without throat singing and granola.
I am getting bitter, cynical, cold.
I do not believe a word she says.
I for some reason can not be friends with people my own age.
Reevaluating my life is getting old.
For some reason blogging puts things in perspective.
I already know you are going to let me down, do not feel bad, I am already over it.
I am being irresponsible... on purpose.
I wish I could afford my passions.
I wish stuff happened for a reason.

I know that starting over is not what life's all about. But my thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.

It is not like I do not like where I am, I actually love where I am. At the same time though it is not like there is not anywhere else I would rather be. I would rather be so many places honestly. I love where I am, but of course it is never as good as the places I could be. You know, the grass is always greener, the future is always brighter, there is always somewhere else to go. I just have a bit of cabin fever. Not literal cabin fever, I am hardly in my room. It is like I have Marquette or Michigan-cabin fever, no it is actually more than that. I feel trapped in time, not so much time even as like life stage, not like trapped by my age or even my status as a college student. I am trapped by my lack of life experience and my lack of ability to experience life. What I mean is, I feel trapped by like life's prerequisites. It is like to get a job I need a degree, to get a degree I need these classes, to get these classes I need money, to get money I need a loan, to get a loan I need credit, to get credit I need a job, etc. It is like I want all these things but I only want them so I can have what I get for having them. No matter what I have I will always want more. I do not even mean that in a shallow way, I know it can be perceived as that, but if I do not want more constantly I am just settling. I feel like settling is worse, especially because what I want is not like gold and sports cars, it is a non-shallow want. I will always crave difference. There is always something I have not seen, not done, not heard, not felt, and to not want it, is worse, then craving it. Right?

What I mean, when I say I am going to bed.

10% sleeping soundly
10% shitty dreams
10% dreaming while awake
10% pondering questions without answers
10% over analyzing every conversation I had
10% deciding every choice I made that was the wrong one
5% counting backwards from one hundred
5% accidentally counting up
5% rolling, tossing, turning
5% trying to remember what I have to do the next day
5% deciding if going to the bathroom is worth the effort
5% deciding what colors things are when there is light in the room
5% deciding how to react to the deaths of the people I am close to
5% deciding reaction to all other deaths

this is just a coping mechanism

I am that friend who would do anything for you. You could owe me a couple grand and I would still buy you dinner. I do not need to hear a sob story, as long as you ask I will probably do it. Call me at two in the morning asking for a ride, I will pick you up. Ask me to give up every night of the one weekend I have off, no problem. I will help you move, babysit your kids, mow your lawn, shovel you driveway. I will do anything, just to here thank you. I loan you money and I never expect to see it again, never bring it up. I will lend you movies, CDs, video games, my car, my shoes, my house. You can sleep in my bed, use my shower, eat my food. I want you to want my help. You can have my time, my money, my stuff, my mind. I will give you my kidney to know that I helped make your life easier. I do not care how well we know each other, I am dying to help you. Ask me, I will say yes. I want to hear all your problems, they are more important than mine. Tell me your problems I will ignore mine and make yours disappear. If I ever upset you, I will apologize, if I even think I upset you I will feel desperate to make amends, it will haunt me until I do. If you were to punch me in the fist and break your knuckle I would offer to pay for your medical bills. If you ran me over I would apologize for scratching your paint with my face. I will risk my life, to here you say thank you. I am not exaggerating.

dear me

sorry brahhh

Selling grilled cheese

I have never had that much fun in my entire life. It has nothing to do with what you are doing, it is all about who you are doing it with. Something that seems like a chore, just needs people and music to become a dancing assembly line. We joked, we danced, we sang, we made fun, we confessed, we shared. I think I want to call these people my friends. Too bad they will not be around much longer.

redemption

I never did it for the rush, or because I wanted something really bad, or because I could not afford to buy something. I always just did it because I knew I could, knew no one would notice, knew it did not change a thing. It is not like I was being selfish, in a way, to me, I was fighting oppression, fighting the system, like I said it was not about wanting things. I had rules, I had so many rules. Never tell people you steal especially the ones you are with, Nothing over fifty dollars, never more than one thing from every store, never go back into a store on the same day, never get friends in trouble, never from a non-chain store, never from the mall, never take food, never something too easy to steal, never something I actually wanted, and if I ever got caught I would have to confess. I would steal all kinds of stuff and I had techniques. Clothes were easy, just put it on and leave. Everything at Claire's would go in a jacket pocket when reaching for something else. Stores like Wal~Mart, Target, and K-Mart were not even an effort. Walgreen's was always hard because of the glass on the back wall, but I would just slip stuff down my sleeves. Movies just have to be taken out of the case, books can almost be carried out in hand, cups and plates from restaurants put in to-go boxes boxes. It was easy and relaxing in some twisted way, that is until I started breaking the rules. I started not only stealing for people but I was with them while I stole, I broke the fifty dollar rule, I stole from the mall, I stole multiple things at once, I made trips back into stores, and worse of all I stole from a non-chain store. Last January I said I would never steal again. Two days ago I stole a pair of earrings, and I have never in my life felt so shitty. I did not need them, but I just wanted to steal them, but it was not relaxing how it used to be, it was terrible. But last night before work I actually took them back and snuck them back into the store. I have never felt so proud of myself.

dream on?

It is about five in the morning, scrambling to get ready for something, in a mad rush. I run outside still getting dressed and tying my shoes, I run down the street towards the bus stop apparently. I make it about half way and realize I have forgot something, yet in my dream I am not sure what. I sprint back to the house and fumble around in my drawers, I run out the door again, I must have found what I am looking for. I run back towards the street towards the bus stop, making it only half way, yet again I run back home and rummage through my room. This time I hit the porch just in time to see a bus fly buy, it is so not a school bus. I run back in my house and grab my keys, run outside, start my car, back out of the driveway, the street is empty, but the second I back into it my car gets smashed by a train. The car is missing trunk but the backseat and wheels are completely intact, there are no train tracks on the road, after the train finishes going by I drive down my street, towards the bus stop, halfway there my roof falls off. This does not seem to phase me, I keep driving. I stop at the bus stop where two people I know very well are standing, it is immediately winter, they are freezing but in my roofless car I am warm. I offer them a ride, they ignore, I try again, they refuse, one last time, they turn around. I sit there in the car for a second. Then I drive off, my car is slowing falling apart piece by piece as I go. No matter how long I seem to be driving I see the same houses go by and I pass the same two familiar faces standing, freezing in a field. My car now has no doors, no windows, no exterior paneling just seats, a floor, and the dashboard, it is suddenly not winter, it is really really hot. I keep driving, I see the same ten houses, the same two faces. It is unbearably hot outside, but it starts to hail , my car has no roof but I am never hit, I keep driving, the hail gets bigger and bigger and bigger, it is at this point I realize this is not hail, these are stones falling from the sky. I stop again at the two familiar faces, to offer a ride, get in before you get hurt I plead. Just as I say the word hurt, they are both crushed, I floor it, I can not escape the scene, same ten houses, same two lifeless bodies, until my car is gone completely, in pieces all around me. I keep running, and for the first time I try to leave the road. I run directly into a wall painted like the same ten houses. I fall on my back, and I see a boulder getting closer and closer to my face.

I ain’t asking for redemption and this ain’t no cry for help

Here is the thing about happiness and good luck, it is really boring. No one cares to hear about how awesome my life is going, and I do not feel the need to speak of it. It annoys me, this good luck I am having. When I am having a really shitty time all I do is complain about how I never catch a break, then I catch a break and miss the struggle, the pressure, the fight. I like to be happy, but I am only happy about being happy, when I am also struggling. It makes sense to me. I think not having an easy time makes me happy, maybe. I am just nervous because I caught a break and I am worried I am going to sabotage myself soon to make life more interesting. I mean, like when shit goes my way it is just, you know, to easy. It gets boring, I get to comfortable. So I want something minor, perhaps, to not go my way, so I can have a challenge. It obviously is not going to come from academics, the only thing not super easy is chem, but I pretty much wrote that off as something I just need to pass, and its easy to shoot for a D. I am so fucked up, right now, I am actually hoping something will go wrong or get hard.