100% Your Fault

Hi I am Angie Chavez and I am a total fucking idiot. If you are a guy please try to take it slow and make me feel no commitment so I can go out drink a bit and have a good time and then you can hear about and get pissed off at me for no reason and call me a slut, even though we never had anything but a friendship, where we talk and watch movies. Then I will punch you, not slap, punch you in the face and we can yell at each other until I kick you out of my room. Then you will ruin my weekend and I wont be able to find anyone to talk to about it with. I will just stew in anger all night long, then I will go run five miles suck it up and move on. Because I am done with asshole guys.

stay strong pearly whites

I keep having dreams where my teeth are really loose, the rest of the dream is uninteresting or I cannot even remember it. I would not think this was important if it had not happened so many times, but it has so I think it is. I just remember stopping and wiggling my teeth and freaking out, then resuming whatever was happening. So lately, I wake up every morning, and check to see if my teeth are in fact loose. They are not, but I am still worried.

Loss

Nothing will ever make it stop hurting.

Ice age? Heat wave? Can't complain.

I listen to "The world at large" almost every morning it helps me feel like someone else feels similar to me, even if they really do not and just wrote some clever lyrics for a song.
I think my gum chewing is a nervous habitat, coping mechanism, or maybe I just like to chew gum.
I absolutely love to make mistakes.
Student Athlete, Student leader, Student employee, Student representative. I need to learn that student comes first.
I have found things I am good at, I mean really good at.
I really need to learn how to take a compliment.
I honestly think at this point in my life I could cut all of my ties with everything and go somewhere else and start over and I would not lose that much ground.
I love that I talk slow, and can speak with perfect grammar and a large vocabulary while inserting words like legit, gnarly, brah, and redic.
I will never compromise who I am for success.
I have never been more proud of myself then I am right now, unfortunately there are not a lot of people who feel that way about me.
I do not care that most people think they suck and are uncool but I will always love death cab for cutie, Linkin park, and the starting line.
I project my mom into every woman I meet over the age of 30, I wonder what it is like, constantly, to be able to call your mom when you feel like shit, and just hear her voice.
I wish I had the relationship I had with my mom with my dad, I wish I was that close to anyone, I wish I had the ability to get that close with anyone ever again.
I brush my teeth a lot more than average.
If someone sang me, "marry me" I would get married on the spot.

Sleep is fucked

I was living where I live now, but everything is different and there were a bunch more people. Our room was exactly the same but it might have been bigger and there was another one attached to it. Our shower for some unknown reason was located in the middle of the MP. New roommate A who is an unknown person with blond hair, was going to be having people over and was preparing a formal dinner. I had to go shower, for work. I went to shower in the middle of the MP. I go take my shower and realize I forgot my clothes and towel. The Mp was full of people. I text my current roommate she brings me a towel. I wrap in the towel and my current roommate says lets go this way. There is now a chapel attached to the MP right by the grill, we go to walk in but the door is locked I look through the window and there's a soccer game going on. I count the number of refs out loud and explain everything about soccer to my roommate. She said that is such bullshit steals my towel and runs away. Apparently at some point I had put clothing on. I start to go to class, apparently working is not a priority anymore. I walk to the sidewalk get in a shell and I row to class, because apparently snow is just like water. I walk into class, and Tensi runs in and grabs me and says we have to go. We walk out of west science and we are on the coast of Superior there is an eight person shell with 7 people in it. They are all Tensi, "I need you to row stroke." I reluctantly get in. Tensi is also the cox. I keep getting yelled at to bring the stroke rate up, we have to be rowing a 38 or something impossible when the Tensi sitting seven seat catches a crab that takes off her head and the six seat Tensi jumps out of the boat. I turn around to see what happened and Im not in a boat anymore. I am sitting on a beach and I wake up.

Help me out

Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
and my affection, well it comes and goes.
I need direction to perfection, No. No. No. No.

Last night

I was driving my car, it was winter, it was dark, I am not sure if it was night or not. I was pulling out of a parking spot. As I pulled out I lost control of my car, perhaps because of ice, and slammed into three cars that were parked next to me, I drove away. I went to turn left onto a street and turned my steering wheel left, but my car did not follow and I slammed into a wall. I put my car in reverse to back up and a car slammed into the side going rather fast. I was spinning in the middle of the street and a car nailed me coming from the other direction. I got out of the car and walked back to school. Nothing existed past my immediate location, the only cars around were the ones I hit or that hit me, the only wall was the one I hit, and it was not attached to a building at all, the road only existed as a road and the path I walked to school only existed as a snowy strip of ground nothing lined them, but darkness. It was a relatively short walk and I was not cold, I never entered a building or walked up to my room, I never touched a door, I just walked until my room materialized around me. Nothing in my room was a real color, or shape. I told my roommate what happened. She said that it was no big deal her parents were in town they would buy us dinner. This gave me relief for some reason. Her parents had been some of the people who smashed into my car and were no longer willing to buy us dinner, they ignored all of our phone calls. I said it was no big deal I would simply call my dad. I called him and got an answering machine message, "I have moved far far away," and than circus music started to play. I threw my phone at the window and the entire wall shattered but there was not a view of the parking lot, as normal, but an intense and vast nothing. The floor was slanted toward the gaping hole that was once our wall. Everything in the room began to slide towards the abyss along with me, my roommate was no longer around. As I slid towards the nothing I felt no fear and I did not try to fight it. I slid standing up towards it. When I reached it I did not fall, I just floated there suspended with the contents of my room, the building that I was once contained in was gone, but it never disappeared it was more like it didn't exist outside of itself. There was a giant hour glass now and I was standing on a black and white checkered floor, that somehow burst into existence with no logical transition, or recognition from me, it was as though I expected it, I mean I have seen it before. All of my things were gone. I stood standing on a black square, as I always did, staring at the hour glass, the sand was not slowly falling, but swirling around in a tornado, then I heard the word failure, but not in a voice, more like in an emotion, in fact it was less like hearing the word and more like feeling the word. Not feeling like a failure necessarily, but feeling the word as though it was spoken inside of me, and then the hour glass shattered in a kind of eerie slow motion, and the shards of glass were sucked in like an implosion and as they started to head out in all directions it was as if they almost froze mid air. As time caught up with them a huge gust of wind knocked me off my feet. I wake up, panting, sweating, and cold.

California

I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast. It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.

Scars

How is it that my biggest insecurities, have basically made me who I am. I am nothing without the things that have left me scared physically, mentally, and emotionally.

life

There is a whole bunch of complex symbolism in my life right now, I wish I was smart enough to know what it means.

Derailed

Is this what happens when I try to take a new path?

No explanation

So I had a dream.
It took place at the house in Ohio. It was where my grandfather lived and one of my uncles lives now its a main gathering spot for the Chavez family. A lot of my family was there but there were also a lot of non-family members around it seemed like a lot of people I attend Northern with and some of the people I worked with this summer we were washing dishes in these brown plastic Rubbermaid tubs and they were all filled with disgusting water, and suddenly we all like 20 of us, me and the people I am not related to started dumping out all of the tubs, just all over the floor. We all ran outside and across the street, the house was on the wrong side of the street, not the side its usually on, but we ran across the street to where the house normally sits, but it wasn't there the garage and the big barn/house were, but not the house, yet everything looked right. One of the people in my dreams, who I can identify by name but will refrain from doing, pull out a giant pipe from his pocket, but there is no way this pipe could have even pretended to fit fit in his pocket it was like the size of a gallon of milk and it was a really old looking Sherlock Holmes pipe. So we all start smoking it, there has to be like a pound of ganja in it, because its so big, but every time I try to take a hit after the first hit I end up gulping a bunch of water, but it goes into my lungs and I can some how feel it in my lungs, but I keep attempting to take hits, and I just get more and more water. Eventually like after 5 minutes of this all the ganja is gone and it just starts pouring and they throw the pipe into the woods. The woods burst into flames and its pouring but it does not affect the fire at all, it just rages. Half of the group sprints across the street the other half of us start to sprint for the woods, yelling about rescuing something, for some reason I feel like it was not a person though, or even living for that matter. Anyway we sprinted into the woods and there was a river about five feet in and I guess nobody saw it but we all just sprinted directly into it and were swept down stream and towards a waterfall. We swam so hard against it but one by one everyone went over the edge, but when the last person I knew went over the edge the current stopped and the river dried up, and the fire stopped burning. The forest was gone and the waterfall was now just a cliff, I stood looking over the cliff, this landscape was completely unfamiliar to me, and I was completely alone. I ran and jumped off the cliff and I woke up as I hit the ground.

Change

Lets just hope my room is symbolic of my life right now.
I really need this.

Living is easy with eyes closed

Always, no sometimes, think it's me, but you know I know when it's a dream. I think I know, I mean yes, but it's all wrong. That is I think I disagree.

Here it goes... again

I am just so glad you just had a super night, last night! Can we please not start this make each other feel like shit when we drink/see each other/notice each other online/bump into each other thing that we do. I just want to start over, be friends? acquaintances? civilized strangers? I mean, I care about you and I do not want to hurt you, and I want you to not want to hurt me.

Kite

Man I have some really deep philosophical shit to say right now, but I will spare you and I will leave it at my favorite three word phrase. Life goes on. Right now its going on, its always going on. It never stops.

Gemini

Your astrological sign changed? Do not worry its all fake. Well the fact that it changed is real the earth's tilt has changed a lot since ancient times but its effect on your personality has been and always will be bullshit.
Lakes that light up when you touch them are not magic its a chemical reaction inside of bacteria.
Those clouds and the sunlight breaking through throwing bars of light towards the earth, that is not heaven its water vapor and light reflecting off of it.
A pseudoscience is a group of systems, beliefs, traditions, and methodology that appears to be scientific but lacks basic scientific methodology. Most pseudoscience appears to be a relatively good explanation, but lacks plausibility, evidence, and any real way of gathering such. Pseudosciences commonly rely on not being able to be proven false, testimonials, and coincidences. Pseudosciences emerge because of coincidence. It is used to explain things that we cannot explain. The explanations are usually logical but never tested or proven(failed to be proven false repeatedly beyond doubt)and generally are abandoned when mainstream science provides a plausible and strongly supported hypothesis.
Science has basically sucked all the magic out of my life. Yet I feel as though I have gained a greater understanding of Earth and nature and its majesty. I would never trade knowing the truth for having a convenient explanation even if that explanation is more comforting or seems magical. The truths I have I find more inspiring, more moving, more thought provoking, and simply more awe inspiring. When most look at a forest they see trees, and maybe some animals. When I look at a forest I see the forest, I see a very complex interrelated system that borders on functioning like one living organism. With so many tiny minute details working in harmony. When I hear the wind I think of the atmospheric conditions that bring it about. When I see a sunrise I think how fortunate and amazing it is that the Earth is still rotating and still revolving. When I look at the stars I think of how small I am and how big and endless the universe is. And when I look at a friend I think, you are just star dust, temporary, an amazing coincidence. An amazing coincidence like me, like all people, regardless of our zodiac signs.

Fear

Today my Conservation Biology professor said: "It makes me really sad when students like you(directed at whole class, processed as said directly to me) do not know what they plan on doing after college. You are setting yourself up for failure, because when you do figure it out and apply to whatever job that may be, you wont be outstanding, because when you did not know what you wanted you never gave it your all."
I am scared. Completely terrified. I need an adviser, but I am scared to meet with one, because I am positive they will think I am stupid. They will ask, what do you want to do? I will answer that I do not know. They will ask what kind of job I would like. I will tell them I do not really know. They will ask what I enjoy doing. I will attempt to word vomit out a description of what I enjoy doing. They will tell me it is unrealistic. They will tell me I need a serious job. They will tell me I need to make sacrifices. They will punch me in the heart with their words and think that I am just a stupid dreamer. They will think I will end up as a failure. They will not be proud of me. They will not mentor me. I will continue to be to "me" to do anything about it. I will still not know what to do with my life. I will be a failure to everyone.

With regards to the previous

Shit happens.
It was all my fault.
I still feel like a failure.
Refuse to admit what I did.
I am moving on.
I have mostly fixed the situation.
Or at least all of the situations that spiraled from it.
Money is going to be tight.
Like tighter than ever.
When I say tight I mean I will have no money for three weeks.
Then that money will be put directly on tuition.
While my phone bill is paid with my credit card.
Which will then be maxed out.
Where will I get money for dues?
To buy things necessary/convenient to life?
Not really sure.
Life in general is going to be really inconvenient for awhile.
I am over it until I think about it.
Then I am infuriated.
Fuck.
Life goes on.
Right?

Until this moment

I have never in my entire life felt like a failure. I am a complete and total failure right now. I really hope I can get through this.

Thanks for the memories

Why does everything and everyone wait until the last possible minute?
I am going to Marquette Friday morning and I am not planning on coming back. I am sorry if you missed your chance to hang out with me, but I am not rearranging my schedule for anything. Not to sound narcissistic but everyone knows I had planned on being home for a month, that time is now over. I am a little disappointed and a little bit hurt, but I do understand that things change. It has been real but I refuse to be held back by this place and any obligation I feel towards it. You have only reinforced me decision to not come back.
Please refrain from taking this as a bitter goodbye. It is far from it there is no bitterness attached and I would rather not even call it a goodbye. I am not bitter I am understanding. Just as I have grown and matured so have you and it would be childish of me to think of you as a person any different than I. We are all just trying to become something we want to become. It is possible that whereas my plans do not involve this place your plans do not involve me right now. I understand. That is why this is not a bitter goodbye, but a friendly and encouraging so long and safe travels. Just as I plan to do great and exciting things I wish all of you luck and your own private vision of success. And I sincerely hope that someday, whether in the next few months, years, or decades, if our paths cross again you will find me and I promise to do the same that way we, no matter how different we have become, can share our experiences. I am nothing without the people I have been close with, and would once again be naive to think I could ever forget them.

Getting antsy

Big question

After I get my bachelors I should immediately devote all of my time to:
Coast Guard?
Peace Corps?
Backpacking(with a sponsor)?

Bring it on.

*Workout times Subject to change

2011

Its a new year
A fresh start.
Soon everyone will miraculously become better people.
They will go to church, workout, or study hard.
There wont be any smoking, drinking, or swearing.
This is a new beginning a time of great change.
A whole new you.
A whole new year.
Maybe they will keep it up for a month.
Then everyone one will go back to being themselves.
Change doesn't happen overnight. You can not force yourself into being a better person.
It is more of an ongoing process than a flip of a switch.
Resolutions are meaningless.
I resolve to continue.