The future aint what it used to be.

I don't know what to say to make any of this make sense. I feel like I am chasing somebody else's dream, accomplishing somebody else's goals, and pursuing somebody elses passion. Four years of study has taught me that I hate Biology. Four years of academics has shown me that I do not want to waste my time "learning." And it doesn't even matter. I will walk in May, but I doubt I am ready.

Sustainability

The level of confusion I feel towards my life has never before been at the level it has reached in these past seven weeks. I normally have a breakdown right about now, because I am starting to feel trapped and insignificant, but that happened last weekend, someone got a lot of really sad and pathetic text messages to deal with. This time though its not because I don't know what to do with my life, or that I'm stressed about money, or I wonder what it would be like to have a unbroken family, or I'm overwhelmed. All these things are true, but I could not care less about them right now. My eyes have been opened, my world has been shattered, and nobody else seems to care or notice or even hear me out. Anyway where I am right now I am worried about the future, but the future is not what it used to be. I am worried about peak oil and economic collapse. I am worried about coping with a future that nobody has seen coming, a future that is too late to avoid, the end of growth. The human race has been promising and striving for infinite growth in a finite world. This is a problem. You see nature exists in a cyclical fashion, while human growth is linear. We transform resources into waste and do nothing with the waste. I used to worry about climate change and protecting the environment, but honestly, financial collapse and a global energy crisis will slam us first. Its rough to explain, but then end of the story is that, I have been wasting my time in college and the future we were promised is not a possibility. And now I just do not know how to continue living my life. I am currently in a stage of depression, denial, and self pity. Why must I deal with the mistakes of people before me? More to come.

In the air

There is something big coming. I wish I had a purpose in life.

Now we've got Something to prove. And I, I can see their eyes, but tell me something, can they see mine? Cause whats left to lose? I've done enough. And if I fail well then I fail but i gave it a shot. And these last three years, I know they've been hard. But now its time to get out of the desert and into the sun; even if its alone. A song has never more perfectly summed up my life. I hate this feeling.

Go Do

Remember when success was effortless? Remember when everything always went as planed? Remember never knowing what failure felt like? Me neither. I have mentally restructured my life philosophy based upon my love for jumping off of things, into things, out of things, and over things. The act of jumping is, even in the most controlled situations, pretty chaotic. A million things could happen, but once the jump starts it has to be finished. Whether the jump ends in the Superior Sea, with a scraped up face, or a summer in California. Jumping is an ultimate commitment, disguised in risk, adventure, and the unknown. Its not about living life on the edge, its about getting the courage to leave the edge. Its about not viewing the edge as an end, but a transition. The summit is nice, but there still has to be a way to get back down. Its running as far as I can and taking four more steps, its about doing it all and then doing it differently. I never want anything to hold me back ever, I never want to have to say, "I would but..." I like to jump, a jump is a change, a quick transition. I don't want to linger, I don't want to delay. There is a risk with a jump, I might not land how I planned, I might not land where I planned, but failure is the best way to learn. I will not let the fear of what might happen prevent me from trying. People are really good at talking themselves out of things, convincing themselves that they do not want something, when they really do. Other people think this is good, they tell each other, "sleep on it." Never sleep on anything. Just live deliberately, immediately. I will not delay my life in an effort to prevent myself from ever feeling failure. I will not protect myself from life.

If you cant remember a better time

Every day I change, my values shift, I become a little bit more. Another summer has come and gone and I find myself stuck in a current, unable to free myself. I lie on my bed in the beginnings of my senior year of college and it is like all of the things that have happened these last 21 years were just hazy dreams. If I take a moment to slow down, I am shocked that I have become who I am, not in a bad way, just shocked that everything that has happened, has. Its been a while since last Ive posted a blog, but that is due mostly to the lack of reliable internet this past summer in the mountains, and with that I find it only right to describe some of my summer in Northern California as an ice breaker for what will hopefully be my transition back into blogging. And so the rant that was my summer can begin where my summer began on the train.
It was my first time on a train and remember feeling incredibly excited and curious as to how we were expected to live on a moving string of little trailers for three days. I was initially impressed with the size of the train and then even more impressed with the conveniences it had with it. Those people with a little more money then me had showers, beds to sleep in, and dined in a restaurant. Even I only holding a 180 dollar coach ticket had a comfortable reclining seat, outlets to charge my phone and computer, running water, a large variety of food, and a gorgeous view of the American west. When the novelty of the train began to wear off it was replaced with an overwhelming feeling of awe due to the natural beauty of the country I was traveling through. Both good and bad, the train was an amazing experience, waiting for buffalo to clear the tracks, traveling through the Colorado Rockies, where no cars go, traveling through the Donner Pass, and just breathtaking views across the entire continent. Yet it filled me with this overwhelming feeling of confinement, to see such things and only being allowed to just see them through a window. It was a strange experience, I could look, but was forbidden to touch, forbidden to even look for more than a second. There was a freedom to stop and travel at my own pace that was hard for me to be denied. And then before I knew it the train ride had ended.
Meeting new people, is always a very awkward and strange experience. Getting off a train and meeting new people 8 states away is an extremely awkward situation. No matter how much you may actually really fit in and have great chemistry with a group of people it is incredibly easy to feel alone and unwelcome before you get to know them. Myself in particular have a very hard time believing that people have time for me and needless to say the first couple days of summer were hard, then after a week it was like I had been there all along. Then becomes the struggle of trying to get to know people that you have met, to progress beyond small talk, to relate. Once you are already, "friends."
What would a blog of California be without a bit on the ocean?
7-18-12
Staring off this cliff. I spot a single man walking down a deserted beach, it is around 8 am. I stare at the man with a puzzled look and wonder if he sees me and returns my confusion. He picks up a large stick and it is clear he does not see me high above him. He begins writing in the sand with the stick now, in huge letters he spells out, "Happy Birthday," all I can think of is how long he walked to wish someone happy birthday.
8-5-12
Sometimes the best feeling in the world is the insignificance I feel when looking out into the ocean. As I watch the waves crash on rocks, the tide come in and dramatically change the terrain of the beach, its hard to feel like anything I do really actually matters. And at some points in my life it would be very deterring to be reminded of my insignificance, but today I am only reminded of the man wishing happy birthday in the sand, only to have the approaching tide destroy it. Why can my mistakes and regrets, not be like his wish to a friend, why not can they be as insignificant as a message written in the sand? Its humbling to watch something so much larger then myself and its comforting to know, the trivial day to day obsessions are not even a drop in the ocean. What I do that matters, changing the life of a kid, helping out a friend, and hopefully protecting our world, will matter. But the trivial things that I have occasionally let get the best of me like a speeding ticket or an overdrawn bank account are nothing more than mistakes written in the sand of an approaching high tide.
The ocean was beautiful, if anything will be impossible to get over, it will be not having the ocean, the coastal fog, the salty air, and the sound of crashing waves.
And finally all good things must come to an end and a summer spent in redwoods and beaches of Northern California is a good thing. Ending was hard and a bit unreal, an experience like no other, that has undoubtedly steered me in a direction slightly different then the one I was heading on before. The people I have met have inspired me to, unbeknownst to them, seriously pursue a study abroad program this coming fall. The experiences I had have inspired me to pursue my career goals no matter how abnormal they are. And above all else it has reminded me why I value personal experience above all else. From jumping out of an airplane, to learning how to surf, to swimming with dolphins, to laying on the roof watching meteors, the experiences I have had this summer, were amazing, and I wouldn't trade them for any amount of financial stability, for any amount of stability in general. I vow to continue living my life by the seat of my pants, paycheck to paycheck and ready for anything.

Home is

After spending a month in the town that would be the dictionary definition of a hometown, in the house I grew up in, I find it necessary to evaluate what exactly the word home means to me. And after doing so, I can honestly say that it holds absolutely no sentimental meaning. The word home to me, simply means a place where I have a bed and a place to shower. Home is a place where I feel comfortable. Home is not where the heart is. I do not consider Flint, Michigan my home, and do not consider Marquette, Michigan my home. I feel as though I have no home, my heart belongs nowhere, and my heart belongs to the millions of places I have never been. Perhaps one day I will find a place where I get that weird mushy sentimental feeling people sing and write about. But for now, having a, "home" seems to me like a thing that would just hold me back. Honestly it seems a bit crazy that a person could become so attached to a place. I haven't found that, but I think that is all for the best. I honestly did not hate my stay in Flint as much as I have in the past and I believe it is because I came to Flint, knowing that I no longer belonged here. I came knowing that just as I have moved on so did those I once held close. I came braced to spend a lot of alone time, I came with a lot of running to do. I felt better here feeling like I was a guest instead of a local. I am glad I came here for a month, and I am thankful for the really good friends I got to see, and I am thankful for the not so good friends I got to see. I know the people who matter to me will always be in my life, no matter where my heart has set up its temporary home. The validation I sought from my hometown, I would now refuse, it would make me very happy to not be associated with this city on a regular basis. For the first time I can say without the bitterness I normally feel, that I cant wait to get out of Flint, not because I hate it here, but because I know without a doubt, that I do not belong here. I am trying to say this in the least condescending way possible, but I am too good to stay in Flint, too good to return to Flint, and too good to use growing up in Flint as a crutch. I deserve more and I will have no trouble getting more. I have yet to find a home and I am okay with that. I really am. Flint was a home at a time in my life, but that time has passed. I am swimming in open water, but I have no plans to return to the shore of the deserted island I left. (That last part was because I can never resist a metaphor).

The truth

Collegiate varsity student athletes are unfairly held in superior status to collegiate club athletes. Speaking from the perspective of a club athlete with varsity athlete friends, it is unfair that we as club sports are often thought of as second rate, not competitive, or "recreational." A serious club sport, such as rowing at NMU, practices six times a week. This is on par with many varsity sports or slightly less. Varsity sports however have reserved spaces for practice, team rooms, coaches, and trainers. As a club sport we have to fight to use a public gym or other public space, we have a coach to run practice for us only sometimes, and we have to work around the schedules of our athletes. As a club sport we do an excessive amount of travel for regattas and training. Varsity sports also spend a large amount of time on the road. However there is another important contrast to be made here. Varsity athletes ride comfortably on buses and planes driven by a hired person. As a club sport we pack into 15 passenger vans and take turns driving. When the varsity athletes arrive at their hotel, we arrive at the gym. Varsity athletes shower and relax in bed, while we spread out sleeping bags and crash on the floor. At the beginning of a season a varsity athlete is handed a schedule, while a club athlete spends hours working together with teammates to make a schedule. What is handed to varsity athletes by all of the behind the scenes administrators, club athletes need to prepare for themselves. And perhaps the most impressive reason that club athletes should be held in greater regard is that we are given no scholarships, no uniforms, no Nike shoes, and no equipment. In fact while every Varsity athlete at Northern receives free text books, many receive scholarships, and none pay anything to compete, I find myself paying. Paying for travel, paying for use of the athletics facility, paying for equipment, paying for use of a dock, uniforms, regatta entry fees, and spring training. All of this on top of tuition, rent, food, and textbooks. Unlike Varsity athletes the majority of club athletes have to hold down jobs to pay for all these things on top of practice, class, and competitions. As a dedicated athlete, who rows with an extremely dedicated group of people. I find that I am not overstepping my bounds in any way, when I say that a club athlete puts forth as much, if not more effort, to compete than a varsity athlete. We both work hard on the field, we both work hard in out studies, but club athletes also have to work hard to finance their desire to compete, and coordinate the things necessary to compete. I used to want to be varsity, but now I have come to realize that being a club athlete, has been, and will continue to be a more rewarding and challenging experience, than I would receive as a pampered member of a varsity program. I row club, not because I am not "good enough" for varsity, but because I am better than varsity.

lingering thoughts

I am terrified, scared to death, but I am just going to keep on pretending that I have everything under control. When I think about my life and what it means I want to vomit. When I try to legitimize who I am, I come up short. When I look for higher purpose I am left with the feeling that ultimately, in the grand scope of existence as comprehensible by the human mind, any impact I have will be comparable to plucking a single leaf from a tree in a forest. I have no purpose, may never find a purpose, but long for nothing more than to be indispensable. This is the flaw in complex thought, this is the birth of a higher being. "Give me something to live for and I will blindly believe." My mind is capable of asking complex questions about the structure and purpose and meaning of existence, but my soul is incapable of accepting the cold logically sound and scientifically heavily supported truth that can be summed up eloquently in the phrase, "shit happens." Nothing happens for a reason, everything is some complex aftershock of a not fully understood event. We know matter can neither be created nor destroyed, so how can we live each and every day unable to explain existence. How can I justify brushing my teeth every morning to rid my teeth of something that has no scientific or logistical base to exist? How can I spend twenty years learning things that can ultimately never be proven true? How can I form connections with people whose life in comparison to an eternity are short and irrelevant? Why do these questions hang around in my head?

Spark notes

I have determined my biggest personality flaws, or traits, I guess they are not necessarily flaws. I am over competitive. I need constant and obvious validation from other people. I am extremely needy. And finally I need to be constantly entertained at both a small and large scale. Starting from the top with my highly competitive spirit, I have a need to be the best at everything that interests me, not everything I do, but everything that I want to do. I have this insane need to be on top all of the time. I believe this can be attributed to, as many of these traits can be, my status as the youngest child. I was born into a world of people with far more skills and privileges than I. Disadvantaged because of my age I had to fight for many things. Being second or third best at so many things, forced me to be highly determined and competitive. Which leads in perfectly to my need for validation that I often seek out through attempts at becoming the best. I almost immediately look up to any person I become friends with, unless there is a very obvious age difference, that makes it clear that I am older. I need their validation, instantly, I need to know that they know that I am worthy. This could be why I come off as arrogant to a lot of people. Its not because I truly think I am incredible, it is because I want other people to think I am incredible. Again this is not because I am arrogant, this is because I want to be indispensable in a persons life, because I am so needy. I am unsure where the neediness came from. This one I think is far more complicated and has a lot to do with the nontraditional structure of my family. With three half siblings and one full sibling, I grew up living with only one sibling and did not feel as though I was an important part in the lives of my other siblings, and they were not an important part in the lives of each other. Than as I grew people were taken out of my life at times for good or for long periods of time, this hurt me and left me rather unsure of my worth to others. I think because people fell out of my life so often as a child, forced me to seek constant affection from other people. This makes it really painful for me to lose friends and boy friends, because I invest so much of emotions into trying to keep them around. I am afraid of being left behind, I am terrified of being forgotten. This kind of transitions poorly into my constant need to be occupied or entertained. It almost contradicts it to be honest. For very similar reasons to those stated above I have a low tolerance for sameness. This applies to very short term, like over a course of a day, I constantly need to have something to do, and if not I get rather depressed. It also applies to much longer time frames, like a semester for example. I start to get extremely antsy and sick of the routine and even sick of the people I hang out with, which usually leads me to shift my core group of friends at least momentarily. This also causes me to freak out in relationships, I hate the feeling of comfortable, because I think it is going to lead me to get stuck. I need to be constantly amused with new experiences or I start to feel trapped and flighty and I get really stressed out. This is an explanation for why I can not stand Flint, as I see so many of my friends and family stuck here. This is the reason I have a hard time calling someone my boyfriend, because ultimately boyfriend leads to settling down. So entertain me, validate my existence, give me hugs, tell me you love me, and stay in my life. For the love of god, do not leave me.

realization

Looking back, it is amazing that I have made it this far, I am finished with my Junior year of college. I look back and I only remember the good times. Here's to at least three more semesters in Marquette!

Remember me?

I have no idea who I am. I have no idea what I am doing. I remember what I used to be. I have changed a lot, again. Hopefully you will like this new me better than the old new me.

Shitty

I honestly hate everything right now. Maybe I am overreacting. I fucking hate all of my friends. Maybe I don't mean it. I really cannot stand this place right now. Maybe I am just angry. I feel so alone, meaningless, and used. Maybe I am being over dramatic. I am legitimately seriously one hundred percent going to put in zero effort from now on. Maybe I am acting a little rash. Maybe I just cannot pretend to be okay anymore. Fuck everything, I am done giving. I have been naive, gullible and obedient for far to long. I was always there, but now I am gone. Good Luck, have a sweet life.

Thats where I have to go

I keep having the same dream, that I am in the same bar, with the same people, and the same guy. I have never been to that bar and I don't know any of those people and I have never seen that guy in my life. This dream hasn't occurred once or twice, but every night for the past week. Every time nothing exciting happens, every time we just sit there. The bar is crowded, but we don't dance, we just sit there. It is a strange dream.

strength

There has been this inkling I have, cant get it off my mind. That saying, "always a bridesmaid, never a bride," well it describes my life perfectly minus the whole marriage connotation. I am always the one going the extra mile for someone else, I am always the person going out of my way to make someone else happier. I am like the best friend with no best friends. Lately I have been the one holding their hair back, lending out 50 bucks, talking out their problems, going out of my way to spend time with them, and just in general putting my life on hold. Its like I am stuck being a friend to a rock. Then to think back throughout my whole entire existence I do not think that I can think of a single person who has ever fully reciprocated the effort. I am not saying I don't have friends, I am not saying I don't have a lot of really good friends. I am not trying to play the victim here. I just simply do not think there has ever been a person who values me as much as I value them. Maybe as a kid, but that doesn't really matter. I think while I have tried to act in the role as a best friend many times, to my knowledge no one has ever said, "this kid right here, I would sell my kidney to get them out of jail." I would do that for a large portion of the people I consider myself close to. I am everyone's favorite person from work, best camp friend, best friend on the crew team, favorite person to drink with, or favorite person in class. My life, my friendships are very situational. Nobody is willing to try and make it work, unless its already there. I admit, I am a hard person to be friends with, constant flight risk, jam packed schedule, accident waiting to happen, who is plenty full of crazy. I just want to know what it would be like for someone to care about me as much as I care about other people. I really just wonder. Prime example: I go ridiculous distances to visit other people, who wont even pretend like they are willing to come up to me. And I know, I am shithead, I leave, but I mean that is who I am always going to be. Maybe I am just too inconvenient. I mean, I really shouldn't care, maybe that is just who I am, best supporting actress, a shoulder to cry on, and a coach to crash for the night on. I just wish you knew, how a hug can make my day.

Somehow

I want to let you in.
I dont trust you.

Needy

I will always be the youngest child and I will always be trying to make someone proud of me. I am powerless to validate my own exsitince.

All good things

Im depressed, but I think it will pass.

Current

I guess if I had to describe it, I would say I feel trapped. I am trapped in a period of my life that is excruciatingly unexciting. My routine is mundane and unwavering. I wake early every morning and fall asleep as soon as I can the following evening. If I am not at practice, work, or in class, than I am either unconscious or at the library. A lot of my friends are just as busy as I am. And a lot of my friends seem unable or unwilling to make time for someone as busy as me. Its strange having weekends that are not really breaks, but just a continuation of the same monotony of work and practice. In fact, today was the first day in a long time where I allowed myself a day off to just relax and spend time with my friends. I usually pick up shifts so I work a solid amount of time, but I decided I wouldn't work for just one Saturday. Just one Saturday I would ignore everything and have a good time. I made plans with people to do fun things, to hang out, to explore the outdoors. I was worried that I would not be able to fit everything in. Fortunately or rather unfortunately I discovered I did not have to worry about disappointing anyone by not being able to make it to our planned events, because they flaked out on me first. There is not a feeling that I found that hurts as much or lingers as long as abandonment. I had a day a completely free day, with no prior commitments, the only day I have had or will have in a very long time and not a single person rated me above getting day drunk on flat, warm, green beer. In turns out being someone who doesn't drink is an inconvenience to many people. Tomorrow I work and my unwavering true companion, the 17 hour day, picks up again right where they left off. The good thing about the grind is that its easy to fall back into. I have never wanted something more than I do right now. And that thing I want, is anything other than what I have. To be clear I am not unhappy, I think I am pretty happy, and I am not upset with my life, I am actually pretty proud of it. I guess if I had to describe it, I would say I feel trapped, I feel forgotten, and I feel alone. And I am a bit stressed out, yet that would be the icing on the metaphorical cake.

Joke

One day, I hope somebody can take me seriously. I guess I will understand if they never do.

Dilemma

I have so many things to say but I do not know how to convey my thoughts and emotions. There are so many things I need to do and no knowledge of how to get it done. A million places left I would enjoy to visit, but I have not a clue how to get there. I have goals I am trying to accomplish, yet I seem to be standing still. I want to live in the now, but I would like to move forward.

Life

I am perfectly content with my life. Too bad content will never be enough for me.

Weak

I cant handle death.

Beautiful.

seperation compression drive

Last Sunday marked the start of my first ever dry rowing season, dry meaning without alcohol. Our new coach believes that one should always be training, even on weekends. I have been known to be a bit of a partier and at first I was in a state of dismay after hearing this. How would I have any fun? I am in college, don't I have to drink? But then as I told the people I surround myself with and saw how much they doubted me, how they thought I would never be able to do such a thing, it gave me motivation. I feed off the doubt that other people have for me. Your belief in my failure, your refusal to believe in me, makes me stronger, it makes me who I am. So thank you all for providing me with that extra spike of motivation, but let me tell you one thing. I am not doing this for you, I am not doing this because the coach wants us to, I am not doing this for the team, I am going to do this because I want to become a better rower. I want to be the best rower I can be I want to go to the club team nationals. I absolutely hate being an exceptional rower, I want to be the best rower. I want to take the opportunities our club team is being given, this new coach, who has lead clubs to become scholarship programs, to sweeping NACRAs, to becoming a team to beat, and change NMU Crew into something to be proud of. I am sick of being a drinking team with a rowing problem. I want to get the recognition that we deserve and I want to double my number of medals. Its not about having fun, its not about making friends, its not about doing your best. Its about getting first and leaving it all out in the boat. Its collapsing at the finish. Its about scaring the shit out of the competition. Its about cutting seconds in every race. Its about breaking 2:00. Its not about getting better, its about becoming great. Collegiate rowing is a competition, not a game. Sports aren't all about winning, but once you get to the level were competing at this season it becomes your first priority. I want to win and I am willing to make the sacrifice. No booze. No fried foods. No fucking problem.

Snails see the benefits, the beauty in every inch.

I don't know what it is, but I cant complain, I feel amazing. Maybe it is the recent new year or perhaps it is because my 6th semester of college starts tomorrow, I just don't know. I feel like I am about to start an epic hike through the mountains. I feel fresh and energized, completely ready to go. My application for California has been submitted. I am getting ready to start applying for scholarships and figuring out how to ask my grandmother to cosign a loan so that I can go Australia next spring. I am about to start another season of rowing and we have a brand new coach that actually wants to work us and get our team to improve, even spoke of going to NCRA nationals in May. My job has gotten more fun and easier since getting promoted. I already paid this semesters tuition. And best of all the classes I am in are not as hellish as last semester, although Ive heard bad things about GIS. Maybe its optimism, maybe I am just being naive, lying to myself, but I have a feeling tomorrow will mark the beginning of a great semester followed by an amazing summer.

Beautiful

And I know some shit's so hard to swallow
But I can't just sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow but I know one fact
I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow

Relate to me

I no longer have any self esteem. It would be fucking amazing to still have someone willing to talk this out.

The rocky mountain state

I even miss these little bitches that run up the poderosa pines and throw shards of pine cone flesh at poor unsuspecting passersby.

Another year

Why should I focus on regrets or resolutions? Its easier to just keep going.