Current

I guess if I had to describe it, I would say I feel trapped. I am trapped in a period of my life that is excruciatingly unexciting. My routine is mundane and unwavering. I wake early every morning and fall asleep as soon as I can the following evening. If I am not at practice, work, or in class, than I am either unconscious or at the library. A lot of my friends are just as busy as I am. And a lot of my friends seem unable or unwilling to make time for someone as busy as me. Its strange having weekends that are not really breaks, but just a continuation of the same monotony of work and practice. In fact, today was the first day in a long time where I allowed myself a day off to just relax and spend time with my friends. I usually pick up shifts so I work a solid amount of time, but I decided I wouldn't work for just one Saturday. Just one Saturday I would ignore everything and have a good time. I made plans with people to do fun things, to hang out, to explore the outdoors. I was worried that I would not be able to fit everything in. Fortunately or rather unfortunately I discovered I did not have to worry about disappointing anyone by not being able to make it to our planned events, because they flaked out on me first. There is not a feeling that I found that hurts as much or lingers as long as abandonment. I had a day a completely free day, with no prior commitments, the only day I have had or will have in a very long time and not a single person rated me above getting day drunk on flat, warm, green beer. In turns out being someone who doesn't drink is an inconvenience to many people. Tomorrow I work and my unwavering true companion, the 17 hour day, picks up again right where they left off. The good thing about the grind is that its easy to fall back into. I have never wanted something more than I do right now. And that thing I want, is anything other than what I have. To be clear I am not unhappy, I think I am pretty happy, and I am not upset with my life, I am actually pretty proud of it. I guess if I had to describe it, I would say I feel trapped, I feel forgotten, and I feel alone. And I am a bit stressed out, yet that would be the icing on the metaphorical cake.