Summer

Well, well, well, I am nervous as fuck but I cannot wait.
Day Fourteen: Bought a toothbrush as opposed to getting free ones from the dentist.

catch up

This rope burn/lack of skin really kills, especially on the shower...
I am really behind on my new things:
Day Thirteen: Breakfasted at Kountry Kubburd; forgot toast
Day twelve: swam into Lake Michigan via the Sable river
Day Eleven: Lovely Picnic at clover beach
Day Ten: Experienced new music courtesy of Salvation Army
Day Nine: Heron lake coast to coast swim

Im looking forward to this life I live

Right now is one of those times in my life where everything is working out, minus the whole father daughter relationship. I am about to start work, Registered for classes I feel good about, FASFA filled out finally, and its sunny outside. Translation: I have three months to goof off while getting paid, and something to look forward to doing afterward.

Day six: pineapple upside down cake (sick by the way).
Day seven: made a commitment to a long book; 100 years of solitude.
Day eight(today): Dove, fell head first rather, into water.

seven days, seven days, keep telling yourself, seven days

I have not been home to do anything but change my clothes and shower in five days, four nights and I only bumped into my dad one time. After a slight conversation he succeed in telling me that I am a failure. So I asked what I failed to do. He told me not to be smart with him. I asked him to stop being stupid with me and scrambled to make that sound less insulting, it did not work. I was told to get out of his sight, so I did, but I really do not feel like moving out a week before leaving because I need to do laundry, pack, and I want a place to stay on the weekends if I feel like visiting Flint. Also I am a fan of free health insurance and not paying any of my medical bills. Shity. I have to go apologize now, run some bullshit about not feeling like myself, tell him I will try harder, and basically pretend that I am not a "failure" (not that I think I am, my idea of success is just way different). Then I just have to ride out the week practicing super avoidance skills, and I will be home free. Or rather away-from-home free. Parting is such sweet sorrow, minus the sorrow.

Fuckkkkkkkkkk

Fuck! were fucked.

You're just somebody that I used to know

Yeah it is not the same anymore, I can not even stand to be around you. Everything you do gets on my nerves. I do not even know how we used to be friends. I have changed and I am sorry to say you have not. Luckily for me you make it really easy to avoid you. Peace out and best wishes with the rest of your life. I am sure you can find someone who has more common intrests to be friends with.

Day Four: Mexican Rice from scratch disaster

Day Five: Hung out with old friends disatser, decided to FINALLY let people go

stress

You know that dream where you are driving in your car and all of a sudden it seems way to small for you and you cant steer it or anything, then you find yourself driving through some cornfield and you just feel really really really uncomfortable, no fear just discomfort, a little nausea, that is how my life feels right now. Lets call this stress, more pressure from others than from myself, but nonetheless it is stress. The cool part is that everyone and a half can apparently see I am stressed and they all have these great ways for me to try and solve it. I mean cool I like suggestions, but some of them are just adding to my stress. Meditation is not working because I can not even seem to clear my mind, alcohol is not a good choice for stress but it worked towards the end of the school year, exercise/adventure seem to work best so I am going to stick with that. I will however continue to entertain all the crazy stress relieving techniques I keep getting. I mean why not it is helping me do something new everyday.

Day Three: visited and adventured in Flushing park

Everything

Someday they'll open up your world
Shake you down to the drawing board
Do their best to change you
They still can't erase you
From what I've seen
You're just one more hand me down
Because no one's tried to give you
What you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now
Lay them down on me
I feel like I am always forced to think about you. Everything is a reminder.

Day two: Went tanning.

Day one

Today was day one of doing something new everyday. All i did was get an oil change, which I have never in my life done, but hey you have to start somewhere. I am looking forward to have more exciting new things to do as time progresses. This should help me be more open minded and well rounded.

The kids are losing their minds

I will admit I am a little weird, but I am pretty sure this strangeness is only temporary. I have been searching pretty relentlessly these last five years for myself, and I am pretty sure I am getting close. Perhaps, I am on the verge of a breakthrough. In fact I am positive that by the end of this summer I am going to have things straightened out rather nicely. To be honest I am pretty sure I know what I want but it is going to take a break from my current life and commitments to get it. This summers goal is to build a new foundation of myself and my life philosophy. To be honest right now I feel like a fucking poser, but I am not, I am just finally realizing what I want to be. I am stuck in a transition between the old me and who I am going to be. This is good, really good, I am done whining about being confused, because I am done being confused.

If you swear that there's no truth and who cares, how come you say it like you're right?

I over analyze things because I am sick of everything being oversimplified. It is easy to say something is blue, but no one cares why it is blue or how being blue affects its overall purpose. I mean maybe I am different but I care more about the "why" then the actual fact. Facts are cool, but back stories are way more interesting. I am sick of being expected to accept things at face value, because it is, or because it always has been are ridiculous reasons to believe things. It is not that simple, it is never that simple. I am not simple minded enough to believe everything I read. I am not simple minded to consider facts as anything more than theories. And I am not simple minded enough to ever not want to know more.

wierd posting an actual picture, im getting too sentimental

Fridays in Marquette, the whole gang hanging out, whether it was a bonfire, a trip to the beach, a movie night, a food night, party hopping, or just plain mayhem. We always found something great to do, even if it was just four locos in paper bags on the break-wall, it was fun. Things in Marquette were just easier, there was always something to do and someone to do it with. I miss it, having that close circle of friends with three or four of them always ready to go do anything anywhere anytime. I do not have that in Flint I feel like I have to try way to hard to make anything happen. It is kind of weird I try not to get attached to people or places but I really miss Marquette. It is strange to say, but I feel more at home there. I love Flint, Michigan but I just do not find myself really fitting in here. It is not really the people I have nothing against the people in Flint, it is just more of the atmosphere. I have changed and Flint is the same, it does not fit anymore. I want to see more people walking than in cars, I want people to ask me to go to the cliffs or a mountain, instead of the mall. I miss my second family. I miss the extended, uncut, and uncensored heretofore. Because I may live in Marquette, Halverson, or even Flint but I will always, "GO HOME," with here4to!

Im useless but not for long.

Being at the beach makes me miss the real beach. I just want to climb something. I have never been more antsy. June 1st, August 15th, the future can not come soon enough. I just need a change of pace, Flint is so confining.

salvagable?

This semester did not go as well as planned. My GPA is 2.45, which means I have lost my scholarship. Hopefully I can fix it up next semester, not getting into Orgo is starting to look like a strategic GPA saving move. The good thing about starting shitty is that it is easier to finish strong eh.

more of the same

I was fine when I left the graveyard, I was fine when I was reassuring my sister that I was fine, I was fine when I left my brothers house, I was fine sitting in my room reading, until I looked up from my book and at the dream catcher hanging from my blinds. Then I lost it completely. All the composure I gained after losing it at the grave yard fell apart. I burst into tears and started to look through pictures, I read the poem and thank you letter contained in my senior scrapbook, one thing led to another, and I find myself bawling into a tattered, torn up jean jacket that is too hippie for even my tastes, its soul purpose is to hang in my closet until I need it to hug and cry into. It smells strongly of dust and very vaguely of camel cigarettes with subtle hints of jasmine, petiole, and lavender, but to me it is the closet thing I have to hugging her. Right now I am wearing the jacket, burning lavender, jasmine, and petiole and listening to matchbox twenty, but I think I am fine again. I am crying, but I am definitely handling this better than last year. I can have closure and still grieve, right?

Happy Mother's Day

It is always good talking to you. I miss you like hell.

this type of thing

So imagine you are at a party, a get together, some kind of gathering with loads of people, You know most of them or at least know of them. You feel pretty comfortable there. It is true there are one or two people there you have never before met. Those people seem to stay off to the side, they are quiet, you pay no attention to them. Anyway the night continues and the party starts to dwindle away the people in the corner remain in the corner. They have not seemed to move all night, you do not let it bother you, continue to ignore them, have a good time. Eventually you leave, and those people in the corner of the party, who did not move, they never cross your mind again. Well one of those people in the corner, or all of them, it does not really matter, lets just say they really did not move. Lets just say they were made out of cardboard the whole time, and they just stood there lifelessly observing the party, with no ability to intermix. Well that is how i feel, I feel like a cardboard cutout in the corner of a party. I am just watching everything, but I have nothing to do with anything, even if I participate, I just feel like I am filling space. It dosent matter why, I am, I just am, and thats all there is to it.

duality

All day today I have been getting really strange vibes. I feel like something is going to go wrong. I was really edgy and nervous while I was driving home. Then when I got home felt super uneasy and off. Also my incense did not light on the first try and that is a bad sign. I hope it is just the gloomy day messing with my head. I still feel really wierd though. I swear something is out of balance.

Inspiration

I feel as though I have nothing to write about anymore. I am totally out of ideas. It is not like nothing is happening in my life right now, but everything that is happening is not really important. The present is just a transition period. I feel like I am just waiting for the next step in my life. I mean I am sure important things have happened and will happen this month, but I am just shrugging them off. Its like a hazy month.

nothing

story of my life

Well shit

I was wrong again. Time to get my act together again. Mistakes are fun.

depressed or something

Everyone is being fucking weird.
This does not feel right.
I have missed too much.
I do not think I belong.
I want to start over

This place sucks

I am glad I only have to be here for a month.