The Aim conversation = inspiration

Sick rhyme, in the title. Today I realized that I just want to be happy. That I just want to go with the flow, and let life take me where it wants too. There is always some hitch in the plan though. I know I will not be happy just doing something I love, because I will not be happy unless I make my family proud. I also will not be happy just doing something to make them proud, doing something I love. No, I can not be happy unless I am making a difference in a large number of lives. So it is not just a matter of doing what I love anymore. The flow might just lead me to a waterfall, and somehow i need to avoid the bottom. I just do not know how exactly how to avoid it. Here is what I came up with so far. When I reach the edge, maybe I will need to get out of the river and go in a different direction. Like get out of the kayak and hike east instead of flow south. So I would not be going backwards, but a different direction completely. Some where I have not gone yet, but would not be able to get to with out first heading south. Either way I would be doing something I love and getting somewhere, new. That is my new outlook on life. Wander around productively, learning and seeing along the way, until someplace looks like a good destination. God I love shitty metaphors. I hope this makes sense. Actually I don't.

The fallout

I do not have the support system I had back home. I dont have people I can trust with my emotions. I have friends, people to hang out with, people to talk to. I just dont have those people I can open up fully with yet. Which is fine I excpect finding those people to take more than just a few weeks. What bothers me is that I am losing touch with the few people I had that relationship with. Some of the people I cared about more than anything, I havent been able to talk to in weeks. It is starting to get to me. I was one hundred percent ready to lose touch with a lot of the people I once knew. I just can not take some of the only people I trust slipping away from me. Its really starting to mess with me.

The truth

This is getting kind of old.

The free t-shirt

Today was make a difference day at Northern. I learned that people are more inclined to volunteer if it involves a free t shirt. No one is selfless. No matter what someone does they do it for themselves. Some how some way they benefit. I volunteer because it makes me feel less guilty. I truly enjoy helping people. I volunteer because it gives me joy. I get joy. People give their lives and in return they receive honor. I can think of no scenario where a person can do something selflessly. Someone once said organ donation is selfless but even that gives us a righteous feeling. When I got my drivers license, I said, "I would like to be an organ donor," the lady at SOS said, "good for you." It made me feel good. Selflessness was lost. I wish I could come up with one scenario that is truly selfless. It is impossible. I feel like if a conscious decision is made that decision can not be selfless.

The gift of inspiration

There are so many people who have inspired me to be who I want to be. I wish I could thank every single person who has shown me a better way to do something or different way of looking at something. Unfortunately, there are so many people who have opened my eyes, it would be impossible. A lot of them probably do not even know the impact they have had on me. So instead of thanking them, I want to prove it was worth it by inspiring as many people as I can. I have yet to become inspirational, but I feel as I am heading in the right direction. As long as there is always someone there to continue inspiring me, I know that one day I will inspire someone else.

The coincidental epiphany

Today someone told me it was a beautiful day. My reaction was "not really," because it was cold and rainy outside. They said, "every day is beautiful," as they walked away. My first reaction was he is in a cult, but I could not stop thinking about it for the rest of the day. I have never heard something so mind blowing. He was so right every day is beautiful, I cant believe I did not realize it. Just the fact that we our alive today is beautiful. It should be our duty to enjoy it. It has nothing to do with weather at all, everyday is beautiful, everyday is what you make it. I know that this is extremely cliche. I know this whole blog entry is extremely cliche. I totally would not of blogged at all if it was not for my iPod playing, "Beautiful Day," by U2 right before I got up to go to bed. I took it as a sign from coincidence to post this blog. Everyday can be beautiful, It is not up to the weather at all.

The "sounded better in my head" blog

It is funny the things that link us to our past. I never really think about things that happened to me when I first started preschool, until I was reminded of the school I went to. There is a set of stairs in the university center that absolutely reeks of that run down little school. Whenever I climb those stairs memories flood back of chicken pox, nap time, the bat in the chapel, and the crazy rules we had to follow. Eating a symphony bar reminds me of when I used to live in a rundown trailer park. I remember the trap in the living room floor, it was a hole invisible to the naked eye, the exact size of foot but the carpet remained, we would always catch our foot in it a trip. The snow days we spent reading books or just laying around because we did not have a TV back then. We called them lazy days. Matchbox twenty reminds me of my mom and summers on the beach spent blasting mad season. "Wagon wheel" reminds me of my family during the summer and at Christmas. The sound of waves or loons remind me of waking up at summer camp. Pudding reminds me of my old dog Mikey and her face after we fed it to her. These random things have the most minute connection to what I am forced to think of when I hear see or taste them, but that is all I want to think about. Now whenever I am in the university I go out of my way to use those stairs. I like thinking of my past because it is what made me me.

The (non)spotless mind

I think a lot. I have a lot of great thoughts. Unfortunately I am always thinking. I always have so much on my mind. Whether it is something I am trying to remember or something I am trying to figure out. Something is always there. So when I need to think about something it has to compete with all these other unfinished thoughts. I wish I could simply sit down and finishing thinking all these thoughts, but it is not that simple. The questions and problems that loom in my mind never seem to leave, no matter how much I think about them. No matter how many times I write them down or talk about them. They are always there. I do not even want to forget them. I wish I did. They are like those unanswerable questions. I know I can not answer them, because it is impossible, but I also know it is impossible for me to stop trying. I like the questions most of the time, though, they make me feel intelligent, I do not think that is the word I am looking for. To bad I never think of questions I can answer.

The blog that sounds familiar.

More and More I am starting to doubt the validity of "working now and playing later." I have heard that I am in the prime of my life. Should I not be playing now. I do not want to work til I am eighty and as soon as I can do whatever I will not be able to do anything. I hate being forced into a schedule, why is fourteen years of learning not enough. Why am i not aloud to decide what I need to succeed. What happened to learning by doing. I am sick and tired of perparing for my life. How old will I be when I am finally done perparing. How much useless shit will I have to learn. I just want to live now. I can only do so much on the weekends and after class. There is so much I want to do and see. I know i have to do this if I want anyone to ever take me seriously. Do not get me wrong I love college. I love NMU. Theres just so much that I love more. I cannot wait to be educated enough to make my mark. Until then I guess Carpe diem.

The knowledge of knowledge

While doing my the vocabulary in my homework today I came across the word Meta-cognition. The defintion is simply, knowing about kowing. Natrually I was intrigued and also slightly confused. I am pretty sure not to many people have this ability. People never seem to be able to admit when their wrong, they just believe they are always right. Yet at the same time there is no way to know if what a peson knows in the truth. People have always "known" things. We knew the world was flat. We knew that cocaine was good for you. Somehow we dont believe these things to be true. We can not possibly "know" anything for sure. So we can not even know about knowing. I thought it was kind of trippy. It had me thinking for a while.

The blame game

Blame is a loaded gun. When any huge tragedy is sustained, the question is never, "How can we make this right?" or "Did we deserve this?' No, it is always the same question, "Whose to blame and how can we punish them the best?" We can never get over a tragedy unless we have someone to blame. Hurricane Katrina a completely natural disaster, yet we still needed to find someone to blame, the government, the national guard, it does not matter unless it is someones fault. Why can we not take the energy we put in blaming into prevention or recovery? Blame is a terrible cycle we blame someone for something and punish them, they blame us for their punishment and we punish them, we view their punishment as unjust and punish them? Does this not sound a lot like the bickering we would do on the playground as children? Have we not progressed past childhood? I mean honestly at least children make amends and go pack to being friends eventually. Fighting can never be justified. Fighting made it possible for you to have this opinion... blah blah blah. True, this is a valid point, but let us examine why we fought. We fought because someone else wanted to fight us, we entertained this fight. So if they never needed to fight us we would have never fought them. We blamed them for starting it, thus we justified ourselves fighting back. You see, I am not bashing America, I am bashing the entire human race we are all at fault. "At fault," I just blamed the human race. We our all flawed we can not survive without blaming.

The world on my shoulders?

As a member of the youth of the nation, I apologize. I have not lived up to what you expect me to be. I can not fix the mistakes our nation and world has made. I know i am suppose to be a leader of tomorrow but all the pressure of tomorrow is ruining my today. We as a combined people of America are in quite a fix. Our world seems to be physically deteriorating before our eyes and everything we once knew is starting to disappear. We are in a state of economic turmoil. The rest of the world does not like America as country too much but in their times of need they still turn to us for an answer. In the past people my age have always fought for what is/was right. They have always found the answers. I am not so sure we as "a youth" have the passion for any one cause to push for the same change, search for the answers. I know it is not but it feels like the world has been placed on my shoulders more and more everyday and I do not know where to put it. Everyday theres another speaker at my college telling me to stand up for what I believe in. I am not as sure as I used to be what that is. I wish I knew. I am trying to find out, but everyday it seems like the things I was so passionate about were one sided. I want to find the answers. I just do not know where or how. I just hope I will or someone will before its to late.

The Fortune

Today I grabbed a fortune cookie as I walked out of my universities main dining hall. I cracked it open as I climbed the stairs to my room. I never really excpect to believe the fortune inside. Today, however, the fortune I got is something I really want to be true. I just do not think it is. The tiny paper with the five random "lucky numbers" and a phrase aimed at helping me to learn the complex language of chinese on one side said on the oppisite side, "Your sense of humor allows you to glide through these difficult times." I know I have a sense of humor and I now im having some tough times. Mentally im confused, really confused. And fiscally I do not know how I am going to pay for college. I just do not think that these problems are just things I can laugh off. I dont think it is that simple to get over my first finacial crisis or the moderate mental breakdown that is starting to consume me. So im really hoping this chinese wisdom is all it is cracked up to be and I will be able to laugh these problems off.

The timbers

Some nights it was freezing, other nights the heat was so intense, I was inspired to take a late night swim. Some nights were spent on a squeaky cot others were spent on the hard ground. I was usually eaten alive in my sleep. Yet it was the best place I was ever aloud to sleep. As I lay in my cozy bed now, I miss those nights I laid buried in my sleeping bag avoiding mosquitoes, half freezing, staring at the stars. The long nights spent hearing the life stories of new friends, sharing our dreams and aspirations. Feeling like I could trust seven other people, I had only know for a couple of weeks with my life. I spent days waking up to the sound of the loons on the lake and made hot cocoa over a smokey fire made of soaking wet wood, Filtering water from the middle of a smelly slimy bog. I rememberThe feelings of ectasy felt as I stood on top the world staring over a sea of birch to the mighty lake that was out final destination. Then racing to the bottom of the mountain only to climb another one in pure joy. Than once I reached my temorary home for the night I swam in a water fall, only to sit around a campfire pouring salt on my leeches as the others did the same. As I reached the end of my journey I was consumed with feelings of accomplishments and at the same time sorrow. The sorrow came from leaving the wilderness behind but also the knowledge that I would soon need to leave these people behind. Not even just thoses seven but all the people at the wonderful place, we all shared the same passion for the outdoors the same lust for adventure. This summer I can not wait to return to lead the next generation of youth to a love and respect for the wilderness. I can only hope I can help them see what I saw in the wilderness so many years ago. I hope they will run for the treeline or the shore whenever they get the chance. I can not wait to finally be the person who inspired me to be so many of the things I am today.

The same thing, i hope

Success sounds terrible. How can it even be measured. Do we count all the money someone has, because I am already out of the running. Is it accomplished by having a happy and healthy family, because I am not sure i want that either. Success cannot be something that has set unit of measurement, because it would be impossible for so many people with so many different ways of life to have achieved it. I conclude success must be impossible because is there not always someone more successful? The elusive perfect life of the Jones. We are forced to compare ourselves to the super rich and super happy and feel sorry for ourselves. We wish we could have that amount of success, but at the same time people in poverty think that having a minimum wage job is a success. That cannot be success either. No one is "rich in love," to the point where money does not matter. Money will always matter, it rules our lives. We need it. We need to need it, because if we did not what would we work for? Happiness? How can we be happy if the Jones are so successful and rich? Maybe the only way to find success is to stop looking for it, maybe we all just need to do what makes us happy. Saying we need to forget about money is not an option. I cannot be happy without money, because I cannot survive without money. I have come to the realization that I may never truly be "happy and successful," because I will always need money to travel, to explore, to hike, to read, to learn, to survive. I have realized that I can find a way to do what I want, I just have to be willing to work for it now. I do not know if I am, but i am going to try and work for it anyway. I just hope that I can handle it. Then when I am doing exclusively what I love, work and happiness will be the same thing. They have to be or I am just working for disappointment.

The depth or lack there of

I am shallow. Everyone is shallow. people that claim their not shallow, well, they are the shallowest. Its not just about appearance and it does not even have involve relationships or people. Shallowness is marked by those people who view the word as dealing with the attraction between two people. The word shallow has nothing to do with looks. Shallow means to lack depth. It has nothing to do with physical attraction. It has nothing to do with attraction. Its the depth of a persons intelligence of their emotions. The reason its used to describe someone who dates only "attractive" people is because we have stereotyped all attractive people to be shallow. That stereotyping in itself is shallow. People who claim they are not shallow are shallow for thinking that they can be above being shallow. Human minds can only get so deep, and its not that deep at all. There are so many things the human mind will never be able to comprehend. Imagine knowledge as the ocean. Human comprehension will never reach the botttom, we will think we have but we will never make it off the drop off. I mean we use metaphors to explain stuff still.

The problem

College hasn't been what i had hoped it to be yet. I haven't made that friend who is a mirror image of me. I have yet to meet that person that spends their free time as i do, who listens to the random blend of music that keeps me sane studying, who would be willing to drop anything to sleep under the stars, who is always up for random activities. I am not discouraged yet though because I haven't really put myself out there enough. College is also lacking the adventure i craved. I am so limited by the lack of a car, i dont know why i though i wouldnt need one. I really havent done any major hiking and im running out of places to bike to. Marquette has no lack of natrual beauty, but i want more. My feet are itching, I fear a routine forming. I want to get up to copper harbor. I want to head over to pardise when the falls freeze. I definatlly wouldnt mind heading to the porkies or seney. I am just so limited by lack of mobility right now. It's time for a vehicle. It's time for an adventure.

The ramble about music

So today I sat down and just listened to music for the first time in a long time. I haven't realized how emotional listening to good music can be. I am not talking about classical music. That is just good sound. I am talking about a combination of good sound and good lyrics. Not catchy lyrics necessarily but lyrics that are deer, that tell a story. I found myself closing my eyes and seeing the lyrics, understanding the song. I dont claim to have an ear for music or even an understanding of music. I just know that when i hear a song and feel a song at the same time, it is good music. Whats wierd is I was listening to a lot of folk, then hang by matchbox twenty came on, i felt the same thing. My love for matchbox twenty was renewed to say the least. I spent the better part of a couple of hours listining to every matchbox twenty song I could think of. It made me miss being a kid. I used to love matchbox twenty as a kid. Wow that was a bit of a rambiling entry.

The ideas

So I have good ideas. I am constantly thinking about some many things, all of which make perfect sense in my mind. The problem I have is conveying those ideas whether verbally or in print, they just never sound as profound or intelligent as they did in my head. I have noticed this more and more as I attempt to keep a blog. The idea I want to blog about always sounds really good in my head. Even as I am typing it, it sounds good. Then I read it and realize what i just typed either makes no sense or just sounds terrible. All the thought i put into it gets lost in translation. What I end up with always seems to be senseless babbling. I guess this entry serves as another prime example of that.

The problem with college

I have these mixed feelings about college now. I am beginning to hate the class aspect of college more and more and like they whole beginning g in college part more and more. Its not that i don't like learning or anything, I love to learn. I don't even hate all of my classes. I really only hate one, the others i just don't see a point to. The only class I enjoy having is Biology, its the only subject I care about. I don't understand why if I want to major in Biology, I have to take a few Chemistry classes, physics, and health. It seems like a waste of time. I would much rather focus my time and energy on something I actually care about and have passion for. Its not like my Chemistry class inspires me I am just trying to scrape by to get a passing grade. I just can not wait until I get all the prerequsites done with.

The break from reality

Today i took a nice bike ride along the shore of lake superior. It was a little chilly today so i had no trouble finding my own little place on the beach where i could sit and think. I was amazed at the emptiness of the once crowed beach. I felt a sense of accomplishment, because for the last couple of days i was really looking for a chance to go on a bike ride, but the rain deterred me. It was also clear to me that many people were deterred by the chill today, that i so blindly ignored. After my ride, I laid on the beach the waves still big from the storms a few days prior. Instead of thinking as I had planned i ended up just clearing my mind and listening to the waves, watching the clouds, and relaxing. I was nice to forget about the pressure of school and paying for school for a little while. Until i realized the clouds once white and fluffy had become a dark gray. I decided it was time to leave the relaxtion and bike my way back down the path and up the hill to responsibilities

The Televison

I do not understand what is appealing about watching TV. The whole concept is a little screwed up. We laze on our sofas in sweatpants and t-shirts, watching other people enjoy themselves, weather real or not. Then we somehow form these sick connections to made up people. Their sorrow becomes our sorrow. We share their joy, their feelings of accomplishment. We share their joy. We take this TV family and live with them. We are content in our TV world. While our real life responsibilities waste away. We have a million chances to experience our own joys, sorrows, accomplishments, and yet somehow we push them all aside an hour a night to watch other people live. The most disturbing part is some times I catch myself watching people on TV watch people on TV. I comfort myself with the fact that aside from a few shows to which I am addicted, I mostly just watch the discovery channel or national geographic. In these show people are exploring new things adventuring to exotic places. I am learning. I cant possibly feel guilty for watching this. Until I realized that I should be there first hand discovering new places, climbing mountains, living my life, learning, and growing Maybe these things are not possible for me now, but if I would take less time watching TV and more time tending to my responsibilities and trying to accomplish my goals they could happen for me very soon. So while I am not sure I could swear of TV entirely. I am promising myself that I will never again watch TV if something better or more exciting is going on

The confession

Somehow I thought this wouldn't happen, I thought it could avoid it. I am totally starting to miss home. I miss last minute movies and bonfires. I miss being able to anything with anyone on a moments notice. Even though i only had my license for like a week, I really miss driving to see people. But more than that I miss those few people that i held close enough to have a real conversation with. Right now in college I dont really trust anyone enough to have a deep conversation with, so im constantly just telling people stories or making small talk. It just all seems so fake, but I really just cant start a conversation with my highly oppinonated views on the world and excpect people to reply. Im just hoping overtime I will have someone to talk about these things with. Untill then I still miss home.

The reason

Every time I see a college student over the age 0f 40 I get extremely depressed. It is not because I feel they have made a mistake or because I do not approve of what they are doing. I believe it is never to late to go to college. The depression comes from one very important college student I knew. Her curiosity unending, her reasons for attending completely selfless. She went to college not just to better herself, not just to better the lives of her children, but to better as many young lives as she could. She had a passion for children and hoped to help those children most in need of a mothers love. She was in her third year of college at the age of 44 studying to become a teacher for students generally viewed as "menaces to society." Tragically that would be as far she would get in her higher education. On the night of December 11, 2003 she fell asleep for the last time. She has not died though, not in my eyes, I am not quite sure there is a heaven but if such a place exists she defiantly made it in. More importantly, then her place in heaven, was that her determination and her need to help others lives on. I am not 44 and i do not have a passion for kids, but I want to devote my life as selflessly as possible in her memory. I know my motives will never be as selfless as hers, but i will try. She is the reason I am here, the day she enrolled in College I knew I wanted nothing more. The day she died I promised her and myself I would. The day I enrolled I knew she was proud. She wanted nothing more, after all, then for her children to live happy lives. RIP mom

The ice breaker

So I told myself I would never blog. I put it off for so long because I felt as though blogging is just virtual whining to complete strangers. A way to vent and ramble to no one in particular. It could be more. I hope it will be a way to help me understand myself. Not just to whine, but to philosophize without a degree. This is my attempt to share my deepest thoughts with the world. Or pass of shallow thoughts off as deep ones to the one person that somehow got here during a freak Google accident. I don't have a purpose for this blog, i am not ending world hunger, or blogging for a cause. I probably wont even update this after the first month. I was rambling pointlessly just as I said i would. Anyway I am in college and this is my blog. Heres to enforcing the cliche