well this is just misleading

Good news: I got 102 on my chemistry exam
Bad news: It was out of 200, hopefully my lab grade can get me a D

chickpea

That is really all there is to it, having a soul.

Everyone's mom is coming to get them from college and embarrassing them. I want that. Fuck, I just want my mom to come up and be shocked at my friends and tell them stories about me and just embarrass the shit out of me. I just want that. Sometimes this fucking sucks, I feel terrible.

Home

Unfortunately, I feel like I am leaving mine.

Destiny does not exsist

I do not know how I did this, somehow I always manage to make everything work out. Everything always works out to a point. I am sure I have something to do with it. This is a good feeling, controlling my life, in a good way. It is good to know I can actually handle this no matter how deep it gets. I mean there is a path, but I apparently do not need to follow it, it is a good feeling.

While were on the subject, could we change the subject now

It is just happening regardless of my participation. The world will continue to be, no matter what happens to me. Nothing hinges on my existence. I am nothing and nobody depends on me. I think I would like it to be this way for the rest of my life, but at the same time I want to use my existence to improve the existence of others. This conundrum requires deeper thought.

melodramatic farewell

Today should have been an amazing day.
Watched someone get a tattoo
Went to the break-wall
eventful bike ride
Went to frosty treats in Harvey with the top down
Basement Show, with legit musicians
Vango's Pizza
Hung out with people
It should have been, but for the entire day I felt off. It is like I was not even there. I am just in a really shitty mood, when I should be in a really good mood. I have a theory as to why. I think It may be because the whole day instead of focusing in the now as I usually do, I was to busy trying to make it a fun day. I wanted it to be a fun day because it will be my last Friday in Marquette, and the entire week is going to filled with lasts. At least lasts until next year and I feel like I just got use to living here, and I have to go get use to living somewhere else. At least I did not have time to get bored.

Mom

Thank you, for everything. This is for you, only you.

Perspective

I got two hands on the sunshine,
I got one foot in the grave,
I got 25¢ in my wallet,
and I'm feeling mighty lucky today.

I am in such a good mood. Fuck having a plan, it only makes living difficult. I mean, honestly having a plan gave me so much stress, so many commitments that just caused me to overwhelm myself. As of today I am an undeclared major, going to college for an unknown amount of years, and taking whatever classes sound interesting. I have not been this happy, in a while. It is a good day to be free, or at least pretend like I am free. Whatever happens, happens. It is time to just embrace it and wander around until I find something that works for me. Fuck that four year plan shit, they do not care what I do, they just want my money. Deciding not to decide is probably the best decision I never made.

I've said what I'd said and you know what I mean

Is it possible to write something interesting and inspirational, when I have never done anything truly interesting? Or is it that nothing I do is interesting to me. Maybe someone leading an even blander life than I, will hang on my every word and find themselves growing more envious with each sentence. Or maybe this is all bullshit and I am just a narcissist that feels, like many other narcissists, that I have a gift for words and opinions so intense that they will rock the minds of the common sheep we call society. Or maybe those common sheep are that person. Maybe we are all self righteous narcissists looking for a chance to be heard, acknowledged. Maybe that is not a bad thing. This is not about wanting to write, this is about wanting to be read, wanting some form of self expression. This is not even about me it is about society, I am not a person, I am merely a representative of society, of a viewpoint that I know is shared by more than just myself. So maybe I am just doing this because I want to, but I would like to believe I and every person like me, has a duty to express themselves and be heard.

Out of gas, out of road, out of car

I guess maybe it is time for me to start over, or at least start back at where I knew what was going on. I have just gotten ahead of myself, maybe I was over eager. There were to many things to do at once, I did them all and I just got, you know, excited. I forgot to do the other stuff and it caught up to me. This is true when speaking of the last few weeks and the last few years of my life. I just hit a full sprint and never looked down to see if I was still on the road. I have missed some important things, some important moments, but right now it looks as though I can go back pick it up and slow down, spend a bit more time on some of the things I over looked. Maybe experience those emotions that are making me miserable, in relation to the events that caused them. Maybe I can get some closure and maybe I can figure out where I am suppose to go from here.

We didn't need the water, but we just built that good god dam

"There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says 'Morning, boys. How's the water?' And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes 'What the hell is water?'" - david foster wallace

We ignore the obvious everyday. We can see the details, the minute insignificant details of our everyday life, but we refuse to see the big picture. I remember where I parked and I remember what I have to do and I remember the lyrics to songs, but I always seem to overlook what we are all swimming in. The most obvious unavoidable things always seem to be the hardest thing not only to talk about, but to think about. Ive always ignored them shrugged it off I never questioned the water, I never even realized it was there. This weekend however someone asked me about the water and I just then realized it existed. The water is real the water is relevant and I need to question the waters presence I need to question its power over me and how confined I really am to it. Maybe I am not a fish at all, this whole time I thought I was, and come to find out i am an amphibian and this water means nothing to me, or not as much as it would being a fish. You see I would never be able to figure such things out if I never realized and considered the waters existence and purpose

If you go straight long enough you'll end up where you were

I am pretty non confrontational person and its actually one of my better qualities. I refuse to start problems and drama, this is a good thing. Unfortunately sometimes it makes it hard for me to stand up for myself, but that is not what this about. I have like a lot of problems, I guess. I mean I am starting to realize this shit I have been ignoring are actually pretty big problems I should maybe face. I need to develop some sort of coping mechanism. I am not trying to sound whiny or anything but I haven been through a lot in my life and a lot recently, and I have always just kind of, "walked it off." I think I have problems showing emotions, I mean I have feelings its not that I keep things bottle up. Its less of emotions and more of I am afraid of becoming attached to people. Its like I can not cope with losing people, whether its just because we have grown apart or because someone has died I just can not view people as replaceable. I think a lot of my other problems stem from this one, sleeping problems, fear of commitment, and not being able to say no. I just can not handle losing people, and I am afraid of getting new friends because I know I will eventually lose them too.

Two weeks and its over

Despite Jose and Mikes best efforts I find myself sitting bright eyed and bushy tailed in my biology lecture. This would be a good thing if I were taking notes instead of blogging or studying for my chem exam that is at two. I guess I should not be putting myself down, at least I made it to class. It was a good night though, super chill. On the beach right after a storm with a nice wind and clear beautiful starry starry skies, the faint hint of the northern lights, and the smoldering pages of chem lab manuals on the fire. I love these people. I love chill nights at the beach, and I love the fact that it will soon be summer. That is all, I am going to get my note taking on.

Brilliant.

I am not drinking tonight.
We have Jose and Mikes. Bonfire?
Lets do this shit.

There goes the weekend.

This blogging is getting excessive

No one is available to talk to right now. Here I go. 1) I hate lists; to much structure, over demanding, and the imply some sort of urgency, but really they are mindless babbling. 2) Do not call me weird, I am not overly energetic, I love being outside, holy fucking shit. I love walking through waist deep water running up a sandy hill just to jump around on cliffs. So its not manic depression, I am happy when I am outside, and I am sad when I am inside. I am energetic when I am outside, I am bored and tired when I am inside. Those are not mood swings, just preferences. 3) I have not dreamed since Friday night, lately its like I close my eyes and open them, no time passes, and that is fucking weird, also I wake up at seven o' clock every morning, and I just brush my teeth and go back to bed. None of that has any significance, but I do not have anyone to talk to right now. 4) I have to study for bio, What the hell is that about. 5) I can not wait to drop all this fucking pointless nonsense and do something that matters, go hiking. 6) I think that I am subconsciously trying to sabotage myself for like the 7000th time, I am seriously debating going to English tomorrow, and hey if I am not going to English I might as well not go to NAS. I have not taken a single word of notes in Biology and I spent the last chem lecture trying to skip rocks to the island at picnic rocks. Side note, I accomplished that task. 7) I am so fucking materialistic right now. I keep "needing" shit I do not need, hiking gear. I mean honestly the whole sport is a fucking contradiction, camping its all a contradiction. Let me spend 1000 bucks on this, but these maps, apply for these permits, to drop out of culture for a week. Gear costs so much money, too bad I NEED it 8) I really wish I were sleeping right now, also I hope I can dream tonight. 9) Avatar was an amazing movie, and if i did not become so damn pessimistic and cynical, it might have inspired me. I mean it gets pretty deep. Maybe it will inspire me someday, not the movie, the ideas. 10) I wish I could just be happy, I do not even know if that is possible anymore, to just be happy. Anyone know? 11)I am sad, but I do not know why, I had a good day. I think its just because it is night and I am alone, and I am reminiscing about my day, while thinking of how obnoxious tomorrow is going to be. 12)I thought I was close to figuring out a life purpose/higher being, that is what all those trust me blogs were about, but it obviously did not work out, so I think I am going to just give up. 13) I still can not say no, and worse I can not stop offering before I am asked. 14) I tried to capitalize 14. You cant do that. 14 becomes !$ and that is pure nonsense. 15) This was actually 14, I can not tell if I want to be a writer, or if I am just narcissistic, and for that matter if I even have the ability to be a writer. I mean, I say I mean a lot and my mind wanders. I mean honestly, who reads this shit. I am done. Fuck that was long.

Everything that kept me together is falling apart.

Wow have I fucked myself over. The only shit that matters to me is the shit that does not matter, go figure. So while I have been so concerned with these things I hold important; nature, family, life experience, being there for people, everything else which is apparently infinitely more important; school, work, fiances, has been slowly burying me. So now I have to put everything important to me on hold and deal with this remedial shit, that will ultimately decide my entire future. Luckily I drank so much last weekend that I can just shut myself in my room this weekend and catch the fuck up. Of course I will take at least one break and go climb hogsback or on an epic bike ride, but there will be no going out, no parties, no bonfires, and no trip to Wisconsin. This weekend is crunch time. I pretty much flunked out of my major, so I hope I can salvage my grade this weekend, or I will have to go with my bluff and change majors. This weekend is for studying, filling out forms, packing, and paper writing. I hope putting this in a blog will actually make me do it... time will tell.

This too shall pass.

All of it. It is all going to end. Everything. Everything is temporary even the things that are permanent. All that shit that was forever its fleeting.

Thank you for your bluntness sir.

That whole, go hiking for a year and write a book idea, is less of a silly dream/joke, and more of a career goal. I am contemplating switching my major to outdoor rec, with a minor in English or journalism or perhaps the other way around, but I am scared. Really scared. I feel like I was set on being a biology major for the longest time. Now I am thinking it was not because I loved biology but because I loved the outdoors. I mean I do love biology, that has not changed, but I realize for me to have a stratifying career it needs to be outdoors and apparently such a thing is a long shot with a bachelor in biology. I just wish someone who knew what they were talking about and was unbiased could give me some advice. I honestly have no idea what I am doing right now. I think i used to view the outdoors as a hobby and biology as a career, but being around so much nature, has flipped my view, I now view biology as a hobby and the outdoors as a lifestyle. Honestly I do not know why I typed this blog, maybe i am trying to justify this or make it make sense, but I honestly probably will not be able to change my major. I mean honestly all i do is contradict myself I am no writer. I am a scientist at heart, a very very confused scientist, with very very crushed dreams and no sense of direction.

You should not have trusted me.

It seems like I was wrong. I threw off some kind of balance. Maybe I should not want to be happy. I am starting to think that is not what life is about. I mean maybe I am suppose to be miserable that way I do not throw off the balance, that way others can be happy. I know this sounds crazy but, I have had one of the best weekends of my life, and everyone else had the shittiest. I can not be happy without feeling guilty. I need some direction, maybe. I need something. It has to be wrong, to feel guilty when I am happy. Maybe it is just a perspective problem, but I always thought that perspective was my best quality. I wish I knew what to do, but I guess with things like this there is nothing that can be done. I would say I should do whatever makes me happy, but that always ends up making me depressed.

Trust Me

It may not look like much right now, but I know what I am doing. So maybe I do not "know" what I am doing, but I have a general idea, a feeling. I have a feeling that this minuscule thing will grow into what I have been looking for all along. . So maybe this is not what I said, but I think that maybe this is what I want.

Four loco. A review

I may be a little drunk right now, and I apologize. Lets see after two cans of four loco I was already fucked up, two cans equals about ten beers, apparently. Then I had to take two shots of tamarindo. We were celebrating Dim being hired as editor of the north wind and his interview with Ted Nugent or The Nuge. I passed out at three completely un-sick. I slept until 6:30 and I think that is when the alcohols ability to make me sleep stopped. The whole time I was asleep I was having a terrible dream about a car accident. I would attribute the nightmare to the fucking fact that four loco is an energy drink as well as a twelve percent malt beverage that comes in monster size cans and delicious flavors. Now it is nearing seven o'clock and I believe the reason I am not able to sleep, are the damn chemicals/caffeine in the energy drink. I mean I do not consume caffeine on the regular, and I just had two heaping doses of caffeine, taurine, guarine, and ginseng. I do not think my body appreciates those chemicals, and it is refusing to let me sleep. My opinion four loco is nice, but It will not be a drink of choice for me, because of all the chemicals. I know I sound like a hypocrite denouncing the chemicals in energy drinks while embracing the ones in alcohol, but I really dislike caffeine. I just hope I can crash soon.

Trust Me

This is going to work out, somehow. This is going to work. It has to.

spring fever

I kind of set myself up for a bad day today. I ended up having to run all over campus in the freak blizzard to find and pay for an official transcript, because I put things off. Than I had to figure out how to fax it because I needed it in by the end of the day. I had to run to Hedgecock in between classes to turn in a deskie application. Then while doing my homework for Native American Studies I missed my chem lecture which involved a five point quiz. I forgot my goggles and had to run back to the dorms five minutes before lab. During my lab I wrote one number wrong and fucked up every single calculation because of it. It is one twenty three in the morning. I had five essay questions due at midnight, I forgot about those. I have an interview for welcoming crew at eleven forty five tomorrow,and have no idea what to say. I have a biology exam at one I am not sure on what chapter. I am tired as fuck and have a million things to get done, but i would rather sit here and watch movie. I need a serious reality check or something.

Trust me

I would rather crash and burn in a beautiful adventurous way, then continue living a life of security and contentedness. If I ever say, "better safe then sorry" I would like to be shot.

I was happier then with no mind-set.

I have been filling out so many forms lately. I have forgotten how to write without those tiny boxes for each letter. Is it really necessary to have a standard form for everything. Is there a form to fill out to claim humanity and individuality? I want to fill that out, because I do not fit into little letter specific boxes. I mean most people want individuality but on a large scale it is impossible. There is no way the human mind can conceive 400 billion individuals, the mind needs grouping. There needs to be some sort of standard form or it would all be chaos. we could not call ourselves humans that would be stereotyping. We could not call guys guys or girls girls because that to would be robbing of individuality. What I am trying to say is that while the movement for individuality is amazing it is strictly a small scale thing and even then it is in vain. We need to stop worrying about being an individual and start figuring out self-identity, regardless of its perspective to other individuals. In the end it always you and them and you are always different and they are always the same. Because you or I we can not comprehend them as, "I"s. It is impossible to think of each person as having constant thoughts and beliefs other than the ones we have. It is trippy if you think about it. I mean really think about it. Just try to flip your perspective to become a them and live in a them looking at a you and flipping that you into a them and that them into a you. If we would all stop and do this on occasion before taking out all our anger on an insignificant stranger things would be less hostile all the time. This went in a weird direction.

Hopelessly Distracted

There are three class weeks left in this semester. I have to stick it out for three weeks of class and 4 days of exams. This should be good, but I am starting to panic. Apparently I have final papers to write for English and NAS. I have a research paper for biology and that grade is not to department standards yet. My chem grade is shit. I have two As and a C in my other classes. This is not good. I keep trying to get motivated but, someone is always distracting me. There is always a movie to watch, a party to go to, a fifth to split, a hike to take, a fire to have, an intramural to play, a music festival to cut work and go to, or a beach to go to. How am I suppose to go to school in such a beautiful place with such amazing people. I already have Thursday to Sunday booked solid, but I can not even read the stories for English before I am sitting in class. I can not seem to take notes in biology and the notes I take in chemistry are never seen outside of lecture. Maybe I need to get my priorities in order or maybe I need to realize that college is just not going to be a priority in my life and switch my major. I just want to be outside. Its suppose to rain for the next few days maybe I can squeeze in some studying.

It just does not add up

Fourteen plus seven equals twenty one. I feel like seven and fourteen should be able to make their own choices and not be forced into being twenty one. Maybe twenty one needs a new perspective. Maybe fourteen and seven are not compatible. Maybe they do not want to spend any time with each other at all. For that matter, maybe seven wants to equal eight and maybe fourteen wants to be ten. Twenty one is probably sick as shit of people telling her what she is and what makes her who she is. Maybe twenty one wants to equal twenty one, not a combination of other numbers. This is obviously a metaphor or something.

Our Father, who art in heaven

Go to hell.

Ive said this before

I wish I could stop entertaining these fantasy's of escape, these dreams of freedom, but they always come back. It sucks, because I know I can not go through with them no matter how intensely I plan them out. I went as far as marking off a trail and figuring out a way to budget money to last me for a year, but the hideous truth is I am scared. It is not that I am scared for my life or anything like that, but I am terrified of disappointing people of being a "failure." I mean I made a commitment to college and quitting would be failing, no matter how amazing it might sound. Its not that I do not like college, I love it, but I can not shake this feeling I totally feel like I am just settling. I have gotten to comfortable, to content with what I am doing. I can not leave it though, I have to follow through I always follow through. I am stuck because I am trained to be stuck. This is what I believe is right for me and no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I am not cut out for college, not cut out for biology, I always find a reason to stay, because I have always "known" I have to. This is the thing I will not drop out of college, I cannot drop out of college because this is where I have been trained to believe I belong and I cannot fight that programming. It may not feel right, but it is. I am starting to think this is not a good thing, but I refuse to let myself try any other option.

If I am lost its only for a little while...

Instinct alone can not tell me which way to go, but I am beginning to stumble upon a general direction.