Why?

Why is just one word. Three tiny letters, but somehow it is the hardest question to answer and our favorite question to ask. As children one day we realize the relationship between cause and effect. We realize that things do not happen completely independently of one another. Now we probably do not understand that we realize this but one day we start asking why and we do not stop. We realize that every because must happen because of something else which in turns happened because of something else. From this moment on we are relentless torturing whatever poor soul may fall into our never ending circle of, "why," "because," "but why." Our once carefree existence begins to shift into a never ending search for purpose. Maybe I am being over dramatic, definitely I am using this as a super vague intro to explain my, "because" to the, "why" I hear from all I interact with lately. Panama? It is probably at the very core, stripped down as small as it can be, guilt. I can barely comprehend how privileged the life I have lived thus far has been. Every single, "obstacle" I have overcome, every hardship, hurdle, tragedy represents nothing more than an inconvenience in comparison with the hardships those living different lives than I endure every single day. I grew up with a roof over my head constantly. I grew up never concerned when or if I would eat again. I was never afraid to drink water. Never fearful of disease. Never burdened with being a parent before I was an adult. I received over 16 years of formal education and only payed for 4 of those years. My life has been easy and if I believed in that sort of thing I would say I was blessed. I was lucky, I won the genetic and geographic lottery. There were people who got more than me, and there were people who got a lot more than me. And instead of living my life in a miserable envy of those people, I have chosen to turn my attention to the people who have gotten nothing. Those people that cant even comprehend a statement like, "I said no whip on my grande latte #firstworldproblems" And I am exaggerating and I do graciously admit to having my own first world problems and being really incredibly selfish, but I am choosing to change my perspective and recognize myself as someone with a lot to give. Why Panama? Because it is time to pay it forward. The best way to, in my opinion, not to waste every opportunity I have been afforded is to pass on as many opportunities as I can to those who may not have been as lucky. There is a ladder, this is a metaphor, the top is symbolically good as usual and the bottom is symbolically not so good. Some people have ambition and determination and they climb that ladder to the top, never looking back, stepping on a few heads and fingers and toes. Some people have ambition and determination and they climb down that ladder and they help those who do not know how to climb, and maybe those people will never get very high, but they will guide so many people to a level on that ladder they have never even dreamt of. Metaphors are often flawed. Success is not on top of the ladder, success is in the mind and a little in the heart and a lot in the spirit if you believe in that. In fact the ladder is like megapixels in a camera after about ten you aren't going to notice a change in picture quality unless you blow every picture up to the size of a small island in the South Pacific. Metaphors can be used to explain metaphors. I am not trying to change the world, I am not trying to save the world. I am just trying to do the best I can with what I have. I am not going to say that I am not materialistic, I am not going to pretend that I have figured out the meaning of life. I believe there is more too life that accumulating wealth and jet setting around the globe and there is not a feeling quite as good as realizing you have helped someone. I am just putting two and two together. Also there is a lot to be said about the passion I have for conservation, but that is ultimately a secondary reason for service. I am more than excited about how much my 27 months in Panama will teach me and my only hope is that I can teach the people I will be serving as much as I am sure to learn from them. Is dreamt really not a word?

Three months

I am unsure if I have ever said this before, but people are beautiful. I am so proud of a majority of the people I have choosen to let into my life. They are going out and doing amazing things. And it is really difficult for me to swallow the jealousy building inside of me. It is really hard for me to stay, while everyone else gets to go. I would be lying if I said I did not check the rideshare board on craigslist and thought all but seriously about replying to some of the offers for one way trips to Tronto, Arizona, or Florida multiple times a week. Who am I kidding, I know I have said this before. There is something about winter that ignites wanderlust inside of me and this, combined with the adventures so many are on, is nearly unbearable. Everything is growing too familiar. I find it nessecary to list the reasons why I am staying to myself daily to be sure that I am doing the right thing. I am doing the right thing after all. The biggest reason is to get my head above water, pay off some debt. And its hard for me to comprehend. Its disgusting how hard it is for me to understand. The second largest reason is to finish my medical screening and finacial paperwork and other paperwork. It is a lot. A whole lot. And the final reason Im staying in flint instead of running for the sun is guilt. My family has not seen too much of me over the past four years and it is quite possibly going to be the last chance some of them have. Two years is a long time, twenty seven months is a bit longer. Being in Flint right now is the responsible decision and it is probably the only viable way for me to prepare for service. It is just so difficult for me to convince myself that the end justifys the means, but in this case I have no doubt that in three months I will be on the biggest adventure of my entire life. The weirdest part is that I feel ashamed to tell my coworkers that I graduated from college and that I have had the oppurtunity that so many of them would do anything to get. It hurts so bad to think that some of them may think I am wasting my education. It is just really difficult convincing myself that I am doing the right thing. I am doing the right thing.

Reset your perspective

Meristem

When I was younger and I wanted to know what something tasted like I picked it up and put it in my mouth. And I chewed it, covered it in my saliva. A real experience. Slobbery and disgusting but completely fufilling and extrememly educational. When I needed to moblize I dragged myself around by my arms, rolled, butt scooted like a sort of half crab half octopus missing a couple of limbs, and then one day I figured out crawling was more efficent. Then with effort, wonder, wrecklessness, and very little regard for my own safety or pride I lifted my squishy little prototype human head and grabbed on to the nearest object and I dragged myself to my feet, and I fell over and over and over again. But one day I got on my feet and took some horrible uncoordinated steps. And sure there were people around encouraging me, but it was something I did on my own. My pathetic little baby mind only barely able to understand emotions and words. I knew nothing, new everything, only recently coming into exsitence, everything was new and everything was beautiful and captavating and of these things, the ones I coveted the most were the ones I was denied access to. People told me, "no" and in my little baby mind I thought the equivelant of. "fuck you, I do what I want." I was constantly looking for more growing tired of the things I already had a handle on. Of course this is all speculation because I remember nothing of this amazing highly sensational time. And while I in no way wish to return to a state of such little knowledge and understanding. I want to be able to experience my world as fully as I did then and realize now that I stil know just as little about my world as I did then. Ever since the day I realized I exsisted, whenever that may have been is a whole different debate, I, we all, had a thirst to learn, to experience, to feel and taste and smell and see and hear. Ever since I realized I was, I started to become and develop to learn and grow physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was not who I am now then. I do believe I know more about my world now, but I also believe that the world I have now to know has grown quicker and larger then my knowledge of that world has, yet for some reason my rate of learning and experiencing and sensation has not grown if anything it has diminished. Its like Ive gotten to know enough things now that the urge to pop objects in my mouth that have unfamilar tastes have been tamed, my urge to touch things that glow to see if theyre hot almost nonexsistant. I have not completely lost the wonder and I do make an effort to not lose it. And it is important to me to continue embracing my wonder and curiosity. I was talking to my dad the other day about California and I mentioned how he should visit and he said, "Why, I have no desire to go there." And it was so hard for me to understand. I never want to be so comfortable with anything to not want to try something new. I never want to be the person who can go into a resturant and order, "the regular." I want to pop disgusting things into my mouth so that I can learn theyre disgusting. Learn the correct way to plant a tree by doing it all of the wrong ways first. Close my eyes and jump head first, feet first, run arms flailing, crawl, and limp through life with a fufillment of truely learning, wholey experiencing. Forgiveness rather than permission. The more I learn, the more I know there is so much more yet to learn, experience. When a tree stops growing it dies. I wont stop growing.

Aspiration

A. Three professional attributes that I believe will be indispensable to me during my service in Panama are patience, flexibility, and enthusiasm. Shifting to living and working in a foreign land is sure to bring drastic changes, from adapting to different customs to not hearing my native language. Dealing with the frustration of these changes and frustration with myself is going to take an immense amount of patience. It will also take patience to interact with the local people and push them to make changes relating to my mission of environmental improvement, conservation, and education. Working hand in hand with patience is a good sense of flexibility; it is indisputable that things will not always go according to plan, and I know the best way to deal with this is to change accordingly and from experience I know I am not one to blow up or shut down when something goes wrong. I try to always view things going wrong as a change in direction rather than a failure. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, is enthusiasm, for nothing is as successful and rewarding than when it is done enthusiastically. I know that I will be enthusiastic in my position, because I am passionate about the environment and using the education I was so fortunate to obtain to protect the earth and help its people. That enthusiasm I possess will help me to be patient and flexible. Ultimately it will allow me to get things done and get them done well, because it is something that I truly care about and am invested in. B. Working effectively with my partners in Panama is essential and I aim to establish an effective team by maintaining open communication and gaining respect by showing respect. Being upfront and deliberate while interacting with my partners will establish open communication. By following through with correspondences and always being timely and prepared, I will gain respect. Making necessary changes to my current appearance will also prove my respect for Panamanian customs and traditions. These combined strategies will help me develop the productive relationship essential to cooperating with my partners in Panama, by allowing me to be aware of and responsive to the needs of my community and partners and allowing them to do the same for me. C. One of the things I am most looking forward to during Peace Corp service is fully experiencing a new culture. I am excited to embrace the Panamanian lifestyle. I know that adapting to a new culture may be challenging, but I think I can accomplish it by staying open minded and positive when experiencing new things, like food, housing, or even just social norms. Remaining aware of my own culture and sharing it to those who wish to know about it is also important. This will help me compare the new culture I am adapting to with my own. I can maintain this awareness by staying in contact with home and by keeping a journal where I can write about the differences in culture I notice. D. I expect pre service training will be intense and in depth and I am looking forward to all the things I will learn to help me during service. I really hope that more details about my exact duties will be revealed during training. I also expect to learn ways in which to effectively communicate with community leaders and the people I directly work with and improve my Spanish skills to achieve good communication. I am very excited to learn all the details of where I will be living and what I will be doing, and I hope to learn things that will aid me in being successful in adapting to the Panamanian culture and way of life. E. I have no doubts that Peace Corps service will be one of the most life changing experiences I will ever be fortunate enough to experience. I am fresh out of college with a degree in Environmental Science and I believe that using this degree in a place like Panama will teach me exactly what I am truly capable of, in terms of finding strategies to promote community environmental conservation effectively. I ultimately hope to apply my lessons and successes in Panama as they are needed in the Unites States, where there is an overwhelming need for conservation but little public awareness of that need. On a personal level, I hope that through my service I will find new ways to interact with people different then myself. I hope to gain perspective on what it means to not only be a citizen of America but a citizen of the world. I hope that my values rooted in conservation and social involvement continue to grow. I know that after my 27 months in Panama I will be a different person, a better person, and a person more driven and passionate about environmental conservation than ever before.

Retail

I work at Kmart a lot almost as much as I complain about working at Kmart. Almost. And I do not really like it as much as I would like to like it and that is okay. I am working at a job I dislike and I am okay with it. It is temporary. I just need to get these bills out of the way. Im doing it and I do not feel bad about doing it. I do not feel like I am betraying my dreams. It is okay. I am okay with it. And honestly as much as I complain about it, I like that I get to be active and run all over the store carrying boxes. Going up and down the sixteen steps to where the layaways are kept over and over again. I like making my costumers smile, the simplest yet somehow most powerful indication of humanity. I do not mind the irrate and horrible costumers who yell and cuss, because getting those few to smile to be happy for just a second make up for it. And I can honestly say that I have learned a lot in the small amount of time that I have worked there so far. And not about the cash register or how to properly bag a purchase or do a price check. No, I have learned more than I ever imagined about how people live. How people who I do not like to think about live. The people who have to put back the one box of mac n' cheese they brought to the register because their bridge card was empty. The people who put diapers on layaway. Who put toys for their kids on layaway and have to cancel them because they lost their jobs. The man without a home who pays for a loaf of bread whenever he can collect enough change from the cars exiting 1-75 to go to the mall. These people that I have pretended do not struggle as much as they do. The woman who tears open a box and hides it in order to sneak out unnoticed with the pregnacy test that was once inside. These people whose lives are so different from mine while exsisting in the exact same environment. These people with their smiles have taught me what I have known all along, what I am forced to learn over and over and over again. My struggle is another persons stability. My life is beautiful and something to smile about. Their lives are beautiful. Life is beautiful and we must always do whatever possible to let one another know, smile, and give, and help one another whenever possible. And I am okay with working at Kmart, because there are a lot of ways to spend my time until Feburary that are a lot worse.

Flow

A river is simply water moving down a slope as a result of gravity. The environment the water travels through may change dramatically, but the water never stops flowing. The headwaters of a river may look like tiny creeks from melting patches of snow along a ridge and the mouth a vast estuary, hardly resembling its start, yet the river is one. Through the mountains the water flows. Through the forests, the plains the water flows. Through the city, neighborhoods, and countryside the water flows. Over cliffs the water falls, cascades, but never does it cease its flow. The water flows under sheets of ice, around rocks, over logs. The water flows tirelessly carving into the earth leaving its mark in the canyons, the oxbow lakes. We can dam the rivers but the water continues it flow, over our walls, eventually building the force to take the wall down entirely and any amount of stagnancy we were able to fake all comes rushing at once, flowing, beating, moving forward relentlessly. You may stand in a river and in thirty seconds standing in that same water is an impossibility, the water will not cease its flow to linger around you ankles. Time is so much a fluid, so much a river. Flowing. Life is defined by time and fluid in the very same way as minutes and rivers. Life is not defined by huge life altering events, for these are very few. Life is so much a fluid, so much a transition. You graduate from High school, vacation in Italy, land an internship, graduate from college, land a job, get a promotion. Those events add to three weeks, being generous. What did you do for the other 205 weeks? Cease to exist? So much much of our life is spent not being able to wait for (insert awesome thing here). I am currently the worst offender of this, refusing to move fluidly through me life, I had my mind made up to live the next 6 months of my life as though they did not matter. I have already said multiple times that I cannot wait until February. In order to correct this mindset, that is ultimately wasting 6 months of my life, I am pledging to embrace the fluidity of life and take full advantage of the free time I have stumbled into. These next 6 months will be just as meaningful to me as any other moment of my life. After all nobody looks at a river and values it for individual liters of water. We look at a river as a river and when I look at my life it will be as one whole constant stream of experience. Each one fading into the next, a moment never fading before a new one comes into existence. My life has no beginnings no endings. No hellos and no goodbyes. Like a river flowing to the sea, the words in a run on sentence, the minutes in a day, fluid. A river is fluid. Time is fluid, life, existence.

Sentimental

Sure I will have a degree in four weeks but I think the most important things I have learned in college were less than directly related to my coursework. This is a list of what my four years as a wildcat have taught me. 1. I may not be as celebrated or as highly regarded as a wolverine or spartan, and I may tell you I attend NMU, and get, "Why New Mexico?" as a response, but there is a certain quiet pride to the green and gold, to not seeing every other person wearing my school's colors. A wildcat is exclusive, a wildcat is proud, and a wildcat is humble. 2. Expect the unexpected. Just because it is 75 degrees and sunny in December does not mean the winter will be mild, in fact if there is still snow on the ground mid April, the most seasoned yooper will hardly bat an eyelid. 3. It is not conducive to one's mental health to visit Walmart on a Sunday. 4. If somebody cares about you, they will let you know. If somebody does not care about you, it is not worth it to trip over yourself trying to gain their approval. Turn to the person who is letting you know. 5. The sound of waves breaking on the beach, the wind shaking the leaves and needles of every branch in every tree, and the local bluegrass folk reggae fusion band are more beautiful then the top 40 artists headlining at major universities. 6. People in this world are amazing, tell them good morning and give them a smile. A positive attitude and kindness can brighten up the grayest of winter days. 7. Never start drinking when it gets dark outside. Yeah sure, in August it gets dark at 10pm, but in December it gets dark at 4pm. 8. The end will never justify your means. Never suffer doing something you are not passionate about, in order to gain something you think you want. Do what you love and never stop. The means are the end. 9. Don't skip a commitment to lay in bed to mope and don't stay up late every night on the internet. Do skip the occasional "important thing," to check out a new hiking trail or get in a round of cliff jumping and stay up late for that Aurora Borealis, meteor shower, or beach bonfire. 10. When that guy in a suit, that woman in glasses, that older relative, or person somehow in charge of you questions your collegiate/career goals. You look them in the eyes and say, "I respect your opinion, but I got this." 11. Craft beer is worth your money. Always 12. Never say no when you mean yes, always say yes when you don't know.

pomp and circumstance

Everybody always seems to bring up graduation in conversation. Graduation, the end of an era, the end result of four years of hard work. Graduation is a new beginning, graduation is an end. It is crazy how hard it is for me to wrap my head around the idea that I will no longer be able to answer, "what do you do?" with, "I'm a student." I have no desire to attend grad school at anytime in the foreseeable future, that makes my final exams my final exams. Will I never sit in a lecture hall again? Will I never again stay up all night working on a homework assignment? Will I cross the Mackinaw bridge for the last time in my life? With the realization that that the ties holding me to this city will all snap in 33 days, is there a spot in my future for Marquette, when there was not a spot for Flint only four years ago? Every conversation I have had ends in the inevitable and expected question, "what's next." A simple question that expects a simple answer, yet somehow, the hardest question I have ever been asked. However, I find the answer I give rehearsed, although genuine. I know how to answer, the reality, my life, my future. I give my articulate accurate true response, and on more than one occasion a reply comes, "wow, moving fast, you're going to miss it." Moving fast? Why do so many graduates take time off immediately following graduation? Free for the first time in their lives and they feel compelled to work minimum wage and delay. I am not rushing, I am just refusing to stall. That degree will not be a crowning achievement for me, college will not be the best years of my life. I will not mope for months after walking across that stage in search of purpose. Yes, I enjoyed myself. Yes, I believe that there will be aspects of the experience that I will think of fondly, but to be honest, those four years were just a couple of hoops I had to jump through. It was the second to last shackle on my ankle, and the only shackle remaining, I feel confident in my ability to drag along with me. I can chip away at my debt slowly, but it is not holding me back, it is not holding me in Marquette. I am confident in my future. I am terrified of my future. But if there is one thing I know about life, it is that the longer a person delays something they want to do, the more reasons they find to not do it. Humans are creatures of logic and risk is risky, sometimes you just have to do it. So if I am rushing, it is because being idle is not a thing that comes to me easily, it is because I didn't come to the edge of a cliff to stare at the water. I am excited, antsy, nervous. I am nostalgic, accomplished, terrified. I feel a sense of pride not only with what I have done, but with what I will do. I am going to do what I have said I would do all along. I am ready. I am not looking back.

Speck

I bought a winter coat in high school. Brown, heavy fabric, faux fur lined, it fit my personality at the time. I remember buying it, it cost me nearly a hundred dollars at The Buckle, which may or may not be BKE now? Anyway the point here is that the woman who checked me out, was chatting about how much she liked the jacket as well, and how high quality it was, basic stuff retail employees are suppose to talk about, and she said at one point, "Yeah, it will probably last you forever, the last jacket you'll ever need to buy." Two weeks into my freshman year of college I bought a 300 dollar North Face. The moral of the story is vague, but ultimately, "the last jacket I would ever need," is sitting in my closet down state gathering a fine layer of dust. This is a round about way of of arriving at the cynical sounding point of this post, nothing is forever. Growing up I remember countless instances of talking about, "when we're older," with multiple different sets of best friends forever. I remember talking about going away to the same universities and trips we would take, "we'll go sky diving," "stand atop Mt. Rainer," "Drive to the coast." I remember promising to always keep in touch, exchanging addresses, and promising that nothing would ever change between us. Things change and I have lost touch with almost all of the people I made those promises to, there are a couple of exceptions, people I haven't lost touch with and I mean beyond the occasional like on Facebook, but these people I can count on one hand. And things are not the way we said they would be. I honestly believe this is the way things generally go, it is the reason high schools host reunions or used to at least, it is to see where everyone has gotten themselves in life. But eventually people stop going off in the world, they stop losing touch, they establish, reconnect, and they buy the "last house they'll ever need." People start to landscape, plant trees, buy pools, renovate, and invest. This is the permanent address I am so often asked for on forms. I can't see it. I don't want it. My friends are one by one falling into careers. I asked someone how long they planned on working at their new job, and they told me, "until I retire." I nearly puked. I have worked seasonally for my entire life and I see no solid reason to quit living my life this way. Temporary employment, temporary housing, temporary coworkers, and temporary friends. I think that is just the life I am suited for. I will just live seasonally until I find a reason to do anything differently. I have no desire to own a home, or a car, or really anything. Nothing is permanent, it is just an illusion of human perception. I could own a home on a plot of land that I also own, but when I die it just goes to somebody else anyway right? Just like my friends, when I leave they just go to somebody else. I might as well just be as fleeting as everything else is, no matter how hard we attempt to believe it is not. Human life is insignificant. The existence of the human species is insignificant in the scope of time. The existence of planet earth is insignificant in the scope of time. And you are worried about edging your lawn? I just do not have the time or energy to invest in staking out a temporary claim of temporary goods on a temporary planet. Id rather just borrow everyone else's stuff and have the best time I can, while it lasts. Your future is getting shorter by the second.

Reason, season, or a lifetime

Happy birthday mom. You would have been 54 on Saturday. I cannot even begin to imagine you as a 54 year old. I guess I want to just thank you for everything you did for me when you were still around. I was eleven, it was nearly 10 years ago the last time I saw you. It doesn't feel like it, but at the same time it almost feels like you were never there. Not in like a bitter way, well maybe a little bitter, but more like I cannot imagine my life with you around. I feel guilty sometimes when I think about how happy I am with the way my life has turned out, knowing it would have probably been different if you were still around. Would I have gone to Summer camp? It was originally just a distraction from your death. If I did not go to camp, would I have gone to Northern? I do not think I would have known it existed. If I did not go to camp and I did not go to Northern I do not think I would have worked at camp. If I did not work at camp or go to Northern I would not have began rowing. If I did not work at camp I would not have been inspired to travel. I would not have gone to Colorado, I would not have gone to California, and I would not be going to Washington. Without the people I have met working at camp, I find it unlikely that I would have found the drive to apply for The Peace Corp. Where would I be in life with you? I remember when the question was the opposite. I have had people tell me that you would be so proud of me. Would you? Or would me being away just make you anxious? Would I even be the person I am if I had you still? Or would I be more attached to Flint, more attached to your embrace? Would I even be anything to be proud of? It makes me feel like shit to think that if you were still around, I would be less happy, because when you left I thought my world was over. I do miss you. I honestly no longer think of you everyday, but when I do think of you it is only the best things and it still hurts when I remember that I will never see you again. I wish I could say everything happens for a reason but it doesn't, your death sucked but maybe it was a push I needed to break free, maybe I would have either way. I will never know and you will never know the me that everybody thinks you would be proud of. If there is some sort of after life out there for you, I hope it involves reincarnation, I hope you are a bird. I got my free spirit from you, so maybe I was always going to be flighty, just like you. I miss you, I love you, I wish we could still know each other, but do not worry about me, I am doing alright.

Proud to be.

Maybe it is just the kind of people that I associate myself with, but it seems like there are a lot of anti-American Americans. I don't think there has ever been an act of ignorance and hypocrisy that has frustrated and upset more. Whenever I hear somebody say, "I cannot wait to get out of this country," I get filled with a rage so intense. It has gotten to the point where I call them out on it no matter how good of friends we are. Yes, there are so many things in our country that I do agree with, so many things. However, I will probably always be a United States citizen and I have a great list of reasons why you should be too. First off, you fucking hit the lottery, congratulations you live in the freest of free countries, just that fact that you can ignorantly tell me how much you hate the US is a testament to how free we are here. Would you like to own property? Go for it! Are you a woman? Sweet! Black? No problem! Gay. Don't worry were getting there! Are you convicted of a crime? innocent until proven guilty. Are you hungry? Food stamps. Are you hurt or injured? You will be put in stable condition regardless of insurance and soon heath care might be free and universal. Do you feel like you have been treated unfairly? Sue. Do you disagree with our government, feel that changes need to made? Form an interest group, petition a congressman, vote, run for Governor, protest. You tell me you hate the united states and you cannot wait to leave? Why would you leave? Why not put the effort in to change what you find wrong with our country? Why would you run from a problem that you can help solve? Fixing things wrong with the US will help fix similar things that are wrong abroad. The United States has and always has been a progressive nation, there are things very wrong with our government, our economy, our energy consumption, and our foreign policy , but leaving will not get you away from it. The United States is too influential. If you want to get away from what is wrong with our country, you are what is wrong with our country. You spoiled delusional American with no motivation to change, using your freedom as an American to have a healthy childhood and a good education, and then running, from a country that gives you that freedom to effortlessly board an airplane. In America we have a wave of progressive thinkers pushing for equal rights for everyone, we have towns existing carbon neutrally, we have towns that have broken from the economy and print and utilize their own money, we have people who bike everywhere, we have scientists working to cure cancer, we have scientists developing green energy, we have grassroots movement for organic agriculture, we have some of the most beautiful natural areas, we have the money and luxury of funding national parks, we have diversity, we have people that believe the same things you do, and we have the freedom to benefit from all of these things. Before you leave our country I just want you to take some time to put things into perspective. Why not move somewhere within the country, why not fight for change where it matters. Yes Sweden is very ecofriendly but global warming will effect them equally if you run there instead of fighting to stop it here. People who hate America are simply perpetuating a stereotype of the wasteful, overweight, uniformed American. I can look past this stereotype, I can look past the way we are portrayed and I am willing to help change our nation, change the world view on our nation. While I cannot say that I am proud of this stereotype, I am in fact proud to be an American and I do realize and appreciate how lucky, how truly privileged I am to have been born here.

One mans trash

Growing up, my dad always said, "Why are you so destructive?" He would also call me "reckless" and I remember him telling me one day the summer of my freshman year of college after I had accidentally removed all the skin from my left ankle and a good chunk from my right leg that he was absolutely certain I would die in some sort of accident before I was thirty. He was kidding, but there was an unmistakable tinge of actual belief in it. I have been told again and again that I need to stop taking to many risks, that I am a liability, that I am destructive. For a little while I felt bad about it, I mean why do I have to take everything apart, tear things to shreds, and repeatedly injure myself on accident? But then my roommate called me destructive as I was burning things with a lighter, she asked me why I always do it. And when I answered I figured I out, I said why not? Don't you ever just want to know what would happen? Don't you ever just want to see for yourself? I had my answer, I'm not destructive and I'm not reckless, I am just curious. I just want to know what happens. I want to push boundaries, in essence I am just a more intelligent 4 year old. Maybe you want to know if the ice can hols your weight, I'll just walk out and check. I am not patient enough to wait for answers and I am to driven to take, I don't knows or, "That's just the way it is," and forget about it. I want to know, I need to know, and I will make sure I know. With that being said, at the root of my destructive behavior is the connotation of the word, "destruction." The behavior others view as destruction is not destruction it is creation and creation is destruction and destruction is creation, they are one in the same, it is all just a matter of perspective. Northern Michigan University just created a new parking lot, but in process they destroyed a green area. It was both, they are the same, to create fire, we destroy trees. To create steel we destroy ore rich rocks. To write, we destroy paper. Destruction is a way to bring something new about, it's about rebirth from chaos, its starting over, its not clinging to the past. Destruction brings an end to stagnation an end to systems acting imperfectly. Destruction is the ultimate creation. Destruction is revolution. We destroyed slavery and created equal rights, destroyed unjust taxation, destroyed unfair dictation, destroyed unfair dictators and it is time we destroy again. A whole lot of things need to be destroyed in order for a whole lot of better things to be created. We need to destroy our ideals of infinite growth, destroy our dependence on fossil fuels, create a fair world, create alternative energy. I want so badly to destroy so many things, because that destruction is the only thing that will save us from our selves, for if we continue to to create without destroying, we are essentially placing new additions on a burning building. So I take those who call me reckless and destructive and thank them for they are essentially praising me on my creativity and drive.

Bring it back

I want to do this. I want to blog again. Can that be a new years resolution? A late one? I didn't have any of those this year so I feel like it would only be fair to get one now. I resolve to resume blogging, to pick up where I left off, to shock the internet with my wisdom and life experiences. I'm joking. Maybe I should also resolve to be less conceited and not drink so much? Can I have a new month resolution? I feel as though short term goals are more realistic and far easier to visualize. I should also resolve to read this chapter on. "Marine Provinces," that I am avoiding by this blog. Is it ever annoying when people post their resolutions on Facebook or, "knocking out 2,000 words of this paper tonight?" I find it pretty annoying, but I understand why it is done. People with public resolutions, people who announce their diets, and people who keep us constantly updated on their need to stay in and do homework, do so because they lack self motivation. They need the world to know their plans so that someone will hold them accountable. It is not because they are confident or proud of their decision it is because they know if there is nobody to judge them, to say, "Hey aren't you on a diet?" they will fall back into their old habits. They will fail. To some extent this is all of us. To a larger extent I would like to believe that it is not me, but when I started my application for The Peace Corp, the first thing I did was let Facebook know I was working on an application. I did this because subconsciously, somewhere I knew that people would say, "Hey how is that application going?" And no matter how much I panicked or got nervous while filling out the application, I would have to finish it. And because they were mentioned, New years resolutions, time is relative and it is sad when people wait around for the new year to accomplish something. But hey, somebody hold me accountable for this oceanography homework, please?

2013

I have a thought, not quite a theory, on human nature. In particular my individual nature or tendencies as a human. I mean I am speaking directly from personal experience and drawing a bit of support from the recent anthropology course I took last semester, but the thought is mostly influenced by the way I feel and things I notice. Anyway, it is my thought that humans are natural vagabonds. I feel like the need for belonging is just a misunderstood need for travel. I feel like in High school I really wanted to fit and maybe its because Ive grown up or maybe its because Ive tasted it, but now I don't really care if I truly, "fit in," because I view everything as temporary. It is the instinct of all animals to move when resources are depleted. It is a survival instinct to move on to find more food. This instinct, this mechanism for society has been lost as a consequence of modern main stream society. We do not move in order to survive, we wait, we wait for more to survive. We trust blindly in a system we do not understand to deliver all we need. Humankind became sedentary directly as a result of a need to care for crops once agriculture was developed, but as the farms moved from being single family sustenance farming to huge corporate commodity farming, people had already become too lazy to move anymore, too established. And now that they were so established they felt a need to fit in, to make friends to plant roots. Humans are now looking for reasons to stay somewhere, so they can cope with being no longer to move freely. It is a tragedy really, or maybe it is really far fetched (more likely), but it makes me feel better to think I'm following a natural instinct that is just buried in so many. I cant stay, four years has made me antsy. I got through it because I spent my summers exploring new places. I got through it by telling myself, "you just have to graduate and then the world is yours." I have never been one to go back on a promise and because I will receive my degree in May. I will be heading to the beautiful Olympic Peninsula in Washington this summer to act as a wilderness trip leader for the girl scouts of Western Washington pending an interview on Thursday. And in September pending medical clearance I will be leaving the country going somewhere (vague, I know) to teach environmental conservation via the Peace Corp. It is my intention and goal to update this blog periodically if not often in relation to this massive journey I am about to embark upon. I guess this sums up where I am at and how I feel right now. I guess what is really cool about it is that I am just getting started while so many I know have fallen for the need to fit, to get careers, to establish. I am just getting started, I am 21 and I am ready to cut ties and start over, over and over again.