Every day I change, my values shift, I become a little bit more. Another summer has come and gone and I find myself stuck in a current, unable to free myself. I lie on my bed in the beginnings of my senior year of college and it is like all of the things that have happened these last 21 years were just hazy dreams. If I take a moment to slow down, I am shocked that I have become who I am, not in a bad way, just shocked that everything that has happened, has. Its been a while since last Ive posted a blog, but that is due mostly to the lack of reliable internet this past summer in the mountains, and with that I find it only right to describe some of my summer in Northern California as an ice breaker for what will hopefully be my transition back into blogging. And so the rant that was my summer can begin where my summer began on the train.
It was my first time on a train and remember feeling incredibly excited and curious as to how we were expected to live on a moving string of little trailers for three days. I was initially impressed with the size of the train and then even more impressed with the conveniences it had with it. Those people with a little more money then me had showers, beds to sleep in, and dined in a restaurant. Even I only holding a 180 dollar coach ticket had a comfortable reclining seat, outlets to charge my phone and computer, running water, a large variety of food, and a gorgeous view of the American west. When the novelty of the train began to wear off it was replaced with an overwhelming feeling of awe due to the natural beauty of the country I was traveling through. Both good and bad, the train was an amazing experience, waiting for buffalo to clear the tracks, traveling through the Colorado Rockies, where no cars go, traveling through the Donner Pass, and just breathtaking views across the entire continent. Yet it filled me with this overwhelming feeling of confinement, to see such things and only being allowed to just see them through a window. It was a strange experience, I could look, but was forbidden to touch, forbidden to even look for more than a second. There was a freedom to stop and travel at my own pace that was hard for me to be denied. And then before I knew it the train ride had ended.
Meeting new people, is always a very awkward and strange experience. Getting off a train and meeting new people 8 states away is an extremely awkward situation. No matter how much you may actually really fit in and have great chemistry with a group of people it is incredibly easy to feel alone and unwelcome before you get to know them. Myself in particular have a very hard time believing that people have time for me and needless to say the first couple days of summer were hard, then after a week it was like I had been there all along. Then becomes the struggle of trying to get to know people that you have met, to progress beyond small talk, to relate. Once you are already, "friends."
What would a blog of California be without a bit on the ocean?
7-18-12
Staring off this cliff. I spot a single man walking down a deserted beach, it is around 8 am. I stare at the man with a puzzled look and wonder if he sees me and returns my confusion. He picks up a large stick and it is clear he does not see me high above him. He begins writing in the sand with the stick now, in huge letters he spells out, "Happy Birthday," all I can think of is how long he walked to wish someone happy birthday.
8-5-12
Sometimes the best feeling in the world is the insignificance I feel when looking out into the ocean. As I watch the waves crash on rocks, the tide come in and dramatically change the terrain of the beach, its hard to feel like anything I do really actually matters. And at some points in my life it would be very deterring to be reminded of my insignificance, but today I am only reminded of the man wishing happy birthday in the sand, only to have the approaching tide destroy it. Why can my mistakes and regrets, not be like his wish to a friend, why not can they be as insignificant as a message written in the sand? Its humbling to watch something so much larger then myself and its comforting to know, the trivial day to day obsessions are not even a drop in the ocean. What I do that matters, changing the life of a kid, helping out a friend, and hopefully protecting our world, will matter. But the trivial things that I have occasionally let get the best of me like a speeding ticket or an overdrawn bank account are nothing more than mistakes written in the sand of an approaching high tide.
The ocean was beautiful, if anything will be impossible to get over, it will be not having the ocean, the coastal fog, the salty air, and the sound of crashing waves.
And finally all good things must come to an end and a summer spent in redwoods and beaches of Northern California is a good thing. Ending was hard and a bit unreal, an experience like no other, that has undoubtedly steered me in a direction slightly different then the one I was heading on before. The people I have met have inspired me to, unbeknownst to them, seriously pursue a study abroad program this coming fall. The experiences I had have inspired me to pursue my career goals no matter how abnormal they are. And above all else it has reminded me why I value personal experience above all else. From jumping out of an airplane, to learning how to surf, to swimming with dolphins, to laying on the roof watching meteors, the experiences I have had this summer, were amazing, and I wouldn't trade them for any amount of financial stability, for any amount of stability in general. I vow to continue living my life by the seat of my pants, paycheck to paycheck and ready for anything.
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