strength

There has been this inkling I have, cant get it off my mind. That saying, "always a bridesmaid, never a bride," well it describes my life perfectly minus the whole marriage connotation. I am always the one going the extra mile for someone else, I am always the person going out of my way to make someone else happier. I am like the best friend with no best friends. Lately I have been the one holding their hair back, lending out 50 bucks, talking out their problems, going out of my way to spend time with them, and just in general putting my life on hold. Its like I am stuck being a friend to a rock. Then to think back throughout my whole entire existence I do not think that I can think of a single person who has ever fully reciprocated the effort. I am not saying I don't have friends, I am not saying I don't have a lot of really good friends. I am not trying to play the victim here. I just simply do not think there has ever been a person who values me as much as I value them. Maybe as a kid, but that doesn't really matter. I think while I have tried to act in the role as a best friend many times, to my knowledge no one has ever said, "this kid right here, I would sell my kidney to get them out of jail." I would do that for a large portion of the people I consider myself close to. I am everyone's favorite person from work, best camp friend, best friend on the crew team, favorite person to drink with, or favorite person in class. My life, my friendships are very situational. Nobody is willing to try and make it work, unless its already there. I admit, I am a hard person to be friends with, constant flight risk, jam packed schedule, accident waiting to happen, who is plenty full of crazy. I just want to know what it would be like for someone to care about me as much as I care about other people. I really just wonder. Prime example: I go ridiculous distances to visit other people, who wont even pretend like they are willing to come up to me. And I know, I am shithead, I leave, but I mean that is who I am always going to be. Maybe I am just too inconvenient. I mean, I really shouldn't care, maybe that is just who I am, best supporting actress, a shoulder to cry on, and a coach to crash for the night on. I just wish you knew, how a hug can make my day.