Be loud, let your colors show

Today my dad said, these exact words, "Good to hear, I am proud of you." Ive been waiting almost nineteen years to hear those words nineteen fucking years and I have to my knowledge never gotten "a good work," or a "I am proud of you" unless it was immediately followed, with a "but next time." Today there was no "but next time." I do not want to sound whiny or shit, but my relationship with my family is what most people call dysfunctional and my relationship with my dad has been the rockiest of all. I was always my moms daughter until she died and then I was lost. I needed to feel an overage of affection again so I devoted the next six years of my life to making my dad proud. I pulled a 3.8 in High school. "You should have gotten a 4.0." I made the varsity soccer team and was captain. "You need to work on coverage, you need to win more games." I went to college. "That is not really a big ten school is it?" I got a job at a camp. "You could find a better paying job, you know?" Picked up a new sport. "You better continue to have a job." It has always felt like my best was never good enough, and it always broke my heart. Since I went away for college things have been getting much better, I think we had our first hug they day I left and said I love you for the first time when I called home. I think he needed to realize that I am a little different in my life views as far as success goes and I needed to realize he was never not proud of me, he just never wanted me to settle with my best. I could always be better. And because of that I will always be better, I will never think, "hey personal best, time to take a break." It will be the opposite, I will always think, "hey a new thing to beat, a new opportunity to go all out." Today though my dad told me he was proud of me and did not except me to do anything more, he was just proud. The reason my dad and I am currently proud of me are as follows. 1. Three applications in for camps all of which are located out west in the mountains. 2. I have the lowest split of any girl on the team, and only 1 guy has me beat. That time is a 2:01.9 for a 6k. 3. I have been getting As on exams and got a B+ on my research paper. 4. I took up skiing and have been sticking with it. 5. I secured a loan and payed my tuition. Basically I have gotten my life together and have been getting shit done. I am so proud of myself and I am proud that my dad is proud. I am in a really good place right now. Really good.