Life goals

Ive been so vauge lately, that I do not even know whats up. It is time to be painfully specific. Painful, because I dislike having a plan it messes up that super chill vibe I got going. It is necessary though because, like I said, I do not even know what is going on and I keep confusing myself. Heres the breakdown.
This is my "plan"
This summer I will be working in California, next summer I hope to have an internship in Alaska.
I am going to graduate from college, most likely Northern. My degree is enviromental science biology emphasis with a potential Outdoor rec minor. I should get this done in four and a half years total, give or take a semester.
After this I will be heading out to find a mannual labor park service job, hopefully pretaining to conservation and management. Something along the lines of firefighting would be fine by me, even better would be a rescuer position.
Depending on my experience with this I will then attend grad school after a year or a few, possibly in colorado potentailly anywhere. The only stipulation being it canot be where I went to college or where I just finished working. Grad school is not a fer sure. Grad school topic of study is up in the air.
After grad school I will get another job NPS most likely depending on what I got to grad school for.
These are my "goals"
Visit Tibet and climb some mountains.
Pacific crest trail.
New zealand/ Australia.
Europe(England for sharky).
Get published.
Attend Burning man.
Swim in the ocean.
Fly on an airplane.
Appalachian trail.
Summit Denali.
Summit many more.
Amazon.
Disapear for a year.
Skydiving.
See the seven wonders.
Africa.
olympics.
Take action.
Run a marathon, marathons.
Trans-Siberian Express.
So much more.

A breif summary

End of the year report: A. L. Chavez
There has been a lot of change this year in my life, big changes, bigger than I am use to dealing with. My entire perspective on life shifted over the summer, it was already sliding in that direction but I finally made the realization that it was right and I can not be happier on how it has been working out. I decided that life was not about anything, it is just about living. Leaving your mark, success, happiness they are all just perks of living of life, they aren't goals, just sweet bonuses. I finally made the decision that experiences are the only thing to care about. This simple switch in perspective has changed my life this year more than I could have ever imagined. As a direct result I have switched my major, began applying for summer jobs out west, joined the crew team, took up running, and have never missed an opportunity to try something new.
I am learning what is important in my life. It is clear to me now that I am nowhere near the person I was in high school, because everyone I knew in high school does not really get me anymore. I know that I am better than I ever was; morally, physically, emotionally, mentally, and intellectual. Losing all those people hurt me at first but I can not move forward if I am anchored to the past. However the relationships I am building right now are incredibly important to me, and I will try to keep them from ending how the last ones did.
I have discovered the source of my unhappiness as the hostility I feel towards my old self and from people, places, things that know me as that. Its not to say I do not like what I was, contrary I feel as though it was a necessary step to arrive at where I am headed. I just feel as though I have finally grown up.
As far as the future is concerned this will be my last extended stay in Flint, Michigan. I will not be back for spring break and I will not come down once school has ended for more than a week, then I will be headed west this summer, and do not plan on coming back to Flint as more than a stop on my way to Marquette, and once I am back there I wont be home again for awhile.
I will no longer try to initiate things with people who shoot me down, I am not going to force people to have me in their lives, but I will give effort to stay in the lives of those who invite me.
I will run a half marathon by this time next year.
I will have a relationship with a guy that I will allow to be validated and I will not freak out as soon as it develops and end it.
I will no longer try and mush all the people I am related to together and try and make them care for each other I will love them all separately while they continue to hate each other.
I will invest in my education, even as I find it more of just stalling, since I do not plan on using it much when I graduate at least not for the first few years. My GPA will be more presentable.
I will continue to buy things that I want when I want them and get tremendous use out of them. I will not waste my money on useless things that I think I want and will never use.
I will continue to live my life based only on the value of experiences. I will shoot for my goals and take as many side trips along the way as I possibly can. Life is not a race, I will take my time, mess up constantly, and go the wrong way as often as possible.

I am sorry?

Why do I not I have any friends here anymore? I do not understand what I did.

Sometimes, Life is shit

How did I go from generally happy to constantly depressed? I think its this lattitude. I cant believe I have had to pretend to be happy.

Marquette

I want to go home.

The shoulders of giants

Define success.

Run

I need somewhere to get a good workout. I hate Flint.

I am not original

Fold your wings, you'll need them more one day.

Christmas

I am just not feeling it this year.

cause

Give me something to fight for.

Success

One day I hope I will be brave enough to throw away my goals and live my dreams.

All the leaves are brown and the sky is grey

Mittens are a bit confining.
This summer,
I am going West.
California?

This is me promising myself. I will be going west whether I have to go alone or not. I will not be living in Michigan this summer. I will be going west.

One foot

I want to make some new footprints.

Dont slow down.

I was just attempting to type a blog about how saying, "live life with no regrets" is ignorant, because a life with no regrets would be perfect and perfection cannot exist, in fact, it cannot even be comprehended by the human mind. Then I realized that a perfect life would not be a life with no regrets, but a life with no mistakes. Not making any mistakes is impossible. It is, however, possible to not regret those mistakes. I guess I never really got this until right now. Live with no regrets does not mean to not make mistakes. By all means make mistakes, make plenty of mistakes, and do not pretend like they are were the right decision either. Make mistakes acknowledge the fact that they are mistakes, but instead of hating yourself for making them, appreciate them. The fact is that at some point in time that mistake is exactly what you wanted, there is no need to regret it. Enjoy it. Take the consequences it brings. Learn from it. Continue living. Continue living, with no regrets and continue making wonderful mistakes.

Home

When I actually want to be there I cant be. Funny, more like depressing.

The most wonderful time of the year.

PORTER, Colleen Rae - Of Flint, age 44, died Thursday, December 11, 2003 at her residence.
Sometimes, seven years isn't even enough time to get over or forget something. It always feels like it happened yesterday. My most vivid memories are also the most tragic. I will never know what could have been, and it kills me. It kills me to think of what certain things would be like with you, but at the same time I know, nothing would be close to the same. I love you and I miss you, and I will always feel like I am missing something, but I am happy right now. Not at this very moment, but in general I think I have worked a bunch of things out. All these problems that were thrust into the light when you were removed from it, are on their way to being solved. You left me with unanswered questions, but when you left me I decided to find the answers, and I am a little bit grateful for that, but to be honest I think I would give everything up, if that seven years could be six, five, or maybe zero. I love the way my life is turning out without you, except it will always be without you, and I will always resent that a little bit. I will always resent my life a little bit, because you are not in it. I love you, everything about you, I could not ask for a better mother. I will never forget you and I will never stop being grateful to you. Please never, if there is some kind of afterlife, rest in peace. Continue to be the free spirit you were and have inspired me to be. I love you.

Dear Liver,

Did I ever tell you that I love you? I love you. Don't quit on me babe, after this weekend you will have a nice long break.
Sincerely, Angie's alcohol soup of a brain

Hot mess

Lets see if I can sum up my life in a fairly legible paragraph instead of pictures, blogs of one sentence, or blogs directed at people who do not and probably will not ever read my blog. I honestly do not even know where or how to start. That sentence actually does a nice job of explaining my life. you know what, fuck paragraphs, they're to hard to make flow and this one is already horribly structured. We are going to do this list style.
I. Exams were brutal, I survived, but I really need to get serious about my education. I am an environmental science major now, I hope that will be motivational or something.
II. I have become addicted to the gym I go everyday or I feel completely weird, it makes me feel anxious going home, because I do not have a gym membership there.
III.I just want a relationship that is slightly less detached then the ones I have been starting and sabotaging.
IV.I am not really sure how I feel about seeing my family, but I really hope we can work some things out, so I leave on a good note.
V. I am not sure who my friends are right now, especially in Flint, I feel like I have lost touch with a lot of people I used to know. I do not really know who I will be hanging out with when I am home.
VI. Money is an issue, but with a lot of paper work, and a lot of verbal abuse from my dad I hope I can work out my finances.
VII. I am not really feeling up for Christmas this year, and I do not know why. I hope that changes, I really do enjoy Christmas.

Please.

Stop blaming other people, it is a hundred percent your fault, you fucked up. Grow up and fix it, I am not judging you for fucking up, we all fuck up. I am judging you for wallowing in self pity and trying to get pity from me. I know things get hard, you just have to push through. I will help you, I will support you, but I can not drag you along and if you make me stand by and watch you fall further I am going to walk away. I can only give you so much, you have to save yourself. Fix this, I know you can.

The future

I really want to fast-forward my life. I am looking forward to break but I know I will be bored within the first week and December is always a rough month for me, to many memories. I would like for it to be next semester already. Next semester is my shot at a semi-fresh start. I could really use a break though. One exam Monday, three on Tuesday, work both days, celebrate on Thursday, Flint on Friday. Finish strong.

In so many ways

Almost there, do not trip at the finish.

Sorry, but I think this is right.

I am sick of hurting each other. We are not seeing each other on a one to one basis anymore. I think I am actually ready for something... real? And we both know that it is not going to happen with us. I will always love you, but not like that.

Nine days

I can do this. Nine days, then I can relax. Attempt to relax. Nine days

ouch

The only people who want to hang out with me while I am home, do not live here. Flint, you are making this way to depressing. I guess I am just bad at keeping friends and relationships with my family.

Flint, Michigan

Make me feel guilty for going to school so far away and working all summer, and then blow me off while I am in town, that's totally cool. I am sure when I am here for Christmas you will plan something at the same time I have something else planned and make me feel guilty. It is convenient that its always my fault. Make an effort at least you do not have to drive 6 hours.

Dreams

I do not want to summit Everest. I want to summit something, anything. More importantly, I want to find someone to do it with me.

Turn around

Oh my last night, great night

Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room?

Its happening again. I was doing so well too.

Why do you do what you do?

Maybe there is just nothing else worth doing

run run run

I wish I was well traveled.
I wish I traveled.
I wish I wasn't always stuck somewhere.
It does not bother me that I am here.
It bothers me that I am not there.
There is nowhere.
It is just not here
When I get there.
I will just want to be somewhere.
Somewhere else.
I want to be somewhere else.
Always.

Last night,

Worst night ever.
Yesterday,
Worst day ever.
They had their good moments.
I am going to forget all the bad parts forever.
Now.

Shut up

Honestly, just because I do not whine about it all the time, does not mean I am not stressed. I am just as stressed if not more stressed then you will ever be in your entire life. I do not have any stability in my life ever, because I never have the chance to make any. I do not whine about it because, unlike the majority of kids at this school, I have perspective. I have seen worse, I have had worse, I know first hand people living with worse. I am living semester to semester, attempting to pay. People are living paycheck to paycheck trying to have enough food. You are living pay check to paycheck for alcohol and Doritos. I feel as though none of these problems are equal. Its all about perspective, it can always get worse but chances are it will get better if you make it better.

Truth

Maybe if we talked less... did more. Maybe?

Trek

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. - Robert Frost

Life, always seems to somehow work out for me. I think it is because I know it will and I do not over stress. I just refuse to let shit get me down. Somehow, someway, all of the mistakes I make, go away, because I stay positive and I fix them. I have said it before, nothing in life is predetermined, nothing in life is chance, nothing is luck, and it is never not your fault. It is always your fault. And it is always your responsibility to fix it. Your life belongs to you, you are not fulfilling your destiny, you are not living for some higher purpose. You are just fucking around and then you die. So when shit goes bad its easy to whine about it, to pray, to bargain, but its a lot more effective and fulfilling to suck it up and fix it. If we are following a path we are missing 90 percent of what is available to experience. I never want to be on the wrong path and I never want to be on the right path, I would rather be trekking through the back country in search of nothing, nothing but a good time. Life is shitty if I make it shitty, but life is good if I want it to be. So for now, life is good, and if it gets bad, well life goes on and it will get good again.

The souls of your shoes...

are all worn down.You have to run as fast as you can just to stay in the same place.

That was fun

Seriously, it is time to bring it back. Bring it back and focus. Ready. Set. Go.

Bikeride

I love that I have been here for over a year now, and I am still finding new things. No matter how many trails I bike, I will never be able to see everything. I just love getting lost and finding new things.

stuck

My life and I, we can not seem to agree. I really do enjoy being at Northern, but I dislike that I can never seem to do anything I want. I always have to go to class or work or write a paper. I can barely squeeze in runs, it seems like my bike has been only used to get me to and from places lately, my backpack and tent have been gathering dust since the first few weeks, I have only gone kayaking twice, I did not make it out to the porkies, and I have yet to visit anyone I said I would. I feel like I am complaining but I have so many great things I want to do but I cannot do any of them because I am broke and trying to "better myself with higher education." I recently changed my major I am not sure what I am going to do with it, but I think it is a good thing that I have stepped away from biology. Well sort of I almost want to switch back we will see what happens after this semester. I just want to not be on a schedule all the time.

Dream

So I had a dream. I turned on the microwave completely empty and then went to go sit on my nonexistent futon, then I just stared at the microwave. I heard a knock on my door and he walked in. Suddenly I panicked for some reason I could not let him know that the microwave was on. I kept glancing at the time, 3:53, as we made small talk and joked around and acted like we do, I am sure the conversation was more obscure but then he punched me in the arm, 2:03, and I pushed him out into the hallway and asked to go for a walk, he said he needed his shoes and went back into my room, 1:37. He proceeded to look for his shoes as I desperately tried to block his view of the microwave and he kept getting distracted as he went through all of my stuff, he played with my keys, 0:54. He then asked what the smell was if I was microwaving anything. I played dumb and he looked at the microwave 0:22. He hit the open button, his shoes were inside. He threw me out the window, I no longer lived on the 3rd floor more like the 30th. When I hit the ground he was standing there in melted shoes and he helped me up. He gave me a hug and we started walking.

Starting the week

I love Halloween, I love my friends, Chip owes me rum, Face paint makes it impossible to deny making out, Designated driver stealing is genius, There is still glitter in my hair, Great weekend.
I am glad I did not go to that party last night, this morning is rough enough
I flunked my evolution exam, which is funny because of how well I comprehend evolution all the way down to phylogenies and genetics, I seriously would say it is one of my better subjects. Unfortunately for me Professor Graves is a terrible person who writes terrible exams. He is basically getting fired next semester but hes on tenure so really he is just being removed from his ability to teach classes. He seriously is more concerned that we memorize every scientist and every species rather than understanding the concepts. It is obnoxious. Not to mention he is a narcissistic elitist closed minded d-bag, who rips apart peoples religions in class, and makes students cry.
No crew anymore, I wish I had a PEIF buddy, well just someone to lift with.
Two exams this week ecology and statistics. Not worried at all.
I must remember to pick up shifts tomorrow, I could really use some money.
Live learn lead has apparently been moved to next weekend which means I will no longer be going to state next weekend. Shitty, next semester?
This weekend is going to be cool if you keep your drunken word... if you remember it

Wierd

I paid my tuition.
I changed my major.
My financial holds are lifted.
I finished one of my papers.
I am not doing horribly in any class.
I made a payment on my credit card.
I have got good plans for this weekend.
I mean all and all I am being productive and getting stuff done.
Why do I not I feel any better?

I just feel off

Every time I go work at my shitty mp job it makes me really sad and I miss the summer. I dislike the hustle and bustle of the real world. I dislike having to think about money. I dislike having to go to classes and having to learn what I am told to. Its happening again I am starting to feel trapped. Today was just a terrible day. I want to run. I do not know what I want. I do not want to leave, I just want everything to be sorted out, so I can be irresponsible again. I want to be an environmental science major and I want to row everyday again, and I want to get shitty when I want to get shitty. I want to run. I want to go camping. I want to climb things. I just want everything to be slightly different but the same. I am done with the classes I am in, I want a change. I just need something slightly different. I want to run. I want to feel productive. I want it to be tomorrow and I want tomorrow night to work out, and I want the weekend to go well, and I want it to be next weekend. I need to chill out. I need to run. I do not have time to run. I missed my chance I only ran 2 miles I could have done more. Dammit.

Shine

Thank you for always believing in me. Thank you for always trusting me. And thank you for finally letting me know.

Changing?

I do not like to stay up late on weekdays?
I am majoring in environmental science?
I want to be in a relationship?
I like to run?

Seriously... what happened to me?
Something great?

sorry

I had to disappoint someone tonight, I am sorry it had to be you this time. Really your plans sound great but I already had something to do, I wish you would have told me in advance. Now I feel like shit. I will make it up to you later, I promise.

Bring it back

I really miss our "shenanigans," and I really miss you, all of you guys. I need a little bit of last year. I feel like all my busyness is coming to an end and I am worried that now that I have time, you wont. I know we can find the time, all of us.

Float on

My life. Crew is coming to an end, our last regatta was yesterday, we have two more weeks of time on the water and then were done until the spring. I have an exam in 44 minutes and another at seven, but I feel pretty good about them. I hate work a lot, but once crew is over I need to pick up a lot more hours. This weekend is going to be amazing, crew party on Thursday, make a difference day on Saturday, lemon run on Sunday, and every other night is open for interpretation. Its my first weekend in Marquette since awhile ago and I can not wait to hang out with all the people I love and have been neglecting. I am not sure that I want to go home for Thanksgiving, but once again feel obligated. Still have not paid my tuition, but I think I might be working it out, maybe. Anyone want to lend me 3,500? I think I am doing pretty well in all of my classes. I have not done anything to stupid or misleading while under the influence in awhile, and I think I healed a relationship. My sister is being sucky, but my dad is actually being really supportive right now, it kind of freaked me out. Overall I am really stressed, but I think I am still rather happy with my life as a whole once I figure out tuition, I think I will be overjoyed again.

I just love everything.

Free time

What am I going to do next week?

I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this,
I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this, I am better than this. I am better than this.
Am I better than this?

Inertia

An object in motion stays in motion. Unless it crashes head first into an immovable object. Then the object is fucked, straight fucked.

Advice

I really wish that you would talk to me. I can help you. I know exactly what you went through, I went through some of it with you. I have this uncontrollable urge to try and save people, and I know that if you let me I could save you. I know something is not right with you, so drop the charade and just let me in. Seriously, you do not have to "be strong" for me, you are lying to yourself, to me. Everyone goes through shit, but you do not have to go through it alone. Whenever you are ready, I am here.

Cheers!

You are pathetic. I am glad whatever we had meant even less to you then it did to me. At least I was drunk.

butterflies

I am so nervous. My first real regatta. I do not even know what to expect. I want to win, but I hope I have fun, but mostly I want to win. Like I said though, I do not really know what to expect as far as competition goes. Five thousand meters. I am nervous. I want to win.

Decide what to be and go be it.

There was a dream
One day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid, with a head full of doubt
So I scream til I die or the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

I am not who I was yesterday, today. Tomorrow I will not be the person I am today. I am constantly changing, I can not be defined. Life is a process and I am like life, a process, constantly moving in , what I hope to be, a forward direction. All I know is I will not slow down, but I will take my time. I am falling in love with the person I am becoming, and I am falling in love with my self for striving to become that person. It is going to be hard, I am sure, but life without hardships is not really that risky, and life without risk is not really living, it is just playing it safe. I am making a conscious decision to no longer wait for myself to be who I want to be, I have been blaming other things, things that are not me. It was always, "I want to, but I just can not." From now on it is I want, I legitimately want to, so I will, no matter what. My life has no more barriers I do what I want to do, and if I can not do it, I do it anyway. Truthfully, I have been my main deterrent up until this point. It is time to get shit done. I know what I want, and I am aware to get it I might have to do stuff I do not want, but I will do it. Life is a process.

Broke

I feel great, mentally and physically!
Unfortunately,
I need to start being more responsible or some shit. I do not have any money anymore, which means I will no longer be purchasing anything I do not need, and I probably wont be buying much of what I need. I just have to figure out a way to get money from people who owe me money, that would help. I get paid on Thursday but that money is going straight to my credit card bill, because I used my credit card to pay my phone bill. There is also that matter of tuition, maybe I will get it reevaluated again. I do not even know, but I need to pay it soon. I wish I could take out a student loan but fuck I am pretty sure that is not going to happen, I honestly just do not know where I am going to get this money. I owe a grand for the promise scholarship, turned short term loan, and I owe 3,600 in tuition. That is 4,600 dollars, just make it 4,850 with what I owe for the phone. Lets see with my cut hours I probably make about 120 every two weeks I should be able to pay this off... never. Awesome. Anyone want to buy a smashed up cavalier or a Gary Fischer?

Live

If the sky were to suddenly open up, there would be no law, there would be no rule. There would only be you and your memories.

Sore

It is so worth it, all this time I have committed to crew. It is worth it when we are all rowing in time, and I close my eyes. I can row by sound. I hear the boat. The slow recovery up the slide, the click of the oar lock as we square our blades, the faint splash as the blades fall into the water, the sound of our drive in the water and on the slides, another click of the oar locks as we pull up our oars and feather, and back to the sound of a slow smooth recovery. Its all at a constant tempo, a perfect rhythm. It is a song, backed up by the sound of water running under our feet as we glide across the water. It is beautiful. Four or eight people working in complete and total unison it is the ultimate team sport. At the same time it is the ultimate individual, mental sport, because as soon as you go as far as you can go, as soon as you have given it all you have, you have to do two more power tens to cross that finish line. And once that finish line is crossed and most athletes would stop, take a break and stretch, we still have to row back to shore, put that boat up over heads and carry to wherever our trailer is. This sport is amazing.

turning point

I changed my blog title just now. It relates a little bit more to my view on life. I do not remember what "Rejection is Change," meant exactly but I am pretty sure it was pretty cynical and pessimistic. Something about how the only way to change something is to fail. I am not sure, I probably thought it was pretty damn clever. While I am still extremely skeptical I feel as though I am a lot less cynical and a lot more optimistic. I have also quit doing the whole, whatever happens, happens song and dance. I feel like I have taken a more active role in managing my life. The new blog title is from a conscious quote. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step," and for simplicity reasons that is my life philosophy. Basically if I am going to do something I am not going to wait around for confirmation or support I am just going to do it, because I never seem to get that anyway. Everything that is or ever will be starts with one step, and I am the only person who can take that step and I really do not need anyone else to take it with me.

Motivation

I have not gone for a run since Friday, I absolutely have to go tomorrow, end of story.
I really want to do my homework, but I never have any, and I am not to sure how to study. I feel as though someone should teach me.
I did all my laundry, it is sitting on my floor now, if I only had the motivation to pick it up.
I am trying my hardest to save money, but I have way to many bills to pay.

Fuck

I am in debt. Hardcore. I could really use a student loan.

Trying to fall asleep

Things I am happy about:
I have to be up at four in the morning for crew
The entire day tomorrow will be spent with the crew team
A very good friend of mine will be here next weekend
Grades so far are good

Things I am not happy about:
Speeding ticket
Work is going to conflict next weekend
Financial aid
Student loan
MONEY

The dashboards melted but we still got the radio.

Optimism is my motivation.

status

Everything is working out smoothly more or less. Except for money of course. I have a job but right now I am hurting. Maybe if everyone who owed me money payed me back, I would have at least two hundred bucks. To bad I will never ask, especially not when they are all a million miles away. I think I am going to have to call my dad and get this worked out. Fuck.
On a good note, I talked to my sister, unfortunately I was wasted and she has not contacted me since.
I guess that good feeling is coming to an end, at least I am not stressed, just exhausted. I am hoping it is only because my Mondays are ridiculous. This should get better.
My first regattas are Saturday and Sunday, I am ecstatic.

Dear Angie Chavez,

I am proud of you. I do not think you fail at everything. I am not willing to write you off or cut you out of my life. I know you have moved on and changed a lot, but I know that I am still important to you and you are still important to me.
Sincerely, Someone I am related to... Anyone?

Really is that to much to ask, I don't even really need that I just need a little reassurance that I still exist. I thought, "family came first" well you know what, I really really am done caring about it. I have plenty of people to replace family. I have done it before and it may not be as good as having family but it is better than having dead family or family that forgot about your existence or just can not be bothered to wonder about it. I mean it is disgusting that I have friends who keep in touch better. Whatever, just another reason to move on.

Labor day "break"

This is an avoidance of copying notes, even more intense than an avoidance of homework.
This is a life update.
Crew has officially consumed my entire life, and I am really happy about it. It has been five days and I have already made some really really good friends.
My campaign for hall secretary is in full swing posters and candy, this is going to happen.
A lot of the people I normally hang out with, were gone this weekend which was actually a really good thing.
I ended up spending a long chunk of Friday night with Dim, Kelsy, and Jeremy and we watched really large waves at little presque and nearly died.
On Saturday I found time to hang out with some of the second floor kids, and learned the best drinking game of my entire life.
Sunday night was spent on the beach with Ronnie, John, Bailey, the most amazing moonless star filled sky, and the northern lights. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.
Every day this weekend during daylight was spent at rowing practice or hanging out with the crew team going store hopping, being classy in spandex in the MP, and cookouts.
I am really excited about the direction of my life right now. I still have a few kinks to work out; tuition, dues, loans, work schedule, all money problems as always.
I have called my sister eight times this weekend, I do not know maybe she hates me for something, because she never answered.
I am scared to call my dad, because it will be about money and he will get mad at me.
But everything else is fucking golden.

Note to self:

stop being so cuddly and touchy when you are drunk, buzzed, and sober. You are starting to lead guys on. Especially work on the drunk one, things are getting kind of crazy.

Edge

There were trees all over the path and the road and all the lights on forth street were out. Anywhere else, with anyone else they would have said it was a sign not to leave. For me, for us it was a calling to go explore something dangerous, but when we arrived at the break wall it just was not enough ignoring the park closed sign that was under a tree we walked out to the cliffs and that made all the difference. It was seriously one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Black rocks in the dark, thirty foot waves, winds at sixty miles per hour. I do not understand why anyone would live somewhere else. I legitimately was held up by the wind as I was listening to the waves. It was perfect, worth the cold and the risk. It was seriously unreal standing up on the 30 foot cliffs and having waves still go over my head. And then the second we left the rocks a huge wave smashed in and replaced us with a tree, I seriously feel, I do not even know, alive? I just feel amazing. I fucking love adrenaline and I love my life and I just love everything right now. I seriously do not care about any of the bad shit that happens to me this, stuff like this, completely cancels it all out.

Deep breaths

Can we please just all let it go? Move on. Chill.

seven fifty five an hour

Having a minimum wage job really justifies the act of attending college, and gives a person way to much time to think. My job is either extremely tedious and repetitive or it is mind numbingly boring. Whether systematically stacking dishes or walking in circles wiping the same tables over and over, my mind is not occupied enough to keep me from drifting off and thinking about the most crazy ridiculous things. This puts me in a bad mood. They are usually depressing things. I have decided I need a new job. Job search has begun, it probably wont be very fruitful. At least not while I have this MP job to fall back on. It really makes me miss the job I worked in the summer.

Home is where?

I am not my family. I am way different then them. I am better, I am a better person than the majority of my family. I have accomplished more then most members of my family. Yet, it still bugs me that they are not beaming with pride over me and that none of them attempt to contact me ever, not even my sister. It makes me feel like I do not matter to them, and even though I distance myself from them I expect them to close the gap and now they are not and I am just drifting farther and farther away. I do not want to lose touch but it seems as though the last few times I attempted to do family things I was shot down. I officially will no longer try to associate with them unless I see some sort of effort on their part.

Bring it on.

One of my hobbies involves digging really large holes and jumping in. All in hopes that the walls will collapse. This one is almost big enough. I think that I honestly enjoy being in over my head. It keeps me busy and on my toes and it definitely keeps things a little more interesting. I actually decided to join crew, keep working, and not only stay active within house and hall gov but to run for secretary and I almost joined women for women, but I decided that would be to big of a conflict. Swim test Thursday. Learn to row weekend starts Saturday. Secretary application is due Wednesday. Camping on Thursday? I work the rest of the week. Oh yeah and somehow I also have to go to class. Lets do this shit.

Yes.

Lets work on saying no again. We made so much progress last year. Or at least saying nah.

Time to slow down a bit, these are the best years of my life.

To do list:
Get my split for a 2k under 2:00, right now it is 2:09.8. I think I am going to start rowing 5ks to get my endurance up.
Continue with the seven AM workouts.
Drop my weekends at work and try yo pick up a Monday shift.
Attempt to study for my classes.
Get a student loan.
Log superior edge hours.
Apply for SLFP.
Try to not have to get gas until I go down state, that means never drive.
Write letters to the people who were promised letters.
Write letters to the people who were promised letters last year.
Save some money.
Stay this happy and content for as long as possible.

rowing?

Apparently I am dirt. Such, such dirt.
I guess I will just keep trying. I really miss being part of a team, having some athletic practice to go to everyday. Rowing has potential to give that back, if I start performing above the level of dirt. Luckily I have pretty crazy determination and I have become a bit obsessed with improving. Its not going so hot hot I shaved 10 seconds off my time for 2000m this morning but its still way to high. Try, try again?

It is going to be a good year?

So many good things:
I have kept the motivation going.
Two for two morning work outs.
I haven't lost touch, yet.
It is beautiful even when it is cloudy.
I met a really happy seeming skeptic
All of my classes seem do able.
Crew seems accomplish able.
Work starts today and that means cash flow.


So many bad things:
I can not save money.
I am apparently in a slightly upper level class.
I forgot a lot of stuff in Flint.
I can not save money.
I need some more money.
People have already begun to expect too much of me.
I am not sure what I am getting myself into.
My hands are pretty much blistered.
Work starts today.

Starting over isnt what life is about.

Dear Marquette Michigan,

I love this city, and everyone in this city. I can tell that it is going to be a good year, from this weekend. With working 8 to 5 everyday I somehow managed to find enough time to do all the shit that should be done during welcome weekend. I can only hope the pattern will continue and I will be able to add all the other shit I have been telling myself I want to do. I guess for now I will continue to just do the spontaneous always down for anything kind of thing until I get some commitments.

906

It is so good to be home. If only I were slightly less busy I could have some time to actually enjoy Marquette. I can not wait for all the freshman to move in so I do not have to do this anymore and I can finally get outside. Get a new bike, jump off some cliffs, climb some mountains and of course straight rage.

mixed emotions

I can not believe its over. I just spent twelve weeks with no personal space, minimal showering, and a bunch of screaming children and it had to be one of the most meaningful experiences I have ever had. I definitely went to work at GSSEM camps very confused about who I was and who I wanted to be and what it means to live, and it is safe to say that I have left confused about who I want to be, but I am pretty sure I am figuring out who I am and I definitely think now I actually know what it means to feel fulfilled. Not to mention, the amazing people I met there, who have inspired me to be more open, trusting and, more sure of myself. I feel like it was a poush in the right direction, I just wish it was not over. Actually having to say goodbyes today and them being for more than the day and a half we call a weekend was impossibly rough. It just sucks having built something so good that worked so well and having to abandon it. I have lost my support system and its not like I have another one waiting for me. I have to rebuild what I was starting to have at northern and try to incorporate what I never had in Flint into it. On the flip side I can not wait to be back in Marquette. The people, the life, the lake, I have missed it so much. I am almost as excited for my classes as I am for being back in Marquette. I just hope to follow through on the promises I made myself. I guess we will see.

Fixing my ray bans with super glue

I re-re submitted my finacial aid today, tuition is due tomorrow so I guess I am going to have to defer payment, hopefully fin aid will cover it. Also I think I am suppose to be paying on a student loan, but I havent been home so I havent gotten any bills, thats gonna suck. I am pretty sure prudence might be sitting at home this semester of college I am not sure that car is beginning to get worse and worse. I do not think a replacement is going to happen anytime soon, but I should be getting a legit bike. As for work I think I will be heading back into the MP for another semester, or at least until I find something better, maybe lifeguarding, or refing, or anything else to be honest. Life is good, I feel good about my classes for the fall, I feel as though the finances are working out, I feel good about my mental state, I feel good about my social state/ the friends I have made and the friends I have dettached myself from, and I feel good about the goal I set out to accomplish. I may not know what to do with my life, but I feel like I am steadily figuring it out.

Shit plus fan equals my life

Time keeps catching up to me. It seems like I barely started working at camp and now I have to get back to the "real world." Let me tell you about that, in the real world the shit has hit the fan. I have no financial aid and i forgot part of my audit paper so that's even more fucked. hahaha. It seems like I have no worries at all except for money.

BAM

Just wanted to let everyone know that I am alive. And all is well, except financial aid that is a disaster. On a good note. Avett was fantastic. I have job apps everywhere. And I am going to Cedar point this weekend. My break is over in three minutes. I will be home next weekend, to pack. and then the following its off to Mqt. Time flies. I have a lot to say but unfortunately no time.

Do what you love and fuck the rest.

I know I have been saying this obnoxiously over and over again, but I am just really excited about it. I am happy, well less confused. I am less mentally conflicted and thus I am less stressed and more happy. What I mean is that I feel more fulfilled, like I am always happy. I mean it is not even actually that. Its not happiness, I mean it is, but its mostly like lack of confusion. I sleep better. Everything is just better. I feel like I know what I am doing, everything is just right. And I am happy about it, but I am starting to realize I do eventually have to face the future. Which sucks because I do not know what I want to do with it, and that means I will be confused and that is going to stress me out, and I will not be to happy about it. But for right now everything is going pretty well, I get paid, I am signed up for classes, my financial aid is finally being processed, and all my relationships are some form of healthy. So for right now I am totally fine with living in the right now. I know the future is important but I will get there when I get there. I may not have it all figured out yet but I am making progress and I am in a good place to continue the progress.

Heat stroke

Its so hot all the time. Constantly. I wish I could just go swimming. Damn you tattoo.

stubborn

People other than me never seem to change. Seriously. Maybe this is conceited but I feel as though I have become a better person, but no one else seems to follow suite. I just wish that every time I came back to Flint a better person I would not have to deal with the same shit I had to deal with my entire life. This is why I like to stay away. Ignorance is bliss if i am far away I can pretend like everyone is nice and honest and that they never did anything remotely upsetting, but when I visit that sweet little fantasy crumbles. Maybe I should try to do something about it, maybe. Just a footnote, this is not about you guys, you are probably the only reason I come back other than feeling obligated.

Translation of the pervious

I had a really good weekend in Marquette, and next year should follow suit. It will be even better if I have some good friends there with me. Also I am happy, because even though I do not have everything figured put I at least know I am putting myself in the best place to figure it out. And I am not saying just physically. I am located correctly but I also think I am in the right state of mind to figure it out. Basically as soon as I do my financial aid I will be in a really good place.

drunk blogging under the influence

If this weekend is any like pre-warning of the school year, then hell fucking yeah. I meant a million people did a million shots walked around in shorts and a tank top, got porch hugs watched fireworks, and was outside. This weekend was so epic and i cant wait til I am once again here for good. Damn Fry and possibly Bri shaver get ready for the best year of your life. Then only thing I love more than working at summer camp is going to school in Marquette Michigan have I mentioned I am happy with my life. I am so happy all the time now. Depression is a joke. Get Loko 'merica! I love this so much. Im gonna go across the street they keep screaming in the window to me. Yeah yeah yeah, Mar-fucking-quette

Success

They force me to take breaks, this is a good job.

Good news

I am alive, and was forced to take a break because apparently not taking them is bad. Bleh I suck at saving money.
I think I am going to Marquette this weekend if i can take Monday off.
I am still doing new things, just keeping track in a journal instead of a blog.
I had a really great birthday despite not celebrating it, i have never got that many birthday wishes in my life.
I spent the first half of my break on an intense bike ride the second part will be spent reading your blogs, creepy.
I am really really really happy with my life right now.
Then only problem, is stating in place for to long.
Did I mention, I am really happy.
I am sorry if you are not.
I decided a bike is more important than a car.
Also I officially quit being vegan!
I still refuse to drink milk eat eggs or gelatin, baller.
Peace

I suck at being vegan... start over? perhaps.

Its a Dream. I was riding my bike in Marquette or along the shore of lake superior on a bike path similar to the one in Marquette and I turned north and started riding my bike down the break wall. I hit a crack and fell off into lake superior and perhaps through lake superior and I landed on the road in a place similar to flint on Hemphill road. I got up and continued riding my bike towards Fenton road. As I rode I bumped into a group of people that I recognized as friends. I asked where they were going and they asked if I would like to go to the planetarium. I said sure and continued riding my bike and talking to them. I found myself looking backwards as I rode my bike so I could continue to talk to them, in my distraction I hit the side of a car and seemed to be knocked out. I was conscious but I did nit know what was going on. Everyone got into the woman's car and she drove us to her house, the whole car trip consisted of a sensation similar to what it feels like to ride a subway and stare at the floor. When we got there I was no longer knocked out and could walk on my own. We walked into her house, with no feeling of uneasiness what so ever. She gives us m&ms and asks us if we have any questions. She then asks us if our grandparents had the same questions. She then asks us if they have the answers. Then she said they they do not. Then the dream ended

Blah

Day Twenty Six: learned the double super eight on a bight
Day Twenty Seven: Went Vegan for a concrete reason
Day Twenty Eight: Became low ropes certified
Day Twenty Nine: Rode Innisfree's zip line
Day Thirty: performed and ETK and became high ropes certified
Day Thirty one: Lost Bather Emergency; dock and deep diving
Day Thirty two: Rode a horse

camp-o-rama

Every long journey is made of small steps
its made of the courage the feeling you get
you know its been waiting been waiting for you
the journeys the only thing you want to do
I am officially, hopelessly, stuck in camp mode my ability to blend into mainstream society has disappeared. I wear the mark of my allegiance to summer camp on my wrists and ankles in the form of friendship bracelets and a watch. I am always filthy and sore. I am loud and super enthusiastic at all times. I am constantly on the verge of song, camp song. Every sentence is now an inside joke and sounds like pure rubbish to anyone outside of the GSSEM Camp staff community. Lets go squeak some techie on the dance floor ay bru.
New things:
Day Twenty Five: filled out a time sheet (finally getting paid friday)
Day Twenty Four: Three minute tag team shower, accomplished none of the goals of a shower
Day Twenty Three: Began working at Innisfree
Day Twenty two: Taught the seven principles of leave no trace
Day Twenty one: Hiked to "the hollow"
Day Twenty: Found my True Color

I am happy. Finally, happy.

chlorine overdose

Holy shit I love my life right now and I cannot wait to end this visit home and get back to living my life, outside. Its weird the nineteen people I trained to become a lifeguard with, and the thirty nine counselors I work with, are now my closest friends and if they did not all go home I would not have either.
Day Fifteen: Began work at CHH
Day Sixteen: pretended to be a tree, and was promptly climbed and chopped down
Day Seventeen: Learned CPR and became certified
Day Eighteen: Swam twenty five laps
Day nineteen: Became a certified life guard

Summer

Well, well, well, I am nervous as fuck but I cannot wait.
Day Fourteen: Bought a toothbrush as opposed to getting free ones from the dentist.

catch up

This rope burn/lack of skin really kills, especially on the shower...
I am really behind on my new things:
Day Thirteen: Breakfasted at Kountry Kubburd; forgot toast
Day twelve: swam into Lake Michigan via the Sable river
Day Eleven: Lovely Picnic at clover beach
Day Ten: Experienced new music courtesy of Salvation Army
Day Nine: Heron lake coast to coast swim

Im looking forward to this life I live

Right now is one of those times in my life where everything is working out, minus the whole father daughter relationship. I am about to start work, Registered for classes I feel good about, FASFA filled out finally, and its sunny outside. Translation: I have three months to goof off while getting paid, and something to look forward to doing afterward.

Day six: pineapple upside down cake (sick by the way).
Day seven: made a commitment to a long book; 100 years of solitude.
Day eight(today): Dove, fell head first rather, into water.

seven days, seven days, keep telling yourself, seven days

I have not been home to do anything but change my clothes and shower in five days, four nights and I only bumped into my dad one time. After a slight conversation he succeed in telling me that I am a failure. So I asked what I failed to do. He told me not to be smart with him. I asked him to stop being stupid with me and scrambled to make that sound less insulting, it did not work. I was told to get out of his sight, so I did, but I really do not feel like moving out a week before leaving because I need to do laundry, pack, and I want a place to stay on the weekends if I feel like visiting Flint. Also I am a fan of free health insurance and not paying any of my medical bills. Shity. I have to go apologize now, run some bullshit about not feeling like myself, tell him I will try harder, and basically pretend that I am not a "failure" (not that I think I am, my idea of success is just way different). Then I just have to ride out the week practicing super avoidance skills, and I will be home free. Or rather away-from-home free. Parting is such sweet sorrow, minus the sorrow.

Fuckkkkkkkkkk

Fuck! were fucked.

You're just somebody that I used to know

Yeah it is not the same anymore, I can not even stand to be around you. Everything you do gets on my nerves. I do not even know how we used to be friends. I have changed and I am sorry to say you have not. Luckily for me you make it really easy to avoid you. Peace out and best wishes with the rest of your life. I am sure you can find someone who has more common intrests to be friends with.

Day Four: Mexican Rice from scratch disaster

Day Five: Hung out with old friends disatser, decided to FINALLY let people go

stress

You know that dream where you are driving in your car and all of a sudden it seems way to small for you and you cant steer it or anything, then you find yourself driving through some cornfield and you just feel really really really uncomfortable, no fear just discomfort, a little nausea, that is how my life feels right now. Lets call this stress, more pressure from others than from myself, but nonetheless it is stress. The cool part is that everyone and a half can apparently see I am stressed and they all have these great ways for me to try and solve it. I mean cool I like suggestions, but some of them are just adding to my stress. Meditation is not working because I can not even seem to clear my mind, alcohol is not a good choice for stress but it worked towards the end of the school year, exercise/adventure seem to work best so I am going to stick with that. I will however continue to entertain all the crazy stress relieving techniques I keep getting. I mean why not it is helping me do something new everyday.

Day Three: visited and adventured in Flushing park

Everything

Someday they'll open up your world
Shake you down to the drawing board
Do their best to change you
They still can't erase you
From what I've seen
You're just one more hand me down
Because no one's tried to give you
What you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now
Lay them down on me
I feel like I am always forced to think about you. Everything is a reminder.

Day two: Went tanning.

Day one

Today was day one of doing something new everyday. All i did was get an oil change, which I have never in my life done, but hey you have to start somewhere. I am looking forward to have more exciting new things to do as time progresses. This should help me be more open minded and well rounded.

The kids are losing their minds

I will admit I am a little weird, but I am pretty sure this strangeness is only temporary. I have been searching pretty relentlessly these last five years for myself, and I am pretty sure I am getting close. Perhaps, I am on the verge of a breakthrough. In fact I am positive that by the end of this summer I am going to have things straightened out rather nicely. To be honest I am pretty sure I know what I want but it is going to take a break from my current life and commitments to get it. This summers goal is to build a new foundation of myself and my life philosophy. To be honest right now I feel like a fucking poser, but I am not, I am just finally realizing what I want to be. I am stuck in a transition between the old me and who I am going to be. This is good, really good, I am done whining about being confused, because I am done being confused.

If you swear that there's no truth and who cares, how come you say it like you're right?

I over analyze things because I am sick of everything being oversimplified. It is easy to say something is blue, but no one cares why it is blue or how being blue affects its overall purpose. I mean maybe I am different but I care more about the "why" then the actual fact. Facts are cool, but back stories are way more interesting. I am sick of being expected to accept things at face value, because it is, or because it always has been are ridiculous reasons to believe things. It is not that simple, it is never that simple. I am not simple minded enough to believe everything I read. I am not simple minded to consider facts as anything more than theories. And I am not simple minded enough to ever not want to know more.

wierd posting an actual picture, im getting too sentimental

Fridays in Marquette, the whole gang hanging out, whether it was a bonfire, a trip to the beach, a movie night, a food night, party hopping, or just plain mayhem. We always found something great to do, even if it was just four locos in paper bags on the break-wall, it was fun. Things in Marquette were just easier, there was always something to do and someone to do it with. I miss it, having that close circle of friends with three or four of them always ready to go do anything anywhere anytime. I do not have that in Flint I feel like I have to try way to hard to make anything happen. It is kind of weird I try not to get attached to people or places but I really miss Marquette. It is strange to say, but I feel more at home there. I love Flint, Michigan but I just do not find myself really fitting in here. It is not really the people I have nothing against the people in Flint, it is just more of the atmosphere. I have changed and Flint is the same, it does not fit anymore. I want to see more people walking than in cars, I want people to ask me to go to the cliffs or a mountain, instead of the mall. I miss my second family. I miss the extended, uncut, and uncensored heretofore. Because I may live in Marquette, Halverson, or even Flint but I will always, "GO HOME," with here4to!

Im useless but not for long.

Being at the beach makes me miss the real beach. I just want to climb something. I have never been more antsy. June 1st, August 15th, the future can not come soon enough. I just need a change of pace, Flint is so confining.

salvagable?

This semester did not go as well as planned. My GPA is 2.45, which means I have lost my scholarship. Hopefully I can fix it up next semester, not getting into Orgo is starting to look like a strategic GPA saving move. The good thing about starting shitty is that it is easier to finish strong eh.

more of the same

I was fine when I left the graveyard, I was fine when I was reassuring my sister that I was fine, I was fine when I left my brothers house, I was fine sitting in my room reading, until I looked up from my book and at the dream catcher hanging from my blinds. Then I lost it completely. All the composure I gained after losing it at the grave yard fell apart. I burst into tears and started to look through pictures, I read the poem and thank you letter contained in my senior scrapbook, one thing led to another, and I find myself bawling into a tattered, torn up jean jacket that is too hippie for even my tastes, its soul purpose is to hang in my closet until I need it to hug and cry into. It smells strongly of dust and very vaguely of camel cigarettes with subtle hints of jasmine, petiole, and lavender, but to me it is the closet thing I have to hugging her. Right now I am wearing the jacket, burning lavender, jasmine, and petiole and listening to matchbox twenty, but I think I am fine again. I am crying, but I am definitely handling this better than last year. I can have closure and still grieve, right?

Happy Mother's Day

It is always good talking to you. I miss you like hell.

this type of thing

So imagine you are at a party, a get together, some kind of gathering with loads of people, You know most of them or at least know of them. You feel pretty comfortable there. It is true there are one or two people there you have never before met. Those people seem to stay off to the side, they are quiet, you pay no attention to them. Anyway the night continues and the party starts to dwindle away the people in the corner remain in the corner. They have not seemed to move all night, you do not let it bother you, continue to ignore them, have a good time. Eventually you leave, and those people in the corner of the party, who did not move, they never cross your mind again. Well one of those people in the corner, or all of them, it does not really matter, lets just say they really did not move. Lets just say they were made out of cardboard the whole time, and they just stood there lifelessly observing the party, with no ability to intermix. Well that is how i feel, I feel like a cardboard cutout in the corner of a party. I am just watching everything, but I have nothing to do with anything, even if I participate, I just feel like I am filling space. It dosent matter why, I am, I just am, and thats all there is to it.

duality

All day today I have been getting really strange vibes. I feel like something is going to go wrong. I was really edgy and nervous while I was driving home. Then when I got home felt super uneasy and off. Also my incense did not light on the first try and that is a bad sign. I hope it is just the gloomy day messing with my head. I still feel really wierd though. I swear something is out of balance.

Inspiration

I feel as though I have nothing to write about anymore. I am totally out of ideas. It is not like nothing is happening in my life right now, but everything that is happening is not really important. The present is just a transition period. I feel like I am just waiting for the next step in my life. I mean I am sure important things have happened and will happen this month, but I am just shrugging them off. Its like a hazy month.

nothing

story of my life

Well shit

I was wrong again. Time to get my act together again. Mistakes are fun.

depressed or something

Everyone is being fucking weird.
This does not feel right.
I have missed too much.
I do not think I belong.
I want to start over

This place sucks

I am glad I only have to be here for a month.

well this is just misleading

Good news: I got 102 on my chemistry exam
Bad news: It was out of 200, hopefully my lab grade can get me a D

chickpea

That is really all there is to it, having a soul.

Everyone's mom is coming to get them from college and embarrassing them. I want that. Fuck, I just want my mom to come up and be shocked at my friends and tell them stories about me and just embarrass the shit out of me. I just want that. Sometimes this fucking sucks, I feel terrible.

Home

Unfortunately, I feel like I am leaving mine.

Destiny does not exsist

I do not know how I did this, somehow I always manage to make everything work out. Everything always works out to a point. I am sure I have something to do with it. This is a good feeling, controlling my life, in a good way. It is good to know I can actually handle this no matter how deep it gets. I mean there is a path, but I apparently do not need to follow it, it is a good feeling.

While were on the subject, could we change the subject now

It is just happening regardless of my participation. The world will continue to be, no matter what happens to me. Nothing hinges on my existence. I am nothing and nobody depends on me. I think I would like it to be this way for the rest of my life, but at the same time I want to use my existence to improve the existence of others. This conundrum requires deeper thought.

melodramatic farewell

Today should have been an amazing day.
Watched someone get a tattoo
Went to the break-wall
eventful bike ride
Went to frosty treats in Harvey with the top down
Basement Show, with legit musicians
Vango's Pizza
Hung out with people
It should have been, but for the entire day I felt off. It is like I was not even there. I am just in a really shitty mood, when I should be in a really good mood. I have a theory as to why. I think It may be because the whole day instead of focusing in the now as I usually do, I was to busy trying to make it a fun day. I wanted it to be a fun day because it will be my last Friday in Marquette, and the entire week is going to filled with lasts. At least lasts until next year and I feel like I just got use to living here, and I have to go get use to living somewhere else. At least I did not have time to get bored.

Mom

Thank you, for everything. This is for you, only you.

Perspective

I got two hands on the sunshine,
I got one foot in the grave,
I got 25¢ in my wallet,
and I'm feeling mighty lucky today.

I am in such a good mood. Fuck having a plan, it only makes living difficult. I mean, honestly having a plan gave me so much stress, so many commitments that just caused me to overwhelm myself. As of today I am an undeclared major, going to college for an unknown amount of years, and taking whatever classes sound interesting. I have not been this happy, in a while. It is a good day to be free, or at least pretend like I am free. Whatever happens, happens. It is time to just embrace it and wander around until I find something that works for me. Fuck that four year plan shit, they do not care what I do, they just want my money. Deciding not to decide is probably the best decision I never made.

I've said what I'd said and you know what I mean

Is it possible to write something interesting and inspirational, when I have never done anything truly interesting? Or is it that nothing I do is interesting to me. Maybe someone leading an even blander life than I, will hang on my every word and find themselves growing more envious with each sentence. Or maybe this is all bullshit and I am just a narcissist that feels, like many other narcissists, that I have a gift for words and opinions so intense that they will rock the minds of the common sheep we call society. Or maybe those common sheep are that person. Maybe we are all self righteous narcissists looking for a chance to be heard, acknowledged. Maybe that is not a bad thing. This is not about wanting to write, this is about wanting to be read, wanting some form of self expression. This is not even about me it is about society, I am not a person, I am merely a representative of society, of a viewpoint that I know is shared by more than just myself. So maybe I am just doing this because I want to, but I would like to believe I and every person like me, has a duty to express themselves and be heard.

Out of gas, out of road, out of car

I guess maybe it is time for me to start over, or at least start back at where I knew what was going on. I have just gotten ahead of myself, maybe I was over eager. There were to many things to do at once, I did them all and I just got, you know, excited. I forgot to do the other stuff and it caught up to me. This is true when speaking of the last few weeks and the last few years of my life. I just hit a full sprint and never looked down to see if I was still on the road. I have missed some important things, some important moments, but right now it looks as though I can go back pick it up and slow down, spend a bit more time on some of the things I over looked. Maybe experience those emotions that are making me miserable, in relation to the events that caused them. Maybe I can get some closure and maybe I can figure out where I am suppose to go from here.

We didn't need the water, but we just built that good god dam

"There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says 'Morning, boys. How's the water?' And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes 'What the hell is water?'" - david foster wallace

We ignore the obvious everyday. We can see the details, the minute insignificant details of our everyday life, but we refuse to see the big picture. I remember where I parked and I remember what I have to do and I remember the lyrics to songs, but I always seem to overlook what we are all swimming in. The most obvious unavoidable things always seem to be the hardest thing not only to talk about, but to think about. Ive always ignored them shrugged it off I never questioned the water, I never even realized it was there. This weekend however someone asked me about the water and I just then realized it existed. The water is real the water is relevant and I need to question the waters presence I need to question its power over me and how confined I really am to it. Maybe I am not a fish at all, this whole time I thought I was, and come to find out i am an amphibian and this water means nothing to me, or not as much as it would being a fish. You see I would never be able to figure such things out if I never realized and considered the waters existence and purpose

If you go straight long enough you'll end up where you were

I am pretty non confrontational person and its actually one of my better qualities. I refuse to start problems and drama, this is a good thing. Unfortunately sometimes it makes it hard for me to stand up for myself, but that is not what this about. I have like a lot of problems, I guess. I mean I am starting to realize this shit I have been ignoring are actually pretty big problems I should maybe face. I need to develop some sort of coping mechanism. I am not trying to sound whiny or anything but I haven been through a lot in my life and a lot recently, and I have always just kind of, "walked it off." I think I have problems showing emotions, I mean I have feelings its not that I keep things bottle up. Its less of emotions and more of I am afraid of becoming attached to people. Its like I can not cope with losing people, whether its just because we have grown apart or because someone has died I just can not view people as replaceable. I think a lot of my other problems stem from this one, sleeping problems, fear of commitment, and not being able to say no. I just can not handle losing people, and I am afraid of getting new friends because I know I will eventually lose them too.

Two weeks and its over

Despite Jose and Mikes best efforts I find myself sitting bright eyed and bushy tailed in my biology lecture. This would be a good thing if I were taking notes instead of blogging or studying for my chem exam that is at two. I guess I should not be putting myself down, at least I made it to class. It was a good night though, super chill. On the beach right after a storm with a nice wind and clear beautiful starry starry skies, the faint hint of the northern lights, and the smoldering pages of chem lab manuals on the fire. I love these people. I love chill nights at the beach, and I love the fact that it will soon be summer. That is all, I am going to get my note taking on.

Brilliant.

I am not drinking tonight.
We have Jose and Mikes. Bonfire?
Lets do this shit.

There goes the weekend.

This blogging is getting excessive

No one is available to talk to right now. Here I go. 1) I hate lists; to much structure, over demanding, and the imply some sort of urgency, but really they are mindless babbling. 2) Do not call me weird, I am not overly energetic, I love being outside, holy fucking shit. I love walking through waist deep water running up a sandy hill just to jump around on cliffs. So its not manic depression, I am happy when I am outside, and I am sad when I am inside. I am energetic when I am outside, I am bored and tired when I am inside. Those are not mood swings, just preferences. 3) I have not dreamed since Friday night, lately its like I close my eyes and open them, no time passes, and that is fucking weird, also I wake up at seven o' clock every morning, and I just brush my teeth and go back to bed. None of that has any significance, but I do not have anyone to talk to right now. 4) I have to study for bio, What the hell is that about. 5) I can not wait to drop all this fucking pointless nonsense and do something that matters, go hiking. 6) I think that I am subconsciously trying to sabotage myself for like the 7000th time, I am seriously debating going to English tomorrow, and hey if I am not going to English I might as well not go to NAS. I have not taken a single word of notes in Biology and I spent the last chem lecture trying to skip rocks to the island at picnic rocks. Side note, I accomplished that task. 7) I am so fucking materialistic right now. I keep "needing" shit I do not need, hiking gear. I mean honestly the whole sport is a fucking contradiction, camping its all a contradiction. Let me spend 1000 bucks on this, but these maps, apply for these permits, to drop out of culture for a week. Gear costs so much money, too bad I NEED it 8) I really wish I were sleeping right now, also I hope I can dream tonight. 9) Avatar was an amazing movie, and if i did not become so damn pessimistic and cynical, it might have inspired me. I mean it gets pretty deep. Maybe it will inspire me someday, not the movie, the ideas. 10) I wish I could just be happy, I do not even know if that is possible anymore, to just be happy. Anyone know? 11)I am sad, but I do not know why, I had a good day. I think its just because it is night and I am alone, and I am reminiscing about my day, while thinking of how obnoxious tomorrow is going to be. 12)I thought I was close to figuring out a life purpose/higher being, that is what all those trust me blogs were about, but it obviously did not work out, so I think I am going to just give up. 13) I still can not say no, and worse I can not stop offering before I am asked. 14) I tried to capitalize 14. You cant do that. 14 becomes !$ and that is pure nonsense. 15) This was actually 14, I can not tell if I want to be a writer, or if I am just narcissistic, and for that matter if I even have the ability to be a writer. I mean, I say I mean a lot and my mind wanders. I mean honestly, who reads this shit. I am done. Fuck that was long.

Everything that kept me together is falling apart.

Wow have I fucked myself over. The only shit that matters to me is the shit that does not matter, go figure. So while I have been so concerned with these things I hold important; nature, family, life experience, being there for people, everything else which is apparently infinitely more important; school, work, fiances, has been slowly burying me. So now I have to put everything important to me on hold and deal with this remedial shit, that will ultimately decide my entire future. Luckily I drank so much last weekend that I can just shut myself in my room this weekend and catch the fuck up. Of course I will take at least one break and go climb hogsback or on an epic bike ride, but there will be no going out, no parties, no bonfires, and no trip to Wisconsin. This weekend is crunch time. I pretty much flunked out of my major, so I hope I can salvage my grade this weekend, or I will have to go with my bluff and change majors. This weekend is for studying, filling out forms, packing, and paper writing. I hope putting this in a blog will actually make me do it... time will tell.

This too shall pass.

All of it. It is all going to end. Everything. Everything is temporary even the things that are permanent. All that shit that was forever its fleeting.

Thank you for your bluntness sir.

That whole, go hiking for a year and write a book idea, is less of a silly dream/joke, and more of a career goal. I am contemplating switching my major to outdoor rec, with a minor in English or journalism or perhaps the other way around, but I am scared. Really scared. I feel like I was set on being a biology major for the longest time. Now I am thinking it was not because I loved biology but because I loved the outdoors. I mean I do love biology, that has not changed, but I realize for me to have a stratifying career it needs to be outdoors and apparently such a thing is a long shot with a bachelor in biology. I just wish someone who knew what they were talking about and was unbiased could give me some advice. I honestly have no idea what I am doing right now. I think i used to view the outdoors as a hobby and biology as a career, but being around so much nature, has flipped my view, I now view biology as a hobby and the outdoors as a lifestyle. Honestly I do not know why I typed this blog, maybe i am trying to justify this or make it make sense, but I honestly probably will not be able to change my major. I mean honestly all i do is contradict myself I am no writer. I am a scientist at heart, a very very confused scientist, with very very crushed dreams and no sense of direction.

You should not have trusted me.

It seems like I was wrong. I threw off some kind of balance. Maybe I should not want to be happy. I am starting to think that is not what life is about. I mean maybe I am suppose to be miserable that way I do not throw off the balance, that way others can be happy. I know this sounds crazy but, I have had one of the best weekends of my life, and everyone else had the shittiest. I can not be happy without feeling guilty. I need some direction, maybe. I need something. It has to be wrong, to feel guilty when I am happy. Maybe it is just a perspective problem, but I always thought that perspective was my best quality. I wish I knew what to do, but I guess with things like this there is nothing that can be done. I would say I should do whatever makes me happy, but that always ends up making me depressed.

Trust Me

It may not look like much right now, but I know what I am doing. So maybe I do not "know" what I am doing, but I have a general idea, a feeling. I have a feeling that this minuscule thing will grow into what I have been looking for all along. . So maybe this is not what I said, but I think that maybe this is what I want.

Four loco. A review

I may be a little drunk right now, and I apologize. Lets see after two cans of four loco I was already fucked up, two cans equals about ten beers, apparently. Then I had to take two shots of tamarindo. We were celebrating Dim being hired as editor of the north wind and his interview with Ted Nugent or The Nuge. I passed out at three completely un-sick. I slept until 6:30 and I think that is when the alcohols ability to make me sleep stopped. The whole time I was asleep I was having a terrible dream about a car accident. I would attribute the nightmare to the fucking fact that four loco is an energy drink as well as a twelve percent malt beverage that comes in monster size cans and delicious flavors. Now it is nearing seven o'clock and I believe the reason I am not able to sleep, are the damn chemicals/caffeine in the energy drink. I mean I do not consume caffeine on the regular, and I just had two heaping doses of caffeine, taurine, guarine, and ginseng. I do not think my body appreciates those chemicals, and it is refusing to let me sleep. My opinion four loco is nice, but It will not be a drink of choice for me, because of all the chemicals. I know I sound like a hypocrite denouncing the chemicals in energy drinks while embracing the ones in alcohol, but I really dislike caffeine. I just hope I can crash soon.

Trust Me

This is going to work out, somehow. This is going to work. It has to.

spring fever

I kind of set myself up for a bad day today. I ended up having to run all over campus in the freak blizzard to find and pay for an official transcript, because I put things off. Than I had to figure out how to fax it because I needed it in by the end of the day. I had to run to Hedgecock in between classes to turn in a deskie application. Then while doing my homework for Native American Studies I missed my chem lecture which involved a five point quiz. I forgot my goggles and had to run back to the dorms five minutes before lab. During my lab I wrote one number wrong and fucked up every single calculation because of it. It is one twenty three in the morning. I had five essay questions due at midnight, I forgot about those. I have an interview for welcoming crew at eleven forty five tomorrow,and have no idea what to say. I have a biology exam at one I am not sure on what chapter. I am tired as fuck and have a million things to get done, but i would rather sit here and watch movie. I need a serious reality check or something.

Trust me

I would rather crash and burn in a beautiful adventurous way, then continue living a life of security and contentedness. If I ever say, "better safe then sorry" I would like to be shot.

I was happier then with no mind-set.

I have been filling out so many forms lately. I have forgotten how to write without those tiny boxes for each letter. Is it really necessary to have a standard form for everything. Is there a form to fill out to claim humanity and individuality? I want to fill that out, because I do not fit into little letter specific boxes. I mean most people want individuality but on a large scale it is impossible. There is no way the human mind can conceive 400 billion individuals, the mind needs grouping. There needs to be some sort of standard form or it would all be chaos. we could not call ourselves humans that would be stereotyping. We could not call guys guys or girls girls because that to would be robbing of individuality. What I am trying to say is that while the movement for individuality is amazing it is strictly a small scale thing and even then it is in vain. We need to stop worrying about being an individual and start figuring out self-identity, regardless of its perspective to other individuals. In the end it always you and them and you are always different and they are always the same. Because you or I we can not comprehend them as, "I"s. It is impossible to think of each person as having constant thoughts and beliefs other than the ones we have. It is trippy if you think about it. I mean really think about it. Just try to flip your perspective to become a them and live in a them looking at a you and flipping that you into a them and that them into a you. If we would all stop and do this on occasion before taking out all our anger on an insignificant stranger things would be less hostile all the time. This went in a weird direction.

Hopelessly Distracted

There are three class weeks left in this semester. I have to stick it out for three weeks of class and 4 days of exams. This should be good, but I am starting to panic. Apparently I have final papers to write for English and NAS. I have a research paper for biology and that grade is not to department standards yet. My chem grade is shit. I have two As and a C in my other classes. This is not good. I keep trying to get motivated but, someone is always distracting me. There is always a movie to watch, a party to go to, a fifth to split, a hike to take, a fire to have, an intramural to play, a music festival to cut work and go to, or a beach to go to. How am I suppose to go to school in such a beautiful place with such amazing people. I already have Thursday to Sunday booked solid, but I can not even read the stories for English before I am sitting in class. I can not seem to take notes in biology and the notes I take in chemistry are never seen outside of lecture. Maybe I need to get my priorities in order or maybe I need to realize that college is just not going to be a priority in my life and switch my major. I just want to be outside. Its suppose to rain for the next few days maybe I can squeeze in some studying.

It just does not add up

Fourteen plus seven equals twenty one. I feel like seven and fourteen should be able to make their own choices and not be forced into being twenty one. Maybe twenty one needs a new perspective. Maybe fourteen and seven are not compatible. Maybe they do not want to spend any time with each other at all. For that matter, maybe seven wants to equal eight and maybe fourteen wants to be ten. Twenty one is probably sick as shit of people telling her what she is and what makes her who she is. Maybe twenty one wants to equal twenty one, not a combination of other numbers. This is obviously a metaphor or something.