six years ago today

I remeber getting off the bus and seeing my sisters van in the driveway. I was filled with joy, spending the day with her was always a treat. My brother and I ran home full sprint, filled with excitement. We burst into the house and realized something was not right. My sister sat across from my dad, her eyes red and puffy from crying, my dad told us to sit down. I was already crying, but I did not know why. I heard my dad say, "Its your mom, she died last night in her sleep." I stared blankly out the window at the cold snowless ground and then I said, "what," and burst into tears again, before my dad even repeated the words. For the better part of a month after I heard those words, I believed it was a dream, every night I would hope to wake up to in my bed to my mom yelling that I was going to be late for school. At the funeral I was in a haze, hug, tears, story tears, hug, repeat. I never believed she was actully gone untill I saw her ashes catch in the breeze an settle into the indian river, where they would flow to lake michigan. My mom did not belong in a box, she deserved to be free. Everything reminds me of my mom. Nothing about living in Marquette does not remind me of my mom. Everytime I burn inscents, smell petulies, drink diet pepsi, listen to matchbox twenty, hear the world free or bird, see a mom hug her child, see someone get a care package signed love mom, my heart breaks a little bit. It just is not fair at all. Why was she so stupid? How could she overdose when she had five kids who needed her love? Did she not realize how terrible it would be to not have my mom get me ready for prom, watch me graduate, watch me grow up? How selfish it was to OD. I do not care if it was an accident or not. I do not care if she died peacefully. It fucking sucks to not have a mom to tell me she loves me on the phone, put on another coat, and embarass me in front of friends. She was the only person in my family like me. She made me think this way, believe what I believe and than she took off, and left me with thousands of questions and no answers. Everyone I talk-talk to thinks I am fucking crazy and it is all her fault. She left me alone and lost at the age of fourteen. I love her so much and I can not go a day without missing her, but she will never even know who I become, she will never be proud of me, she will never know how much like her I really am. but I will always have to love her and I will always have to miss her, and I will always feel like something is missing as I start to forget her voice and her face fades from my memory. RIP mom 12-11-2003