Happy New Years 2

Upon hauling the fifth and final garbage bag out of my room and towards the garage, the thin plastic gave way and spilled its contents. As an involuntarily reaction I tried to catch and contain its doomed contents, only to have my arm meet a shattered picture frame and what seemed to be the contents of a potted cactus minus the pot. After being stabbed by a sliver of glass and pricked by what once was a catcus, I immediately, abandoned efforts and let everything hit the floor followed by me. I sat there and cussed and cried for a good 45 minutes. When I finally got my breath back, I sat among the wreckage and noticed what I had been throwing away. My CD collection from the days of pre-ipod, A plant dirt and all, for some reason i saved the pot, one moccasin, random papers and things from around my room, and a photo album filled with pictures from my childhood. I immediately resumed crying and cussing, before saving this poor photo album that I mindlessly almost lost forever. After finding a place in my room for it, I began transferring the wreckage in my hallway to a new garbage bag, nothing else was worth saving. I returned to my much emptier room and decided it was time to stop throwing things away. The garbage bag explosion caused some kind of revelation, as I have lost the desire to throw things away. I am not sure what I have learned.

Happy New Years

I feel like vomiting, but I have nothing to vomit. I feel regret, remorse, shame failure. I sit alone in my empty house, I am throwing away nintey percent of what I own. I just can not take this anymore. In 365 days I have accomplished absolutely nothing. My conscious is making me feel empty inside, im not nauseous, I just want to vomit. I have no idea what I am doing or why, but every single thing I pick up goes right into the garbage. I have filled up three bags. I just want to move on, its impossible, I can not just move on, but it is all I want. I just want to forget all the times I fucked up this year. I want to forget the friends I am losing, I want to forget my sub par academic performance, I want to take out a loan and forget the debt I am burying myself in, I want to forget all the times I shattered my independence to ask for money, I want to forget my commitments, I want to forget all the people I fucking let down. I cant because everything I look at reminds me that I have accomplished nothing this year, in fact I have accomplished relatively little in my entire life. So instead of getting a fresh start, which is relatively impossible and borderline illegal, I am simply erasing the bad parts of my life, actually I am just blocking them out of my mind. I am trying to focus on the good but everythime I do, I realize how pointless those good times were, how shallow, how fleeting. My resolution stop depending on other people, it only leads to failure. It is time to finally focus on what I want to do, the friends that meet me halfway, I keep, the ones who continue to push away, fuck them, they are only holding me back. I just want to get drunk and forget all these fucking mistakes.

I love metaphors

Ten o'clock, the roads snow covered and extremely slippery, the snow is clearly covering a sheet of ice, I am heading home from sledding. I am driving on that extremely curvy part of Ballenger, taking my time, ten under the limit, my car loses traction. It has happened before, I know what to do, but I am still terrified. I slide around for a bit and regain control of my car, continue on my way, continue to sing along to whatever is playing in my ipod-less car like it never even happened. I know it is bound to happen again sometime, I hope it does not, but I know it will. I know I must not worry about what just happened or what may happen in the future, I need to focus on the strip of road that I presently drive above. I do not think I can make it anymore obvious. To bad when I lose traction in life, no standard procedure exists.

TTT (title translation time)

"Rejection is Change, but change reject no one." I use to think it made sense. It does, depending on how its read. True that rejection is change in the sense that when someone rejects something they are creating change. Diverging from or rejecting the norm creates change. Also I realize it could be taken as by rejecting, from the norms point a view, we create change. This is a contradiction because if by rejecting people and ideas we create change, there is no way to not reject. It also seems to imply that by rejecting we are forcing things to change. In order to not be rejected, one much change, conformity. That would basically mean conformity is unavoidable, not true, not what I am trying to say. Change rejecting no one is a completely true phrase however, anyone can change. It is true that many people resist change, but this is a decision they make they were not born lacking the ability to change. What I was trying to say by saying rejection is change, is saying when we reject the common belief we create change. I am not saying any belief held as common needs to be rejected, however, because that would become a circle. If the change created by rejecting the norm truly rejects none and becomes the norm, then if we were rejecting all norms, this change we made would be lost. The assumption I am making is that what we are rejecting is bad and we are rejecting it in favor of a change for that is arguably better, at least for the specific person. The title was only suppose to imply that if no one takes a stand, makes a rejection, then nothing will change, but if people begin to reject ideas, beliefs held common that are obviously flawed othe may follow and it would snowball into change.

This turned into a bit of a rant.

I need to understand and comprehend everything, because is not a sufficient answer for me. I always hated math because nothing was ever explained. It was always two plus nine equals eleven because it does, it always has. I can not accept such an answer. Through observation I have come to the conclusion that the majority of the human race shares this need of comprehension. The difference between what I see and what I need is that the majority of people can handle not understanding everything and also they are satisfied with extremely sketchy explanations. I may be overstepping my knowledge here, but the unknown in general seems to terrify people, I know it keeps me up a lot. To avoid this unknown we formulate questions aimed to explain it and then search for the answers, usually through trial and error. Sometimes it takes to long, sometimes the answers are vague, and sometimes no answers can be found. What bothers me most, is surprisingly not the lack of answers, although that bothers the shit out of me, but its the willingness of people to blindly accept the vague answers they are supplied. These vague answers are basically the human race making up elaborate stories that have no truth, no evidence, no fact. Its like putting wallpaper over a hole in the wall it fixes nothing. The world was flat not because it was observed but because it was the simplest explanation. No answer backed by any sort of evidence exists, for why people are alive. Instead the human race bases their faith on a ridiculous story more commonly known as religion. I think I might believe in religion if there were not so many different stories that started in so many different areas. The variations of religions led me to believe they are all made up. People isolated from each other all needed an answer to this question but instead of coming to the same conclusion, which would point to some sort of evidence or truth, they came up with individual stories, that are very different at times. The majority of people consider the religion of the ancient Egyptians or early Native Americans as storytelling, it is naive to believe that Christianity or Judaism is anything more.

Did not check grammer, deal with it

I remember waiting all night, patiently for it to be eleven thirty. Playing cards, eating tamales, making snowmen to pass the time. At eleven thirty, we would be forced out of the house, to go look at Christmas lights. Like clockwork we returned, a minute passed midnight. Promised every year we would not miss him, but every year he had just left. The traps we spent the entire afternoon on were sprung but alluded, the cookies gone, only the cookie we spiked with sleeping pills remained. The stockings were stuffed and beneath the tree presents were sprawled in heaps. As time went on, we tried less and less to catch this ninja like man who delivered toys and every year less and less of us still believed and every year christmas became more of a formality, less of a family tradition. This year christmas left me heartbroken, at least christmas at the house did. There was a shortage of family, no one young enough to still believe in Santa could make it so the gifts were set under the tree as we arrived instead of cleverly hidden until the house was mostly empty. The stockings remained unfilled for the entire night. No plan to capture santa was devised, no pinata hung in the living room, no intense game of snowball tag planned. We all just sat around the table playing card games and eating tamales as the clocked ticked away. Presents were opened, we shuffled off to mass, got drunk, fell asleep. It just was not the same tradition that I look forward to every years as soon as the leaves change. Christmas was not christmas at all this year, it was more of I have to to do this family stuff before I can do what I want. Luckily, christmas has one more shot at redemption, and I am looking forward to see how it does.

Evolution

Its not a deniable thing. It happened and it is continuing to happen. unfortunately, for the human race, we are evolving into less and less complex things. It is still called evolution because evolution does not mean to become more complex, it means to change, adapt, become better suited for an environment. While in general for the majority of the organisms on earth, it means becoming more complex, acquiring new traits, new ways to survive. For humans evolution is losing primitive unnecessary traits not needed to survive in our overly pampered lifestyles. Ideally, adapting to our environment would be a good thing, unfortunately for us the environment we are adapting to is highly unstable, man made, and could be gone in minutes. This is not a good thing. Evolution is good. Correction, evolution in nature is good, it takes a long time and adapts to an environment that changes very gradually, with some exceptions. This society driven evolution is bad, we are adapting to an environment that changes rapidly and is prone to disaster. The worst part about the evolution that the human race is experiencing, is it is making us dependent on technology, dependent on society. The human race is thus experiencing a slide into less and less complexity. We are thinking less, making less on our own, achieving less on our own. We are relying on machines to build for us, we have to grow our own food, we have to use fire to keep us warm. It is a slippery slope, and the majority of the human race do not seem to notice society barreling down it. Just saying

Working on it

I think I have finally come to realize my biggest personality flaw and it is devastating. I am extremely self-centered and selfish. Everything I am against is everything I am. All I ever seem to talk about is myself, if something does not go my way I get disappointed, if someone is not impressed by something I say I get offended. I am spending all this time worrying about my superficial problems, while so many people have problems that are way more problematic. I really need to stop focusing on myself.

sorry

About whining. I am done complaining. I am done with the system, because it just keeps fucking me over. Fuck it, I will figure this out on my own. I have played by the rules doing everything right for ten plus years, for nothing. I am done following the rules and filling out form after form, only to be shot down again and again. Fuck it. I am done with forms. People can not just be filed away. My story does not fit on a form, my value can be put in a standard form, photocopied and distibuted to thousands. There can not be a pre-determined scale for judging a persons worth. There are other factors, so many other factors. If trees were trees because they were green than garbage trucks would be trees, and each fall most trees would disapeer. There is a big picture but the system could care less. Fuck it. I am done.

Why I can not run, a list

1) Family - I am too close with too many people, my biological family, my non biological family. It is not even so much that I would miss them, I would, a lot, but I would feel more guilty knowing they were missing and worrying about me. Its hard to be free when I am weighed down by guilt.
2) Responsibility - Funny it is both my reason to stay and the thing I want to run from. I can not stand being expected to do so many things, but once again I would fill extremely guilty if I abandoned my responsibilities
3) Happiness - I am like moderately happy right now. Like if I took off there is potential to become less than moderately happy, but at the same time, there is potential to find total happiness.
4) Indecision - Every time I convince myself to go, and my adrenaline starts to rush, my rational self talks me out of it. It is like I always find a reason to stay, or I just create one.
5) Ignorance - I am not smart enough to survive on my own with out a circle of support, I do not think. Even if I was I do not want people to view me as a flunky. I want to prove I can become something, before I become nothing.
6) Goals - I want to change things, leave my mark. It can not be done by running from the problems that need to be changed. The moral high ground would be to stay.

Lifes purpose

I figured it out, the key to fulfillment and a happy life. The purpose of life the reason we roam the plant is to find the purpose of life. Its a thinker. Life is about new experiences. So if we are always looking for the purpose, meaning, truth of life, then we are always doing new things. learning, seeing, doing as much as we can. By never finding fulfillment to our ultimate question in some way we are having the best life experience possible. There is a catch, some people can not stand the constant question and replace it with superficial things; "success," money, family, religion. I by no means just bashed family, but some people use their families as a crutch. So if the purpose to life is to find the purpose of life, and everyone knows that the journey is better than the destination, the purpose of life is to just live it, realize it is fleeting and just live it and stop trying to justify life. I probably just contradicted something I said, but my mind is never made up, because it is against life's purpose, because if I made up my mind than I would not be doing new things, thus never getting closer to the impossible, thus not living life to the fullest.

shallow

Money is like the most terrible thing ever. It is really fucking screwing me over right now. Apparently I have too much money for the government to pay for my school at all, but somehow I can not pay for school at all on my own. How can the government assume I can if I so clearly can not. I have a job next semester, but that will barely cover my books. I wish I was poor so much right now. I feel so shallow because of this. It is like I am worried about getting a car that can survive marquette while the simple truth is, in the current, all data points to not being able to afford marquette. Christmas is coming up, unfortantly for me, all I want is money for tuition, but I only want it because I need it. In truth I want half a car and a snowboard and a GPS a new backpack like for hiking snowshoes and car insurance, but when asked I say tuition. I honestly do not want tuition, it is what I need, I guess. Actually what I need, ALL I NEED is a cosigner. If I had a cosigner my troubles would just vanish for four years. I could take my road trip, buy my snowboard and have a stress free break. Then after four years I would have a decent job and I could make payments, I honestly do not care that I will be charged intrest al all, Its worth it in the end. Too bad my dad refuses to even look at a contract for me let alone cosign. Moral of the story: Be poor. Be rich. Dont go to college. Those are your options. Sorry life sucks.

intelligence

Smart is a figure of speech. Dolphins are not smart, at least not completely. Dolphins are very socially intelligent animals. Dolphins can be trained to do simple tricks, that is it. The tricks dolphins do are less complex than the tricks rats can do. So rats are smarter than dolphins in some sense. Dolphins are socially more intelligent but rats are better at tricks and sequencing or tricks. Dolphins have extremely short term memory, compared to that of a gold finch as well. This bird hides over a hundred caches of food each year and succeeds at finding most of them, in chronological order, the first hid is the first found. This crow in the video can make a hook out of a piece wire to retrieve food, not just pick up a hook and use it but make a hook out of a piece of wire. Dolphins have nothing on that. I am not trying to hate on dolphins or anything, I just wish people would understand that all animals, humans included while not necessarily equal are all important and intelligent in their own ways. My ability to remember is dwarfed in comparison to a gold finch. While a crows ability to use tools is dwarfed by a chimp. The point being intelligence is not logical or definable. So every time a person claims intellectual superiority they are just proving their ignorance.

six years ago today

I remeber getting off the bus and seeing my sisters van in the driveway. I was filled with joy, spending the day with her was always a treat. My brother and I ran home full sprint, filled with excitement. We burst into the house and realized something was not right. My sister sat across from my dad, her eyes red and puffy from crying, my dad told us to sit down. I was already crying, but I did not know why. I heard my dad say, "Its your mom, she died last night in her sleep." I stared blankly out the window at the cold snowless ground and then I said, "what," and burst into tears again, before my dad even repeated the words. For the better part of a month after I heard those words, I believed it was a dream, every night I would hope to wake up to in my bed to my mom yelling that I was going to be late for school. At the funeral I was in a haze, hug, tears, story tears, hug, repeat. I never believed she was actully gone untill I saw her ashes catch in the breeze an settle into the indian river, where they would flow to lake michigan. My mom did not belong in a box, she deserved to be free. Everything reminds me of my mom. Nothing about living in Marquette does not remind me of my mom. Everytime I burn inscents, smell petulies, drink diet pepsi, listen to matchbox twenty, hear the world free or bird, see a mom hug her child, see someone get a care package signed love mom, my heart breaks a little bit. It just is not fair at all. Why was she so stupid? How could she overdose when she had five kids who needed her love? Did she not realize how terrible it would be to not have my mom get me ready for prom, watch me graduate, watch me grow up? How selfish it was to OD. I do not care if it was an accident or not. I do not care if she died peacefully. It fucking sucks to not have a mom to tell me she loves me on the phone, put on another coat, and embarass me in front of friends. She was the only person in my family like me. She made me think this way, believe what I believe and than she took off, and left me with thousands of questions and no answers. Everyone I talk-talk to thinks I am fucking crazy and it is all her fault. She left me alone and lost at the age of fourteen. I love her so much and I can not go a day without missing her, but she will never even know who I become, she will never be proud of me, she will never know how much like her I really am. but I will always have to love her and I will always have to miss her, and I will always feel like something is missing as I start to forget her voice and her face fades from my memory. RIP mom 12-11-2003

C for chemistry

The title says it well. I have officially without a doubt just passed my first semester of college. I received a C in chemistry, not a C minus, a C. My multiple choice skills are phenomenal. Also I received a nintey on my bio exam, not only did I pass, but I can work for the biology department now. Good news, definitely, but I know that is not going to last. I have never studied a day in my entire life and I skated through high school with about a 3.797, I said about, but went exact. I realized this semester that its not going to go that way in college. I think I am going to swallow my pride next semester and ask for help. College just keeps getting harder and I am not as smart as I thought I was.

life is a highway?

I was rear ended before I left the parking lot, you think northern students would know to pump their breaks. I went an hour out of the way to avoid a storm only to hit a storm. I ran out of wiper fluid. I lost control in a gas station parking lot. I spent a good 100 miles going 55 on the expressway because I could only see three feet ahead of me. A normally six and a half hour drive ended up taking me ten. Most people would say that today was a shitty day. Truth is, I am home. I made two friends. My car is not totaled just dented. I am alive. Something had my back today. I will never know anything as scary as driving down the expressway blind in a good foot of snow for a hundred miles in total darkness. I will not be this proud of myself for a while. I never knew that many people cared about me. Today was a good day.

tigers can not go to college

When I was younger I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I would always answer quite confidentially, "a tiger" until I hit about seven years old. I gave up on my dreams at the age of seven? No, I just revised them. At a young age I was determined to become a tiger because they were what captained my interest At seven I was determined to become an optometrist, simply because I had to wear glasses and was around them a lot. From optometrist I moved on to a radio DJ, professional skateboarder, astronaut, president, teacher, lawyer, FBI agent, psychologist, park ranger, adventure guide, biologist, environmentalist, zoologist, bum, and currently I am aiming for field biology/ecology/naturalist. Each different future career came solely from what I was most concerned and fascinated with at the time. I am not sure I will accomplish my current career goal, but it does not really bother me anymore. It does not really mean I am giving up or losing ambition. If I stray away from this path it would simply mean I have changed my mind again. Everyday I learn who I am and everyday I change a little bit, I would be naive not to expect my goals to change. I honestly do not want to be a tiger anymore and could not care less about being the president. If I were to honor all the goals I have ever had I would be blowing way to much money on plastic surgery and full body tattoos. Not accomplishing some of my old goals is not letting myself down, trying to accomplish something I do not care about, that would be letting myself down.

If you read this you will probably hate me

God does not exist or Christians would be Christ like. I have never in my entire life met one single person who believed in god to the point of following the bible, well like a bible. If I knew god existed I would be the most selfless, giving, moral person ever as not to condemn myself to life in some hellish hell. I have never seen anyone with faith enough to convince me to believe and if I did, I and many "Christians " would probably write them off as insane. Rightly so, because if they were treating the bible like a bible not just a suggestion they would seem rather insane. Also the whole beg for forgiveness thing is the biggest joke I have ever heard. A person cannot be forgiven of sins unless at the time the sins were committed, the person did not know they were committing sins. Otherwise it is kind of like taking advantage of Jesus, a person can not consciously commit a sin apologize for it and be reconsidered a saintly person, especially if they ever recommit the sin. That would be like double hell because when someone apologizes that means they wont do something again, if they do it again that means they were lying to God. I know, I know, Jesus died for our sins. I am not sure that means people can do what ever they want and play the Jesus loves me card. I am not saying I do not believe in redemption a person can do something terrible and change, but I am willing to bet that person does not need to redeem themselves weekly in confessional if they our truly changed. I have done bad things and I really believe I have done enough to redeem myself morally. So if there is a god he is a total jerk if he believes words are bigger than actions. I know plenty of people who attend church weekly that are bad influences on me, and I go to mass only when forced to. I am a better person then them and if god does exist (slim chance), that should be enough for him. If you actually hate me because You read this, you are going to hell, because hate is murder and murder is against the ten commandments, well as long as you apologize, I guess.

Escape

I think it is about that time.

The dream

Fade in. Standing in line at some really sketchy club, me and three other non identifiable people, I am guessing they were friends, but they were blurry. We get to the front of the line and walk into an incredibly rundown building, we make our way to the center of the room, where there is an incredibly high tech looking elevator. We get inside and can not figure out how to work it, a good looking guy walks in the elevator and says he knows how to work it but that we wont be able to get in looking like that. Just then I wonder what exactly I was waiting in line for, in this really sketchy part of somewhere. One of the faceless friends asks the guy why it would be so hard to get in. He replies that the blines do not let just anyone into see them play. The blines? Apparently they are the black vines. In my dream I was really bummed, the random stranger guy asked if we wanted his help to get in. We accepted. He then asked us a series of questions. Do you have any piercings? Yes. Take them out. Do you have any tatoos? No. Here take one of my mine. He then proceeded to give me a tatoo in the elevator, I have no idea what it was of. Are you 18? yes. Good. Are you wearing shoes? No, I have extras. I apparently wasnt wearing any shoes. Then he informed thats all he could do to help and the rest was up to me and my blurry friends. All of a sudden I knew how to work the elevator and we made it just in time to see the blines. They were good, they sounded just like the vines, until they started singing folk. Also the were just like shadow blobs on a stage. The guy was no where to be found. End Dream. Moral of the dream. Always wear shoes?

never stop

I do not think I will ever be one of those people who wants to "settle down" and start a family. The very idea of settling down sounds terrible to me. Settling down sounds like the opposite of a happy exciting life, if anything I hope to stay riled up for a long time. to be riled up is to have passion and adventure, settled down is to have monotony and security. I really hope I never have security, I think it would kill my spirit, to always have something to fall back on. What is the point of trying something new if the monotony is so secure. Settling down sounds like pure torture. I have never been one of those people who when looking to the future saw a picket fence and a yard full of dogs and smiling children. When I looked to the future I was always in the middle of the Atlantic, on the top of a mountain, or jumping out of an airplane. Settling down is settling, settling is giving up. I do not have the ability to give up. I am not saying that I never want to start a family, of course I want a family, I just do not ever want to have to settle down to do it. I never want that nice suburban home, I never want to be a "soccer mom," It just is not who I am. I do not give up on my dreams, and I can not ignore my need to explore.

If the world's at large, why should I remain?

I always seem to disagree with society, and when I do not, I really want to. If I had the strength or the guts I would cut all ties with society and just leave, but for some reason I. need it. I am disgusted by it daily, the lies, the deceit, the hate, there is so much hate. The more I live among the human race the more desensitized to voilence and brutality I become, but I can not leave it. Without society I am weak, with society I am blind, or at least I have to seem blind. The thing is society has all this terrible, really really terrible stuff in it, but also it has love and compassion, it has what makes me human. Humans have flaws, humans make up society, society has flaws its inevitable, and no matter how hard I try to be above society, I will always just be human. I am unable to escape this society. I would like to believe the reason I stay is to change something or because I need human interaction, but I am just not to sure anymore. I know the reason I stay is not material but, I think the reason I stay is terror. Society is all I have ever known. How can I possibly be brave enough to leave the only thing I have ever known. I think I am going through some kind of mid-youth crisis. I am beginning to think I just need a break from the real world. I hope I can get over this by taking off for a week and just leaving, just going anywhere else. It is not necessarily leaving society, but leaving the society I am used to. Like I said, I am not brave enough to leave, leave.

Nine numbers and one paper make a person, another paper makes success

A college degree is a piece of paper, set apart from all other pieces of paper by words written on it in some fancy style. This paper symbolizes, this single piece of paper symbolizes four years of effort, four years of blind commitment. Commitment to what is commonly known as higher education, this paper symbolizes education. This piece of paper and this piece of paper alone means that a person is smart. Four years, eight thousand dollars, countless days stuck in the same place and what does it guarantee? Not a job, not financial stability, not fulfillment, not even happiness, No all it guarantees is a single very fancy piece of paper. A piece of paper that somehow proves a person is smart. Is it really that smart to place so much importance in something so superficial. I can not justify giving up four years of my life to a piece of paper. The piece of paper proves nothing, I know I am not smart because of it, I know it does not promise me any kind of future, I know there are plenty of people smarter than I ever will be who will never even try for it, but I have been conditioned to want it. Unfortunately the more time I invest in it and the more things I see other people invest in the less I seem to want it. I am nintey percent positive that I am not strong enough to not follow through with this. Chances are I will earn that piece of paper, I will be proud of that piece of paper, and one day I might even frame that piece of paper. I am certain however I will never define myself by that piece of my paper. It is just a piece of paper, I am so much more than a piece of paper and I will never let a piece of paper influence any decision I make. I will graduate and then maybe I will be myself.

If anything is karma, this is

(I know unheard of, but two today.) Negative people, hang out with negative people, and they just feed off each other. Of course you are going to feel like shit if all you talk about is how shitty your life is. I actually witnessed two people today like arguing over whose life was worse. They were exaggerating on the horrors of their lives. Feeding off the negativity. Never once did they stop and consoul each other, try to cheer each other up, no they just kept going, the cloud looming over them kept growing. Not once did either stop and say, it could be worse, we should be grateful. They are able to attend college, they were wearing clothes, they appeared to be well fed, they both had laptops, one of them had an iphone. Yeah, maybe that does not mean they have perfect lives, or even good lives, but it could be worse. This homeless man use to wander around my street back home and he would play basketball with me and my friends, he was always smiling telling us stories of his son that he was not aloud see. He was always optimistic. He always showed us the treasures that he would find on his dumpster exavations, and we would look on with wonder at the magnificant things. We asked him what he did with them and he told us honestly, he pawned them for food and clothes. He would share with us if he ever found something like a basketball or an armchair that would go nice in a clubhouse in the woods. This man who had nothing would share with us his only means of survival, when we were kids with nice warm beds and dinners to go home to every night. We asked him why he did not have a home? He was not offended, by the question and told us of how he once had a home and made a terrible mistake that cost him his job, his home, his family. What became of him? He eventully found a job at the Mcdonalds up the road and a kind neighbor lent him the basement of his home. The kind homeless man lived there and saved up his money, then he moved into his own apartment and fixed a guestroom for his son, who now visits him reguarly. The man ever greatful of the kindness he recieved continues to pay the neighbor who lent him his basement, even though the neighbor refuses the money. The moral of the story? There are people who have it way worse, like my still friend Mike, but with a little optimism and determination THINGS WILL GET BETTER. Suck it up, stop whining, help people who you can help, and get over it.

Leave the ocean's roar in the turquoise shell?

I can feel it burning inside of me this desire. It wants to do something and it wants to invest one hundred percent. My passion, it is not misguided, I just do not think it has anywhere to go right now. It wants to leave but it can not find a map, so it remains burning at my soul, trying to get out. Subconsciously I think I know there is only one thing worth the passion that is burning at me, I just do not consciously know exactly what that is. My subconscious mind is imprisoning my passion because it must know that consciously I have no idea what to do with it. Maybe it is not the right time for me to know yet, but maybe I am doing something wrong. It is not to say that I am not meant to know, because I already know subconsciously, I just refuse to tell my conscious self, for whatever reason. I do not believe in destiny and nothing happens for a reason, but everything has to belong somewhere. There is no predetermined path, but maybe as we mature we start to map it out in the back of our minds. We take all our values and dreams and we plot out this idealized life path. It is not for certain and is really nothing like a destiny, the path is just our deepest desire. At any rate, what is bothering me is the intensity, that I feel this desire burning. I feel like I am just going to get up and leave one day, because whatever I am doing right now is not working out. I feel like I am just at college because I was always told I had to go, not because it is where I planned my life to take me. It is not to say that I do not enjoy college, I am having a blast, college does not fulfill me though. It is like I chose this, because it made me happy and I just never gave anything else a shot. I went for door one without knowing there ever was a door two.

The need to rationalize

Approximately ninety percent of my blogs are rationalizations, approximately my entire life is a rationalization. Whenever I have a problem I use logic to rationalize a solution. Whenever something is unknown to me or nagging at my brain I WILL come up with a rational solution. At the same time that I find it necessary to rationalize everything, I believe there is no truth in life. The question remains how can I rationalize life, if life holds no truth? Where is the logical place to start if life has no truth to begin with? How can I rationalize something completely irrational. It is impossible, if I were to rationalize life I would have to base the rationalizations off of assumptions, assumptions that hold no truth. Logically speaking, all we know about life is that it happens. We do not know why. We most likely never will know why. Life just happens and people, animals, bacteria just live it, for no rational reason. Sure, we all make up these superficial reasons to be alive, things we "live for," but honestly they mean nothing and are not by any means universal. The only rational explanation for the need to live life is "because." No explanation exists, no explanation ever will exist. We are living because we are living, what we choose to do with life is a complete randomization. We are not guided by a higher power, we are not guided by some force of nation, we are guided only by some irrational craving we hold inside. If we choose to follow it, we should be led to happiness, but if we choose to ignore it, than we are not really alive at all. Either way it does not matter at all. Yeah, I just did that.