Suffer with pride

There is always an easy way out, I was raised to avoid it at all costs. Is it really better to never give up?

My plastic utensil has broken in half

I need something to hold me together.

Even if things get a bit heavy

“Our real discoveries come from chaos, from going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish.” -Chuck Palahniuk
It is impossibly hard for me to form a sentence capable of conveying what I would like to say. I feel like a thousand balloons on a summer day in the wind, there is joy, awe, a sense of adventure, and yet a hint of uncertainty. I feel as though my blog has been ridiculously whiny lately, but that is because I usually just do not blog about the good things. I never need to get good feelings off my chest. Anyway what I am trying to say is life is mostly good right now. My life after all, is inherently good. I mean life would suck if it was always easy, planned out, and neat. I am always hoping for a quick change in the weather to send the balloons on a chaotc journey that was never intended.

Go hard all the way through

My body hates me. I am sleep deprived, every part of me is sore, and as much as I hate to admit it, I am sick. I would rather win and collapse then take a break and lose. So I am not admitting exhaustion ever again.

Fuck

If you cared you would not let me know, you would help. Fuck all of you.

Have fun

Why did anyone ever find it necessary to validate existence. It is what it is, you are what you are, do what ever the fuck you want.

I love you more.

I close my eyes.
I can barely remember your face. I cant remember how tall you were. I don't know what your hands look like anymore, your feet escape me, they were smaller than mine. A lot of your memory is fading, but there are things that I see when I close my eyes that I can never forget. I can close my eyes and see your smile, your long brunette hair, uncut for god knows how long. I remember your voice I can still hear it singing to me and I can here your laugh, genuine and happy. I can imagine you telling me that you love me, me telling you I love you more, and you replying with love you more than more, and us gong on and on. I remember how when I went to bed I would get a kiss on the lips, then on the nose, then on the lips again, when I was younger it was our secret, "kiss code," and I never grew out of it. I feel guilty when I miss you, how selfish of me to miss you, I spent a long time with you and I would not trade the time we had together for anything n the world, I was blessed. But I must not think of only myself. What about you? You were a year away from graduating college, you were going to be a teacher for troubled youth. How can I be sad about not having you, when there were so many other lives you were unable to touch. You had so many goals you never got to finish. So many great things you were destined for kids to see graduate high school, kids to move into college, to miss dearly, to see get married. Grand-kids to spoil. You had your whole life ahead of you, you never saw 45, but you never really got any older than 25, you were young, vibrant, and happy. You were a free dreamer, you were me, but you waited, played the game, started over and before you got to make your next move it was over. I admire you and I promise to live my life the way you wanted to live yours. Happy 52nd birthday, mom. A day will never pass where I do not think of you and smile. I love you.

My life is a joke.

I am just going to list shit.
This picture has become too familiar for me.
It is ridiculous how happy I was to finish all those applications. It sucks so much waiting to find out my fate.
I need to fill out my fafsa... again.
I am doing so damn good academically right now. It is not because I care more about school. I am just in easy classes.
I really need to find somewhere to live next year, more importantly someone to live with.
I do not have any real friends, nobody would do what I am willing to do for them for me. Rejection is shitty.
The above times 12 for the last 4 guys whose last names I will never know.
My dad is lending me the money for spring break training, I still do not think I will be able to pay all of my bills this month.
I have decided I am going to start eating really healthy, because I like the feeling I get from having insane will power. That might sound bad, but it works for me.
My life is a mess.

My "i" key is broken

Sitting in the peter white lounge, waiting for an interview. I am nervous as fuck. I believe I have a lot of good and valuable things to say but, I am shy, I am limited. I know that if I had met the people interviewing me prior to this interview I would rock this shit, but Angie Chavez is not good at first impressions. I look like I am stoned, I talk slow, I am slightly sick, and I know I will trip up and not be able to convey my thoughts accurately. I just wish for once I could have blind self confidence in a slightly stressful situation, I am not being humble, I am being insecure, I hope nobody sees through that.

If I had a million dollars

It might not buy happiness, but I would be a bit happier if I had enough to pay for the things that make me happy. Money is the root of all of my stress.

Tangibility

I am sure the walls value my opinions,
and I know my fingers love to type.
So maybe I am not heard,
and its obvious I am not read,
but when have I ever stopped
Doing what I do?
For a trivial reason?
Because I am unacknowledged?
Because I do not sound as
smart, clever, or thought provoking
as try to be? As I think I am?
because I am not mainstream?
These are not deterrents.
This is motivation.
Positive reinforcement.
So I blog because it empties my head.
It helps me connect with myself.
It develops my thoughts, it is action.
Not radical action but it is the first step.
The first step is acknowledging.
What is the point of thinking, alone?
I will not fall silent,
because no one is listening.
Is it an opinion,
if it is not voiced?
Does a thought exist
solely as a thought?
Nothing exists without proof.
You can not see the wind,
but you feel it.
I respect the quiet,
but I admire those
who need to be heard.
Speaking is a metaphor.
Hearing is a metaphor.
Voice is a metaphor.
Express your opinion,
however you can,
validate its existence.
Silence is ignorance.
self ignorance.
Self denial.
I will not listen
if you do not talk.

Be loud, let your colors show

Today my dad said, these exact words, "Good to hear, I am proud of you." Ive been waiting almost nineteen years to hear those words nineteen fucking years and I have to my knowledge never gotten "a good work," or a "I am proud of you" unless it was immediately followed, with a "but next time." Today there was no "but next time." I do not want to sound whiny or shit, but my relationship with my family is what most people call dysfunctional and my relationship with my dad has been the rockiest of all. I was always my moms daughter until she died and then I was lost. I needed to feel an overage of affection again so I devoted the next six years of my life to making my dad proud. I pulled a 3.8 in High school. "You should have gotten a 4.0." I made the varsity soccer team and was captain. "You need to work on coverage, you need to win more games." I went to college. "That is not really a big ten school is it?" I got a job at a camp. "You could find a better paying job, you know?" Picked up a new sport. "You better continue to have a job." It has always felt like my best was never good enough, and it always broke my heart. Since I went away for college things have been getting much better, I think we had our first hug they day I left and said I love you for the first time when I called home. I think he needed to realize that I am a little different in my life views as far as success goes and I needed to realize he was never not proud of me, he just never wanted me to settle with my best. I could always be better. And because of that I will always be better, I will never think, "hey personal best, time to take a break." It will be the opposite, I will always think, "hey a new thing to beat, a new opportunity to go all out." Today though my dad told me he was proud of me and did not except me to do anything more, he was just proud. The reason my dad and I am currently proud of me are as follows. 1. Three applications in for camps all of which are located out west in the mountains. 2. I have the lowest split of any girl on the team, and only 1 guy has me beat. That time is a 2:01.9 for a 6k. 3. I have been getting As on exams and got a B+ on my research paper. 4. I took up skiing and have been sticking with it. 5. I secured a loan and payed my tuition. Basically I have gotten my life together and have been getting shit done. I am so proud of myself and I am proud that my dad is proud. I am in a really good place right now. Really good.

The path of least resistance

"What happens if you make a hill of water?"
"The pressure will change the water below the pile will start to heat..."
"No."
"The water will push down on the surrounding water and make waves"
"No."
"The water will begin to evapo..."
"No"
I answer, "It will level out."
"Thank god, someone has common sense, have any of you tried to build a hill out of water? Let me know how it goes if you do."
We as a human race, tend to over complicate things. We cannot handle simplicity we require all things to be complicated and logically appealing, but sometimes its not that deep. Everything, well, most things seem to follow a general pattern of least resistance. Nature and the physical natural world tend to work out in the simplest way possible, things tend to level out. Evolution is based off parsimony, parsimony is basically getting from point A to point B in the fewest possible steps. Fewest steps, least resistant, simplicity, natural. Humans however cannot seem to grasp this concept of chance, they refuse to believe that everything they know, everything they are, everything that will ever be is just a result of chance of events happening in a way that provide the least resistance. They need to explain everything, and often tend to overlook the simple explanations, in search for something as complex as themselves. Humans are arguably the most complex organism on the planet, they have this disgustingly mutated cerebrum that allows for these complex and intricate thoughts, this is their greatest advantage and their greatest downfall. It is with this mutation that we have developed culture, music, art, history, emotions, and scientific breakthroughs. But it is also this mutation that has brought us to war, discrimination, pollution, depletion of resources, and sorrow. We cannot accept people as equals because there must be some sort of complex disorder making "those like me superior to those like you," we cant be different because of random genetic drift. We can not understand that CO2 is harmful and should be no longer admitted the resources are there, there for us to use because god gave them to us. We chop continents and develop currency, we set standards and develop exclusivity. We become to complex to explain our own actions, we decided something more complex must have given us this will to do as we please because the other organisms do not have it. Everything needs and explanation, that cause only more confusion. We refuse to understand that deep down at the very root of it, everything happens, but not for a reason. This became way to rambling, my train of thought took off and I could not keep up.

We must blend into the choir, sing as static with the whole

Sometimes you give it a hundred and ten percent and you just are not extraordinary enough. It is all good I do not need to see the president talk to validate my existence there are way more remarkable people that would talk to me in person. He is the president not because he has great ideals, not because he has empathy for the human race, and not even because he knows what he is doing. He is the president simply because he knows how to play the game. It is all a game a pathetic little rat race. Like I said I can get a much more meaningful conversation out of any person on the street especially those with nothing, they are the ones who have the power to change my life, they are the ones with the stories and experience. They are the people who can offer me the perspective I need to understand the world beyond the infrastructure, beyond the politics, beyond all the remedial shit we as Americans tend to obsess over. He is just a guy in a suit who met all the right people and did all the right things I can think of plenty of people whose thoughts on anything I would rather hear. Whose thoughts would be pivotal in my understanding of not only our country, or our world, but out existence, our future, our being, what it means to mean anything at all. I could careless about the remedial and material importance of broadband internet and I can guarantee that most of the people going to see this pre-written speech in a suit are expecting to have their minds blown or are just looking for an excuse to change their facebook status, utilizing the wonderful broadband we hear at Northern enjoy, to "20 feet from the president, I think my heart stopped lol." Ask them about his domestic and international policies, see what they say. If I want my mind blown, if I want my life changed, if I want to experience an all to soul shaking epiphany I will have a conversation with someone who is not constantly being analyzed under a microscope, someone who is not afraid of how the country will feel about their absolute honest opinions, someone who does not have someone writing and proofing every word they can say. I am going to keep on living my life and continuing what I do not to get ahead in the game, and definitely not so that I can potentially be in the same room as the president as he talks about something rather boring that I do not particularly care about, but so that I can experience all the things I want to experience, see things I care about, do things I find meaningful. Society, politics, college, they have always been a road block, and it might seem as though I am playing the game right now, but its only because I have to get far enough in so that no one notices when I quit. Good things may come to those who wait, but those who are to busy living their lives to wait around for their turn in the game find that life consists of a bit more than colored squares and arbitrary rules. These people are who I identify myself with and these people are the people I would be ecstatic to hear speak, these are the people who inspire me. This is not bitter, this is the truth, this is how I feel. I am too clever to be fooled by a speech and a fancy suit.

The things people hate about me

I support immigration especially when it is illegal.
I will disagree with you just so you will debate with me, but the second it turns into an argument I terminate the conversation.
I am pro choice.
I support Marijuana smokers, cigarette smokers, and all drug users. Because its not my life.
I do not see anything morally wrong with stealing if there is no other way to get what you need.
I am anti-politics.
I am a hypocrite because I support peoples rights while completely disagreeing with their decision to indulge in them. Example: being pro-choice while being completely against abortion.
I denounce religion because it is religion, religion is a cheap explanation and I do not want someone shoving it down my throat. Storks delivering babies is a convenient explanation, but you believe what you want.
I in no way value the things most people value, they mostly inconvenience me.
I have an easier time trusting complete strangers, than people I have known forever, strangers will not disappoint me.

I am sure there are more but I have noticed these ones really pissing people off lately, it also probably bothers them that it does not bother me at all, it actually entertains me a bit.

Learn to live

I never want to stop making mistakes, even if it kills me. A single moment of adventure is worth a lifetime of playing it safe.

Somebody I used to know.

My life is going really really well right now, all the big things are perfect. Everything's working out, but for some reason I feel miserable. It bothers me that even thought the big things and "my future" seem to be falling into place, the immediate current day to day situation that is my life is really stressful and equally disappointing. Mostly the people that I call my friends, do not seem to be there at all. I really want to start over, I think I made these friends the wrong way or something. I feel as though I am that person that is not really liked, just kept around for convenience. I could be over sensitive but, I am going to start pulling away and looking for different people. I feel like I am not wanted and whether that feeling is justified or not I am going to act on it.

Move on

Your whole goddamn life is an overreaction

Go do.

Your conscious mind is trying to stop you. Stop thinking so much. Do not let your mind tell your soul what to do. All of your adaptations for survival need to be ignored, you need to live, not survive.