I never should have been set free

I think I fucked up and I think I fucked up on purpose. I got all this freedom when I went to college and I think I abused it. I want to live fast, but I do not want to die young. I think I need to be, "responsible." Maybe it is just bad luck, but I think it is more, I think it is the last ten months catching up to me. In tangible ways like money, academics, and relationships, but also in like karma, luck, and mental stability. I do not even know. One thing goes right for me and it seems like ten things go wrong, it is like this uneven balance. I mean I am just complaining but honestly why does everything have to go wrong at once. I really thought I had stuff sorted out, like I really really thought I was in the right place. A month ago I was done with all this identity, purpose, meaning crisis shit, but its back and its pretty intense. Its not just bad luck something is wrong, something is unbalanced. I hope I can fix this. I want to get back to that good place, because being confused and despondent sucks. I mean I honestly thought I had it all figured out, but I can not ignore the fact that it obviously is not working. I mean something is wrong, getting worse. I am legitimately worried about this, like worried for my life. I just need to like regain my footing. Shit, this does not sound like I want stability does it?