Fear of commitment

I want to live simply, I keep telling myself, as I drain my bank account buying the gear necessary to do so. I want to live closer to nature, making sure I have everything I need to protect me from it. My life is a giant contradiction, when I want to go for a hike I drive myself to where I want to go hiking. I detest every little thing about society, while loving every single thing about it. I keep telling myself that I do not need culture, or music, or people, or parties, but whenever I get the chance to experience any of it I jump at it. I love the outdoors and nature, but I guess not enough to leave everything else behind. What does this mean? Probably that I am way more normal then I want to be and that I am stuck more or less. I can no longer entertain this idea of escape because I would not be able to take living in solitude with nature. At first I was pretty upset, kind of felt like a sell out, but now I kind of feel empowered. I feel as though I just made my first conscious long term commitment. I am committed to graduating from college now, it may have always seemed such but college was more of just a way to stall off the real world, until now. Now it is, more or less, my main focus, instead of just being there until I could do what I really felt necessary.