Here comes the sun

With each day the ground warms, the air warms, the ice thins, The trees bud, and the grass greens. First the seagulls returned and now chipmunks are scurrying about campus. Bare feet and flip flops are seen walking up the hill. Hats and boots have been traded for shorts and sunglasses. Bikes and long-boards now replace skis and snowboards. The library is empty and the academic lawn is full. Time spent outdoors surpasses the time spent indoors and the top of sugarloaf becomes as familiar as the back of my chemistry lecture. The snow stuck to my shoes is now the sand forever stuck inside of them. This is spring. This is the beginning of summer. It is familiar, but it is a totally different experience this time. I have never had the ability to experience the earth waking up in such a beautiful place. The outdoors more easily appreciated when not crowded by infrastructure, the changing of the seasons is more heavily observed and more captivating. Through the observation I find inspiration, hope, natural curiosity, and that wonder that I have been lacking. The warm weather will be what saves my sanity.

Fear of commitment

I want to live simply, I keep telling myself, as I drain my bank account buying the gear necessary to do so. I want to live closer to nature, making sure I have everything I need to protect me from it. My life is a giant contradiction, when I want to go for a hike I drive myself to where I want to go hiking. I detest every little thing about society, while loving every single thing about it. I keep telling myself that I do not need culture, or music, or people, or parties, but whenever I get the chance to experience any of it I jump at it. I love the outdoors and nature, but I guess not enough to leave everything else behind. What does this mean? Probably that I am way more normal then I want to be and that I am stuck more or less. I can no longer entertain this idea of escape because I would not be able to take living in solitude with nature. At first I was pretty upset, kind of felt like a sell out, but now I kind of feel empowered. I feel as though I just made my first conscious long term commitment. I am committed to graduating from college now, it may have always seemed such but college was more of just a way to stall off the real world, until now. Now it is, more or less, my main focus, instead of just being there until I could do what I really felt necessary.

insomnia

I went to bed last night at around three. In My Dream: I was walking through what seemed to be a familiar house, but it had no furniture or decorations or paint on the walls. It was familiar because I seemed to know where I was going. I walked into a large room with a massive area rug on the floor. I stood there for a moment lost in the pattern on the rug, until finally I rolled back the rug revealing a large trap door. I quietly opened the trap door revealing a large set of stairs leading to a dark looking basement. I walked softly down three or four stairs until a figure appeared at the bottom of the stairs. The figure was me. I took a gun out of my pocket and threw it down to me. The me at the bottom of the stairs picked it up and pointed it right at the me that was near the top of the stairs. I screamed down the stairs, "just shoot me already!" Then the me at the bottom of the stairs squeezed the trigger and whoever says you can not feel pain in dreams is a lair. I collapsed and rolled all the way to the bottom of the stairs. I was not dead just in an extreme amount of pain. The other me dropped the gun and ran up the stairs slamming the trap door shut, and for what seemed like an eternity I laid on the floor thinking only of my pain. I woke up hyperventilating at around six, and I just sat on the floor until I could breather and eventually I fell asleep again. It was the single worse dream I have ever had.

Dance, fucker, dance.

Yeah fuck you! I am so done with this shit. I am standing up for myself. Fuck you! I do not even give a shit if I piss you off. It is about me now. I am sick of being walked on. Its all me, watch out. This is me, I have a spine now. I am not giving you a ride, I am not respecting your space, I am not loaning you money, I am not falling for your shit. Do not be offended it is not just you, it is everyone. I am sick of the shit I take from everyone and its over. My new favorite word is, "no" and I am not apologizing unless I am sorry. I can only take so much, and I took it all a long time ago. I am not going to start being bitchy or anything I am just going to stand up for myself. I am so done being a tool, so done feeling like a disappointment, so done with being judged, so done. It is over my thoughts will soon be my actions. Watch the fuck out.

Waste of time?

Most likely, but if I am enjoying myself that should justify any loss of time. The time I spend suffering, you know? that productive shit, that means nothing, earns me nothing, except for some fleeting material thing, that is the time that is being wasted. I mean honestly when I look back from my death bed or the edge of a cliff or from a plane plunging into a thick overgrown forest I will not be looking back on the days I spent washing dishes, kissing ass in a conference, or barely conscious in a class that gave me no mental simulation. No, if I am anything like what I want to be I will be reminiscing about the mountains Ive climbed, the interesting people I have conversed with, and the ridiculous things that I have done. I know and understand that the moments I may hate now, may someday be fond memories and I can see which moments have the potential to be such and which simply do not. I understand the shit I do that I do not like builds character. I understand the need for suffering and the value it has. However, the suffering I will value is the suffering that involves things I like. I mean getting lost for a few days on a hiking trip with minimal food would suck immensely, but it would be the most amazing experience to look back on, to grow from. The time I am wasting is wasted only if I do not enjoy it or learn from it at all, the irony is this is the time generally spent the "wisest." While the the time I spend, "wasting," is the time I get the most mental, spiritual, and emotional growth from. Somewhere society's priorities are a little off.

I am so close

Have you ever seen the sunrise turn the sky completely red?
Have you slept beneath the moon and stars, a pine bough for your bed?
Have you sat and talked with friends, though a word was never said?
Then you're just like me and you've been on the loose.
There's a trail that I'll be hiking just to see where it might go,
Many places yet to visit, many people yet to know.
But in following my dreams, I will live and I will grow,
In a world that's waiting out there on the loose.
So in search of love and laughter, I am traveling across this land.
Never sure of where I'm going, for I haven't any plans.
Anytime when you are ready, come and join me take my hand.
And together we'll share life out on the loose.
As I sit and watch the sunset and the daylight slowly fades,
I am thinking of tomorrow, and the friendships I have made.
I will treasure them for always, and I hope that you will too.
And forever we'll share life out on the loose.

On the loose to climb a mountain, On the loose where I am free,
On the loose to live my life the way I think my life should be.
For I only have a moment, and a whole world yet to see.
I'll be looking for tomorrow on the loose.

Religion

Written this morning: The wind blows through the leaves and rustles the tall grass. The waves crash in an off beat rhythm. The birds sing in harmony and the seagulls trumpet awkward out of tune notes. This is music. The wind blows and makes me cold but the sun shines and warms my skin, warms my soul. The sand cushions me as a lay and I watch the clouds, read the clouds, learn what they have to say. I am at peace I could lie here all day in a pure content haze. The earth is my mother. The trees and the animals are my siblings. She loves us. She hates us. All are equal. Although we may have to endure natural "disasters," it is a small price to pay for such a wonderful, beautiful home. A home we take for granted each day. She provided us with trees for shelter, we cut them down. We were given water to drink, we polluted it. We were given all we could ever need, but we needed more. I admit I am a slave to culture, I am a materialistic human being, but I make a conscious effort to appreciate earth. The problem lies directly with the common belief that we own earth. This is simply not true, see we belong to her. We and all other species of life belong to the earth. Earth is the mother, and life simply can not exist without her. I know I am referring to an inanimate object like it is alive, but that is because it is. The earth is always changing and always covered in life. Alive yet thoughtless. Earth is simply the most unbiased, ruler because it has no control of its actions, no thought, no compassion, it is a stupendous rock.

relieved

Everything is falling into place on the surface. Everything is great, until a strong wind comes through and blows it all down. For now I will leave up this facade and continue to work on the support behind it. I think it might be starting to fit together as well. I think I am going in a good direction.

Sorry

Simplicity

I love simple days. Sometimes I just need to slow things down, it is hard because my mind doesn't like to slow down. I know how to slow my mind down, but not without the aid of chemicals. I think if I can figure out how to slow stuff down naturally, I will be better off. I think I need to start meditating, kind of. Oh, I can not wait for more warm weather, everything is slower outside.

Teeter-tottering thought

Something in my life is kind of off. In my head everything feels kind of slanted to one side not really physically mainly emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, but kind of physically as well. And I do not mean I am metaphorically slanted to one side, as though I am siding with a particular view. I literally mean all my beliefs are sliding down a very steep hill. It is like when you set up a tent and it looks good, there are no roots, its under a tree, the ground is flat, and the grass is soft. Then when you lay down you feel as though you are going to slide down a cliff, because while the ground was flat and appeared level it really was not. I feel like that on the inside in my head and my stomach, my soul maybe. It is weird because I am trying to even it out, and get back onto level ground but then everything tips in the other direction. As though I keep over compensating for the decisions I make and then I have to over compensate again to get back. It sounds worse than it is, really. I actually think it is good, I think it means I am getting close to whatever it is I am looking for. If I continue to bounce back and forth over compensating less and less each time eventually it is all going to balance out, and I am going to find the perfect center, tip in neither direction.

This sums it up better than I can

Come gather ’round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You’ll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you is worth savin’
Then you better start swimmin’ or you’ll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin’.

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won’t come again
And don’t speak too soon
For the wheel’s still in spin
And there’s no tellin’ who that it’s naming.’
For the loser now will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin’.

Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don’t stand in the doorway
Don’t block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There’s a battle outside and it is ragin’.
It’ll soon shake your windows and rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin’.

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don’t criticize
What you can’t understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is rapidly agin’.
Please get out of the new one if you can’t lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin’.

The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is rapidly fadin’.
And the first one now will later be last
For the times they are a-changin’.

This was more ranty than anticipated

I do not know when this happened or how it happened for that matter, but it seems that I have gotten extremely cynical. I would say that it is a bad thing but I am just to damn cynical to believe I should care. I would give humanity a second chance but I have already given them a million. Yeah I know I am humanity, I am cynical not hypocritical, I am done with myself as well. Dont take this as me giving up hope, I am still hopeful, I just do not hope humanity will save themselves anymore. It is clear to me humanity does not have the ability to save itself. My current hope is that somehow the rest of the word can continue surviving humanity, until humanity is put in check. Dont act shocked it will happen it is a natural cycle. Most people are living in fear of global warming, I am hoping, for the human race and all life on earth's sake, it happens before we destroy anymore biodiversity. Only a diverse plant can survive and ice age. I am not saying humanity is a lost cause I have every ounce of my faith placed in the self-centered race. It is just that humanity can not continue to survive, in a long term sense, without some kind of major reality check. Also ice ages suck CO2 out of the atmosphere and we as humans rely on oxygen, but give off a ton of CO2. So while I may be cynical it is just directed at humanity's blind "independence," I have hope unending for our planet. It is not bad, I mean it is not even really cynical. If you think about it, it only seems cynical because humanity thinks it is above the natural cycles and laws of planet earth. Humanity can be saved, but the only thing to save it would be considered a catastrophe. I call it population control. Jack pines need a disaster, a fire, to survive and humanity needs an ice age. It is not cynical it just is not misguided, "stop global warming," bullshit. Yeah we need to stop polluting but not to stop the ice age, we need to stop polluting because space on earth is limited and we are changing the atmosphere faster than life can adapt. An ice age would be a big change but our CO2 levels would plunge and adapting to cold air is a lot easier than adapting to a lack of breathable air for all species, although I am sure there is a machine in the works right now to mass produce oxygen. If we fight mother nature much longer we will have to pay for our air.

Its happening again.

I can only hope that the answers will come to me in my sleep.

I remember walking into a pizza place at around three in the morning with somebody I seemed to know quite well and a sense of urgency. I remember talking to the hostest about a table, "she said wait right there," as she motioned to a comfortable looking bench, to my friend she said, "come with me." Suddenly I was alone and I went to the bench and sat down. I was in an instant aware of how exhausted I truly was. I sat there and became concerned with the current situation, began to feel as though something was not right. I remembered running, running all day, but there was something more, something I could not remember. The lights went out, but I just fell asleep. I woke up to someone grabbing my sholder and dragging me towards a van, or a bus, it is unclear. I resist, it is in vain. Ultimately I find myself in what is now clearly a van, but I am not alone. There are two guys in the van as well. Their faces are bloody and contorted, their bodies appear deformed, they do not talk. I stare, I cannot stop staring at them, they stare back matching my gaze in intensity. The van ride is bumpy, uneventful, long, the whole ride I stare, and they stare back. I study their movements, trying to remember. The van stops, the doors open and we are led into what appears to be a large warehouse. we walk through the front door, there is another building inside, smaller, but still intimidating. Inide there is another building tucked away in the back corner, the room is filled with deformed contorted people, we are led inside. the feeling is that of a preschool, but I am not a child. The walls are beautifully painted and everyone appears to be happy. The whole situation feels completely off to me and I can not stop staring at the building in the corner. Suddenly I feel a push on my back and the door closes behind me. I turn around there is no door, I am trapped in this placebo happy-preschool place. I wander about and try to talk to people... no one says anything, I ask again and again, "do you know what is going on? Why are we here? etc." The only replies I get are meaningless small talk. I become concerned not only is this place off but the people here are off as well. I sit and I stare at the bulding in the corner. I decide I need to get inside of it. I walk over to it, realizing I need to be sneaky, I try to look innocent. I reach the building, the instant I put my hand on the doorknob, the door opens. I find myself face to face with someone I know quite well, the person at the resturant. I recognize them, but I could not tell you their name. Memories flood back, I know where I am, why, how long I have been there, everything. It does not matter that I remember because over her shoulder, I see the answers. It is a grusesome scene. In my dream I puked. There were bodies of people sliced open autopsy style hanging from the cieling in rows. There were large bins along the wall, labeled "Heart: type AB pos," "Brain: IQ:120-130," etc. There were large clear cylinders filled with blood labeled by blood type. The entire room was covered with blood, the familiar face in a white labcoat splattered with blood there is a large syringe in one of her hands. Yet her presence comforts me and I find myself sobbing and giving her a hug, she hugs me back, or maybe she is just giving me that shot she says, "shhh, it will all be over soon." I wake up in the psuedo happy room. The familar face is sitting in front of me, I am sitting with a group. I get up and walk to a large fake tree, I climb it, sit, and listen to the familiar face speak. She is asking us questions asking if we rember things, I remember everything, I say nothing. For some reason I believe that remembering is not a good thing.
Not really sure what is going on with that dream, but it was really vivid, and it keeps playing in my head over and over again. The only thing I could say that vaguely relates is a book called coma, but I havent read that since junior year of high school. I am really confused. I got about three hours of sleep last night... awesome.

I keep looking

I am running out of places to look. There is just nothing there. I am beginning to feel like I am out of options. You know how when you lose something, really lose something, you check all the logical places. Then you check all the places it would never be, like the freezer. Well I am past that. I am at that place where you keep checking all the places youve already looked, hoping what you are looking for will have suddenly materialized, and when its not there you get disappointed. Unfortantley this is not going to end with me reaching in my pocket and realizing I had it all along. Is it? No, that would never happen, in real life with something that actually mattered. Would it?
Whoa! I think I just figured out how to figure out how to find it.

...

I am looking for something. I cannot seem to find it. It is killing me, I feel its absence when I never even felt its presence. I do not think I lost something, but I know I do not have something. I do not know what I am even looking for, or where to look. I am really really really sad about it, but I do not know why. It is seriously killing me. I mean I am happy but really I am not, not right now. I am lost maybe. I feel so... blank? I definitly do not have purpose, motivation, or goals anymore. I mean I am not pathetic I have goals not sucsess orientatied goals though. My goals are like, "dress like a bum and try out matresses." I just do not know what to do with my life anymore. I use to know, but then I realized it dosent matter what I do, no one will ever even care. So now I am kind of like fuck it, but with a purpose. hah it makes sense. right?

I do not even know anymore, really

So its like I have no motivation or passion anymore. Everything I am doing seems extremely trivial. Maybe. I have never had passion for chem or for school or shit like that, but for as long as I can remember I have had passion for biology and the outdoors and books, but it seems like I have lost it recently. I mean I have been sitting in the library since 11:40 staring at biology notes refusing to study them. I shrugged it off and decided to work on a paper about "The road less taken," this is what I got, "In life there is always a choice that needs to be made." This is not cool. I should be able to shoot off a paper about Robert Frost in like 15 minutes. I have no motivation. I mean I do not want to be here, really. I like it I guess and I want to learn, but I hate being told what to learn about. I am not scared of flunking out. Actually, I kind of want it to happen as an excuse to try an alternative to college. At the same time if I dropped out of college I kind of know I would be pretty much screwed and disowned so I continue to halfheartedly attempt to be studious. It is like I have this choice of college or "happiness," but the second choice is truly impossible and I am kind of happy with the first. If that makes sense. I am not saying I hate college, I love college, I hate structure. No, no, it is not even structure, I hate not being able to do what I want to do. I hate the thought of being stuck in one place for four years, without the ability to truly pursue my "passions" that may or may not exists. It is like right now I could be in the mountains in California but I cannot go because I need to go to college and when I do not have college I cannot go because I need money for college. It is like a prerequisite for life. I am just so sick of feeling stuck and I can not even get away for the weekends anymore because I do not have the gear, and I forgot my tent because I brought it home for winter break and did not even use it, my bike is in storage, and all my friends are actually drinking buddies. I am just sick of doing what I am told. I do not even fucking know what I am talking about. I just feel like I am in a daze and people keep pushing me around making me do shit, and I do it and its not to say I do not enjoy it. I just do not enjoy having to do it. I feel like I am everyone's tool. Fuck.

World stopping realization

The only thing I will ever know is that I will never know a single thing.

I need to learn to say no.

Apparently I said I was available to do a phone interview I was totally unprepared for in the middle of chem lecture. Apparently I have a financial hold on registering for next semester. Apparently I owe the school a couple grand. Apparently I have to finish a scholarship application by Friday. Apparently I have two exams on Friday. Apparently I have to attend a movie night Friday. Apparently I signed up for live learn lead this weekend. Apparently I have to work Saturday and Sunday. Apparently I have to read numbers for bingo on Sunday. Apparently I have two papers due on Tuesday. Apparently the money in my bank account is being sucked away. Apparently I do not have two grand to get my hold lifted. Apparently my fear of commitment did nothing but bury me in commitments.

My "religion" in a nutshell

The big bang, spontaneous generation, and evolution/natural selection are the only things I truly believe in anymore. The universe contains 400 billion billion stars many of which are the center of solar systems similar to our own, this is believed to be true. That means life was just a one in 400 billion billion chance. Steep odds but Earth just happened to have all the elements life needed to exist. Somewhere during the planet's formation the right chemicals were stewing around and maybe they were hit by an electrical storm, which were believed to occur often in pre-fossil record earth, and the amino acids formed into nucleic acids and life just became. Spontaneous coincidence. I mean with 400 billion billion stars one of the planets orbiting one of the stars or one of the moons orbiting one of the planets orbiting one of the stars was bound to get lucky and play host to what is known as life. Anyway after life became a prokaryote was eventually consumed by a slightly larger prokaryote. When not fully digested, a mutualistic relationship was formed eventually leading to the eukaryote. The eukaryote grew, adapted, mutated and branched away in many directions, each direction growing adapting and re-branching. This resulted in all the things currently living in our biosphere. Ideally evolution would continue unchecked. I guess this is were the religion comes in. I can either believe that it was just random luck that the Human race developed complex thought out of sheer coincidence or I can give credit to some mystical being. As of now I consider it random because there is evidence that many other species have developed forms of complex thought. They can solve problems, use tools, form hierarchies, etc. True, no other species has evolved to the point of philosophy, art, or religion, but maybe we just have not waited long enough. I think it is cool that I think I have figured it out but the thing is I want to believe in a creator. Unfortunately to do so would be to believe that this creator somehow set evolution in process just to create the human race. This is a thing I can not believe because all species continue to adapt and evolve, if the human race was the ultimate goal, natural selection should cease. Yet it is cleat that only the "fit" seem to survive in the natural world. Evolution is continuing to occur even in the human race. So if there is a creator, I can only believe in them if they A) did not choose homo sapien sapien as their ultimate goal or B) started off this project, "earth," got bored and left. Both theories are highly unlikely, way less believable then random chance, and not very comforting. So my religion is to remain in a state of suspended disbelief. It is funny I started this blog denouncing the randomness of the world only to find further truth in it. Regardless I am still not happy and plan on continuing this search for higher power, no matter how depressed it makes me.

Theres so many colors without the dirty window

Sun, a chemical reacting ahead above then gone behind, and thus are days and time and our movement/spaces are defined. We finish in the dark.

I never should have been set free

I think I fucked up and I think I fucked up on purpose. I got all this freedom when I went to college and I think I abused it. I want to live fast, but I do not want to die young. I think I need to be, "responsible." Maybe it is just bad luck, but I think it is more, I think it is the last ten months catching up to me. In tangible ways like money, academics, and relationships, but also in like karma, luck, and mental stability. I do not even know. One thing goes right for me and it seems like ten things go wrong, it is like this uneven balance. I mean I am just complaining but honestly why does everything have to go wrong at once. I really thought I had stuff sorted out, like I really really thought I was in the right place. A month ago I was done with all this identity, purpose, meaning crisis shit, but its back and its pretty intense. Its not just bad luck something is wrong, something is unbalanced. I hope I can fix this. I want to get back to that good place, because being confused and despondent sucks. I mean I honestly thought I had it all figured out, but I can not ignore the fact that it obviously is not working. I mean something is wrong, getting worse. I am legitimately worried about this, like worried for my life. I just need to like regain my footing. Shit, this does not sound like I want stability does it?

blog

So my eyes hurt and the thought I need to convey needs to be slept on. Normally they do not make to much sense, but if I tried to explain this right now I would sound insane.

The earth is my mother

It was referring to the exhibit, but it applies to earth. An evolving planet continues a non-evolving planet ceases to exist. Every living thing is connected through evolution, life has an origin, we have a common ancestor. We are evolving and we will continue to evolve, for if evolution ceases, life will soon cease as well. The planet is constantly changing and the life on the planet whether aware of its habitat's changes must adapt to them. Evolution is the only thing that makes sense to me anymore. It might be the only thing I believe to be true, I hope that is not sad as it sounds. At any rate, I think it is time for a change in major. Bye ecology, hello evolutionary biology.

Constant over-exaggerated significance

I do not think it is a coincidence, anymore. I am still just going to ignore it.

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So last night I blogged over my phone, this is what it sent:
Monday, March 1, 2010
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Chicago is meh as I predicted, maybe it is the self fulfilling prophecy, maybe I am to cool for Chicago. That second part was a joke. I think the problem is the people I am with are way to content hanging out in the hotel room. I mean it is 9:18 Chicago time it takes us twenty minutes to a half hour to get downtown, but still we sit in the hotel room doing nothing. Like it matters when we go downtown, no matter when we get there no one is going to want to do anything that is not super cliche touristy. I think this means that I have changed, I use to write it off as everyone else changing but I think these people have not changed at all, maybe is it possible that it is just me?