Reason, season, or a lifetime

Happy birthday mom. You would have been 54 on Saturday. I cannot even begin to imagine you as a 54 year old. I guess I want to just thank you for everything you did for me when you were still around. I was eleven, it was nearly 10 years ago the last time I saw you. It doesn't feel like it, but at the same time it almost feels like you were never there. Not in like a bitter way, well maybe a little bitter, but more like I cannot imagine my life with you around. I feel guilty sometimes when I think about how happy I am with the way my life has turned out, knowing it would have probably been different if you were still around. Would I have gone to Summer camp? It was originally just a distraction from your death. If I did not go to camp, would I have gone to Northern? I do not think I would have known it existed. If I did not go to camp and I did not go to Northern I do not think I would have worked at camp. If I did not work at camp or go to Northern I would not have began rowing. If I did not work at camp I would not have been inspired to travel. I would not have gone to Colorado, I would not have gone to California, and I would not be going to Washington. Without the people I have met working at camp, I find it unlikely that I would have found the drive to apply for The Peace Corp. Where would I be in life with you? I remember when the question was the opposite. I have had people tell me that you would be so proud of me. Would you? Or would me being away just make you anxious? Would I even be the person I am if I had you still? Or would I be more attached to Flint, more attached to your embrace? Would I even be anything to be proud of? It makes me feel like shit to think that if you were still around, I would be less happy, because when you left I thought my world was over. I do miss you. I honestly no longer think of you everyday, but when I do think of you it is only the best things and it still hurts when I remember that I will never see you again. I wish I could say everything happens for a reason but it doesn't, your death sucked but maybe it was a push I needed to break free, maybe I would have either way. I will never know and you will never know the me that everybody thinks you would be proud of. If there is some sort of after life out there for you, I hope it involves reincarnation, I hope you are a bird. I got my free spirit from you, so maybe I was always going to be flighty, just like you. I miss you, I love you, I wish we could still know each other, but do not worry about me, I am doing alright.