lingering thoughts

I am terrified, scared to death, but I am just going to keep on pretending that I have everything under control. When I think about my life and what it means I want to vomit. When I try to legitimize who I am, I come up short. When I look for higher purpose I am left with the feeling that ultimately, in the grand scope of existence as comprehensible by the human mind, any impact I have will be comparable to plucking a single leaf from a tree in a forest. I have no purpose, may never find a purpose, but long for nothing more than to be indispensable. This is the flaw in complex thought, this is the birth of a higher being. "Give me something to live for and I will blindly believe." My mind is capable of asking complex questions about the structure and purpose and meaning of existence, but my soul is incapable of accepting the cold logically sound and scientifically heavily supported truth that can be summed up eloquently in the phrase, "shit happens." Nothing happens for a reason, everything is some complex aftershock of a not fully understood event. We know matter can neither be created nor destroyed, so how can we live each and every day unable to explain existence. How can I justify brushing my teeth every morning to rid my teeth of something that has no scientific or logistical base to exist? How can I spend twenty years learning things that can ultimately never be proven true? How can I form connections with people whose life in comparison to an eternity are short and irrelevant? Why do these questions hang around in my head?