Spark notes

I have determined my biggest personality flaws, or traits, I guess they are not necessarily flaws. I am over competitive. I need constant and obvious validation from other people. I am extremely needy. And finally I need to be constantly entertained at both a small and large scale. Starting from the top with my highly competitive spirit, I have a need to be the best at everything that interests me, not everything I do, but everything that I want to do. I have this insane need to be on top all of the time. I believe this can be attributed to, as many of these traits can be, my status as the youngest child. I was born into a world of people with far more skills and privileges than I. Disadvantaged because of my age I had to fight for many things. Being second or third best at so many things, forced me to be highly determined and competitive. Which leads in perfectly to my need for validation that I often seek out through attempts at becoming the best. I almost immediately look up to any person I become friends with, unless there is a very obvious age difference, that makes it clear that I am older. I need their validation, instantly, I need to know that they know that I am worthy. This could be why I come off as arrogant to a lot of people. Its not because I truly think I am incredible, it is because I want other people to think I am incredible. Again this is not because I am arrogant, this is because I want to be indispensable in a persons life, because I am so needy. I am unsure where the neediness came from. This one I think is far more complicated and has a lot to do with the nontraditional structure of my family. With three half siblings and one full sibling, I grew up living with only one sibling and did not feel as though I was an important part in the lives of my other siblings, and they were not an important part in the lives of each other. Than as I grew people were taken out of my life at times for good or for long periods of time, this hurt me and left me rather unsure of my worth to others. I think because people fell out of my life so often as a child, forced me to seek constant affection from other people. This makes it really painful for me to lose friends and boy friends, because I invest so much of emotions into trying to keep them around. I am afraid of being left behind, I am terrified of being forgotten. This kind of transitions poorly into my constant need to be occupied or entertained. It almost contradicts it to be honest. For very similar reasons to those stated above I have a low tolerance for sameness. This applies to very short term, like over a course of a day, I constantly need to have something to do, and if not I get rather depressed. It also applies to much longer time frames, like a semester for example. I start to get extremely antsy and sick of the routine and even sick of the people I hang out with, which usually leads me to shift my core group of friends at least momentarily. This also causes me to freak out in relationships, I hate the feeling of comfortable, because I think it is going to lead me to get stuck. I need to be constantly amused with new experiences or I start to feel trapped and flighty and I get really stressed out. This is an explanation for why I can not stand Flint, as I see so many of my friends and family stuck here. This is the reason I have a hard time calling someone my boyfriend, because ultimately boyfriend leads to settling down. So entertain me, validate my existence, give me hugs, tell me you love me, and stay in my life. For the love of god, do not leave me.