The truth

Collegiate varsity student athletes are unfairly held in superior status to collegiate club athletes. Speaking from the perspective of a club athlete with varsity athlete friends, it is unfair that we as club sports are often thought of as second rate, not competitive, or "recreational." A serious club sport, such as rowing at NMU, practices six times a week. This is on par with many varsity sports or slightly less. Varsity sports however have reserved spaces for practice, team rooms, coaches, and trainers. As a club sport we have to fight to use a public gym or other public space, we have a coach to run practice for us only sometimes, and we have to work around the schedules of our athletes. As a club sport we do an excessive amount of travel for regattas and training. Varsity sports also spend a large amount of time on the road. However there is another important contrast to be made here. Varsity athletes ride comfortably on buses and planes driven by a hired person. As a club sport we pack into 15 passenger vans and take turns driving. When the varsity athletes arrive at their hotel, we arrive at the gym. Varsity athletes shower and relax in bed, while we spread out sleeping bags and crash on the floor. At the beginning of a season a varsity athlete is handed a schedule, while a club athlete spends hours working together with teammates to make a schedule. What is handed to varsity athletes by all of the behind the scenes administrators, club athletes need to prepare for themselves. And perhaps the most impressive reason that club athletes should be held in greater regard is that we are given no scholarships, no uniforms, no Nike shoes, and no equipment. In fact while every Varsity athlete at Northern receives free text books, many receive scholarships, and none pay anything to compete, I find myself paying. Paying for travel, paying for use of the athletics facility, paying for equipment, paying for use of a dock, uniforms, regatta entry fees, and spring training. All of this on top of tuition, rent, food, and textbooks. Unlike Varsity athletes the majority of club athletes have to hold down jobs to pay for all these things on top of practice, class, and competitions. As a dedicated athlete, who rows with an extremely dedicated group of people. I find that I am not overstepping my bounds in any way, when I say that a club athlete puts forth as much, if not more effort, to compete than a varsity athlete. We both work hard on the field, we both work hard in out studies, but club athletes also have to work hard to finance their desire to compete, and coordinate the things necessary to compete. I used to want to be varsity, but now I have come to realize that being a club athlete, has been, and will continue to be a more rewarding and challenging experience, than I would receive as a pampered member of a varsity program. I row club, not because I am not "good enough" for varsity, but because I am better than varsity.

lingering thoughts

I am terrified, scared to death, but I am just going to keep on pretending that I have everything under control. When I think about my life and what it means I want to vomit. When I try to legitimize who I am, I come up short. When I look for higher purpose I am left with the feeling that ultimately, in the grand scope of existence as comprehensible by the human mind, any impact I have will be comparable to plucking a single leaf from a tree in a forest. I have no purpose, may never find a purpose, but long for nothing more than to be indispensable. This is the flaw in complex thought, this is the birth of a higher being. "Give me something to live for and I will blindly believe." My mind is capable of asking complex questions about the structure and purpose and meaning of existence, but my soul is incapable of accepting the cold logically sound and scientifically heavily supported truth that can be summed up eloquently in the phrase, "shit happens." Nothing happens for a reason, everything is some complex aftershock of a not fully understood event. We know matter can neither be created nor destroyed, so how can we live each and every day unable to explain existence. How can I justify brushing my teeth every morning to rid my teeth of something that has no scientific or logistical base to exist? How can I spend twenty years learning things that can ultimately never be proven true? How can I form connections with people whose life in comparison to an eternity are short and irrelevant? Why do these questions hang around in my head?

Spark notes

I have determined my biggest personality flaws, or traits, I guess they are not necessarily flaws. I am over competitive. I need constant and obvious validation from other people. I am extremely needy. And finally I need to be constantly entertained at both a small and large scale. Starting from the top with my highly competitive spirit, I have a need to be the best at everything that interests me, not everything I do, but everything that I want to do. I have this insane need to be on top all of the time. I believe this can be attributed to, as many of these traits can be, my status as the youngest child. I was born into a world of people with far more skills and privileges than I. Disadvantaged because of my age I had to fight for many things. Being second or third best at so many things, forced me to be highly determined and competitive. Which leads in perfectly to my need for validation that I often seek out through attempts at becoming the best. I almost immediately look up to any person I become friends with, unless there is a very obvious age difference, that makes it clear that I am older. I need their validation, instantly, I need to know that they know that I am worthy. This could be why I come off as arrogant to a lot of people. Its not because I truly think I am incredible, it is because I want other people to think I am incredible. Again this is not because I am arrogant, this is because I want to be indispensable in a persons life, because I am so needy. I am unsure where the neediness came from. This one I think is far more complicated and has a lot to do with the nontraditional structure of my family. With three half siblings and one full sibling, I grew up living with only one sibling and did not feel as though I was an important part in the lives of my other siblings, and they were not an important part in the lives of each other. Than as I grew people were taken out of my life at times for good or for long periods of time, this hurt me and left me rather unsure of my worth to others. I think because people fell out of my life so often as a child, forced me to seek constant affection from other people. This makes it really painful for me to lose friends and boy friends, because I invest so much of emotions into trying to keep them around. I am afraid of being left behind, I am terrified of being forgotten. This kind of transitions poorly into my constant need to be occupied or entertained. It almost contradicts it to be honest. For very similar reasons to those stated above I have a low tolerance for sameness. This applies to very short term, like over a course of a day, I constantly need to have something to do, and if not I get rather depressed. It also applies to much longer time frames, like a semester for example. I start to get extremely antsy and sick of the routine and even sick of the people I hang out with, which usually leads me to shift my core group of friends at least momentarily. This also causes me to freak out in relationships, I hate the feeling of comfortable, because I think it is going to lead me to get stuck. I need to be constantly amused with new experiences or I start to feel trapped and flighty and I get really stressed out. This is an explanation for why I can not stand Flint, as I see so many of my friends and family stuck here. This is the reason I have a hard time calling someone my boyfriend, because ultimately boyfriend leads to settling down. So entertain me, validate my existence, give me hugs, tell me you love me, and stay in my life. For the love of god, do not leave me.

realization

Looking back, it is amazing that I have made it this far, I am finished with my Junior year of college. I look back and I only remember the good times. Here's to at least three more semesters in Marquette!

Remember me?

I have no idea who I am. I have no idea what I am doing. I remember what I used to be. I have changed a lot, again. Hopefully you will like this new me better than the old new me.