Stressed

I love my end of semester stutter.

Going Home

Expectation: I walk into my clean house to a warm welcoming greeting from my dad. He tells me how much he misses me and how proud he is of me, for being captain of the team, for getting promoted at work, and for trying so hard in school. He then offers to co-sign a student loan to remove some of the burden from my shoulders. Then i need to go shower because we are all going to go out together, Anthony is on his way home. Dinner was delicious and we had a great conversation about goals,my dad is really excited about me going to California for the summer, and he thinks it is an awesome opportunity and he is totally behind my desire to study abroad in Australia, he is going to do everything he can to help out. I go home and sleep happily in me bed. The next day is a big family thanksgiving everyone puts aside their differences and we have a wonderful dinner the lions game is one and my dad offers me a beer. We all sit around and talk, and it starts to snow. The rest of the weekend I spend time with my friends from high school, and go visit a few of the people I used to work with. We catch each other up on our lives. We all have great stories to tell. I go shopping with my sister, we talk about everything catch up, just like old times. When it is finally time for me to leave I don't want to go, hard to say goodbye. But I have to leave and I let them know I will be back soon.
Reality: My dads not even home, the house is for lack of a better word trashed, there is shit cluttered everywhere, I am starving and there is nothing in the fridge to eat. When my dad comes home we half ass talk, he focuses on all the things I fucked up. Refuses to co-sign for me and tells me that I should get a real job instead of working in California. I don't even mention how I want to study abroad. I don't see Anthony the entire time I am home. My sister only calls me to babysit, as a favor. I don't see Craig, or any of the kids. Realize I have no High School friends and the people I used to work with are far to busy for me. Thanksgiving either doesn't happen at all or we go to my racist aunts house and I do shots of whiskey in the bathroom until I stab myself with a fork so we can leave. When its finally time to go I am waiting at the end of the driveway, so ready to leave, upset that I will have to be back so soon for Christmas, but worked it out so I will only be there for a week.

Theres your first mistake.

When everything's made to be broken

I think i just need to push through. I may not have everything i want or everything i need but i have a disgusting amount of pride and i will not let other people be better than me. Even if they have a better situation or more focus. There is not a single person on this planet with more determination and stubbornness than I. When i say Im going to do something i do it. I push and i do it.  This is not anyone else's fault there is no fault involved, this was a choice i made and while perhaps it was not the the best choice, it was not the wrong choice. There are no wrong choices in life just poor follow through. No matter how shitty a situation this becomes the fact of the matter is that i brought myself here and have the knowledge and skill necessary to find my way out. Yeah it sucks, and its goingvto be painful and potentially miserably unhealthy at times but i am going to figure it out with or without outside help. This is operation eat, sleep, get shit done. I am going to catch the fuck up in class, finish strong, find a better job, and drop my split to a 2 flat. It will happen, no matter what it takes. I have gotten through worse. Goodbye alcohol hello whey protein. Goodbye bars hello library.

Still hurts

Every time someone compliments me on those earrings or that necklace or my tattoo, I die a little bit on the inside. But I smile and say thank you, and pray they do not ask where I got them or what it means. Need to stop thinking.

And the stairs that you could climb are the ones you've left behind

I feel like I am being really needy lately but I am not happy for prolonged periods of time. I am happy for moments, for discrete periods of time. But in between these bursts of happiness I am sad, really sad. And its not strange and its not weird its obvious to me why I am sad, and it fucking sucks. Its everything I run from, everything I have been trying to avoid. I am sad because I do not belong anywhere. I do not feel invested or connected to anyone or anyplace to want to stay. I have no one, I have nothing, and it is really starting to hurt me. I thought falling in love, getting attached, and investing myself were the things that would end up hurting me, keeping me somewhere I didn't need to be. Yet, it seems the opposite is happening. I just want someone to care about me, and I know that sounds like I am ungrateful, or stupid because I know there are people who care about me, who genuinely want me to be happy and successful, but that just is not what I mean. I want something more than my family members who have not tried to call me in just around a month, I want friends who I am unable to lose touch with, I want more than just a fuck buddy party head. I want the sister who used to call me everyday. I want a dad who comes up here to winter proof my house. I want a mom that never ends a conversation without saying, "I love you." I want friends I feel I can tell everything to. I want siblings who want to visit and tear up the town. I want a best friend who knows how I feel without asking. I want to be able to tell a guy I love them, not just as friends, or when I'm drunk. I just want to start over somewhere new.