Life goals

Ive been so vauge lately, that I do not even know whats up. It is time to be painfully specific. Painful, because I dislike having a plan it messes up that super chill vibe I got going. It is necessary though because, like I said, I do not even know what is going on and I keep confusing myself. Heres the breakdown.
This is my "plan"
This summer I will be working in California, next summer I hope to have an internship in Alaska.
I am going to graduate from college, most likely Northern. My degree is enviromental science biology emphasis with a potential Outdoor rec minor. I should get this done in four and a half years total, give or take a semester.
After this I will be heading out to find a mannual labor park service job, hopefully pretaining to conservation and management. Something along the lines of firefighting would be fine by me, even better would be a rescuer position.
Depending on my experience with this I will then attend grad school after a year or a few, possibly in colorado potentailly anywhere. The only stipulation being it canot be where I went to college or where I just finished working. Grad school is not a fer sure. Grad school topic of study is up in the air.
After grad school I will get another job NPS most likely depending on what I got to grad school for.
These are my "goals"
Visit Tibet and climb some mountains.
Pacific crest trail.
New zealand/ Australia.
Europe(England for sharky).
Get published.
Attend Burning man.
Swim in the ocean.
Fly on an airplane.
Appalachian trail.
Summit Denali.
Summit many more.
Amazon.
Disapear for a year.
Skydiving.
See the seven wonders.
Africa.
olympics.
Take action.
Run a marathon, marathons.
Trans-Siberian Express.
So much more.

A breif summary

End of the year report: A. L. Chavez
There has been a lot of change this year in my life, big changes, bigger than I am use to dealing with. My entire perspective on life shifted over the summer, it was already sliding in that direction but I finally made the realization that it was right and I can not be happier on how it has been working out. I decided that life was not about anything, it is just about living. Leaving your mark, success, happiness they are all just perks of living of life, they aren't goals, just sweet bonuses. I finally made the decision that experiences are the only thing to care about. This simple switch in perspective has changed my life this year more than I could have ever imagined. As a direct result I have switched my major, began applying for summer jobs out west, joined the crew team, took up running, and have never missed an opportunity to try something new.
I am learning what is important in my life. It is clear to me now that I am nowhere near the person I was in high school, because everyone I knew in high school does not really get me anymore. I know that I am better than I ever was; morally, physically, emotionally, mentally, and intellectual. Losing all those people hurt me at first but I can not move forward if I am anchored to the past. However the relationships I am building right now are incredibly important to me, and I will try to keep them from ending how the last ones did.
I have discovered the source of my unhappiness as the hostility I feel towards my old self and from people, places, things that know me as that. Its not to say I do not like what I was, contrary I feel as though it was a necessary step to arrive at where I am headed. I just feel as though I have finally grown up.
As far as the future is concerned this will be my last extended stay in Flint, Michigan. I will not be back for spring break and I will not come down once school has ended for more than a week, then I will be headed west this summer, and do not plan on coming back to Flint as more than a stop on my way to Marquette, and once I am back there I wont be home again for awhile.
I will no longer try to initiate things with people who shoot me down, I am not going to force people to have me in their lives, but I will give effort to stay in the lives of those who invite me.
I will run a half marathon by this time next year.
I will have a relationship with a guy that I will allow to be validated and I will not freak out as soon as it develops and end it.
I will no longer try and mush all the people I am related to together and try and make them care for each other I will love them all separately while they continue to hate each other.
I will invest in my education, even as I find it more of just stalling, since I do not plan on using it much when I graduate at least not for the first few years. My GPA will be more presentable.
I will continue to buy things that I want when I want them and get tremendous use out of them. I will not waste my money on useless things that I think I want and will never use.
I will continue to live my life based only on the value of experiences. I will shoot for my goals and take as many side trips along the way as I possibly can. Life is not a race, I will take my time, mess up constantly, and go the wrong way as often as possible.

I am sorry?

Why do I not I have any friends here anymore? I do not understand what I did.

Sometimes, Life is shit

How did I go from generally happy to constantly depressed? I think its this lattitude. I cant believe I have had to pretend to be happy.

Marquette

I want to go home.

The shoulders of giants

Define success.

Run

I need somewhere to get a good workout. I hate Flint.

I am not original

Fold your wings, you'll need them more one day.

Christmas

I am just not feeling it this year.

cause

Give me something to fight for.

Success

One day I hope I will be brave enough to throw away my goals and live my dreams.

All the leaves are brown and the sky is grey

Mittens are a bit confining.
This summer,
I am going West.
California?

This is me promising myself. I will be going west whether I have to go alone or not. I will not be living in Michigan this summer. I will be going west.

One foot

I want to make some new footprints.

Dont slow down.

I was just attempting to type a blog about how saying, "live life with no regrets" is ignorant, because a life with no regrets would be perfect and perfection cannot exist, in fact, it cannot even be comprehended by the human mind. Then I realized that a perfect life would not be a life with no regrets, but a life with no mistakes. Not making any mistakes is impossible. It is, however, possible to not regret those mistakes. I guess I never really got this until right now. Live with no regrets does not mean to not make mistakes. By all means make mistakes, make plenty of mistakes, and do not pretend like they are were the right decision either. Make mistakes acknowledge the fact that they are mistakes, but instead of hating yourself for making them, appreciate them. The fact is that at some point in time that mistake is exactly what you wanted, there is no need to regret it. Enjoy it. Take the consequences it brings. Learn from it. Continue living. Continue living, with no regrets and continue making wonderful mistakes.

Home

When I actually want to be there I cant be. Funny, more like depressing.

The most wonderful time of the year.

PORTER, Colleen Rae - Of Flint, age 44, died Thursday, December 11, 2003 at her residence.
Sometimes, seven years isn't even enough time to get over or forget something. It always feels like it happened yesterday. My most vivid memories are also the most tragic. I will never know what could have been, and it kills me. It kills me to think of what certain things would be like with you, but at the same time I know, nothing would be close to the same. I love you and I miss you, and I will always feel like I am missing something, but I am happy right now. Not at this very moment, but in general I think I have worked a bunch of things out. All these problems that were thrust into the light when you were removed from it, are on their way to being solved. You left me with unanswered questions, but when you left me I decided to find the answers, and I am a little bit grateful for that, but to be honest I think I would give everything up, if that seven years could be six, five, or maybe zero. I love the way my life is turning out without you, except it will always be without you, and I will always resent that a little bit. I will always resent my life a little bit, because you are not in it. I love you, everything about you, I could not ask for a better mother. I will never forget you and I will never stop being grateful to you. Please never, if there is some kind of afterlife, rest in peace. Continue to be the free spirit you were and have inspired me to be. I love you.

Dear Liver,

Did I ever tell you that I love you? I love you. Don't quit on me babe, after this weekend you will have a nice long break.
Sincerely, Angie's alcohol soup of a brain

Hot mess

Lets see if I can sum up my life in a fairly legible paragraph instead of pictures, blogs of one sentence, or blogs directed at people who do not and probably will not ever read my blog. I honestly do not even know where or how to start. That sentence actually does a nice job of explaining my life. you know what, fuck paragraphs, they're to hard to make flow and this one is already horribly structured. We are going to do this list style.
I. Exams were brutal, I survived, but I really need to get serious about my education. I am an environmental science major now, I hope that will be motivational or something.
II. I have become addicted to the gym I go everyday or I feel completely weird, it makes me feel anxious going home, because I do not have a gym membership there.
III.I just want a relationship that is slightly less detached then the ones I have been starting and sabotaging.
IV.I am not really sure how I feel about seeing my family, but I really hope we can work some things out, so I leave on a good note.
V. I am not sure who my friends are right now, especially in Flint, I feel like I have lost touch with a lot of people I used to know. I do not really know who I will be hanging out with when I am home.
VI. Money is an issue, but with a lot of paper work, and a lot of verbal abuse from my dad I hope I can work out my finances.
VII. I am not really feeling up for Christmas this year, and I do not know why. I hope that changes, I really do enjoy Christmas.

Please.

Stop blaming other people, it is a hundred percent your fault, you fucked up. Grow up and fix it, I am not judging you for fucking up, we all fuck up. I am judging you for wallowing in self pity and trying to get pity from me. I know things get hard, you just have to push through. I will help you, I will support you, but I can not drag you along and if you make me stand by and watch you fall further I am going to walk away. I can only give you so much, you have to save yourself. Fix this, I know you can.

The future

I really want to fast-forward my life. I am looking forward to break but I know I will be bored within the first week and December is always a rough month for me, to many memories. I would like for it to be next semester already. Next semester is my shot at a semi-fresh start. I could really use a break though. One exam Monday, three on Tuesday, work both days, celebrate on Thursday, Flint on Friday. Finish strong.

In so many ways

Almost there, do not trip at the finish.

Sorry, but I think this is right.

I am sick of hurting each other. We are not seeing each other on a one to one basis anymore. I think I am actually ready for something... real? And we both know that it is not going to happen with us. I will always love you, but not like that.