Do what you have to

It is funny when stuff in my life starts to work out for me I find something else to be depressed about. It is like I do not want myself to feel happy, careless. I get out of the dark and I am like why is this so great. There is always something wrong, always something that can be better, always something I do not know. So I cheer up and I think to myself why the fuck are you so happy and then just think of all the reasons for despondence and I go hurling back into my cycle. Careless days, reflected upon every evening resulting in a shitty night of something like sleep and a hollow feeling until the sun comes up. I feel like maybe I can not function without this, maybe everyone feels this way, everyone who thinks at least. Maybe this makes me cynical, but I think it is the opposite a cynic is always pissed at something, I am never angry. I am only depressed because I still have hope, hope for me, hope for the planet, hope for humanity. Maybe it is naive but without it I would always be depressed always be a cynic, but with it I only feel ashamed at night. Now at the same time I could be happy all the time, if I was completely ignorant of the world, of my own emotion, of my own thoughts, ideas, and dreams. My conclusion is it is okay, maybe even normal to feel this way. Do people not say we would not know happiness if we were always happy?