Flow

A river is simply water moving down a slope as a result of gravity. The environment the water travels through may change dramatically, but the water never stops flowing. The headwaters of a river may look like tiny creeks from melting patches of snow along a ridge and the mouth a vast estuary, hardly resembling its start, yet the river is one. Through the mountains the water flows. Through the forests, the plains the water flows. Through the city, neighborhoods, and countryside the water flows. Over cliffs the water falls, cascades, but never does it cease its flow. The water flows under sheets of ice, around rocks, over logs. The water flows tirelessly carving into the earth leaving its mark in the canyons, the oxbow lakes. We can dam the rivers but the water continues it flow, over our walls, eventually building the force to take the wall down entirely and any amount of stagnancy we were able to fake all comes rushing at once, flowing, beating, moving forward relentlessly. You may stand in a river and in thirty seconds standing in that same water is an impossibility, the water will not cease its flow to linger around you ankles. Time is so much a fluid, so much a river. Flowing. Life is defined by time and fluid in the very same way as minutes and rivers. Life is not defined by huge life altering events, for these are very few. Life is so much a fluid, so much a transition. You graduate from High school, vacation in Italy, land an internship, graduate from college, land a job, get a promotion. Those events add to three weeks, being generous. What did you do for the other 205 weeks? Cease to exist? So much much of our life is spent not being able to wait for (insert awesome thing here). I am currently the worst offender of this, refusing to move fluidly through me life, I had my mind made up to live the next 6 months of my life as though they did not matter. I have already said multiple times that I cannot wait until February. In order to correct this mindset, that is ultimately wasting 6 months of my life, I am pledging to embrace the fluidity of life and take full advantage of the free time I have stumbled into. These next 6 months will be just as meaningful to me as any other moment of my life. After all nobody looks at a river and values it for individual liters of water. We look at a river as a river and when I look at my life it will be as one whole constant stream of experience. Each one fading into the next, a moment never fading before a new one comes into existence. My life has no beginnings no endings. No hellos and no goodbyes. Like a river flowing to the sea, the words in a run on sentence, the minutes in a day, fluid. A river is fluid. Time is fluid, life, existence.

Sentimental

Sure I will have a degree in four weeks but I think the most important things I have learned in college were less than directly related to my coursework. This is a list of what my four years as a wildcat have taught me. 1. I may not be as celebrated or as highly regarded as a wolverine or spartan, and I may tell you I attend NMU, and get, "Why New Mexico?" as a response, but there is a certain quiet pride to the green and gold, to not seeing every other person wearing my school's colors. A wildcat is exclusive, a wildcat is proud, and a wildcat is humble. 2. Expect the unexpected. Just because it is 75 degrees and sunny in December does not mean the winter will be mild, in fact if there is still snow on the ground mid April, the most seasoned yooper will hardly bat an eyelid. 3. It is not conducive to one's mental health to visit Walmart on a Sunday. 4. If somebody cares about you, they will let you know. If somebody does not care about you, it is not worth it to trip over yourself trying to gain their approval. Turn to the person who is letting you know. 5. The sound of waves breaking on the beach, the wind shaking the leaves and needles of every branch in every tree, and the local bluegrass folk reggae fusion band are more beautiful then the top 40 artists headlining at major universities. 6. People in this world are amazing, tell them good morning and give them a smile. A positive attitude and kindness can brighten up the grayest of winter days. 7. Never start drinking when it gets dark outside. Yeah sure, in August it gets dark at 10pm, but in December it gets dark at 4pm. 8. The end will never justify your means. Never suffer doing something you are not passionate about, in order to gain something you think you want. Do what you love and never stop. The means are the end. 9. Don't skip a commitment to lay in bed to mope and don't stay up late every night on the internet. Do skip the occasional "important thing," to check out a new hiking trail or get in a round of cliff jumping and stay up late for that Aurora Borealis, meteor shower, or beach bonfire. 10. When that guy in a suit, that woman in glasses, that older relative, or person somehow in charge of you questions your collegiate/career goals. You look them in the eyes and say, "I respect your opinion, but I got this." 11. Craft beer is worth your money. Always 12. Never say no when you mean yes, always say yes when you don't know.

pomp and circumstance

Everybody always seems to bring up graduation in conversation. Graduation, the end of an era, the end result of four years of hard work. Graduation is a new beginning, graduation is an end. It is crazy how hard it is for me to wrap my head around the idea that I will no longer be able to answer, "what do you do?" with, "I'm a student." I have no desire to attend grad school at anytime in the foreseeable future, that makes my final exams my final exams. Will I never sit in a lecture hall again? Will I never again stay up all night working on a homework assignment? Will I cross the Mackinaw bridge for the last time in my life? With the realization that that the ties holding me to this city will all snap in 33 days, is there a spot in my future for Marquette, when there was not a spot for Flint only four years ago? Every conversation I have had ends in the inevitable and expected question, "what's next." A simple question that expects a simple answer, yet somehow, the hardest question I have ever been asked. However, I find the answer I give rehearsed, although genuine. I know how to answer, the reality, my life, my future. I give my articulate accurate true response, and on more than one occasion a reply comes, "wow, moving fast, you're going to miss it." Moving fast? Why do so many graduates take time off immediately following graduation? Free for the first time in their lives and they feel compelled to work minimum wage and delay. I am not rushing, I am just refusing to stall. That degree will not be a crowning achievement for me, college will not be the best years of my life. I will not mope for months after walking across that stage in search of purpose. Yes, I enjoyed myself. Yes, I believe that there will be aspects of the experience that I will think of fondly, but to be honest, those four years were just a couple of hoops I had to jump through. It was the second to last shackle on my ankle, and the only shackle remaining, I feel confident in my ability to drag along with me. I can chip away at my debt slowly, but it is not holding me back, it is not holding me in Marquette. I am confident in my future. I am terrified of my future. But if there is one thing I know about life, it is that the longer a person delays something they want to do, the more reasons they find to not do it. Humans are creatures of logic and risk is risky, sometimes you just have to do it. So if I am rushing, it is because being idle is not a thing that comes to me easily, it is because I didn't come to the edge of a cliff to stare at the water. I am excited, antsy, nervous. I am nostalgic, accomplished, terrified. I feel a sense of pride not only with what I have done, but with what I will do. I am going to do what I have said I would do all along. I am ready. I am not looking back.

Speck

I bought a winter coat in high school. Brown, heavy fabric, faux fur lined, it fit my personality at the time. I remember buying it, it cost me nearly a hundred dollars at The Buckle, which may or may not be BKE now? Anyway the point here is that the woman who checked me out, was chatting about how much she liked the jacket as well, and how high quality it was, basic stuff retail employees are suppose to talk about, and she said at one point, "Yeah, it will probably last you forever, the last jacket you'll ever need to buy." Two weeks into my freshman year of college I bought a 300 dollar North Face. The moral of the story is vague, but ultimately, "the last jacket I would ever need," is sitting in my closet down state gathering a fine layer of dust. This is a round about way of of arriving at the cynical sounding point of this post, nothing is forever. Growing up I remember countless instances of talking about, "when we're older," with multiple different sets of best friends forever. I remember talking about going away to the same universities and trips we would take, "we'll go sky diving," "stand atop Mt. Rainer," "Drive to the coast." I remember promising to always keep in touch, exchanging addresses, and promising that nothing would ever change between us. Things change and I have lost touch with almost all of the people I made those promises to, there are a couple of exceptions, people I haven't lost touch with and I mean beyond the occasional like on Facebook, but these people I can count on one hand. And things are not the way we said they would be. I honestly believe this is the way things generally go, it is the reason high schools host reunions or used to at least, it is to see where everyone has gotten themselves in life. But eventually people stop going off in the world, they stop losing touch, they establish, reconnect, and they buy the "last house they'll ever need." People start to landscape, plant trees, buy pools, renovate, and invest. This is the permanent address I am so often asked for on forms. I can't see it. I don't want it. My friends are one by one falling into careers. I asked someone how long they planned on working at their new job, and they told me, "until I retire." I nearly puked. I have worked seasonally for my entire life and I see no solid reason to quit living my life this way. Temporary employment, temporary housing, temporary coworkers, and temporary friends. I think that is just the life I am suited for. I will just live seasonally until I find a reason to do anything differently. I have no desire to own a home, or a car, or really anything. Nothing is permanent, it is just an illusion of human perception. I could own a home on a plot of land that I also own, but when I die it just goes to somebody else anyway right? Just like my friends, when I leave they just go to somebody else. I might as well just be as fleeting as everything else is, no matter how hard we attempt to believe it is not. Human life is insignificant. The existence of the human species is insignificant in the scope of time. The existence of planet earth is insignificant in the scope of time. And you are worried about edging your lawn? I just do not have the time or energy to invest in staking out a temporary claim of temporary goods on a temporary planet. Id rather just borrow everyone else's stuff and have the best time I can, while it lasts. Your future is getting shorter by the second.

Reason, season, or a lifetime

Happy birthday mom. You would have been 54 on Saturday. I cannot even begin to imagine you as a 54 year old. I guess I want to just thank you for everything you did for me when you were still around. I was eleven, it was nearly 10 years ago the last time I saw you. It doesn't feel like it, but at the same time it almost feels like you were never there. Not in like a bitter way, well maybe a little bitter, but more like I cannot imagine my life with you around. I feel guilty sometimes when I think about how happy I am with the way my life has turned out, knowing it would have probably been different if you were still around. Would I have gone to Summer camp? It was originally just a distraction from your death. If I did not go to camp, would I have gone to Northern? I do not think I would have known it existed. If I did not go to camp and I did not go to Northern I do not think I would have worked at camp. If I did not work at camp or go to Northern I would not have began rowing. If I did not work at camp I would not have been inspired to travel. I would not have gone to Colorado, I would not have gone to California, and I would not be going to Washington. Without the people I have met working at camp, I find it unlikely that I would have found the drive to apply for The Peace Corp. Where would I be in life with you? I remember when the question was the opposite. I have had people tell me that you would be so proud of me. Would you? Or would me being away just make you anxious? Would I even be the person I am if I had you still? Or would I be more attached to Flint, more attached to your embrace? Would I even be anything to be proud of? It makes me feel like shit to think that if you were still around, I would be less happy, because when you left I thought my world was over. I do miss you. I honestly no longer think of you everyday, but when I do think of you it is only the best things and it still hurts when I remember that I will never see you again. I wish I could say everything happens for a reason but it doesn't, your death sucked but maybe it was a push I needed to break free, maybe I would have either way. I will never know and you will never know the me that everybody thinks you would be proud of. If there is some sort of after life out there for you, I hope it involves reincarnation, I hope you are a bird. I got my free spirit from you, so maybe I was always going to be flighty, just like you. I miss you, I love you, I wish we could still know each other, but do not worry about me, I am doing alright.

Proud to be.

Maybe it is just the kind of people that I associate myself with, but it seems like there are a lot of anti-American Americans. I don't think there has ever been an act of ignorance and hypocrisy that has frustrated and upset more. Whenever I hear somebody say, "I cannot wait to get out of this country," I get filled with a rage so intense. It has gotten to the point where I call them out on it no matter how good of friends we are. Yes, there are so many things in our country that I do agree with, so many things. However, I will probably always be a United States citizen and I have a great list of reasons why you should be too. First off, you fucking hit the lottery, congratulations you live in the freest of free countries, just that fact that you can ignorantly tell me how much you hate the US is a testament to how free we are here. Would you like to own property? Go for it! Are you a woman? Sweet! Black? No problem! Gay. Don't worry were getting there! Are you convicted of a crime? innocent until proven guilty. Are you hungry? Food stamps. Are you hurt or injured? You will be put in stable condition regardless of insurance and soon heath care might be free and universal. Do you feel like you have been treated unfairly? Sue. Do you disagree with our government, feel that changes need to made? Form an interest group, petition a congressman, vote, run for Governor, protest. You tell me you hate the united states and you cannot wait to leave? Why would you leave? Why not put the effort in to change what you find wrong with our country? Why would you run from a problem that you can help solve? Fixing things wrong with the US will help fix similar things that are wrong abroad. The United States has and always has been a progressive nation, there are things very wrong with our government, our economy, our energy consumption, and our foreign policy , but leaving will not get you away from it. The United States is too influential. If you want to get away from what is wrong with our country, you are what is wrong with our country. You spoiled delusional American with no motivation to change, using your freedom as an American to have a healthy childhood and a good education, and then running, from a country that gives you that freedom to effortlessly board an airplane. In America we have a wave of progressive thinkers pushing for equal rights for everyone, we have towns existing carbon neutrally, we have towns that have broken from the economy and print and utilize their own money, we have people who bike everywhere, we have scientists working to cure cancer, we have scientists developing green energy, we have grassroots movement for organic agriculture, we have some of the most beautiful natural areas, we have the money and luxury of funding national parks, we have diversity, we have people that believe the same things you do, and we have the freedom to benefit from all of these things. Before you leave our country I just want you to take some time to put things into perspective. Why not move somewhere within the country, why not fight for change where it matters. Yes Sweden is very ecofriendly but global warming will effect them equally if you run there instead of fighting to stop it here. People who hate America are simply perpetuating a stereotype of the wasteful, overweight, uniformed American. I can look past this stereotype, I can look past the way we are portrayed and I am willing to help change our nation, change the world view on our nation. While I cannot say that I am proud of this stereotype, I am in fact proud to be an American and I do realize and appreciate how lucky, how truly privileged I am to have been born here.

One mans trash

Growing up, my dad always said, "Why are you so destructive?" He would also call me "reckless" and I remember him telling me one day the summer of my freshman year of college after I had accidentally removed all the skin from my left ankle and a good chunk from my right leg that he was absolutely certain I would die in some sort of accident before I was thirty. He was kidding, but there was an unmistakable tinge of actual belief in it. I have been told again and again that I need to stop taking to many risks, that I am a liability, that I am destructive. For a little while I felt bad about it, I mean why do I have to take everything apart, tear things to shreds, and repeatedly injure myself on accident? But then my roommate called me destructive as I was burning things with a lighter, she asked me why I always do it. And when I answered I figured I out, I said why not? Don't you ever just want to know what would happen? Don't you ever just want to see for yourself? I had my answer, I'm not destructive and I'm not reckless, I am just curious. I just want to know what happens. I want to push boundaries, in essence I am just a more intelligent 4 year old. Maybe you want to know if the ice can hols your weight, I'll just walk out and check. I am not patient enough to wait for answers and I am to driven to take, I don't knows or, "That's just the way it is," and forget about it. I want to know, I need to know, and I will make sure I know. With that being said, at the root of my destructive behavior is the connotation of the word, "destruction." The behavior others view as destruction is not destruction it is creation and creation is destruction and destruction is creation, they are one in the same, it is all just a matter of perspective. Northern Michigan University just created a new parking lot, but in process they destroyed a green area. It was both, they are the same, to create fire, we destroy trees. To create steel we destroy ore rich rocks. To write, we destroy paper. Destruction is a way to bring something new about, it's about rebirth from chaos, its starting over, its not clinging to the past. Destruction brings an end to stagnation an end to systems acting imperfectly. Destruction is the ultimate creation. Destruction is revolution. We destroyed slavery and created equal rights, destroyed unjust taxation, destroyed unfair dictation, destroyed unfair dictators and it is time we destroy again. A whole lot of things need to be destroyed in order for a whole lot of better things to be created. We need to destroy our ideals of infinite growth, destroy our dependence on fossil fuels, create a fair world, create alternative energy. I want so badly to destroy so many things, because that destruction is the only thing that will save us from our selves, for if we continue to to create without destroying, we are essentially placing new additions on a burning building. So I take those who call me reckless and destructive and thank them for they are essentially praising me on my creativity and drive.