pomp and circumstance

Everybody always seems to bring up graduation in conversation. Graduation, the end of an era, the end result of four years of hard work. Graduation is a new beginning, graduation is an end. It is crazy how hard it is for me to wrap my head around the idea that I will no longer be able to answer, "what do you do?" with, "I'm a student." I have no desire to attend grad school at anytime in the foreseeable future, that makes my final exams my final exams. Will I never sit in a lecture hall again? Will I never again stay up all night working on a homework assignment? Will I cross the Mackinaw bridge for the last time in my life? With the realization that that the ties holding me to this city will all snap in 33 days, is there a spot in my future for Marquette, when there was not a spot for Flint only four years ago? Every conversation I have had ends in the inevitable and expected question, "what's next." A simple question that expects a simple answer, yet somehow, the hardest question I have ever been asked. However, I find the answer I give rehearsed, although genuine. I know how to answer, the reality, my life, my future. I give my articulate accurate true response, and on more than one occasion a reply comes, "wow, moving fast, you're going to miss it." Moving fast? Why do so many graduates take time off immediately following graduation? Free for the first time in their lives and they feel compelled to work minimum wage and delay. I am not rushing, I am just refusing to stall. That degree will not be a crowning achievement for me, college will not be the best years of my life. I will not mope for months after walking across that stage in search of purpose. Yes, I enjoyed myself. Yes, I believe that there will be aspects of the experience that I will think of fondly, but to be honest, those four years were just a couple of hoops I had to jump through. It was the second to last shackle on my ankle, and the only shackle remaining, I feel confident in my ability to drag along with me. I can chip away at my debt slowly, but it is not holding me back, it is not holding me in Marquette. I am confident in my future. I am terrified of my future. But if there is one thing I know about life, it is that the longer a person delays something they want to do, the more reasons they find to not do it. Humans are creatures of logic and risk is risky, sometimes you just have to do it. So if I am rushing, it is because being idle is not a thing that comes to me easily, it is because I didn't come to the edge of a cliff to stare at the water. I am excited, antsy, nervous. I am nostalgic, accomplished, terrified. I feel a sense of pride not only with what I have done, but with what I will do. I am going to do what I have said I would do all along. I am ready. I am not looking back.

Speck

I bought a winter coat in high school. Brown, heavy fabric, faux fur lined, it fit my personality at the time. I remember buying it, it cost me nearly a hundred dollars at The Buckle, which may or may not be BKE now? Anyway the point here is that the woman who checked me out, was chatting about how much she liked the jacket as well, and how high quality it was, basic stuff retail employees are suppose to talk about, and she said at one point, "Yeah, it will probably last you forever, the last jacket you'll ever need to buy." Two weeks into my freshman year of college I bought a 300 dollar North Face. The moral of the story is vague, but ultimately, "the last jacket I would ever need," is sitting in my closet down state gathering a fine layer of dust. This is a round about way of of arriving at the cynical sounding point of this post, nothing is forever. Growing up I remember countless instances of talking about, "when we're older," with multiple different sets of best friends forever. I remember talking about going away to the same universities and trips we would take, "we'll go sky diving," "stand atop Mt. Rainer," "Drive to the coast." I remember promising to always keep in touch, exchanging addresses, and promising that nothing would ever change between us. Things change and I have lost touch with almost all of the people I made those promises to, there are a couple of exceptions, people I haven't lost touch with and I mean beyond the occasional like on Facebook, but these people I can count on one hand. And things are not the way we said they would be. I honestly believe this is the way things generally go, it is the reason high schools host reunions or used to at least, it is to see where everyone has gotten themselves in life. But eventually people stop going off in the world, they stop losing touch, they establish, reconnect, and they buy the "last house they'll ever need." People start to landscape, plant trees, buy pools, renovate, and invest. This is the permanent address I am so often asked for on forms. I can't see it. I don't want it. My friends are one by one falling into careers. I asked someone how long they planned on working at their new job, and they told me, "until I retire." I nearly puked. I have worked seasonally for my entire life and I see no solid reason to quit living my life this way. Temporary employment, temporary housing, temporary coworkers, and temporary friends. I think that is just the life I am suited for. I will just live seasonally until I find a reason to do anything differently. I have no desire to own a home, or a car, or really anything. Nothing is permanent, it is just an illusion of human perception. I could own a home on a plot of land that I also own, but when I die it just goes to somebody else anyway right? Just like my friends, when I leave they just go to somebody else. I might as well just be as fleeting as everything else is, no matter how hard we attempt to believe it is not. Human life is insignificant. The existence of the human species is insignificant in the scope of time. The existence of planet earth is insignificant in the scope of time. And you are worried about edging your lawn? I just do not have the time or energy to invest in staking out a temporary claim of temporary goods on a temporary planet. Id rather just borrow everyone else's stuff and have the best time I can, while it lasts. Your future is getting shorter by the second.

Reason, season, or a lifetime

Happy birthday mom. You would have been 54 on Saturday. I cannot even begin to imagine you as a 54 year old. I guess I want to just thank you for everything you did for me when you were still around. I was eleven, it was nearly 10 years ago the last time I saw you. It doesn't feel like it, but at the same time it almost feels like you were never there. Not in like a bitter way, well maybe a little bitter, but more like I cannot imagine my life with you around. I feel guilty sometimes when I think about how happy I am with the way my life has turned out, knowing it would have probably been different if you were still around. Would I have gone to Summer camp? It was originally just a distraction from your death. If I did not go to camp, would I have gone to Northern? I do not think I would have known it existed. If I did not go to camp and I did not go to Northern I do not think I would have worked at camp. If I did not work at camp or go to Northern I would not have began rowing. If I did not work at camp I would not have been inspired to travel. I would not have gone to Colorado, I would not have gone to California, and I would not be going to Washington. Without the people I have met working at camp, I find it unlikely that I would have found the drive to apply for The Peace Corp. Where would I be in life with you? I remember when the question was the opposite. I have had people tell me that you would be so proud of me. Would you? Or would me being away just make you anxious? Would I even be the person I am if I had you still? Or would I be more attached to Flint, more attached to your embrace? Would I even be anything to be proud of? It makes me feel like shit to think that if you were still around, I would be less happy, because when you left I thought my world was over. I do miss you. I honestly no longer think of you everyday, but when I do think of you it is only the best things and it still hurts when I remember that I will never see you again. I wish I could say everything happens for a reason but it doesn't, your death sucked but maybe it was a push I needed to break free, maybe I would have either way. I will never know and you will never know the me that everybody thinks you would be proud of. If there is some sort of after life out there for you, I hope it involves reincarnation, I hope you are a bird. I got my free spirit from you, so maybe I was always going to be flighty, just like you. I miss you, I love you, I wish we could still know each other, but do not worry about me, I am doing alright.

Proud to be.

Maybe it is just the kind of people that I associate myself with, but it seems like there are a lot of anti-American Americans. I don't think there has ever been an act of ignorance and hypocrisy that has frustrated and upset more. Whenever I hear somebody say, "I cannot wait to get out of this country," I get filled with a rage so intense. It has gotten to the point where I call them out on it no matter how good of friends we are. Yes, there are so many things in our country that I do agree with, so many things. However, I will probably always be a United States citizen and I have a great list of reasons why you should be too. First off, you fucking hit the lottery, congratulations you live in the freest of free countries, just that fact that you can ignorantly tell me how much you hate the US is a testament to how free we are here. Would you like to own property? Go for it! Are you a woman? Sweet! Black? No problem! Gay. Don't worry were getting there! Are you convicted of a crime? innocent until proven guilty. Are you hungry? Food stamps. Are you hurt or injured? You will be put in stable condition regardless of insurance and soon heath care might be free and universal. Do you feel like you have been treated unfairly? Sue. Do you disagree with our government, feel that changes need to made? Form an interest group, petition a congressman, vote, run for Governor, protest. You tell me you hate the united states and you cannot wait to leave? Why would you leave? Why not put the effort in to change what you find wrong with our country? Why would you run from a problem that you can help solve? Fixing things wrong with the US will help fix similar things that are wrong abroad. The United States has and always has been a progressive nation, there are things very wrong with our government, our economy, our energy consumption, and our foreign policy , but leaving will not get you away from it. The United States is too influential. If you want to get away from what is wrong with our country, you are what is wrong with our country. You spoiled delusional American with no motivation to change, using your freedom as an American to have a healthy childhood and a good education, and then running, from a country that gives you that freedom to effortlessly board an airplane. In America we have a wave of progressive thinkers pushing for equal rights for everyone, we have towns existing carbon neutrally, we have towns that have broken from the economy and print and utilize their own money, we have people who bike everywhere, we have scientists working to cure cancer, we have scientists developing green energy, we have grassroots movement for organic agriculture, we have some of the most beautiful natural areas, we have the money and luxury of funding national parks, we have diversity, we have people that believe the same things you do, and we have the freedom to benefit from all of these things. Before you leave our country I just want you to take some time to put things into perspective. Why not move somewhere within the country, why not fight for change where it matters. Yes Sweden is very ecofriendly but global warming will effect them equally if you run there instead of fighting to stop it here. People who hate America are simply perpetuating a stereotype of the wasteful, overweight, uniformed American. I can look past this stereotype, I can look past the way we are portrayed and I am willing to help change our nation, change the world view on our nation. While I cannot say that I am proud of this stereotype, I am in fact proud to be an American and I do realize and appreciate how lucky, how truly privileged I am to have been born here.

One mans trash

Growing up, my dad always said, "Why are you so destructive?" He would also call me "reckless" and I remember him telling me one day the summer of my freshman year of college after I had accidentally removed all the skin from my left ankle and a good chunk from my right leg that he was absolutely certain I would die in some sort of accident before I was thirty. He was kidding, but there was an unmistakable tinge of actual belief in it. I have been told again and again that I need to stop taking to many risks, that I am a liability, that I am destructive. For a little while I felt bad about it, I mean why do I have to take everything apart, tear things to shreds, and repeatedly injure myself on accident? But then my roommate called me destructive as I was burning things with a lighter, she asked me why I always do it. And when I answered I figured I out, I said why not? Don't you ever just want to know what would happen? Don't you ever just want to see for yourself? I had my answer, I'm not destructive and I'm not reckless, I am just curious. I just want to know what happens. I want to push boundaries, in essence I am just a more intelligent 4 year old. Maybe you want to know if the ice can hols your weight, I'll just walk out and check. I am not patient enough to wait for answers and I am to driven to take, I don't knows or, "That's just the way it is," and forget about it. I want to know, I need to know, and I will make sure I know. With that being said, at the root of my destructive behavior is the connotation of the word, "destruction." The behavior others view as destruction is not destruction it is creation and creation is destruction and destruction is creation, they are one in the same, it is all just a matter of perspective. Northern Michigan University just created a new parking lot, but in process they destroyed a green area. It was both, they are the same, to create fire, we destroy trees. To create steel we destroy ore rich rocks. To write, we destroy paper. Destruction is a way to bring something new about, it's about rebirth from chaos, its starting over, its not clinging to the past. Destruction brings an end to stagnation an end to systems acting imperfectly. Destruction is the ultimate creation. Destruction is revolution. We destroyed slavery and created equal rights, destroyed unjust taxation, destroyed unfair dictation, destroyed unfair dictators and it is time we destroy again. A whole lot of things need to be destroyed in order for a whole lot of better things to be created. We need to destroy our ideals of infinite growth, destroy our dependence on fossil fuels, create a fair world, create alternative energy. I want so badly to destroy so many things, because that destruction is the only thing that will save us from our selves, for if we continue to to create without destroying, we are essentially placing new additions on a burning building. So I take those who call me reckless and destructive and thank them for they are essentially praising me on my creativity and drive.

Bring it back

I want to do this. I want to blog again. Can that be a new years resolution? A late one? I didn't have any of those this year so I feel like it would only be fair to get one now. I resolve to resume blogging, to pick up where I left off, to shock the internet with my wisdom and life experiences. I'm joking. Maybe I should also resolve to be less conceited and not drink so much? Can I have a new month resolution? I feel as though short term goals are more realistic and far easier to visualize. I should also resolve to read this chapter on. "Marine Provinces," that I am avoiding by this blog. Is it ever annoying when people post their resolutions on Facebook or, "knocking out 2,000 words of this paper tonight?" I find it pretty annoying, but I understand why it is done. People with public resolutions, people who announce their diets, and people who keep us constantly updated on their need to stay in and do homework, do so because they lack self motivation. They need the world to know their plans so that someone will hold them accountable. It is not because they are confident or proud of their decision it is because they know if there is nobody to judge them, to say, "Hey aren't you on a diet?" they will fall back into their old habits. They will fail. To some extent this is all of us. To a larger extent I would like to believe that it is not me, but when I started my application for The Peace Corp, the first thing I did was let Facebook know I was working on an application. I did this because subconsciously, somewhere I knew that people would say, "Hey how is that application going?" And no matter how much I panicked or got nervous while filling out the application, I would have to finish it. And because they were mentioned, New years resolutions, time is relative and it is sad when people wait around for the new year to accomplish something. But hey, somebody hold me accountable for this oceanography homework, please?

2013

I have a thought, not quite a theory, on human nature. In particular my individual nature or tendencies as a human. I mean I am speaking directly from personal experience and drawing a bit of support from the recent anthropology course I took last semester, but the thought is mostly influenced by the way I feel and things I notice. Anyway, it is my thought that humans are natural vagabonds. I feel like the need for belonging is just a misunderstood need for travel. I feel like in High school I really wanted to fit and maybe its because Ive grown up or maybe its because Ive tasted it, but now I don't really care if I truly, "fit in," because I view everything as temporary. It is the instinct of all animals to move when resources are depleted. It is a survival instinct to move on to find more food. This instinct, this mechanism for society has been lost as a consequence of modern main stream society. We do not move in order to survive, we wait, we wait for more to survive. We trust blindly in a system we do not understand to deliver all we need. Humankind became sedentary directly as a result of a need to care for crops once agriculture was developed, but as the farms moved from being single family sustenance farming to huge corporate commodity farming, people had already become too lazy to move anymore, too established. And now that they were so established they felt a need to fit in, to make friends to plant roots. Humans are now looking for reasons to stay somewhere, so they can cope with being no longer to move freely. It is a tragedy really, or maybe it is really far fetched (more likely), but it makes me feel better to think I'm following a natural instinct that is just buried in so many. I cant stay, four years has made me antsy. I got through it because I spent my summers exploring new places. I got through it by telling myself, "you just have to graduate and then the world is yours." I have never been one to go back on a promise and because I will receive my degree in May. I will be heading to the beautiful Olympic Peninsula in Washington this summer to act as a wilderness trip leader for the girl scouts of Western Washington pending an interview on Thursday. And in September pending medical clearance I will be leaving the country going somewhere (vague, I know) to teach environmental conservation via the Peace Corp. It is my intention and goal to update this blog periodically if not often in relation to this massive journey I am about to embark upon. I guess this sums up where I am at and how I feel right now. I guess what is really cool about it is that I am just getting started while so many I know have fallen for the need to fit, to get careers, to establish. I am just getting started, I am 21 and I am ready to cut ties and start over, over and over again.