The future aint what it used to be.

I don't know what to say to make any of this make sense. I feel like I am chasing somebody else's dream, accomplishing somebody else's goals, and pursuing somebody elses passion. Four years of study has taught me that I hate Biology. Four years of academics has shown me that I do not want to waste my time "learning." And it doesn't even matter. I will walk in May, but I doubt I am ready.

Sustainability

The level of confusion I feel towards my life has never before been at the level it has reached in these past seven weeks. I normally have a breakdown right about now, because I am starting to feel trapped and insignificant, but that happened last weekend, someone got a lot of really sad and pathetic text messages to deal with. This time though its not because I don't know what to do with my life, or that I'm stressed about money, or I wonder what it would be like to have a unbroken family, or I'm overwhelmed. All these things are true, but I could not care less about them right now. My eyes have been opened, my world has been shattered, and nobody else seems to care or notice or even hear me out. Anyway where I am right now I am worried about the future, but the future is not what it used to be. I am worried about peak oil and economic collapse. I am worried about coping with a future that nobody has seen coming, a future that is too late to avoid, the end of growth. The human race has been promising and striving for infinite growth in a finite world. This is a problem. You see nature exists in a cyclical fashion, while human growth is linear. We transform resources into waste and do nothing with the waste. I used to worry about climate change and protecting the environment, but honestly, financial collapse and a global energy crisis will slam us first. Its rough to explain, but then end of the story is that, I have been wasting my time in college and the future we were promised is not a possibility. And now I just do not know how to continue living my life. I am currently in a stage of depression, denial, and self pity. Why must I deal with the mistakes of people before me? More to come.

In the air

There is something big coming. I wish I had a purpose in life.

Now we've got Something to prove. And I, I can see their eyes, but tell me something, can they see mine? Cause whats left to lose? I've done enough. And if I fail well then I fail but i gave it a shot. And these last three years, I know they've been hard. But now its time to get out of the desert and into the sun; even if its alone. A song has never more perfectly summed up my life. I hate this feeling.

Go Do

Remember when success was effortless? Remember when everything always went as planed? Remember never knowing what failure felt like? Me neither. I have mentally restructured my life philosophy based upon my love for jumping off of things, into things, out of things, and over things. The act of jumping is, even in the most controlled situations, pretty chaotic. A million things could happen, but once the jump starts it has to be finished. Whether the jump ends in the Superior Sea, with a scraped up face, or a summer in California. Jumping is an ultimate commitment, disguised in risk, adventure, and the unknown. Its not about living life on the edge, its about getting the courage to leave the edge. Its about not viewing the edge as an end, but a transition. The summit is nice, but there still has to be a way to get back down. Its running as far as I can and taking four more steps, its about doing it all and then doing it differently. I never want anything to hold me back ever, I never want to have to say, "I would but..." I like to jump, a jump is a change, a quick transition. I don't want to linger, I don't want to delay. There is a risk with a jump, I might not land how I planned, I might not land where I planned, but failure is the best way to learn. I will not let the fear of what might happen prevent me from trying. People are really good at talking themselves out of things, convincing themselves that they do not want something, when they really do. Other people think this is good, they tell each other, "sleep on it." Never sleep on anything. Just live deliberately, immediately. I will not delay my life in an effort to prevent myself from ever feeling failure. I will not protect myself from life.

If you cant remember a better time

Every day I change, my values shift, I become a little bit more. Another summer has come and gone and I find myself stuck in a current, unable to free myself. I lie on my bed in the beginnings of my senior year of college and it is like all of the things that have happened these last 21 years were just hazy dreams. If I take a moment to slow down, I am shocked that I have become who I am, not in a bad way, just shocked that everything that has happened, has. Its been a while since last Ive posted a blog, but that is due mostly to the lack of reliable internet this past summer in the mountains, and with that I find it only right to describe some of my summer in Northern California as an ice breaker for what will hopefully be my transition back into blogging. And so the rant that was my summer can begin where my summer began on the train.
It was my first time on a train and remember feeling incredibly excited and curious as to how we were expected to live on a moving string of little trailers for three days. I was initially impressed with the size of the train and then even more impressed with the conveniences it had with it. Those people with a little more money then me had showers, beds to sleep in, and dined in a restaurant. Even I only holding a 180 dollar coach ticket had a comfortable reclining seat, outlets to charge my phone and computer, running water, a large variety of food, and a gorgeous view of the American west. When the novelty of the train began to wear off it was replaced with an overwhelming feeling of awe due to the natural beauty of the country I was traveling through. Both good and bad, the train was an amazing experience, waiting for buffalo to clear the tracks, traveling through the Colorado Rockies, where no cars go, traveling through the Donner Pass, and just breathtaking views across the entire continent. Yet it filled me with this overwhelming feeling of confinement, to see such things and only being allowed to just see them through a window. It was a strange experience, I could look, but was forbidden to touch, forbidden to even look for more than a second. There was a freedom to stop and travel at my own pace that was hard for me to be denied. And then before I knew it the train ride had ended.
Meeting new people, is always a very awkward and strange experience. Getting off a train and meeting new people 8 states away is an extremely awkward situation. No matter how much you may actually really fit in and have great chemistry with a group of people it is incredibly easy to feel alone and unwelcome before you get to know them. Myself in particular have a very hard time believing that people have time for me and needless to say the first couple days of summer were hard, then after a week it was like I had been there all along. Then becomes the struggle of trying to get to know people that you have met, to progress beyond small talk, to relate. Once you are already, "friends."
What would a blog of California be without a bit on the ocean?
7-18-12
Staring off this cliff. I spot a single man walking down a deserted beach, it is around 8 am. I stare at the man with a puzzled look and wonder if he sees me and returns my confusion. He picks up a large stick and it is clear he does not see me high above him. He begins writing in the sand with the stick now, in huge letters he spells out, "Happy Birthday," all I can think of is how long he walked to wish someone happy birthday.
8-5-12
Sometimes the best feeling in the world is the insignificance I feel when looking out into the ocean. As I watch the waves crash on rocks, the tide come in and dramatically change the terrain of the beach, its hard to feel like anything I do really actually matters. And at some points in my life it would be very deterring to be reminded of my insignificance, but today I am only reminded of the man wishing happy birthday in the sand, only to have the approaching tide destroy it. Why can my mistakes and regrets, not be like his wish to a friend, why not can they be as insignificant as a message written in the sand? Its humbling to watch something so much larger then myself and its comforting to know, the trivial day to day obsessions are not even a drop in the ocean. What I do that matters, changing the life of a kid, helping out a friend, and hopefully protecting our world, will matter. But the trivial things that I have occasionally let get the best of me like a speeding ticket or an overdrawn bank account are nothing more than mistakes written in the sand of an approaching high tide.
The ocean was beautiful, if anything will be impossible to get over, it will be not having the ocean, the coastal fog, the salty air, and the sound of crashing waves.
And finally all good things must come to an end and a summer spent in redwoods and beaches of Northern California is a good thing. Ending was hard and a bit unreal, an experience like no other, that has undoubtedly steered me in a direction slightly different then the one I was heading on before. The people I have met have inspired me to, unbeknownst to them, seriously pursue a study abroad program this coming fall. The experiences I had have inspired me to pursue my career goals no matter how abnormal they are. And above all else it has reminded me why I value personal experience above all else. From jumping out of an airplane, to learning how to surf, to swimming with dolphins, to laying on the roof watching meteors, the experiences I have had this summer, were amazing, and I wouldn't trade them for any amount of financial stability, for any amount of stability in general. I vow to continue living my life by the seat of my pants, paycheck to paycheck and ready for anything.

Home is

After spending a month in the town that would be the dictionary definition of a hometown, in the house I grew up in, I find it necessary to evaluate what exactly the word home means to me. And after doing so, I can honestly say that it holds absolutely no sentimental meaning. The word home to me, simply means a place where I have a bed and a place to shower. Home is a place where I feel comfortable. Home is not where the heart is. I do not consider Flint, Michigan my home, and do not consider Marquette, Michigan my home. I feel as though I have no home, my heart belongs nowhere, and my heart belongs to the millions of places I have never been. Perhaps one day I will find a place where I get that weird mushy sentimental feeling people sing and write about. But for now, having a, "home" seems to me like a thing that would just hold me back. Honestly it seems a bit crazy that a person could become so attached to a place. I haven't found that, but I think that is all for the best. I honestly did not hate my stay in Flint as much as I have in the past and I believe it is because I came to Flint, knowing that I no longer belonged here. I came knowing that just as I have moved on so did those I once held close. I came braced to spend a lot of alone time, I came with a lot of running to do. I felt better here feeling like I was a guest instead of a local. I am glad I came here for a month, and I am thankful for the really good friends I got to see, and I am thankful for the not so good friends I got to see. I know the people who matter to me will always be in my life, no matter where my heart has set up its temporary home. The validation I sought from my hometown, I would now refuse, it would make me very happy to not be associated with this city on a regular basis. For the first time I can say without the bitterness I normally feel, that I cant wait to get out of Flint, not because I hate it here, but because I know without a doubt, that I do not belong here. I am trying to say this in the least condescending way possible, but I am too good to stay in Flint, too good to return to Flint, and too good to use growing up in Flint as a crutch. I deserve more and I will have no trouble getting more. I have yet to find a home and I am okay with that. I really am. Flint was a home at a time in my life, but that time has passed. I am swimming in open water, but I have no plans to return to the shore of the deserted island I left. (That last part was because I can never resist a metaphor).