Decide what to be and go be it.

There was a dream
One day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid, with a head full of doubt
So I scream til I die or the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

I am not who I was yesterday, today. Tomorrow I will not be the person I am today. I am constantly changing, I can not be defined. Life is a process and I am like life, a process, constantly moving in , what I hope to be, a forward direction. All I know is I will not slow down, but I will take my time. I am falling in love with the person I am becoming, and I am falling in love with my self for striving to become that person. It is going to be hard, I am sure, but life without hardships is not really that risky, and life without risk is not really living, it is just playing it safe. I am making a conscious decision to no longer wait for myself to be who I want to be, I have been blaming other things, things that are not me. It was always, "I want to, but I just can not." From now on it is I want, I legitimately want to, so I will, no matter what. My life has no more barriers I do what I want to do, and if I can not do it, I do it anyway. Truthfully, I have been my main deterrent up until this point. It is time to get shit done. I know what I want, and I am aware to get it I might have to do stuff I do not want, but I will do it. Life is a process.

Broke

I feel great, mentally and physically!
Unfortunately,
I need to start being more responsible or some shit. I do not have any money anymore, which means I will no longer be purchasing anything I do not need, and I probably wont be buying much of what I need. I just have to figure out a way to get money from people who owe me money, that would help. I get paid on Thursday but that money is going straight to my credit card bill, because I used my credit card to pay my phone bill. There is also that matter of tuition, maybe I will get it reevaluated again. I do not even know, but I need to pay it soon. I wish I could take out a student loan but fuck I am pretty sure that is not going to happen, I honestly just do not know where I am going to get this money. I owe a grand for the promise scholarship, turned short term loan, and I owe 3,600 in tuition. That is 4,600 dollars, just make it 4,850 with what I owe for the phone. Lets see with my cut hours I probably make about 120 every two weeks I should be able to pay this off... never. Awesome. Anyone want to buy a smashed up cavalier or a Gary Fischer?

Live

If the sky were to suddenly open up, there would be no law, there would be no rule. There would only be you and your memories.

Sore

It is so worth it, all this time I have committed to crew. It is worth it when we are all rowing in time, and I close my eyes. I can row by sound. I hear the boat. The slow recovery up the slide, the click of the oar lock as we square our blades, the faint splash as the blades fall into the water, the sound of our drive in the water and on the slides, another click of the oar locks as we pull up our oars and feather, and back to the sound of a slow smooth recovery. Its all at a constant tempo, a perfect rhythm. It is a song, backed up by the sound of water running under our feet as we glide across the water. It is beautiful. Four or eight people working in complete and total unison it is the ultimate team sport. At the same time it is the ultimate individual, mental sport, because as soon as you go as far as you can go, as soon as you have given it all you have, you have to do two more power tens to cross that finish line. And once that finish line is crossed and most athletes would stop, take a break and stretch, we still have to row back to shore, put that boat up over heads and carry to wherever our trailer is. This sport is amazing.

turning point

I changed my blog title just now. It relates a little bit more to my view on life. I do not remember what "Rejection is Change," meant exactly but I am pretty sure it was pretty cynical and pessimistic. Something about how the only way to change something is to fail. I am not sure, I probably thought it was pretty damn clever. While I am still extremely skeptical I feel as though I am a lot less cynical and a lot more optimistic. I have also quit doing the whole, whatever happens, happens song and dance. I feel like I have taken a more active role in managing my life. The new blog title is from a conscious quote. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step," and for simplicity reasons that is my life philosophy. Basically if I am going to do something I am not going to wait around for confirmation or support I am just going to do it, because I never seem to get that anyway. Everything that is or ever will be starts with one step, and I am the only person who can take that step and I really do not need anyone else to take it with me.

Motivation

I have not gone for a run since Friday, I absolutely have to go tomorrow, end of story.
I really want to do my homework, but I never have any, and I am not to sure how to study. I feel as though someone should teach me.
I did all my laundry, it is sitting on my floor now, if I only had the motivation to pick it up.
I am trying my hardest to save money, but I have way to many bills to pay.

Fuck

I am in debt. Hardcore. I could really use a student loan.