Stress

I want to get something off my chest, I just cant figure out what it is.

Disconnected

Its been awhile since I have left Colorado and the initial joy of returning to Marquette has worn off, the ability to have fun has been outweighed by the need to do well in school, do well on the team, and make and save money. It is that period of time when I become extremely different-location-sick. It is not necessarily that I would like to be back in Flint, or back at camp, but a little of both really. Not so much the location I miss but the people, with Colorado however, I miss the location a lot as well. It is harder than ever I think this year for me to stay in touch with people. I have not had a real conversation with any of my siblings since before I left for Colorado, and I have not really spoken to my dad much either let alone the rest of my family and friends. It is hard not being able to text someone something that randomly pops into my head relating to them and then by the time I can tell them it is forgotten, and it is hard not being able to talk to my siblings, I feel we have grown apart greatly since this time last year. Not to mention how much I miss seeing the people I saw at camp everyday, the people who became really good and really close friends. It is hard when you go from having such a massive amount of support and friendship that is so convenient and accessible, to having a really very inconvenient group, that it is hard to come into contact with. Without my phone it seems plans are really very difficult to make because nobody ever knows where I am and vice-versa. On multiple occasions people have stopped by my house to find me not there and I have biked to countless places and found nobody home. This whole beginning semester blues phase is something I have become highly accustomed to but the lack of ability to find a distraction from it is hard to cope with.

One day...

One day I am going to travel the world. One day I am not going to have to worry about how to pay the bills. One day I will be able to do whatever I want. One day people will look at me and think, "wow, she lived her dreams." One day I will have my shit figured out. One day I will know what I want to do. One day I will find my passion. One day I wont be so sleep deprived. One day I will figure out who I am. One day I will figure out what I want. Today is not bad either, but one day it will be so much better.

Fragments and run-ons

I used to talk to you everyday. I used to get online, because I knew you would be there. Maybe you did not benefit from our conservations as much as I did, but at times you kept me sane, kept me in school. It sucks not talking to you as much, and while I have attempted to replace you, it takes time to tell people everything about yourself, and it takes even more time to trust people enough to actually do it. I miss you and I miss our conversations. Maybe you do not approve of what I have become or what I believe or maybe you feel like I blew you off first. I swear to god I did not. During the school year I am really busy twenty six hours a week at work, classes, practice, and studying, and when I am not busy I spread myself pretty thing amongst my friends, and then I spend my summers with complete strangers, in attempts to meet people who feel and think like I do, and to be in new situations, you know I cannot deal with sameness. But the reason I could do those things was that I knew you would still be there for me, to tell me I am not a fuck up, when I went and fucked something up, to tell me I am not crazy, when I tell you I want to run away, and to give me a reason to stay. And I know I may not have reciprocated that effort that you gave to me back to you, and now after it all, I feel like I cared about you more than you ever did about me. I do not think you ever asked me for help the way I asked you and it kind of hurts to think that maybe you never trusted me. And we are still friends, we still talk, but it is not the same. I will probably never be able to tell you the things I used to, but its not your fault, you were there for me, and you did help me more than you will ever know, and for that I will be eternally grateful, and I will always, without a doubt, be there to help you in anyway that I can if you ever need anything. I have other people to talk to now, a whole new support system, and I just do not want you to in anyway worry about me, or think that I dislike you. I love you, and I love that I was lucky enough to come to know you and meet you, and I sincerely hope we can continue to be friends, even if I am super distant. I really do try to make an effort to keep in touch with people I care about, even if its just a comment on Facebook or drunken rambling at 2am.

Circles

I keep saying, "Oh I will blog more..." but I never do I just keep blogging less and less. But, you know, I thought it was a bad thing at first, and now I am thinking it is a good thing. I used to blog more than daily, but I felt like I had to. There was like a compulsion to blog when I was stressed it made me feel better, it made it easier to sort things out in my mind. I guess now I never really feel compelled to blog anymore. Sometimes I like to see my thoughts out in plain text, because it really does help me to understand myself. But really I do not have to anymore. I am still stressed, so its not me not blogging because I don't have stress to deal with. In fact this is the most stressful semester so far, its also the best one. Maybe I should talk about it more, speak of my adventures, and failures. Maybe I will complain way fucking less and just say exciting things that I do, or at least semi exciting, weekly updates. Ha, yeah right, I will figure it out, and I really will try to blog more, it really does help me articulate my thoughts and gives the five people who read this an insight into my really messed up personality.

vagabond

Hopefully this time next year I can type this blog from somewhere in the South Pacific and it will be way more interesting to read. I think I have made the decision to study abroad! I am really excited just thinking about it, the hardest part is going be to find money but everyone keeps assuring me that there is money out there to be found. Why wait til I finish college to travel? I can do both! No matter what, money is going to be an issue, I would rather have it be an issue somewhere in Australia, Thailand, or Brazil or South Africa. I do not know what has been keeping me here for so long, fear perhaps? I guess as much as I boast about it I have never really been farther than Northern away from home for a long period of time. But I spent an almost completely isolated summer in Colorado and I think that has given me the confidence that I can go anywhere. It is not like anyone is ever around for me to fall back on when I need them, if they were I would be a lot less stressed right now. I cant keep friends so why try, I would rather just keep making new ones and then they can decide where I stand in their life. All of the people I would consider my, "best friends," are miles and miles away, some of them are timezones away, but they are the only people I really talk to anymore. I have a ton of friends up here, but for some reason I see them as temporary. I would rather go hang out with temporary friends overseas. All I need to do is figure out where exactly I would like to go and start my application. California in the summer, who knows in the fall!

The world just chewed her up, and spat her out

Hahaha Shit...
Five dollars in my bank account.
Credit Card maxed.
40 dollars in my pocket.
Pay Day is not for 2 weeks.
Rent, tuition, books, food, dues.

Closing shifts at work.
Five thirty morning practices.
Four classes, three with labs.
BI 310 "hardest class you will ever take."
40 page scientific study.
20 page research paper.

No car, No phone.

These next few months are going to be the hardest of my entire life, it is weird I feel like I should be scared, panicked, or sick to my stomach, but I am not. I am almost optimistic, I have been through a lot and I think I am rather confident that this will just be another thing I push through, and though I may not finish with flying colors somehow I feel confident in my ability to finish. Maybe it is just wishful thinking, maybe it is denial, but I am hoping it is determination.
Now, If only I could come up with a topic for this Independent study...