Unfortunate lecture subject

You know that moment when you realize nothing lasts forever, and that the whole concept of eternity can only truly exist as a concept. How can something fleeting like a human mind comprehend something unending, something that surely can not be proved. I mean not a single person will ever know eternity, we are not eternal. Well whenever that moment happens I think of the alternative, nonexistence and it makes me want to puke, luckily after seven years of hard work I have trained myself to not let my mind wander to these things, yet there is always one subject that starts me down the path of thinking about things that can not be thought about. The big bang, how the universe came into existence, how nothing became everything, the dawn of eternity, of existence. I hate it, I hate trying to remember what it was like to not exist in order to prepare myself for the future when I will no longer exist. It makes me sick, absolutely nauseous. My mind to small, my life to short. I will never be okay with no longer being alive.

Relax

I feel like I am on the verge of something, something great.

Sometimes,

I have dreams where I am friends we people who are not my friends, we would have so much fun if we were friends. Sometimes I idolize people I have only met once, and make it my mission to get them to like me, because they are obviously way cooler, or chill, or hipper, or environmentally friendly, or active, or outdoorsy than I am. If I ever get them to like them me and we become friends, I will then try to outdo them at the thing that drew me to them. I adopt the hobbies or interests that they have that I idolize, whether it be something I do or not. I see them do it, hear them talk about it and I want to do it. It becomes my passion, and obsession all of my attention becomes diverted to it. I make t my mission to be the very best that I can be. Because I know(or think) as soon as I am better at it then they are they not only have to like me, they have to respect me. This is all done extremely passively of course. I am not sure if it works or not, but I definitely so it sometimes. I cannot be sure if it is normal behavior or not, but I am ninety percent positive there's some educated psychological complex name for it.

Exhaustion

I cant even keep my eyes open during an exam. This is ridiculous.

Claustrophobia

Sitting on an airplane with a feeling of euphoria. The plane disappears, and I am falling, still buckled up in the airplane seat. Euphoria is shattered by terror. Now in a panic, I try to free myself from the seat in free fall. I manage to get the buckle off, but it shoots back into place. I unbuckle again, the seat belt is relentless and once again restrains me. I am still falling, still fighting with the seat belt. I look down panic, the ground so close, I brace myself for impact. I crash into the ground in the middle of a desert like landscape, instead of being mangled by the force of impact I pass right through the ground it is sort of water-like. I am no longer attached to the seat and I try to swim for the surface. I hit a wall, change directions, hit another wall, again a new direction and another wall. As I swim in circles trying to get out it becomes apparent that the box has begun to shrink. At some point, before the box gets terribly small, I wake up. However, I still feel like it is shrinking around me.

If I dont remember, dont remind me

The words I slurred out of my mouth, the last thing I remembered. Fitting?After tonight, this is over.

Life:

Its like sometimes shit works out and sometimes shit does not work out, either way it never stops coming, and you still have to deal with it, so stop whining.

Haters gonna hate

I will never have any respect for a person who does not come to me first when they feel I am in the wrong. It hurts my feelings to think that the person thinks I am not strong enough or understanding enough to take criticism, for anyone to view me as that petty is immensely disrespectful. Then there is the fact that you are to scared to tell me I am in the wrong or are not confident enough to confront me says a lot about your personal moral character. If you are that insecure with yourself, your own actions, beliefs, or personality, then you are in no place to critique someone else's. This being stated I have come to the conclusion that if you did not stop what was happening as it was happening, or come directly to me to stop it from happening in the future, you were just out to hurt me, get me into trouble, or destroy my reputation. It is really unfortunate, if you would of come to me in person, I would have profound respect for you, but because you did not, you have lost all respect. Cheers, backstabber, it is probably a good thing I only sort of think I know who you are.

Failed attempts to fly

The idea of it is beautiful, the practice of it is atrocious, and the merit is just not there.

Home?

I hope so.

Good decisions

The amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend was obscene. I wish drunk me would let me start relationships with guys that would be around. Drunk me has a fear of commitment a million times larger than sober me. Drunk me goes for recent grads who go to schools that are not Northern, people I will never see again. My mentality going into Friday night was that it would be the only night of the weekend I would be able to drink, I drank a fifth of captain and got retarded, but it was a chill friend only party so no big deal, goldfish fights, P&A, Viking Warrior, and Mr. Drunk mistake. I will never do a shot out of someone else's mouth ever again. Of course on Saturday night I decided I had to get drunk before and continue to drink at epic dance party, a hall fundraiser for relay, during which my phone blew up with texts about the rugby house, I had to go. Net drinks: 40 of Peebs, Half a fifth of Castilla, and other peoples drinks. Went out with one guy, walked home with other, and hooked up with Mr. mistake, who is headed far far away as we speak. The uneventful party was followed with attending thing-a-thon, part two of that relay for life fundraiser. I sat my drunk ass n the lobby until eight in the morning, sobering up around six. I was loud and obviously drunk, none of the RAs seemed to care, being well liked is a good thing. I would say next weekend would be chill, but I cannot disrespect my minuscule amount of Irish blood. This weekend is a scrabble tournament compared to next.

momentum

The hardest part of my run is not the end, when I am exhausted, its the first 100 feet when I am completely filled with energy. The hardest part is the beginning, gaining the momentum. Momentum is what gets me to the end of a run, the finish line at a regatta. Momentum is how I get things done. Momentum will only exist if it is set into motion. Starting something is all about giving it all you got, a one hundred percent effort for what may be a one percent return, but that one percent return builds and as the effort continues to be made that one percent turns into two and that two yields four, four to eight, eight to sixteen. In no time you are just riding in the wake of your momentum. This is a runners high, this is euphoria during a workout, that moment when your exhaustion turns to energy, where your stress becomes motivation. In life this is when all of your hard work starts to pay off. This is when you are getting A's, getting jobs, being productive. This is when your accomplishments start pushing you to attempt to accomplish other things and in turn those accomplishments push you more. I am riding the wake of my momentum right now. You see momentum is this impelling force that constantly pushes forward all you have to do is set it in motion.

I started sending you a note. Oh how I hope that you’re happy.

I cant believe the number of people I thought I would know forever that I have not talked to in forever. I keep almost reaching out and convincing myself, not to, that people move on, that it would be good for me to do the same. I wonder if any of them think about me, wonder about me, hope that I am doing well, like I do for them. Is it vain to think that the people I will never forget, will in return be unable to forget me? Its irrelevant I guess, I just hope they are happy, I hope you are happy, and I want everyone to know that I am OK, I am happy.

Concrete or dirt, its still a path

I am to vague for myself to handle right now. These are preliminary plans.
Summer plans:
May: Bum around Marquette, perhaps work weekends at CHH(downstate), go skydiving, take a train to Colorado at the end of the month.
June-August 6th: Work at sky high ranch in the Rockies, Explore the mountains on time off, visit pikes peak.
August(Up for debate): Hang around Colorado, hike some trails, Fly home, Move back to Marquette.
Fall Semester:
Classes: American Government, Biogeography, Environmental policy and Regulation, Ecology theory and methods, Introduction to Leisure and Recreation.
Living: House or apartment, Food stamps
Work: Marketplace or the PEIF 20 hours a week
Other: Row, serve as fundraiser chair for team, half marathon, hopefully run the warrior dash in twin lakes, Team triathlon?

This is a rough outline for my immediate future, I can almost guarantee it to change. The only things I care about are Colorado and skydiving.

Employed

I have a great feeling about this.

One down, two to go.

My connection to home was holding me back. I am excited to live my life, and ignore obligations. The future is much more bright and exciting when I can remove the "but." I love all of you guys at home, my family, and the friends I still sort of have, but if you love something you let it go, so if you feel the same you will just be happy for me.

Georgia

This is definitely just the change of pace I was looking for. I am not sure if I am looking forward to returning to the arctic tundra but there are definitely a few people up there I cannot wait to see.