Three months

I am unsure if I have ever said this before, but people are beautiful. I am so proud of a majority of the people I have choosen to let into my life. They are going out and doing amazing things. And it is really difficult for me to swallow the jealousy building inside of me. It is really hard for me to stay, while everyone else gets to go. I would be lying if I said I did not check the rideshare board on craigslist and thought all but seriously about replying to some of the offers for one way trips to Tronto, Arizona, or Florida multiple times a week. Who am I kidding, I know I have said this before. There is something about winter that ignites wanderlust inside of me and this, combined with the adventures so many are on, is nearly unbearable. Everything is growing too familiar. I find it nessecary to list the reasons why I am staying to myself daily to be sure that I am doing the right thing. I am doing the right thing after all. The biggest reason is to get my head above water, pay off some debt. And its hard for me to comprehend. Its disgusting how hard it is for me to understand. The second largest reason is to finish my medical screening and finacial paperwork and other paperwork. It is a lot. A whole lot. And the final reason Im staying in flint instead of running for the sun is guilt. My family has not seen too much of me over the past four years and it is quite possibly going to be the last chance some of them have. Two years is a long time, twenty seven months is a bit longer. Being in Flint right now is the responsible decision and it is probably the only viable way for me to prepare for service. It is just so difficult for me to convince myself that the end justifys the means, but in this case I have no doubt that in three months I will be on the biggest adventure of my entire life. The weirdest part is that I feel ashamed to tell my coworkers that I graduated from college and that I have had the oppurtunity that so many of them would do anything to get. It hurts so bad to think that some of them may think I am wasting my education. It is just really difficult convincing myself that I am doing the right thing. I am doing the right thing.

Reset your perspective

Meristem

When I was younger and I wanted to know what something tasted like I picked it up and put it in my mouth. And I chewed it, covered it in my saliva. A real experience. Slobbery and disgusting but completely fufilling and extrememly educational. When I needed to moblize I dragged myself around by my arms, rolled, butt scooted like a sort of half crab half octopus missing a couple of limbs, and then one day I figured out crawling was more efficent. Then with effort, wonder, wrecklessness, and very little regard for my own safety or pride I lifted my squishy little prototype human head and grabbed on to the nearest object and I dragged myself to my feet, and I fell over and over and over again. But one day I got on my feet and took some horrible uncoordinated steps. And sure there were people around encouraging me, but it was something I did on my own. My pathetic little baby mind only barely able to understand emotions and words. I knew nothing, new everything, only recently coming into exsitence, everything was new and everything was beautiful and captavating and of these things, the ones I coveted the most were the ones I was denied access to. People told me, "no" and in my little baby mind I thought the equivelant of. "fuck you, I do what I want." I was constantly looking for more growing tired of the things I already had a handle on. Of course this is all speculation because I remember nothing of this amazing highly sensational time. And while I in no way wish to return to a state of such little knowledge and understanding. I want to be able to experience my world as fully as I did then and realize now that I stil know just as little about my world as I did then. Ever since the day I realized I exsisted, whenever that may have been is a whole different debate, I, we all, had a thirst to learn, to experience, to feel and taste and smell and see and hear. Ever since I realized I was, I started to become and develop to learn and grow physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was not who I am now then. I do believe I know more about my world now, but I also believe that the world I have now to know has grown quicker and larger then my knowledge of that world has, yet for some reason my rate of learning and experiencing and sensation has not grown if anything it has diminished. Its like Ive gotten to know enough things now that the urge to pop objects in my mouth that have unfamilar tastes have been tamed, my urge to touch things that glow to see if theyre hot almost nonexsistant. I have not completely lost the wonder and I do make an effort to not lose it. And it is important to me to continue embracing my wonder and curiosity. I was talking to my dad the other day about California and I mentioned how he should visit and he said, "Why, I have no desire to go there." And it was so hard for me to understand. I never want to be so comfortable with anything to not want to try something new. I never want to be the person who can go into a resturant and order, "the regular." I want to pop disgusting things into my mouth so that I can learn theyre disgusting. Learn the correct way to plant a tree by doing it all of the wrong ways first. Close my eyes and jump head first, feet first, run arms flailing, crawl, and limp through life with a fufillment of truely learning, wholey experiencing. Forgiveness rather than permission. The more I learn, the more I know there is so much more yet to learn, experience. When a tree stops growing it dies. I wont stop growing.