Weak

I cant handle death.

Beautiful.

seperation compression drive

Last Sunday marked the start of my first ever dry rowing season, dry meaning without alcohol. Our new coach believes that one should always be training, even on weekends. I have been known to be a bit of a partier and at first I was in a state of dismay after hearing this. How would I have any fun? I am in college, don't I have to drink? But then as I told the people I surround myself with and saw how much they doubted me, how they thought I would never be able to do such a thing, it gave me motivation. I feed off the doubt that other people have for me. Your belief in my failure, your refusal to believe in me, makes me stronger, it makes me who I am. So thank you all for providing me with that extra spike of motivation, but let me tell you one thing. I am not doing this for you, I am not doing this because the coach wants us to, I am not doing this for the team, I am going to do this because I want to become a better rower. I want to be the best rower I can be I want to go to the club team nationals. I absolutely hate being an exceptional rower, I want to be the best rower. I want to take the opportunities our club team is being given, this new coach, who has lead clubs to become scholarship programs, to sweeping NACRAs, to becoming a team to beat, and change NMU Crew into something to be proud of. I am sick of being a drinking team with a rowing problem. I want to get the recognition that we deserve and I want to double my number of medals. Its not about having fun, its not about making friends, its not about doing your best. Its about getting first and leaving it all out in the boat. Its collapsing at the finish. Its about scaring the shit out of the competition. Its about cutting seconds in every race. Its about breaking 2:00. Its not about getting better, its about becoming great. Collegiate rowing is a competition, not a game. Sports aren't all about winning, but once you get to the level were competing at this season it becomes your first priority. I want to win and I am willing to make the sacrifice. No booze. No fried foods. No fucking problem.

Snails see the benefits, the beauty in every inch.

I don't know what it is, but I cant complain, I feel amazing. Maybe it is the recent new year or perhaps it is because my 6th semester of college starts tomorrow, I just don't know. I feel like I am about to start an epic hike through the mountains. I feel fresh and energized, completely ready to go. My application for California has been submitted. I am getting ready to start applying for scholarships and figuring out how to ask my grandmother to cosign a loan so that I can go Australia next spring. I am about to start another season of rowing and we have a brand new coach that actually wants to work us and get our team to improve, even spoke of going to NCRA nationals in May. My job has gotten more fun and easier since getting promoted. I already paid this semesters tuition. And best of all the classes I am in are not as hellish as last semester, although Ive heard bad things about GIS. Maybe its optimism, maybe I am just being naive, lying to myself, but I have a feeling tomorrow will mark the beginning of a great semester followed by an amazing summer.

Beautiful

And I know some shit's so hard to swallow
But I can't just sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow but I know one fact
I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow

Relate to me

I no longer have any self esteem. It would be fucking amazing to still have someone willing to talk this out.

The rocky mountain state

I even miss these little bitches that run up the poderosa pines and throw shards of pine cone flesh at poor unsuspecting passersby.

Another year

Why should I focus on regrets or resolutions? Its easier to just keep going.