Relationships

He said "I miss you," and i couldn't even say it back. Am i really that terrified of this? He really shouldn't miss me its only been two days. Why would he say that? We've gone longer apart than this. Im pathetic.

How do you think a camping experience can benefit a child?

Kids are so often put in situations where they are shown the correct and proper way to do something. So often are their limitations pointed out. Whether it is through rules at school dictating to them exactly what they should learn, commercials and TV programs showing them what they should want and the way they should act, or just the restraints of the status quo showing them, where they belong. Camp is place where these restraints are removed and kids instead of being confined by rules and norms are able to learn the things they want in a way they want. Camp is a place for kids to experience things that they may otherwise never be exposed to. Camp is a place where it does not matter where a kid came from, or how much money their parents make. Camp is a place where everyone is treated the same and gets the same opportunities. Kids come to camp unsure of themselves, unsure of how they should act, and unsure of how to make friends. They are being thrown into a new and potentially very uncomfortable situation, but it works out because all the kids find themselves in the same situation. At camp kids are pushed to challenge themselves in ways they never before have had to, they learn skills they never knew they could have, and they make friends they can keep forever. I was always a pretty awkward kid and Im kind of an awkward adult, but at camp I was never awkward and will never be awkward. I fit in by being myself, always felt acceptance, and reinforcement in the decision to continue to be myself. Camp gave me the confidence, that I use to tone down the awkwardness and succeed. I know camp for me was instrumental in becoming the person I am today, which is a pretty good person, and I know that the experience of camp can and does do the same thing for many others. Children develop confidence at camp that they can get no where else. Confidence in not just what they are able to try and do, but confidence in who they are. It is a confidence I feel can be gained no where else in life.

Flint

I wish I had an excuse to stay.
If it wasn't for my dad, I would never go back to that hell hole again. Excited to see my dad tomorrow.
Its not that I dont care about people that live in the area, its just I get so depressed being there. Its not what it used to be and it never really was that much. Thanksgiving was brutally painful for me. I feel insignificant there. Uncared for. I feel useless. Nothing to do, no one to do it with, and no way to get around. Its clear to me that no one had ever felt the way I feel about them about me. And it continues to be true, if im not immediate in someones life, they just let me go. The reason it hurts so bad is because I cant let people go. I miss you, im just trying not to care anymore.

I am super unexcited about going home on Sunday, hopefully filling out this job application for beautiful California will pass the time.

wow

I am gods gift to planet earth in an alternate reality.

Pull through

The top does not matter unless you start from the bottom.

Stressed

I love my end of semester stutter.

Going Home

Expectation: I walk into my clean house to a warm welcoming greeting from my dad. He tells me how much he misses me and how proud he is of me, for being captain of the team, for getting promoted at work, and for trying so hard in school. He then offers to co-sign a student loan to remove some of the burden from my shoulders. Then i need to go shower because we are all going to go out together, Anthony is on his way home. Dinner was delicious and we had a great conversation about goals,my dad is really excited about me going to California for the summer, and he thinks it is an awesome opportunity and he is totally behind my desire to study abroad in Australia, he is going to do everything he can to help out. I go home and sleep happily in me bed. The next day is a big family thanksgiving everyone puts aside their differences and we have a wonderful dinner the lions game is one and my dad offers me a beer. We all sit around and talk, and it starts to snow. The rest of the weekend I spend time with my friends from high school, and go visit a few of the people I used to work with. We catch each other up on our lives. We all have great stories to tell. I go shopping with my sister, we talk about everything catch up, just like old times. When it is finally time for me to leave I don't want to go, hard to say goodbye. But I have to leave and I let them know I will be back soon.
Reality: My dads not even home, the house is for lack of a better word trashed, there is shit cluttered everywhere, I am starving and there is nothing in the fridge to eat. When my dad comes home we half ass talk, he focuses on all the things I fucked up. Refuses to co-sign for me and tells me that I should get a real job instead of working in California. I don't even mention how I want to study abroad. I don't see Anthony the entire time I am home. My sister only calls me to babysit, as a favor. I don't see Craig, or any of the kids. Realize I have no High School friends and the people I used to work with are far to busy for me. Thanksgiving either doesn't happen at all or we go to my racist aunts house and I do shots of whiskey in the bathroom until I stab myself with a fork so we can leave. When its finally time to go I am waiting at the end of the driveway, so ready to leave, upset that I will have to be back so soon for Christmas, but worked it out so I will only be there for a week.

Theres your first mistake.

When everything's made to be broken

I think i just need to push through. I may not have everything i want or everything i need but i have a disgusting amount of pride and i will not let other people be better than me. Even if they have a better situation or more focus. There is not a single person on this planet with more determination and stubbornness than I. When i say Im going to do something i do it. I push and i do it.  This is not anyone else's fault there is no fault involved, this was a choice i made and while perhaps it was not the the best choice, it was not the wrong choice. There are no wrong choices in life just poor follow through. No matter how shitty a situation this becomes the fact of the matter is that i brought myself here and have the knowledge and skill necessary to find my way out. Yeah it sucks, and its goingvto be painful and potentially miserably unhealthy at times but i am going to figure it out with or without outside help. This is operation eat, sleep, get shit done. I am going to catch the fuck up in class, finish strong, find a better job, and drop my split to a 2 flat. It will happen, no matter what it takes. I have gotten through worse. Goodbye alcohol hello whey protein. Goodbye bars hello library.

Still hurts

Every time someone compliments me on those earrings or that necklace or my tattoo, I die a little bit on the inside. But I smile and say thank you, and pray they do not ask where I got them or what it means. Need to stop thinking.

And the stairs that you could climb are the ones you've left behind

I feel like I am being really needy lately but I am not happy for prolonged periods of time. I am happy for moments, for discrete periods of time. But in between these bursts of happiness I am sad, really sad. And its not strange and its not weird its obvious to me why I am sad, and it fucking sucks. Its everything I run from, everything I have been trying to avoid. I am sad because I do not belong anywhere. I do not feel invested or connected to anyone or anyplace to want to stay. I have no one, I have nothing, and it is really starting to hurt me. I thought falling in love, getting attached, and investing myself were the things that would end up hurting me, keeping me somewhere I didn't need to be. Yet, it seems the opposite is happening. I just want someone to care about me, and I know that sounds like I am ungrateful, or stupid because I know there are people who care about me, who genuinely want me to be happy and successful, but that just is not what I mean. I want something more than my family members who have not tried to call me in just around a month, I want friends who I am unable to lose touch with, I want more than just a fuck buddy party head. I want the sister who used to call me everyday. I want a dad who comes up here to winter proof my house. I want a mom that never ends a conversation without saying, "I love you." I want friends I feel I can tell everything to. I want siblings who want to visit and tear up the town. I want a best friend who knows how I feel without asking. I want to be able to tell a guy I love them, not just as friends, or when I'm drunk. I just want to start over somewhere new.

If you could see me whoever I am.

Oh my dear god, I wish someone would just stop me and ask, "Do you need help?" and I would reply, "Yes, yes fucking yes! Can you please teach me how not to fail so often." By someone, I mean absolutely anyone willing to help me in any aspect of my life, but preferably someone who could co-sign a god damn loan so i can work less and finish my independent field work before it snows and I have to dig for it. I want this semester to end. I want this year to end. I want to be done with college.

Not fucking worth it.

I miss that feeling of confidence I had, but at least I am use to the doubt. I really do not think I can keep doing this much longer. I want to quit. Can I?

All you need is?

I think I am actually starting to gain some real friends. People who are not just drinking buddies, not just acquaintances, or people I am associated with, but real and long lasting friends. People willing to help me out. Its really strange to think that I have only had maybe 6 or 7 really good friends over my lifetime and that at least half of them have fallen to the wayside at some point. To be honest I dont see why people like me on the small scale I am super loyal, fun, and, willing to be there, but on the larger scale I am sort of a selfish flake, that just wants to go places, no matter who is where. There have been few willing to stick it out, but I have a feeling that if I do this right there will be more, and if I work hard this time, I might be able to keep one as more than a friend for an actual substantial period of time. I seriously cannot understand how people can deal with me.

Crew

My eyelids are heavy, my hands are blistered and calloused, my legs are sore, and my shoulders ache. I gave away my weekend, my time to study, my time to do homework, my time to relax. I gave it up to make a eight hour drive, to sleep on the floor of a racquet ball court and wake up at six in the morning. I gave it away to pick up heavy boats to carry them over my head, to carry oars around, to move heavy boxes filled with riggers. I gave it away to be stressed out by all the people and all the boats that were to close to my precious Polcock. Its gone because I wanted to maticulously rig boats, to check the boats I did not rig, and to fix the ones done incorrectly. It is gone all because I decided it would be a good thing to spend an hour rowing calmly to the start of a race, working on set, check, and power, focusing on getting in the mind set to race, listening to click of the oar locks, dropping the blade in the water in perfect unison, driving hard, and flipping the blade out of the water in again perfect unison. Feathering and squaring, feathering and squaring, for over three miles. I gave all away to sit at the finish while our cox yells at us, gets us to line up our boat, it has to be lined up perfectly, so we don't hit any boats, so we can travel the shortest distance possible. Then at the last possible second we pass a fist bump from stoke seat to the cox and back to the stern again, it is customary, it is not a race without it. I gave it all up to race, for the words, "ready all to row," and, "row!" The rush, the first three strokes, the power ten, the long hard three miles this time taking only twenty minutes rather than an hour, the power tens dispersed throughout, the last thousand meters, killing myself, the last 500 meters, the adrenaline, the last 20 power strokes, leaving everything on the water, the sound of the air horn as we fly across the finish, the 3 second collapse before rowing back to the dock. I gave it up to pick the boat back up overhead, with shaky arms, shaky legs, dry mouth, and torn up hands, to walk it back to the trailer, to sit around for an hour until I get to do it again. I gave it all to race, to feel the adrenaline, I gave it up to try and win. I gave it up to pass boats. I gave it all up to give my all, to feel like vomiting, and to not be able to stand. And I will do it again next weekend.

Thanks

I'm going to do something with my life, eventually, I promise. Thank you for being the only thing in my life that remains constant and genuinely concerned with my well being. You are seriously the best dad ever. I would probably be completely screwed without you. I love that you give me my independence without hassling me constantly and that when I need your help, really truly need it, you give it. My roommates parents pay their rent, you don't pay mine. My roommates parents call them twice a week, you don't know my phone number. But when I realize I have to choose between rent, dues, or a tuition payment, you loan me tuition and dues. You think the way I live my life is reckless and selfish. You do not value the same things as I do, but you give me your opinion on them and that is all. You do not prevent me from doing them. I want to thank you for not showing me how to live, and for letting me figure it out my own. You may have messed up a lot of details and missed all the memos on how to parent. You suck at showing compassion, your punishments were intense, and I was never spoiled. But somehow you figured out the big picture. I just want to be something that makes you proud, and somehow I will be.

Observations in the LRC

The confidence one has when they know that they belong to something bigger than themselves is only shadowed by the confidence a person has when they are aware that others can recognize it too. Alone a person is nothing.

Struggling

Why does it bother me so much that I am not the best, if I am not the worst?
I will never be able to settle for good enough.
But my best is not cutting it.
When can I decide it is not worth it?
Can I ever decide it is not worth it.
Am I allowed to give up?
I am not sure I know how to.
God, I am such a cliche.
Will somebody please tell me if I am doing it right?

Stress

I want to get something off my chest, I just cant figure out what it is.

Disconnected

Its been awhile since I have left Colorado and the initial joy of returning to Marquette has worn off, the ability to have fun has been outweighed by the need to do well in school, do well on the team, and make and save money. It is that period of time when I become extremely different-location-sick. It is not necessarily that I would like to be back in Flint, or back at camp, but a little of both really. Not so much the location I miss but the people, with Colorado however, I miss the location a lot as well. It is harder than ever I think this year for me to stay in touch with people. I have not had a real conversation with any of my siblings since before I left for Colorado, and I have not really spoken to my dad much either let alone the rest of my family and friends. It is hard not being able to text someone something that randomly pops into my head relating to them and then by the time I can tell them it is forgotten, and it is hard not being able to talk to my siblings, I feel we have grown apart greatly since this time last year. Not to mention how much I miss seeing the people I saw at camp everyday, the people who became really good and really close friends. It is hard when you go from having such a massive amount of support and friendship that is so convenient and accessible, to having a really very inconvenient group, that it is hard to come into contact with. Without my phone it seems plans are really very difficult to make because nobody ever knows where I am and vice-versa. On multiple occasions people have stopped by my house to find me not there and I have biked to countless places and found nobody home. This whole beginning semester blues phase is something I have become highly accustomed to but the lack of ability to find a distraction from it is hard to cope with.

One day...

One day I am going to travel the world. One day I am not going to have to worry about how to pay the bills. One day I will be able to do whatever I want. One day people will look at me and think, "wow, she lived her dreams." One day I will have my shit figured out. One day I will know what I want to do. One day I will find my passion. One day I wont be so sleep deprived. One day I will figure out who I am. One day I will figure out what I want. Today is not bad either, but one day it will be so much better.

Fragments and run-ons

I used to talk to you everyday. I used to get online, because I knew you would be there. Maybe you did not benefit from our conservations as much as I did, but at times you kept me sane, kept me in school. It sucks not talking to you as much, and while I have attempted to replace you, it takes time to tell people everything about yourself, and it takes even more time to trust people enough to actually do it. I miss you and I miss our conversations. Maybe you do not approve of what I have become or what I believe or maybe you feel like I blew you off first. I swear to god I did not. During the school year I am really busy twenty six hours a week at work, classes, practice, and studying, and when I am not busy I spread myself pretty thing amongst my friends, and then I spend my summers with complete strangers, in attempts to meet people who feel and think like I do, and to be in new situations, you know I cannot deal with sameness. But the reason I could do those things was that I knew you would still be there for me, to tell me I am not a fuck up, when I went and fucked something up, to tell me I am not crazy, when I tell you I want to run away, and to give me a reason to stay. And I know I may not have reciprocated that effort that you gave to me back to you, and now after it all, I feel like I cared about you more than you ever did about me. I do not think you ever asked me for help the way I asked you and it kind of hurts to think that maybe you never trusted me. And we are still friends, we still talk, but it is not the same. I will probably never be able to tell you the things I used to, but its not your fault, you were there for me, and you did help me more than you will ever know, and for that I will be eternally grateful, and I will always, without a doubt, be there to help you in anyway that I can if you ever need anything. I have other people to talk to now, a whole new support system, and I just do not want you to in anyway worry about me, or think that I dislike you. I love you, and I love that I was lucky enough to come to know you and meet you, and I sincerely hope we can continue to be friends, even if I am super distant. I really do try to make an effort to keep in touch with people I care about, even if its just a comment on Facebook or drunken rambling at 2am.

Circles

I keep saying, "Oh I will blog more..." but I never do I just keep blogging less and less. But, you know, I thought it was a bad thing at first, and now I am thinking it is a good thing. I used to blog more than daily, but I felt like I had to. There was like a compulsion to blog when I was stressed it made me feel better, it made it easier to sort things out in my mind. I guess now I never really feel compelled to blog anymore. Sometimes I like to see my thoughts out in plain text, because it really does help me to understand myself. But really I do not have to anymore. I am still stressed, so its not me not blogging because I don't have stress to deal with. In fact this is the most stressful semester so far, its also the best one. Maybe I should talk about it more, speak of my adventures, and failures. Maybe I will complain way fucking less and just say exciting things that I do, or at least semi exciting, weekly updates. Ha, yeah right, I will figure it out, and I really will try to blog more, it really does help me articulate my thoughts and gives the five people who read this an insight into my really messed up personality.

vagabond

Hopefully this time next year I can type this blog from somewhere in the South Pacific and it will be way more interesting to read. I think I have made the decision to study abroad! I am really excited just thinking about it, the hardest part is going be to find money but everyone keeps assuring me that there is money out there to be found. Why wait til I finish college to travel? I can do both! No matter what, money is going to be an issue, I would rather have it be an issue somewhere in Australia, Thailand, or Brazil or South Africa. I do not know what has been keeping me here for so long, fear perhaps? I guess as much as I boast about it I have never really been farther than Northern away from home for a long period of time. But I spent an almost completely isolated summer in Colorado and I think that has given me the confidence that I can go anywhere. It is not like anyone is ever around for me to fall back on when I need them, if they were I would be a lot less stressed right now. I cant keep friends so why try, I would rather just keep making new ones and then they can decide where I stand in their life. All of the people I would consider my, "best friends," are miles and miles away, some of them are timezones away, but they are the only people I really talk to anymore. I have a ton of friends up here, but for some reason I see them as temporary. I would rather go hang out with temporary friends overseas. All I need to do is figure out where exactly I would like to go and start my application. California in the summer, who knows in the fall!

The world just chewed her up, and spat her out

Hahaha Shit...
Five dollars in my bank account.
Credit Card maxed.
40 dollars in my pocket.
Pay Day is not for 2 weeks.
Rent, tuition, books, food, dues.

Closing shifts at work.
Five thirty morning practices.
Four classes, three with labs.
BI 310 "hardest class you will ever take."
40 page scientific study.
20 page research paper.

No car, No phone.

These next few months are going to be the hardest of my entire life, it is weird I feel like I should be scared, panicked, or sick to my stomach, but I am not. I am almost optimistic, I have been through a lot and I think I am rather confident that this will just be another thing I push through, and though I may not finish with flying colors somehow I feel confident in my ability to finish. Maybe it is just wishful thinking, maybe it is denial, but I am hoping it is determination.
Now, If only I could come up with a topic for this Independent study...

Not afraid

We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that, you're not alone
I miss you more than you will ever know. It seems like we tell each other almost everyday, and somehow that will never be enough for you to truly understand how much I miss you. You have ruined so many songs for me, I instantly think of you and all the fun we had. I will never be able to listen to Eminem again without thinking of how you drunkenly rap it. I am just glad you're around for me to talk to, even if its only Instant messaging and the occasional skype session. It is really creeping me out how much I miss you.

To live will be an awfully big adventure

Weird to think tomorrow I start my third year of college as I am sitting in a house that I lease, with no money in my bank account because I have bills to pay and groupies to buy. Am I an adult? Paying taxes, budgeting, and bargain shopping for groceries? What classifies me as an adult? When am I no longer a punk kid? When do I become an adult? There is no way it was when I turned 16 and got my license, even though I sure thought it then, so much freedom. It could not have been when I turned 18 I was still living at home with my dad I was a child, I had a parent. And it was not when I went away to college, started living in the dorms as much as I felt like I was on my own, I always knew where my next meal was and that I had somewhere to live, I even still had someone bossing me around and making rules. Now I feel like I am really on my own, am I an adult now? I have no one in charge of me, I have to figure out how to buy food, and figure out how to pay rent. It is weird to think of myself as someone older, I never thought I would be good at being an adult, whereas I always excelled at being a teenager. I just do not think my personality can be aligned with adulthood. I have no need for planning things in advance, or paying bills. I am scared that soon I will become good at these things and one day I will become an adult. Once you are an adult you cannot go back. There is no physical way to age backwards and from what I have seen there is no way to get unstuck from the adult mindset. It is legitimately terrifying me that soon I will be a college graduate, with a degree in something I am suppose to devote my life to. Devote it away and buy a nice place with a picket fence, get some pink flamingos to put in the lawn, and then find one single person with who I will spend my entire life. And then one day me and the guy who I am spending my entire life with will start writing directions, "what to do when we die" its called a will. the adult mind is so paranoid so devoted to order and certainty that it needs to plan out what to do when it is dead. Adults plan out everything they get 401ks, pension plans, and retirement plans. They buy life insurance, car insurance, health insurance, boat insurance, and house insurance because they are paranoid everything must be protected. And the worst thing adults do is settle it happens very slowly, and then they buy a house, a huge house they don't pay up front, they take out a mortgage and then they pay it, forever. They go on vacations that last about a week, but they cant go longer because, "who will watch the dog?" and they are out of vacation days. I remember when I was little, really little, I wanted to be an adult more then anything, I wanted to drive a car, and only eat ice cream. I wanted to build a house made out of chocolate in Florida. Life I concluded would be amazing as soon as I was an adult. When I was 12 I wanted a mansion on the ocean, and a dog. When I was 17 I simply just wanted to get out of my dads house, freedom, Independence. Now I would like to stay in my happy limbo, where I am not really a kid anymore, 100 percent on my own, other than health insurance, but I am not trapped in adulthood. I know I might change someday maybe, but for now never.

Home is where the heart is.

Ultimately its not because it is beautiful or because it is fun or because I can do the things I love here, or because I go to school here. I call it home because I get this overwhelming feeling of being cared for here. I know I used to have something like that downstate, but it is gone. Maybe occasionally a friend or family member shows that they care about me, but it is not constant. I just do not feel the way I do here anywhere else. Marquette is love. Flint is obligation.

Superior

I love the feeling of going home.

Bitter as shit

I hate it here. I have no friends, I do not know how or why that happened, but I am definitely friendless. My family doesn't even pretend to make a solid effort, they whine while I am here, and they whine while I am gone. It is not usually this bad but I do not have a car so I am at the mercy of those who know me, considering I haven't been anywhere since I stepped off the plane in Detroit, no one gives a shit about me. I am reciprocating that emotion back I refuse to make time for selfish shit heads whether I am related or not. I was not expecting a parade or a party in my honor, but seeing as I was gone for 3 months and in 2 days I will be gone until Christmas, I was hoping for a, "Welcome home, good to see you! How have you been?" But I did not get it and I do not want it anymore. Fuck Flint and all the people I could not possibly care less about.

Sad songs, remind us of friends

It is really shitty that you cannot tell how much you miss someone until they are no longer in your life indefinitely. I knew I was going to miss them, I knew it when ever we hung out and it made me smile, I knew it when my eyes would water when we talked about leaving, I knew it when I teared up saying goodbyes, and I knew it when I could not stop crying as soon as we hugged for the last time at the the airport and I turned and left, so I could walk to my flight. It is not necessarily that I have regrets, it is more that I wish I would have had the opportunity to say more, about myself, about how I feel. I wish I would have learned more about them. And I wish we would have more time to spend time with each other. Every person I meet and have the chance to get close to has a profound impact on the way I live my life and when someone living the life I want comes along I become truly inspired, and it becomes incredibly hard to let that person go. It really kills me that our only shot at seeing each other again is not til next year and even then, it may not happen, depending on where they work versus where I work. And I hope by some profound coincidence they get placed at the same camp I decide to work at, and it is not because I am selfish, or because I miss them. It is because I want them around to keep changing my life, keep having that intense impact. I want to learn more about them, I want to tell them more about me. I want them to stay with me as a good friend, not as someone I used to know pretty well.

meh.

I will blog more intensely in the fall. I am just to busy and exhausted for it now.

Mommy

I really wish I could just talk to you one more time. My life is shitty and I know you would know what to say to make me see how truly beautiful it is. Goddammit I do not know why this hurts so bad right now. I just want to love someone who loves me again.

No, Im not mad bro.

Due to a lot of recent stress and a recent re-occurrence of old urges I have decided to update myself on my life and mental affairs. It seems that no matter how smoothly life seems to go there always comes a moment when I hit a speed bump and me, not being as aware as what is maybe necessary or the norm when I hit that speed bump my life went crashing into a giant fucking ditch. As I stand in this ditch that I have come to know far to well and gaze at the gently sloping walls surrounding me I can find no way to climb up for every wall I approach crumbles at my touch. Its frustrating because the walls seem so easy to climb and so inviting but there is no possible way for me to escape. Then along come that familiar urge why try to get out of the ditch, why not run along its bottom see where it may go? I never can seem to face my problems and I have found no way to fight the stress that comes so often with them, so instead I want to run away. With everything that has happened thus far, the things that may occur in the future, and the intense head start I have currently been given, I feel like now could potentially be a good time to make my escape. Now I wait for enough people to talk me out of it or for my brain to finally implode and give me the courage to do everything.

The only difference

it is not jealous because someones life is better than me. I never look at what others have with envy or greed. No I am jealous because your life is different and mine is the same. The problem is of course that my life, not matter what is going on, will always be the same, always my life, while yours will always be something I cant have. Something I cant know.

Fucking wierd

How easy it is to cut ties...
I just wish that I had something that would last.

Ha ha ha

You have to be kidding me, my life is so fucking good. Fuck all the rest.

No time, key points

So I...
Blah blah blah blah
Life.
Blah blah blah blah
Realization.
Blah blah blah blah
Rationalization.
Blah blah blah blah
Moving on.
Blah blah blah blah
Better person.
Blah blah blah blah
Summarize.
Blah blah blah blah
Declare.

Colorado

Its really cool when you feel like you are somewhere you were meant to be. This is going to be a really great summer.

First time on a plane too.

This is not butterflies, I want to puke.
Somehow it all seems unreal, spur of the moment, even though it is truly all I have been thinking about since I got the job back in February. I want to scream, celebrate, jump up and down. It is amazing to think that tomorrow morning, not afternoon, but early morning I will be stepping off of a plane in Colorado, not just Colorado but Pikes National forest at the base of Pikes peak, at an elevation of over 8,000 feet. The only thing that keeps the excitement in check, is the crippling terror. I stopped to think about it and realized I will not know a single person working at this camp and will only know two people in the entire state. I am good at making friends but it is still a little bit scary, I mean I have never tried to make a friend from Colorado. What if they don't like me? What if they hate me? Or worse what if they think I am to city for them? I am not insecure but I am definitely awkward in high pressure situations where I do not know anyone. It is just silly little first day jitters spiraling out of control, because I know this will undoubtedly be the best summer of my entire life so far.

Its the end of the world as we know it?

Oh wait again?
Religion and its scare tactics never cease to amaze me. Let the sinners, sin its a really good time and all saved people really are, are sinners that found an imaginary scape goat. If you ask me the world be a much better when its left behind for the damned. Really though the end is near? Ahahaha like anything can end, and if it could the end would have nothing to do with the fate of planet earth. Four Hundred billion billion!

What if?

That moment when you finally start taking action that allows you to live your life the way you want to live your life, is fucking indescribable. I am going to Colorado in seven days, seven fucking days! It took me almost twenty years to go to Colorado and I am finally doing it! When I get back from Colorado I am going to jump out of a fucking plane! Then I am going to the only place that I feel a sense of belonging large enough to call home, and when I get there, Oh when I get there! I am going to have a few weeks to hike, jump off cliffs, and just live it up before I start back on my studies and take the first class for my outdoor rec minor. Thats right this kid finally got the nerve to take outdoor rec. And I know my future goals change a lot from time to time, but when I tell any variation of them to people they laugh, and I laugh along. It is a little bit sad that when other people hear of my future plans they take it as a joke, but until now it was really nothing more. So I am going to go ahead and let them laugh, because they are way to sure of themselves, they have convinced themselves they are headed down the right path, headed for ultimate success, they lack my conerstone, they lack flexibility. They are all to heavily invested in something that can never be a sure thing, for the future is always an unknown, life is about the present! So, what if? Then I will just do something else. How about you?

Two rescue breaths

The human race has long thought of itself ignorantly as the ultimate goal of evolution, as the top of the food chain, the masters of the earth, of the cosmos even. What the humans have long overlooked was the race that towers above them, while living in the very same neighborhoods, for most of the year, effortlessly blending into the crowd, utterly indistinguishable. Yet, this very similar race answers to a higher calling, or perhaps suffers from a rare disorder, and along with the turn of the seasons they make themselves know for three long months. These are what we classify as camp counselors, a both psychologically and physically impossible entity. While relatively hard to spot for most of the year when the days begin to lengthen in the summer months they show themselves. You will notice generally sane and mostly well dressed people disappearing from your neighborhood, do not be alarmed they are not being hurt, they are gathering, you may not see them again until the fall. They are going to spend the summer months acting as a rare unnaturally occurring combination of a judge, doctor, coach, entertainer, and most of all friend. They are out on an impossible mission to undue ten years of damage in just six days. These ordinary people in your neighborhood, these average Joes and Janes, are in fact anything but ordinary. They are super heroes, unbathed kneeling in mud with a questionable case of what appears to be poison ivy, lungs filled with woodsmoke, and a genuine unwavering smile, trying indefinitely to start a campfire in a downpour, because they promised their campers s'mores.
You may wonder why anyone would do such a thing, but long have scholars pondered the very same question to no avail. The money is surely not what drives these creatures into the woods for a summer free of rest or relaxation. For at the end of the summer the average counselor has saved enough to buy one college textbook, a pair of new shoes to replace the pair mangled in the name of adventure, a new package of socks for the same reason, and enough gas to get back to campus.
After hearing this you may feel compelled to ask if any of it is really worth it. But then you would never be able to truly understand. I can try to describe to you why they do what they do, but until you are there until you see it, you will never truly understand. A camp counselor is, for lack of a more perfect word, worshiped by the campers they receive, but this is not why they do it, they are not at all conceited. They do it, all of it, for pickup day, the day at the end of the week when the campers return to your neighborhoods, different, confident. You see, the counselors remember how the campers came to them, some were silent, some may have even been screaming, crying, latched to their parents legs with a death grip. They came terrified and shy, unsure of themselves, ignorant of their true potential. In just six days of unmatched enthusiasm and effort, they leave smiling, joyous, promising to stay in touch forever, bragging about how they walked off the zip platform, the campers are glowing, they are confident, they are unstoppable. This is why the counselors do it, this is what makes them tick, keeps them going, it was never the coffee. To know they have made an impact in the life of child is worth never getting eight hours of sleep, missing out on the summer blockbusters, vacations, and all the other minor inconveniences that go along with the job.
Next time you find yourself in a Wal~mart and you see a rather rushed looking twenty some year old with a cart full of saran wrap, water balloons, and a single candy bar dressed in tye dye, arms strewn with friendship bracelets, muddy untied tennis shoes, and perhaps a questionable smell, take a second to think of how their day has gone so far. Three skinned knees, a bloody nose, five homesick campers, a bee sting, one lost bathing suit, countless "unbearable" mosquito bites, and thirty individual friendship bracelet making lessons to ten people; then look at your watch notice that it is only one o' clock, and realize you are standing next what can only be described as a super hero working each and everyday to change the world.

Cynicism tastes great

Your childhood was a lieAnd if you remember it you are a liar.

Pardon me

Since when is it a bad thing to be excited about how great your life is going?

Marquette

I want to be sitting in the sand on the Northcoast of America with a beer in my hand and the sun on my face surrounded by the people I love who are always there for me.
I want my day to start at 11am and not end until 5am.
I want to start my day at the beach, go a million different directions, and end at the beach.
I want my friends who will do anything at anytime.
I want to hear "Its late, but I dont care."
I want to be called a loser for going home before 3am.
I want sober hugs, but not as much as I want drunk hugs.
I want to go dance, sing, yell, jump, run.
I want to go to a party and address everyone by "bro," to see who catches on.
I want to drink alchol out of water bottle in the middle of town.
I want to spend all day with kerchak.
I want to climb sugarloaf, mount marquette, and hogsback all in one day.
I want to fall through the ice at whetmore.
I want to run the lakeshore, the rivers edge, and through the old growth.
I want to laugh until someone pukes and then laugh at that.
I want to sit around a TV with no cable and just talk.
I want to do something different everyday.
I want evey gathering I am at to slowly evolve into an epic night.
I want to go for "a walk" that lasts the entire night.
I want my city,
I want my friends,
I want my way of life,
I want to go home.

Fuck you Flint.

I am not even going to complain about this anymore, it bothers me how much it bothers me to be here. I am being whiny and needy. No longer shall I complain about the solitude I find myself in, the lack of excitement in my life, or the dramatic sink in over all productivity I encounter when I am in Flint. I am an extrovert by nature and as such I draw all of my energy and motivation from others, but In Flint I have a lack of interaction with others, and I find myself growing uncharacteristically depressed. This is ludacris, I must not let myself rely on others for happiness, I need to learn to enjoy introvertedness beyond my morning jog. It is with this that I pledge to no longer sit and wait for or reach out repeadtely to others as a means to feel less alone while I am here. Instead I will teach myself how to do things other than working out on my own. It is just for a month but I feel as though I need more experience with being truly independent, from a nonfinacial standpoint. I rarely do things other than workout, hike, bike, or sell plasma alone. I usually will not even go to econo without someone else. I would like to, in order to have a more well rounded personality start to find joy in things even when they are done alone, and what better time to do so than a time forced upon me. Fuck it, I cant even bullshit myself through a blog to be more optimistic, I will just jog more and not complain about this again. 22 days.

Twenty four days

Buying the plane ticket makes everything real.
It makes being here just transition time.
It gives me motivation.
I am going to have the best summer of my life.

Cheers

To everyone that I used to know.
I am a human being, a dynamic entity not only capable of change, but dependent on it. I am sorry that things are not the way they used to be, try as hard as I can, I will still never be able to be the past. I am beyond that, I am no longer my memories. Memories are memories, moments that at one point in time may have existed but now hold little more merit than a dream. I have known fun times in my life and I have known sad times in my life, and the one thing that remains constant through all these events in my life is my ongoing ability, predisposal rather, to come out of each new situation changed, for what I can only imagine is the better. If I had experienced no change I feel as though a new experience would never be possible, and then what would life be? It is with this that I ask, why does everyone so fear change? Why do people stand aside and whisper, "Wow, college has really changed them," like it is some sort of tragedy? The tragedy in life is to not change, to not experience every new moment as just that. I would never want a friend who stays the same forever I would rather surround myself with people as dynamic as I am. Unfortunately, it has become clear to me through a dramatic correlation between date of visit to Flint and amount of people willing to spend time with me, that perhaps not everyone feels the same. I understand that I am not around often and growing apart happened, but it is going to be a really long month if I have to kick a soccer ball around in my backyard alone everyday.

Letter of hire.

I have to admit it I am actually pretty nervous.

I am done.

Seriously.
Not doing this for a long time.

So,

I am getting tired of these people, and tired of this scene. I do not want to go home but I am happy about a change, I need to find people willing to go on periodic camping trips with me. I just hope this weekend turns out nice, i would rather go out with a bang then, well, how my weekends sometimes go.

All I do is win.

I am drinking a very generously prepared rum and coke right now. Heavy on the rum easy on the coke. It is truly disgusting how amazing my tolerance for rum is, I never thought I would be able to shoot anything straight faced.
Its Wednesday night and I am alone. And I am stressed.
I decided it would help me to write these two papers on smooth jazz that I procrastinated off until just now. The problem is they are basically on the same thing and I have to make them sound different. I am fucked, but at least I will be tipsy as I type out 4000 suckish words that are all lies.
The end of the semester: A week from tomorrow.

Damn son

I have nothing profound to say because nothing profound has happened.
The only thing on my mind right not is why I have not received a letter of hire for this summer yet, even though I was told I got the job, and what it would mean if I never got one. I will be straight fucked, another unemployed flintoid.
I am going to make a phone call soon, if I can muster up the courage.
Ten days til I am a Junior, Jesus Christ.
Life, funny.

Oh geeze

All those little tiny things, when they all get together are not longer so little and tiny. I always seem to do this to push things off, til they can no longer be put off. Then they just stew on the back-burner unnoticed until they grow to large, until they consume everything. It is only then that I realize I have to deal with them, then that these tiny little problems become monsters in my life. The time has now come to deal with them, unfortunately I have major tasks I am attempting to undergo in my life right now that are consuming a large majority of my time. This is a new situation for me, with so many large tasks consuming my time, it is hard for me to find time to tackle these tiny monsters, I have faith in myself and will try to not let these things get the best of me. It is going to be a stressful last week of college, and stressful week of exams to to follow, and a most likely rather stressful first week of summer. I have faith, however, that after that I will have worked things out, and can continue being.

Sink

I wish I did not have to remind myself constantly to not give up on humanity. It is just hard to see the good when the majority is so very bad and the ones, perceived as good that I pull close keep letting me down. It is unfair to give up on humanity. Humanity by definition is not perfect, they are only being human. I am human, I after all am humanity.

Let it go

There will always be an asshole on a power trip around to put you in your place and tell you what is right.

Shes fighting with the sky

It is like when ever stuff starts going good, whenever I get good at something, whenever I get the hang of life, it comes time for a change. After taking a whole year to get into the swing of college life again, I finally get a system worked out and it is going to be useless in three weeks. At first I was annoyed, having to start over again trying to find a way to live for a month, and then having to restart again, but then I realized if things were not this way I would go insane. Life is nothing without change. There is no point of mastering something and then doing it over and over again as close to perfect as humanly possible. When I master something, it comes time for me to find something new and exciting to repeatedly fail at until I start to get the hang of it. As much as life is about success, it is doubly about failure, the process of trial and error. Change is a necessary driving factor, one can not let themselves get to comfortable, getting comfortable leads to settling and settling is another word for giving up. So, yeah, I have got shit figured out pretty well right now, but I cannot wait to cut all ties with this comfortable secure routine I have going and jump headfirst into something I know approximately nothing about. I used to be terrified of failure, of letting myself, or anyone down, not doing the things I set out to do, but eventually it came to me, failure is not what people make it out to be. Failure is not flunking an exam, or getting fired, or dropping out of college, these things are just changes, it is what one does after that defines whether or not they have failed. We can not assume all people have the same values, and we must stop belief in the notion that things like promotions and college degrees are steps towards success. The only thing that is a true failure is giving up on yourself, settling. Life is good, not because it is easy but because it is dynamic.

Pray for the people inside your head

I hate flaky people. I wish being 21 was not an excuse to ditch your friends. I swear to god I will not be an asshole when I am 21.

Strive

There will always be someone living a far more spectacular life.

I trust you

I really wish I knew what I told you last night. I guess I know what you told me I said. I do not open up to people very easily, I have some major trust issues that I have been trying to work out. I have been hurt by people I have been close to a lot. Honestly I do get drunk word vomit, but I do not tell people my secrets unless I care about them. I hope I am not misjudging this friendship. I really like having someone to talk to.

Passion

I wish everyone felt the way I do about this. At least everyone on the team.

Unfortunate lecture subject

You know that moment when you realize nothing lasts forever, and that the whole concept of eternity can only truly exist as a concept. How can something fleeting like a human mind comprehend something unending, something that surely can not be proved. I mean not a single person will ever know eternity, we are not eternal. Well whenever that moment happens I think of the alternative, nonexistence and it makes me want to puke, luckily after seven years of hard work I have trained myself to not let my mind wander to these things, yet there is always one subject that starts me down the path of thinking about things that can not be thought about. The big bang, how the universe came into existence, how nothing became everything, the dawn of eternity, of existence. I hate it, I hate trying to remember what it was like to not exist in order to prepare myself for the future when I will no longer exist. It makes me sick, absolutely nauseous. My mind to small, my life to short. I will never be okay with no longer being alive.

Relax

I feel like I am on the verge of something, something great.

Sometimes,

I have dreams where I am friends we people who are not my friends, we would have so much fun if we were friends. Sometimes I idolize people I have only met once, and make it my mission to get them to like me, because they are obviously way cooler, or chill, or hipper, or environmentally friendly, or active, or outdoorsy than I am. If I ever get them to like them me and we become friends, I will then try to outdo them at the thing that drew me to them. I adopt the hobbies or interests that they have that I idolize, whether it be something I do or not. I see them do it, hear them talk about it and I want to do it. It becomes my passion, and obsession all of my attention becomes diverted to it. I make t my mission to be the very best that I can be. Because I know(or think) as soon as I am better at it then they are they not only have to like me, they have to respect me. This is all done extremely passively of course. I am not sure if it works or not, but I definitely so it sometimes. I cannot be sure if it is normal behavior or not, but I am ninety percent positive there's some educated psychological complex name for it.

Exhaustion

I cant even keep my eyes open during an exam. This is ridiculous.

Claustrophobia

Sitting on an airplane with a feeling of euphoria. The plane disappears, and I am falling, still buckled up in the airplane seat. Euphoria is shattered by terror. Now in a panic, I try to free myself from the seat in free fall. I manage to get the buckle off, but it shoots back into place. I unbuckle again, the seat belt is relentless and once again restrains me. I am still falling, still fighting with the seat belt. I look down panic, the ground so close, I brace myself for impact. I crash into the ground in the middle of a desert like landscape, instead of being mangled by the force of impact I pass right through the ground it is sort of water-like. I am no longer attached to the seat and I try to swim for the surface. I hit a wall, change directions, hit another wall, again a new direction and another wall. As I swim in circles trying to get out it becomes apparent that the box has begun to shrink. At some point, before the box gets terribly small, I wake up. However, I still feel like it is shrinking around me.

If I dont remember, dont remind me

The words I slurred out of my mouth, the last thing I remembered. Fitting?After tonight, this is over.

Life:

Its like sometimes shit works out and sometimes shit does not work out, either way it never stops coming, and you still have to deal with it, so stop whining.

Haters gonna hate

I will never have any respect for a person who does not come to me first when they feel I am in the wrong. It hurts my feelings to think that the person thinks I am not strong enough or understanding enough to take criticism, for anyone to view me as that petty is immensely disrespectful. Then there is the fact that you are to scared to tell me I am in the wrong or are not confident enough to confront me says a lot about your personal moral character. If you are that insecure with yourself, your own actions, beliefs, or personality, then you are in no place to critique someone else's. This being stated I have come to the conclusion that if you did not stop what was happening as it was happening, or come directly to me to stop it from happening in the future, you were just out to hurt me, get me into trouble, or destroy my reputation. It is really unfortunate, if you would of come to me in person, I would have profound respect for you, but because you did not, you have lost all respect. Cheers, backstabber, it is probably a good thing I only sort of think I know who you are.

Failed attempts to fly

The idea of it is beautiful, the practice of it is atrocious, and the merit is just not there.

Home?

I hope so.

Good decisions

The amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend was obscene. I wish drunk me would let me start relationships with guys that would be around. Drunk me has a fear of commitment a million times larger than sober me. Drunk me goes for recent grads who go to schools that are not Northern, people I will never see again. My mentality going into Friday night was that it would be the only night of the weekend I would be able to drink, I drank a fifth of captain and got retarded, but it was a chill friend only party so no big deal, goldfish fights, P&A, Viking Warrior, and Mr. Drunk mistake. I will never do a shot out of someone else's mouth ever again. Of course on Saturday night I decided I had to get drunk before and continue to drink at epic dance party, a hall fundraiser for relay, during which my phone blew up with texts about the rugby house, I had to go. Net drinks: 40 of Peebs, Half a fifth of Castilla, and other peoples drinks. Went out with one guy, walked home with other, and hooked up with Mr. mistake, who is headed far far away as we speak. The uneventful party was followed with attending thing-a-thon, part two of that relay for life fundraiser. I sat my drunk ass n the lobby until eight in the morning, sobering up around six. I was loud and obviously drunk, none of the RAs seemed to care, being well liked is a good thing. I would say next weekend would be chill, but I cannot disrespect my minuscule amount of Irish blood. This weekend is a scrabble tournament compared to next.

momentum

The hardest part of my run is not the end, when I am exhausted, its the first 100 feet when I am completely filled with energy. The hardest part is the beginning, gaining the momentum. Momentum is what gets me to the end of a run, the finish line at a regatta. Momentum is how I get things done. Momentum will only exist if it is set into motion. Starting something is all about giving it all you got, a one hundred percent effort for what may be a one percent return, but that one percent return builds and as the effort continues to be made that one percent turns into two and that two yields four, four to eight, eight to sixteen. In no time you are just riding in the wake of your momentum. This is a runners high, this is euphoria during a workout, that moment when your exhaustion turns to energy, where your stress becomes motivation. In life this is when all of your hard work starts to pay off. This is when you are getting A's, getting jobs, being productive. This is when your accomplishments start pushing you to attempt to accomplish other things and in turn those accomplishments push you more. I am riding the wake of my momentum right now. You see momentum is this impelling force that constantly pushes forward all you have to do is set it in motion.

I started sending you a note. Oh how I hope that you’re happy.

I cant believe the number of people I thought I would know forever that I have not talked to in forever. I keep almost reaching out and convincing myself, not to, that people move on, that it would be good for me to do the same. I wonder if any of them think about me, wonder about me, hope that I am doing well, like I do for them. Is it vain to think that the people I will never forget, will in return be unable to forget me? Its irrelevant I guess, I just hope they are happy, I hope you are happy, and I want everyone to know that I am OK, I am happy.

Concrete or dirt, its still a path

I am to vague for myself to handle right now. These are preliminary plans.
Summer plans:
May: Bum around Marquette, perhaps work weekends at CHH(downstate), go skydiving, take a train to Colorado at the end of the month.
June-August 6th: Work at sky high ranch in the Rockies, Explore the mountains on time off, visit pikes peak.
August(Up for debate): Hang around Colorado, hike some trails, Fly home, Move back to Marquette.
Fall Semester:
Classes: American Government, Biogeography, Environmental policy and Regulation, Ecology theory and methods, Introduction to Leisure and Recreation.
Living: House or apartment, Food stamps
Work: Marketplace or the PEIF 20 hours a week
Other: Row, serve as fundraiser chair for team, half marathon, hopefully run the warrior dash in twin lakes, Team triathlon?

This is a rough outline for my immediate future, I can almost guarantee it to change. The only things I care about are Colorado and skydiving.

Employed

I have a great feeling about this.

One down, two to go.

My connection to home was holding me back. I am excited to live my life, and ignore obligations. The future is much more bright and exciting when I can remove the "but." I love all of you guys at home, my family, and the friends I still sort of have, but if you love something you let it go, so if you feel the same you will just be happy for me.

Georgia

This is definitely just the change of pace I was looking for. I am not sure if I am looking forward to returning to the arctic tundra but there are definitely a few people up there I cannot wait to see.

Suffer with pride

There is always an easy way out, I was raised to avoid it at all costs. Is it really better to never give up?

My plastic utensil has broken in half

I need something to hold me together.

Even if things get a bit heavy

“Our real discoveries come from chaos, from going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish.” -Chuck Palahniuk
It is impossibly hard for me to form a sentence capable of conveying what I would like to say. I feel like a thousand balloons on a summer day in the wind, there is joy, awe, a sense of adventure, and yet a hint of uncertainty. I feel as though my blog has been ridiculously whiny lately, but that is because I usually just do not blog about the good things. I never need to get good feelings off my chest. Anyway what I am trying to say is life is mostly good right now. My life after all, is inherently good. I mean life would suck if it was always easy, planned out, and neat. I am always hoping for a quick change in the weather to send the balloons on a chaotc journey that was never intended.

Go hard all the way through

My body hates me. I am sleep deprived, every part of me is sore, and as much as I hate to admit it, I am sick. I would rather win and collapse then take a break and lose. So I am not admitting exhaustion ever again.

Fuck

If you cared you would not let me know, you would help. Fuck all of you.

Have fun

Why did anyone ever find it necessary to validate existence. It is what it is, you are what you are, do what ever the fuck you want.

I love you more.

I close my eyes.
I can barely remember your face. I cant remember how tall you were. I don't know what your hands look like anymore, your feet escape me, they were smaller than mine. A lot of your memory is fading, but there are things that I see when I close my eyes that I can never forget. I can close my eyes and see your smile, your long brunette hair, uncut for god knows how long. I remember your voice I can still hear it singing to me and I can here your laugh, genuine and happy. I can imagine you telling me that you love me, me telling you I love you more, and you replying with love you more than more, and us gong on and on. I remember how when I went to bed I would get a kiss on the lips, then on the nose, then on the lips again, when I was younger it was our secret, "kiss code," and I never grew out of it. I feel guilty when I miss you, how selfish of me to miss you, I spent a long time with you and I would not trade the time we had together for anything n the world, I was blessed. But I must not think of only myself. What about you? You were a year away from graduating college, you were going to be a teacher for troubled youth. How can I be sad about not having you, when there were so many other lives you were unable to touch. You had so many goals you never got to finish. So many great things you were destined for kids to see graduate high school, kids to move into college, to miss dearly, to see get married. Grand-kids to spoil. You had your whole life ahead of you, you never saw 45, but you never really got any older than 25, you were young, vibrant, and happy. You were a free dreamer, you were me, but you waited, played the game, started over and before you got to make your next move it was over. I admire you and I promise to live my life the way you wanted to live yours. Happy 52nd birthday, mom. A day will never pass where I do not think of you and smile. I love you.

My life is a joke.

I am just going to list shit.
This picture has become too familiar for me.
It is ridiculous how happy I was to finish all those applications. It sucks so much waiting to find out my fate.
I need to fill out my fafsa... again.
I am doing so damn good academically right now. It is not because I care more about school. I am just in easy classes.
I really need to find somewhere to live next year, more importantly someone to live with.
I do not have any real friends, nobody would do what I am willing to do for them for me. Rejection is shitty.
The above times 12 for the last 4 guys whose last names I will never know.
My dad is lending me the money for spring break training, I still do not think I will be able to pay all of my bills this month.
I have decided I am going to start eating really healthy, because I like the feeling I get from having insane will power. That might sound bad, but it works for me.
My life is a mess.

My "i" key is broken

Sitting in the peter white lounge, waiting for an interview. I am nervous as fuck. I believe I have a lot of good and valuable things to say but, I am shy, I am limited. I know that if I had met the people interviewing me prior to this interview I would rock this shit, but Angie Chavez is not good at first impressions. I look like I am stoned, I talk slow, I am slightly sick, and I know I will trip up and not be able to convey my thoughts accurately. I just wish for once I could have blind self confidence in a slightly stressful situation, I am not being humble, I am being insecure, I hope nobody sees through that.

If I had a million dollars

It might not buy happiness, but I would be a bit happier if I had enough to pay for the things that make me happy. Money is the root of all of my stress.

Tangibility

I am sure the walls value my opinions,
and I know my fingers love to type.
So maybe I am not heard,
and its obvious I am not read,
but when have I ever stopped
Doing what I do?
For a trivial reason?
Because I am unacknowledged?
Because I do not sound as
smart, clever, or thought provoking
as try to be? As I think I am?
because I am not mainstream?
These are not deterrents.
This is motivation.
Positive reinforcement.
So I blog because it empties my head.
It helps me connect with myself.
It develops my thoughts, it is action.
Not radical action but it is the first step.
The first step is acknowledging.
What is the point of thinking, alone?
I will not fall silent,
because no one is listening.
Is it an opinion,
if it is not voiced?
Does a thought exist
solely as a thought?
Nothing exists without proof.
You can not see the wind,
but you feel it.
I respect the quiet,
but I admire those
who need to be heard.
Speaking is a metaphor.
Hearing is a metaphor.
Voice is a metaphor.
Express your opinion,
however you can,
validate its existence.
Silence is ignorance.
self ignorance.
Self denial.
I will not listen
if you do not talk.

Be loud, let your colors show

Today my dad said, these exact words, "Good to hear, I am proud of you." Ive been waiting almost nineteen years to hear those words nineteen fucking years and I have to my knowledge never gotten "a good work," or a "I am proud of you" unless it was immediately followed, with a "but next time." Today there was no "but next time." I do not want to sound whiny or shit, but my relationship with my family is what most people call dysfunctional and my relationship with my dad has been the rockiest of all. I was always my moms daughter until she died and then I was lost. I needed to feel an overage of affection again so I devoted the next six years of my life to making my dad proud. I pulled a 3.8 in High school. "You should have gotten a 4.0." I made the varsity soccer team and was captain. "You need to work on coverage, you need to win more games." I went to college. "That is not really a big ten school is it?" I got a job at a camp. "You could find a better paying job, you know?" Picked up a new sport. "You better continue to have a job." It has always felt like my best was never good enough, and it always broke my heart. Since I went away for college things have been getting much better, I think we had our first hug they day I left and said I love you for the first time when I called home. I think he needed to realize that I am a little different in my life views as far as success goes and I needed to realize he was never not proud of me, he just never wanted me to settle with my best. I could always be better. And because of that I will always be better, I will never think, "hey personal best, time to take a break." It will be the opposite, I will always think, "hey a new thing to beat, a new opportunity to go all out." Today though my dad told me he was proud of me and did not except me to do anything more, he was just proud. The reason my dad and I am currently proud of me are as follows. 1. Three applications in for camps all of which are located out west in the mountains. 2. I have the lowest split of any girl on the team, and only 1 guy has me beat. That time is a 2:01.9 for a 6k. 3. I have been getting As on exams and got a B+ on my research paper. 4. I took up skiing and have been sticking with it. 5. I secured a loan and payed my tuition. Basically I have gotten my life together and have been getting shit done. I am so proud of myself and I am proud that my dad is proud. I am in a really good place right now. Really good.

The path of least resistance

"What happens if you make a hill of water?"
"The pressure will change the water below the pile will start to heat..."
"No."
"The water will push down on the surrounding water and make waves"
"No."
"The water will begin to evapo..."
"No"
I answer, "It will level out."
"Thank god, someone has common sense, have any of you tried to build a hill out of water? Let me know how it goes if you do."
We as a human race, tend to over complicate things. We cannot handle simplicity we require all things to be complicated and logically appealing, but sometimes its not that deep. Everything, well, most things seem to follow a general pattern of least resistance. Nature and the physical natural world tend to work out in the simplest way possible, things tend to level out. Evolution is based off parsimony, parsimony is basically getting from point A to point B in the fewest possible steps. Fewest steps, least resistant, simplicity, natural. Humans however cannot seem to grasp this concept of chance, they refuse to believe that everything they know, everything they are, everything that will ever be is just a result of chance of events happening in a way that provide the least resistance. They need to explain everything, and often tend to overlook the simple explanations, in search for something as complex as themselves. Humans are arguably the most complex organism on the planet, they have this disgustingly mutated cerebrum that allows for these complex and intricate thoughts, this is their greatest advantage and their greatest downfall. It is with this mutation that we have developed culture, music, art, history, emotions, and scientific breakthroughs. But it is also this mutation that has brought us to war, discrimination, pollution, depletion of resources, and sorrow. We cannot accept people as equals because there must be some sort of complex disorder making "those like me superior to those like you," we cant be different because of random genetic drift. We can not understand that CO2 is harmful and should be no longer admitted the resources are there, there for us to use because god gave them to us. We chop continents and develop currency, we set standards and develop exclusivity. We become to complex to explain our own actions, we decided something more complex must have given us this will to do as we please because the other organisms do not have it. Everything needs and explanation, that cause only more confusion. We refuse to understand that deep down at the very root of it, everything happens, but not for a reason. This became way to rambling, my train of thought took off and I could not keep up.

We must blend into the choir, sing as static with the whole

Sometimes you give it a hundred and ten percent and you just are not extraordinary enough. It is all good I do not need to see the president talk to validate my existence there are way more remarkable people that would talk to me in person. He is the president not because he has great ideals, not because he has empathy for the human race, and not even because he knows what he is doing. He is the president simply because he knows how to play the game. It is all a game a pathetic little rat race. Like I said I can get a much more meaningful conversation out of any person on the street especially those with nothing, they are the ones who have the power to change my life, they are the ones with the stories and experience. They are the people who can offer me the perspective I need to understand the world beyond the infrastructure, beyond the politics, beyond all the remedial shit we as Americans tend to obsess over. He is just a guy in a suit who met all the right people and did all the right things I can think of plenty of people whose thoughts on anything I would rather hear. Whose thoughts would be pivotal in my understanding of not only our country, or our world, but out existence, our future, our being, what it means to mean anything at all. I could careless about the remedial and material importance of broadband internet and I can guarantee that most of the people going to see this pre-written speech in a suit are expecting to have their minds blown or are just looking for an excuse to change their facebook status, utilizing the wonderful broadband we hear at Northern enjoy, to "20 feet from the president, I think my heart stopped lol." Ask them about his domestic and international policies, see what they say. If I want my mind blown, if I want my life changed, if I want to experience an all to soul shaking epiphany I will have a conversation with someone who is not constantly being analyzed under a microscope, someone who is not afraid of how the country will feel about their absolute honest opinions, someone who does not have someone writing and proofing every word they can say. I am going to keep on living my life and continuing what I do not to get ahead in the game, and definitely not so that I can potentially be in the same room as the president as he talks about something rather boring that I do not particularly care about, but so that I can experience all the things I want to experience, see things I care about, do things I find meaningful. Society, politics, college, they have always been a road block, and it might seem as though I am playing the game right now, but its only because I have to get far enough in so that no one notices when I quit. Good things may come to those who wait, but those who are to busy living their lives to wait around for their turn in the game find that life consists of a bit more than colored squares and arbitrary rules. These people are who I identify myself with and these people are the people I would be ecstatic to hear speak, these are the people who inspire me. This is not bitter, this is the truth, this is how I feel. I am too clever to be fooled by a speech and a fancy suit.

The things people hate about me

I support immigration especially when it is illegal.
I will disagree with you just so you will debate with me, but the second it turns into an argument I terminate the conversation.
I am pro choice.
I support Marijuana smokers, cigarette smokers, and all drug users. Because its not my life.
I do not see anything morally wrong with stealing if there is no other way to get what you need.
I am anti-politics.
I am a hypocrite because I support peoples rights while completely disagreeing with their decision to indulge in them. Example: being pro-choice while being completely against abortion.
I denounce religion because it is religion, religion is a cheap explanation and I do not want someone shoving it down my throat. Storks delivering babies is a convenient explanation, but you believe what you want.
I in no way value the things most people value, they mostly inconvenience me.
I have an easier time trusting complete strangers, than people I have known forever, strangers will not disappoint me.

I am sure there are more but I have noticed these ones really pissing people off lately, it also probably bothers them that it does not bother me at all, it actually entertains me a bit.

Learn to live

I never want to stop making mistakes, even if it kills me. A single moment of adventure is worth a lifetime of playing it safe.

Somebody I used to know.

My life is going really really well right now, all the big things are perfect. Everything's working out, but for some reason I feel miserable. It bothers me that even thought the big things and "my future" seem to be falling into place, the immediate current day to day situation that is my life is really stressful and equally disappointing. Mostly the people that I call my friends, do not seem to be there at all. I really want to start over, I think I made these friends the wrong way or something. I feel as though I am that person that is not really liked, just kept around for convenience. I could be over sensitive but, I am going to start pulling away and looking for different people. I feel like I am not wanted and whether that feeling is justified or not I am going to act on it.

Move on

Your whole goddamn life is an overreaction

Go do.

Your conscious mind is trying to stop you. Stop thinking so much. Do not let your mind tell your soul what to do. All of your adaptations for survival need to be ignored, you need to live, not survive.

100% Your Fault

Hi I am Angie Chavez and I am a total fucking idiot. If you are a guy please try to take it slow and make me feel no commitment so I can go out drink a bit and have a good time and then you can hear about and get pissed off at me for no reason and call me a slut, even though we never had anything but a friendship, where we talk and watch movies. Then I will punch you, not slap, punch you in the face and we can yell at each other until I kick you out of my room. Then you will ruin my weekend and I wont be able to find anyone to talk to about it with. I will just stew in anger all night long, then I will go run five miles suck it up and move on. Because I am done with asshole guys.

stay strong pearly whites

I keep having dreams where my teeth are really loose, the rest of the dream is uninteresting or I cannot even remember it. I would not think this was important if it had not happened so many times, but it has so I think it is. I just remember stopping and wiggling my teeth and freaking out, then resuming whatever was happening. So lately, I wake up every morning, and check to see if my teeth are in fact loose. They are not, but I am still worried.

Loss

Nothing will ever make it stop hurting.

Ice age? Heat wave? Can't complain.

I listen to "The world at large" almost every morning it helps me feel like someone else feels similar to me, even if they really do not and just wrote some clever lyrics for a song.
I think my gum chewing is a nervous habitat, coping mechanism, or maybe I just like to chew gum.
I absolutely love to make mistakes.
Student Athlete, Student leader, Student employee, Student representative. I need to learn that student comes first.
I have found things I am good at, I mean really good at.
I really need to learn how to take a compliment.
I honestly think at this point in my life I could cut all of my ties with everything and go somewhere else and start over and I would not lose that much ground.
I love that I talk slow, and can speak with perfect grammar and a large vocabulary while inserting words like legit, gnarly, brah, and redic.
I will never compromise who I am for success.
I have never been more proud of myself then I am right now, unfortunately there are not a lot of people who feel that way about me.
I do not care that most people think they suck and are uncool but I will always love death cab for cutie, Linkin park, and the starting line.
I project my mom into every woman I meet over the age of 30, I wonder what it is like, constantly, to be able to call your mom when you feel like shit, and just hear her voice.
I wish I had the relationship I had with my mom with my dad, I wish I was that close to anyone, I wish I had the ability to get that close with anyone ever again.
I brush my teeth a lot more than average.
If someone sang me, "marry me" I would get married on the spot.

Sleep is fucked

I was living where I live now, but everything is different and there were a bunch more people. Our room was exactly the same but it might have been bigger and there was another one attached to it. Our shower for some unknown reason was located in the middle of the MP. New roommate A who is an unknown person with blond hair, was going to be having people over and was preparing a formal dinner. I had to go shower, for work. I went to shower in the middle of the MP. I go take my shower and realize I forgot my clothes and towel. The Mp was full of people. I text my current roommate she brings me a towel. I wrap in the towel and my current roommate says lets go this way. There is now a chapel attached to the MP right by the grill, we go to walk in but the door is locked I look through the window and there's a soccer game going on. I count the number of refs out loud and explain everything about soccer to my roommate. She said that is such bullshit steals my towel and runs away. Apparently at some point I had put clothing on. I start to go to class, apparently working is not a priority anymore. I walk to the sidewalk get in a shell and I row to class, because apparently snow is just like water. I walk into class, and Tensi runs in and grabs me and says we have to go. We walk out of west science and we are on the coast of Superior there is an eight person shell with 7 people in it. They are all Tensi, "I need you to row stroke." I reluctantly get in. Tensi is also the cox. I keep getting yelled at to bring the stroke rate up, we have to be rowing a 38 or something impossible when the Tensi sitting seven seat catches a crab that takes off her head and the six seat Tensi jumps out of the boat. I turn around to see what happened and Im not in a boat anymore. I am sitting on a beach and I wake up.