Not afraid

We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that, you're not alone
I miss you more than you will ever know. It seems like we tell each other almost everyday, and somehow that will never be enough for you to truly understand how much I miss you. You have ruined so many songs for me, I instantly think of you and all the fun we had. I will never be able to listen to Eminem again without thinking of how you drunkenly rap it. I am just glad you're around for me to talk to, even if its only Instant messaging and the occasional skype session. It is really creeping me out how much I miss you.

To live will be an awfully big adventure

Weird to think tomorrow I start my third year of college as I am sitting in a house that I lease, with no money in my bank account because I have bills to pay and groupies to buy. Am I an adult? Paying taxes, budgeting, and bargain shopping for groceries? What classifies me as an adult? When am I no longer a punk kid? When do I become an adult? There is no way it was when I turned 16 and got my license, even though I sure thought it then, so much freedom. It could not have been when I turned 18 I was still living at home with my dad I was a child, I had a parent. And it was not when I went away to college, started living in the dorms as much as I felt like I was on my own, I always knew where my next meal was and that I had somewhere to live, I even still had someone bossing me around and making rules. Now I feel like I am really on my own, am I an adult now? I have no one in charge of me, I have to figure out how to buy food, and figure out how to pay rent. It is weird to think of myself as someone older, I never thought I would be good at being an adult, whereas I always excelled at being a teenager. I just do not think my personality can be aligned with adulthood. I have no need for planning things in advance, or paying bills. I am scared that soon I will become good at these things and one day I will become an adult. Once you are an adult you cannot go back. There is no physical way to age backwards and from what I have seen there is no way to get unstuck from the adult mindset. It is legitimately terrifying me that soon I will be a college graduate, with a degree in something I am suppose to devote my life to. Devote it away and buy a nice place with a picket fence, get some pink flamingos to put in the lawn, and then find one single person with who I will spend my entire life. And then one day me and the guy who I am spending my entire life with will start writing directions, "what to do when we die" its called a will. the adult mind is so paranoid so devoted to order and certainty that it needs to plan out what to do when it is dead. Adults plan out everything they get 401ks, pension plans, and retirement plans. They buy life insurance, car insurance, health insurance, boat insurance, and house insurance because they are paranoid everything must be protected. And the worst thing adults do is settle it happens very slowly, and then they buy a house, a huge house they don't pay up front, they take out a mortgage and then they pay it, forever. They go on vacations that last about a week, but they cant go longer because, "who will watch the dog?" and they are out of vacation days. I remember when I was little, really little, I wanted to be an adult more then anything, I wanted to drive a car, and only eat ice cream. I wanted to build a house made out of chocolate in Florida. Life I concluded would be amazing as soon as I was an adult. When I was 12 I wanted a mansion on the ocean, and a dog. When I was 17 I simply just wanted to get out of my dads house, freedom, Independence. Now I would like to stay in my happy limbo, where I am not really a kid anymore, 100 percent on my own, other than health insurance, but I am not trapped in adulthood. I know I might change someday maybe, but for now never.

Home is where the heart is.

Ultimately its not because it is beautiful or because it is fun or because I can do the things I love here, or because I go to school here. I call it home because I get this overwhelming feeling of being cared for here. I know I used to have something like that downstate, but it is gone. Maybe occasionally a friend or family member shows that they care about me, but it is not constant. I just do not feel the way I do here anywhere else. Marquette is love. Flint is obligation.

Superior

I love the feeling of going home.

Bitter as shit

I hate it here. I have no friends, I do not know how or why that happened, but I am definitely friendless. My family doesn't even pretend to make a solid effort, they whine while I am here, and they whine while I am gone. It is not usually this bad but I do not have a car so I am at the mercy of those who know me, considering I haven't been anywhere since I stepped off the plane in Detroit, no one gives a shit about me. I am reciprocating that emotion back I refuse to make time for selfish shit heads whether I am related or not. I was not expecting a parade or a party in my honor, but seeing as I was gone for 3 months and in 2 days I will be gone until Christmas, I was hoping for a, "Welcome home, good to see you! How have you been?" But I did not get it and I do not want it anymore. Fuck Flint and all the people I could not possibly care less about.

Sad songs, remind us of friends

It is really shitty that you cannot tell how much you miss someone until they are no longer in your life indefinitely. I knew I was going to miss them, I knew it when ever we hung out and it made me smile, I knew it when my eyes would water when we talked about leaving, I knew it when I teared up saying goodbyes, and I knew it when I could not stop crying as soon as we hugged for the last time at the the airport and I turned and left, so I could walk to my flight. It is not necessarily that I have regrets, it is more that I wish I would have had the opportunity to say more, about myself, about how I feel. I wish I would have learned more about them. And I wish we would have more time to spend time with each other. Every person I meet and have the chance to get close to has a profound impact on the way I live my life and when someone living the life I want comes along I become truly inspired, and it becomes incredibly hard to let that person go. It really kills me that our only shot at seeing each other again is not til next year and even then, it may not happen, depending on where they work versus where I work. And I hope by some profound coincidence they get placed at the same camp I decide to work at, and it is not because I am selfish, or because I miss them. It is because I want them around to keep changing my life, keep having that intense impact. I want to learn more about them, I want to tell them more about me. I want them to stay with me as a good friend, not as someone I used to know pretty well.