Decide what to be and go be it.

There was a dream
One day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid, with a head full of doubt
So I scream til I die or the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

I am not who I was yesterday, today. Tomorrow I will not be the person I am today. I am constantly changing, I can not be defined. Life is a process and I am like life, a process, constantly moving in , what I hope to be, a forward direction. All I know is I will not slow down, but I will take my time. I am falling in love with the person I am becoming, and I am falling in love with my self for striving to become that person. It is going to be hard, I am sure, but life without hardships is not really that risky, and life without risk is not really living, it is just playing it safe. I am making a conscious decision to no longer wait for myself to be who I want to be, I have been blaming other things, things that are not me. It was always, "I want to, but I just can not." From now on it is I want, I legitimately want to, so I will, no matter what. My life has no more barriers I do what I want to do, and if I can not do it, I do it anyway. Truthfully, I have been my main deterrent up until this point. It is time to get shit done. I know what I want, and I am aware to get it I might have to do stuff I do not want, but I will do it. Life is a process.

Broke

I feel great, mentally and physically!
Unfortunately,
I need to start being more responsible or some shit. I do not have any money anymore, which means I will no longer be purchasing anything I do not need, and I probably wont be buying much of what I need. I just have to figure out a way to get money from people who owe me money, that would help. I get paid on Thursday but that money is going straight to my credit card bill, because I used my credit card to pay my phone bill. There is also that matter of tuition, maybe I will get it reevaluated again. I do not even know, but I need to pay it soon. I wish I could take out a student loan but fuck I am pretty sure that is not going to happen, I honestly just do not know where I am going to get this money. I owe a grand for the promise scholarship, turned short term loan, and I owe 3,600 in tuition. That is 4,600 dollars, just make it 4,850 with what I owe for the phone. Lets see with my cut hours I probably make about 120 every two weeks I should be able to pay this off... never. Awesome. Anyone want to buy a smashed up cavalier or a Gary Fischer?

Live

If the sky were to suddenly open up, there would be no law, there would be no rule. There would only be you and your memories.

Sore

It is so worth it, all this time I have committed to crew. It is worth it when we are all rowing in time, and I close my eyes. I can row by sound. I hear the boat. The slow recovery up the slide, the click of the oar lock as we square our blades, the faint splash as the blades fall into the water, the sound of our drive in the water and on the slides, another click of the oar locks as we pull up our oars and feather, and back to the sound of a slow smooth recovery. Its all at a constant tempo, a perfect rhythm. It is a song, backed up by the sound of water running under our feet as we glide across the water. It is beautiful. Four or eight people working in complete and total unison it is the ultimate team sport. At the same time it is the ultimate individual, mental sport, because as soon as you go as far as you can go, as soon as you have given it all you have, you have to do two more power tens to cross that finish line. And once that finish line is crossed and most athletes would stop, take a break and stretch, we still have to row back to shore, put that boat up over heads and carry to wherever our trailer is. This sport is amazing.

turning point

I changed my blog title just now. It relates a little bit more to my view on life. I do not remember what "Rejection is Change," meant exactly but I am pretty sure it was pretty cynical and pessimistic. Something about how the only way to change something is to fail. I am not sure, I probably thought it was pretty damn clever. While I am still extremely skeptical I feel as though I am a lot less cynical and a lot more optimistic. I have also quit doing the whole, whatever happens, happens song and dance. I feel like I have taken a more active role in managing my life. The new blog title is from a conscious quote. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step," and for simplicity reasons that is my life philosophy. Basically if I am going to do something I am not going to wait around for confirmation or support I am just going to do it, because I never seem to get that anyway. Everything that is or ever will be starts with one step, and I am the only person who can take that step and I really do not need anyone else to take it with me.

Motivation

I have not gone for a run since Friday, I absolutely have to go tomorrow, end of story.
I really want to do my homework, but I never have any, and I am not to sure how to study. I feel as though someone should teach me.
I did all my laundry, it is sitting on my floor now, if I only had the motivation to pick it up.
I am trying my hardest to save money, but I have way to many bills to pay.

Fuck

I am in debt. Hardcore. I could really use a student loan.

Trying to fall asleep

Things I am happy about:
I have to be up at four in the morning for crew
The entire day tomorrow will be spent with the crew team
A very good friend of mine will be here next weekend
Grades so far are good

Things I am not happy about:
Speeding ticket
Work is going to conflict next weekend
Financial aid
Student loan
MONEY

The dashboards melted but we still got the radio.

Optimism is my motivation.

status

Everything is working out smoothly more or less. Except for money of course. I have a job but right now I am hurting. Maybe if everyone who owed me money payed me back, I would have at least two hundred bucks. To bad I will never ask, especially not when they are all a million miles away. I think I am going to have to call my dad and get this worked out. Fuck.
On a good note, I talked to my sister, unfortunately I was wasted and she has not contacted me since.
I guess that good feeling is coming to an end, at least I am not stressed, just exhausted. I am hoping it is only because my Mondays are ridiculous. This should get better.
My first regattas are Saturday and Sunday, I am ecstatic.

Dear Angie Chavez,

I am proud of you. I do not think you fail at everything. I am not willing to write you off or cut you out of my life. I know you have moved on and changed a lot, but I know that I am still important to you and you are still important to me.
Sincerely, Someone I am related to... Anyone?

Really is that to much to ask, I don't even really need that I just need a little reassurance that I still exist. I thought, "family came first" well you know what, I really really am done caring about it. I have plenty of people to replace family. I have done it before and it may not be as good as having family but it is better than having dead family or family that forgot about your existence or just can not be bothered to wonder about it. I mean it is disgusting that I have friends who keep in touch better. Whatever, just another reason to move on.

Labor day "break"

This is an avoidance of copying notes, even more intense than an avoidance of homework.
This is a life update.
Crew has officially consumed my entire life, and I am really happy about it. It has been five days and I have already made some really really good friends.
My campaign for hall secretary is in full swing posters and candy, this is going to happen.
A lot of the people I normally hang out with, were gone this weekend which was actually a really good thing.
I ended up spending a long chunk of Friday night with Dim, Kelsy, and Jeremy and we watched really large waves at little presque and nearly died.
On Saturday I found time to hang out with some of the second floor kids, and learned the best drinking game of my entire life.
Sunday night was spent on the beach with Ronnie, John, Bailey, the most amazing moonless star filled sky, and the northern lights. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.
Every day this weekend during daylight was spent at rowing practice or hanging out with the crew team going store hopping, being classy in spandex in the MP, and cookouts.
I am really excited about the direction of my life right now. I still have a few kinks to work out; tuition, dues, loans, work schedule, all money problems as always.
I have called my sister eight times this weekend, I do not know maybe she hates me for something, because she never answered.
I am scared to call my dad, because it will be about money and he will get mad at me.
But everything else is fucking golden.

Note to self:

stop being so cuddly and touchy when you are drunk, buzzed, and sober. You are starting to lead guys on. Especially work on the drunk one, things are getting kind of crazy.

Edge

There were trees all over the path and the road and all the lights on forth street were out. Anywhere else, with anyone else they would have said it was a sign not to leave. For me, for us it was a calling to go explore something dangerous, but when we arrived at the break wall it just was not enough ignoring the park closed sign that was under a tree we walked out to the cliffs and that made all the difference. It was seriously one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Black rocks in the dark, thirty foot waves, winds at sixty miles per hour. I do not understand why anyone would live somewhere else. I legitimately was held up by the wind as I was listening to the waves. It was perfect, worth the cold and the risk. It was seriously unreal standing up on the 30 foot cliffs and having waves still go over my head. And then the second we left the rocks a huge wave smashed in and replaced us with a tree, I seriously feel, I do not even know, alive? I just feel amazing. I fucking love adrenaline and I love my life and I just love everything right now. I seriously do not care about any of the bad shit that happens to me this, stuff like this, completely cancels it all out.

Deep breaths

Can we please just all let it go? Move on. Chill.

seven fifty five an hour

Having a minimum wage job really justifies the act of attending college, and gives a person way to much time to think. My job is either extremely tedious and repetitive or it is mind numbingly boring. Whether systematically stacking dishes or walking in circles wiping the same tables over and over, my mind is not occupied enough to keep me from drifting off and thinking about the most crazy ridiculous things. This puts me in a bad mood. They are usually depressing things. I have decided I need a new job. Job search has begun, it probably wont be very fruitful. At least not while I have this MP job to fall back on. It really makes me miss the job I worked in the summer.

Home is where?

I am not my family. I am way different then them. I am better, I am a better person than the majority of my family. I have accomplished more then most members of my family. Yet, it still bugs me that they are not beaming with pride over me and that none of them attempt to contact me ever, not even my sister. It makes me feel like I do not matter to them, and even though I distance myself from them I expect them to close the gap and now they are not and I am just drifting farther and farther away. I do not want to lose touch but it seems as though the last few times I attempted to do family things I was shot down. I officially will no longer try to associate with them unless I see some sort of effort on their part.