Amor

In so many ways I have two lives, the life I’m living and the life I live. In so many ways, I need to convince myself that it is impossible to have that disconnect, and I know this in my head, but I cannot seem to fully feel it my heart. There is a difference between walking and running, and it isn’t the speed. The difference between walking and running lies primarily in when a person picks up their trailing foot from the ground, in walking it is not until the lead foot is planted, in running it happens before. In running a person often has both feet off the ground, a person often has no stable footing, both feet in the air. This is a metaphor. In a thousand ways I ran into Panama, jumped into Panama, like the gulf was a hurdle, I found my footing and I kept going. In one way I walked, in one way I can’t seem to pick up my trailing foot. I love you. My foot is stuck in love, love that I cannot bring with me, but that I cannot seem to let go. I am heartbroken and hopelessly in love at the same time. And I have no idea what to do about it, or if something even needs to be done about it.

12/11/2003

Its funny how much a person can forget in a year, ten, how new experiences push and shove one another trying to wedge out a memory in order to take its space. For years you have seven numbers memorized you swear they're are impossible to forget yet 10 years and 14 numbers down the road they're all jumbled up, the order and exact numbers escape you now. People like me try to let the past go, what use is memorizing and remembering things when there are so many new things to experience, yet we all have things that we try to remember and for years the memories come up crystal clear, then five years pass and its a little fuzzy at the edges, ten and its just glimpses. But those glimpses the ones I held to tightly, those are still real to me. Its funny what memories mean the most.

My mothers hair smelled of patchouli and cigarettes.
It only existed braided, or wildly.
Strong and free.
Frizzy, frazzled, and damaged.
My mothers hair was unending.
Like her love, it never stopped.
Never compromised with dye or scissors.
In the wind it would wave wildly entangling.
Forming bonds with itself impossible to break.
Always slightly messy.
My mothers hair mirrored her soul.
Never compromised, but always growing.
It was sure to stay with you.
As pieces remained after each encounter.
My mothers hair was unforgettable
A defining characteristic.
My mothers hair represented comfort.
Safety. Warmth. Love. Peace.
Compassion. And understanding.
My mothers hair hid weakness.
Covered pain.
My mothers hair was beautiful
It smelled of patchouli and cigarettes.

Why?

Why is just one word. Three tiny letters, but somehow it is the hardest question to answer and our favorite question to ask. As children one day we realize the relationship between cause and effect. We realize that things do not happen completely independently of one another. Now we probably do not understand that we realize this but one day we start asking why and we do not stop. We realize that every because must happen because of something else which in turns happened because of something else. From this moment on we are relentless torturing whatever poor soul may fall into our never ending circle of, "why," "because," "but why." Our once carefree existence begins to shift into a never ending search for purpose. Maybe I am being over dramatic, definitely I am using this as a super vague intro to explain my, "because" to the, "why" I hear from all I interact with lately. Panama? It is probably at the very core, stripped down as small as it can be, guilt. I can barely comprehend how privileged the life I have lived thus far has been. Every single, "obstacle" I have overcome, every hardship, hurdle, tragedy represents nothing more than an inconvenience in comparison with the hardships those living different lives than I endure every single day. I grew up with a roof over my head constantly. I grew up never concerned when or if I would eat again. I was never afraid to drink water. Never fearful of disease. Never burdened with being a parent before I was an adult. I received over 16 years of formal education and only payed for 4 of those years. My life has been easy and if I believed in that sort of thing I would say I was blessed. I was lucky, I won the genetic and geographic lottery. There were people who got more than me, and there were people who got a lot more than me. And instead of living my life in a miserable envy of those people, I have chosen to turn my attention to the people who have gotten nothing. Those people that cant even comprehend a statement like, "I said no whip on my grande latte #firstworldproblems" And I am exaggerating and I do graciously admit to having my own first world problems and being really incredibly selfish, but I am choosing to change my perspective and recognize myself as someone with a lot to give. Why Panama? Because it is time to pay it forward. The best way to, in my opinion, not to waste every opportunity I have been afforded is to pass on as many opportunities as I can to those who may not have been as lucky. There is a ladder, this is a metaphor, the top is symbolically good as usual and the bottom is symbolically not so good. Some people have ambition and determination and they climb that ladder to the top, never looking back, stepping on a few heads and fingers and toes. Some people have ambition and determination and they climb down that ladder and they help those who do not know how to climb, and maybe those people will never get very high, but they will guide so many people to a level on that ladder they have never even dreamt of. Metaphors are often flawed. Success is not on top of the ladder, success is in the mind and a little in the heart and a lot in the spirit if you believe in that. In fact the ladder is like megapixels in a camera after about ten you aren't going to notice a change in picture quality unless you blow every picture up to the size of a small island in the South Pacific. Metaphors can be used to explain metaphors. I am not trying to change the world, I am not trying to save the world. I am just trying to do the best I can with what I have. I am not going to say that I am not materialistic, I am not going to pretend that I have figured out the meaning of life. I believe there is more too life that accumulating wealth and jet setting around the globe and there is not a feeling quite as good as realizing you have helped someone. I am just putting two and two together. Also there is a lot to be said about the passion I have for conservation, but that is ultimately a secondary reason for service. I am more than excited about how much my 27 months in Panama will teach me and my only hope is that I can teach the people I will be serving as much as I am sure to learn from them. Is dreamt really not a word?

Three months

I am unsure if I have ever said this before, but people are beautiful. I am so proud of a majority of the people I have choosen to let into my life. They are going out and doing amazing things. And it is really difficult for me to swallow the jealousy building inside of me. It is really hard for me to stay, while everyone else gets to go. I would be lying if I said I did not check the rideshare board on craigslist and thought all but seriously about replying to some of the offers for one way trips to Tronto, Arizona, or Florida multiple times a week. Who am I kidding, I know I have said this before. There is something about winter that ignites wanderlust inside of me and this, combined with the adventures so many are on, is nearly unbearable. Everything is growing too familiar. I find it nessecary to list the reasons why I am staying to myself daily to be sure that I am doing the right thing. I am doing the right thing after all. The biggest reason is to get my head above water, pay off some debt. And its hard for me to comprehend. Its disgusting how hard it is for me to understand. The second largest reason is to finish my medical screening and finacial paperwork and other paperwork. It is a lot. A whole lot. And the final reason Im staying in flint instead of running for the sun is guilt. My family has not seen too much of me over the past four years and it is quite possibly going to be the last chance some of them have. Two years is a long time, twenty seven months is a bit longer. Being in Flint right now is the responsible decision and it is probably the only viable way for me to prepare for service. It is just so difficult for me to convince myself that the end justifys the means, but in this case I have no doubt that in three months I will be on the biggest adventure of my entire life. The weirdest part is that I feel ashamed to tell my coworkers that I graduated from college and that I have had the oppurtunity that so many of them would do anything to get. It hurts so bad to think that some of them may think I am wasting my education. It is just really difficult convincing myself that I am doing the right thing. I am doing the right thing.

Reset your perspective

Meristem

When I was younger and I wanted to know what something tasted like I picked it up and put it in my mouth. And I chewed it, covered it in my saliva. A real experience. Slobbery and disgusting but completely fufilling and extrememly educational. When I needed to moblize I dragged myself around by my arms, rolled, butt scooted like a sort of half crab half octopus missing a couple of limbs, and then one day I figured out crawling was more efficent. Then with effort, wonder, wrecklessness, and very little regard for my own safety or pride I lifted my squishy little prototype human head and grabbed on to the nearest object and I dragged myself to my feet, and I fell over and over and over again. But one day I got on my feet and took some horrible uncoordinated steps. And sure there were people around encouraging me, but it was something I did on my own. My pathetic little baby mind only barely able to understand emotions and words. I knew nothing, new everything, only recently coming into exsitence, everything was new and everything was beautiful and captavating and of these things, the ones I coveted the most were the ones I was denied access to. People told me, "no" and in my little baby mind I thought the equivelant of. "fuck you, I do what I want." I was constantly looking for more growing tired of the things I already had a handle on. Of course this is all speculation because I remember nothing of this amazing highly sensational time. And while I in no way wish to return to a state of such little knowledge and understanding. I want to be able to experience my world as fully as I did then and realize now that I stil know just as little about my world as I did then. Ever since the day I realized I exsisted, whenever that may have been is a whole different debate, I, we all, had a thirst to learn, to experience, to feel and taste and smell and see and hear. Ever since I realized I was, I started to become and develop to learn and grow physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was not who I am now then. I do believe I know more about my world now, but I also believe that the world I have now to know has grown quicker and larger then my knowledge of that world has, yet for some reason my rate of learning and experiencing and sensation has not grown if anything it has diminished. Its like Ive gotten to know enough things now that the urge to pop objects in my mouth that have unfamilar tastes have been tamed, my urge to touch things that glow to see if theyre hot almost nonexsistant. I have not completely lost the wonder and I do make an effort to not lose it. And it is important to me to continue embracing my wonder and curiosity. I was talking to my dad the other day about California and I mentioned how he should visit and he said, "Why, I have no desire to go there." And it was so hard for me to understand. I never want to be so comfortable with anything to not want to try something new. I never want to be the person who can go into a resturant and order, "the regular." I want to pop disgusting things into my mouth so that I can learn theyre disgusting. Learn the correct way to plant a tree by doing it all of the wrong ways first. Close my eyes and jump head first, feet first, run arms flailing, crawl, and limp through life with a fufillment of truely learning, wholey experiencing. Forgiveness rather than permission. The more I learn, the more I know there is so much more yet to learn, experience. When a tree stops growing it dies. I wont stop growing.

Aspiration

A. Three professional attributes that I believe will be indispensable to me during my service in Panama are patience, flexibility, and enthusiasm. Shifting to living and working in a foreign land is sure to bring drastic changes, from adapting to different customs to not hearing my native language. Dealing with the frustration of these changes and frustration with myself is going to take an immense amount of patience. It will also take patience to interact with the local people and push them to make changes relating to my mission of environmental improvement, conservation, and education. Working hand in hand with patience is a good sense of flexibility; it is indisputable that things will not always go according to plan, and I know the best way to deal with this is to change accordingly and from experience I know I am not one to blow up or shut down when something goes wrong. I try to always view things going wrong as a change in direction rather than a failure. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, is enthusiasm, for nothing is as successful and rewarding than when it is done enthusiastically. I know that I will be enthusiastic in my position, because I am passionate about the environment and using the education I was so fortunate to obtain to protect the earth and help its people. That enthusiasm I possess will help me to be patient and flexible. Ultimately it will allow me to get things done and get them done well, because it is something that I truly care about and am invested in. B. Working effectively with my partners in Panama is essential and I aim to establish an effective team by maintaining open communication and gaining respect by showing respect. Being upfront and deliberate while interacting with my partners will establish open communication. By following through with correspondences and always being timely and prepared, I will gain respect. Making necessary changes to my current appearance will also prove my respect for Panamanian customs and traditions. These combined strategies will help me develop the productive relationship essential to cooperating with my partners in Panama, by allowing me to be aware of and responsive to the needs of my community and partners and allowing them to do the same for me. C. One of the things I am most looking forward to during Peace Corp service is fully experiencing a new culture. I am excited to embrace the Panamanian lifestyle. I know that adapting to a new culture may be challenging, but I think I can accomplish it by staying open minded and positive when experiencing new things, like food, housing, or even just social norms. Remaining aware of my own culture and sharing it to those who wish to know about it is also important. This will help me compare the new culture I am adapting to with my own. I can maintain this awareness by staying in contact with home and by keeping a journal where I can write about the differences in culture I notice. D. I expect pre service training will be intense and in depth and I am looking forward to all the things I will learn to help me during service. I really hope that more details about my exact duties will be revealed during training. I also expect to learn ways in which to effectively communicate with community leaders and the people I directly work with and improve my Spanish skills to achieve good communication. I am very excited to learn all the details of where I will be living and what I will be doing, and I hope to learn things that will aid me in being successful in adapting to the Panamanian culture and way of life. E. I have no doubts that Peace Corps service will be one of the most life changing experiences I will ever be fortunate enough to experience. I am fresh out of college with a degree in Environmental Science and I believe that using this degree in a place like Panama will teach me exactly what I am truly capable of, in terms of finding strategies to promote community environmental conservation effectively. I ultimately hope to apply my lessons and successes in Panama as they are needed in the Unites States, where there is an overwhelming need for conservation but little public awareness of that need. On a personal level, I hope that through my service I will find new ways to interact with people different then myself. I hope to gain perspective on what it means to not only be a citizen of America but a citizen of the world. I hope that my values rooted in conservation and social involvement continue to grow. I know that after my 27 months in Panama I will be a different person, a better person, and a person more driven and passionate about environmental conservation than ever before.